Twelve years had passed since that awful night. The night that took our whole life away. The night that took Dad away.
Our once decent-sized group had dissolved over the years. The first year, we begged packs to take us in. I remember a few kids being separated from their parents, a few packs offering to take in the 'guaranteed innocent' but wouldn't take their parents. Many cried, parents and kids alike. I refused to separate from Mom. I remember at first she was insisting that we would find a pack to take us both but a few months in and she was begging packs to take me. By then we had run out of packed food and were relying on hunting and foraging. I'm sure we looked sickly. Nonetheless, I refused. I screamed and would even bite people if it came to it. I refused to leave Mom. As the years went by, the remaining kids I grew up on the run with met their mates. They were taken in by whichever pack their mate belonged to, an agreement amongst most wolves worldwide. Some people found family; their families begged their alphas to take them in. They agreed, some reluctantly and some easily. Still, no one was willing to take all of us. Eventually, we gave up on begging packs for shelter and learned to create it as best we could as we wandered for food and safety.
We also faced rogue attacks throughout the years. Though we are rogues ourselves, these rogues were feral. There was no talking to them. They stayed in wolf form and slaughtered mercilessly. Mom learned early on that sleeping in trees was safest, so that's what we did. Mom and I split off from the remaining very small group over a month ago, they were insistent that I was a burden and they refused to protect or feed me anymore. Mom, of course, refused to let me go alone; even if it was more dangerous for her now.
Mom has always been a strong woman. She told me stories of how she helped build our home when she was younger and about how she used to kick Dad's butt in training some days. All of that was before the attack though. With the loss of Dad, she was weaker. Mated wolves are bonded down to the very core. If one feels pain, the other will know. But if a mated wolf dies, there's a large chance of the other dying too. They could get sick and wither away. Mom didn't. She lost a lot of weight and muscle in the first year and she never gained any of it back. I could no longer remember her without bagginess under her eyes or a hollowness to her cheeks. It saddened me. I truly and fully believed that she managed to hang on because of me. I know she misses Dad and many times over the last few years, I've prayed to the Moon Goddess, telling her that it was okay for Mom to go too. Sure, I'd be sad but Mom was a walking and breathing ghost. She deserved rest. Nonetheless, I was grateful for every day by her side. I love her. She's all I have.
At the age of 18, I find myself overly disappointed with myself. I stopped growing once I hit 5', a short stature for wolves. Mom stood at maybe 5'7"? She was probably about average height for a female werewolf. I first heard my wolf at 14, two to three years later than most wolves first hear theirs. And while the other kids all started shifting at 13, I didn't first shift until 16. I was teased mercilessly for this. I was told that I was probably just a lowly human. I was told that the moon goddess was punishing me for an array of reasons. I was told that my wolf died and that I was left to suffer a miserable life. I never let Mom know of any of this. She told me that I was a runt and that, while she wasn't expecting it, she still loved me. She said that in her childhood pack, there were two runts and they were just like me; delayed shifting and short stature. I loved her for the reassurance. She was always worried about me not loving myself, despite my runt nature. Perhaps that's why I didn't tell her about the abuse the other kids had put me through.
Between the abuse and the random rogue attacks, I'll admit I've gotten pretty skittish. I'm spooked by little noises such as twigs breaking or rocks being kicked or distant howls. Originally, I tried to pretend like everything was okay. Footsteps getting nearer didn't mean I was in danger. Until it did. Until the other kids, particularly one kid, realized what I was. A runt. They pretty quickly decided that I was useless, a burden, and an abomination. And after they realized that I didn't trouble Mom with the truth, the abuse got worse. Harsher. More often. There were moments where it was better but by then the fear was already installed in my brain.
Mom and I had been camped out along a stream for a few days now. It was nice, the water felt almost warm mid-day. It was good to be able to wash my hair. It had gotten so long over the years that it often tangled and matted. If you went further up the stream you could catch small fish but we stayed away most of the time to not scare them away. It was still chilly at night. If it was too cold, we slept in wolf form as it was the best way to keep warm. We didn't have access to the warmest clothes or blankets. We stole what we needed from clotheslines when we found them and made sure it was safe. Occasionally we would be able to find a cave to huddle in but a lot of the time, we picked a spot and when we needed to sleep, we'd climb up the sturdiest trees.
snap
My head shoots up, my feet ready to run and my heart is already pounding. I was already in the middle of turning to make a break for it when I hear Mom's voice, "Just me, Celeste." Heart still pounding, I manage to stop my feet from running as I turn to Mom. She carries a little rabbit, too small but we take what we can get. I place a hand on my chest, taking deep breaths in through my nose. "Why don't you start a fire?" I nod, going to the little firepit we built our first night here. Over the years, I had gotten to be pretty good at starting our fires. It was only a few minutes before I had a decent enough flame to cook the rabbit. I'd get it a bit bigger after dinner, to help with warmth until we go to sleep. Mom had been busy skinning it, a task I never liked. When the rabbit is cooked, Mom gives me a bigger portion. I knew better than to fight. I ate slowly, having learned over the years to enjoy the food as winter gets closer. Come winter we'll have to ration even further. Mom will skip meals, saying she's not hungry even though I know she is. I've also learned that no amount of arguing will get her to change her mind on such things.
Once we finish our small dinner, Mom gestures for me to get up so we can do our nightly walk. Every night we checked a good perimeter around where we were staying. We tried to do this before sundown so if needed we can find a new spot. When we were with the group a few people would run a perimeter to have even more time. I, however, learned very quickly that I can't run for long. I have tried, over the years, to get my stamina up and, while I'm faster than most, I just can't manage to run more than a few miles before getting exhausted. For related safety reasons, Mom and I stick to walking. Mom had told me as much as she knew about runts. Their wolves aren't as strong so they tend to be a bit weaker in combat as well as the low stamina. I don't mind most of the time; I can also be very fast, hide pretty easily when shifted, and people tend to always view me as innocent. Growing up and begging packs to take us in, it was obvious the less sympathy they had for us as all of us kids grew older, however; the look of sympathy managed to usually remain for me. You'd see a furrow in the warrior's or alphas' brows when their eyes met me. Still, they turned us away and we kept on running. Maybe it's the small height, maybe it's the baby face. Whatever it was, I was never really seen as a threat. Not that I've ever really been a threat but I bet it works very well for some runts out there.
While walking my thoughts drifted, as they tend to do. I thought of what life would be like if our pack was never attacked. I've thought loads about this over the years. I like to imagine that things would be. . . Good if the pack was still together. I'd have friends, Mom and I would garden together every weekend, I'd have gone to school, maybe I'd have even met my mate. . . Most importantly, Dad would be alive. He'd come home from training or patrol and pick us up, spin us around, and tell us how much he loved our family. He'd teach me how to make the perfect brownies and what compliments what kind of teas. Mom said we had a whole shelf in our kitchen pantry dedicated to his different teas and that any time he'd travel he would try to find a unique tea. Moon Goddess, what I'd give to see this all be a reality.
A question comes to mind. A question that has haunted me many times over the years. "Mom," I speak hesitantly as we amble through the forest. She turns to me briefly in acknowledgment before looking back out at the forest for any signs of other creatures. "Do you think. . ." I stop, my thoughts starting to muddle together.
"Yes, Celeste?" I look her over. Her hollow cheeks, tan skin from many days in the sun, hair so long it almost reached her knees, smile lines she's had as long as I remember, thin figure, stolen clothes that don't quite fit her. She is the definition of beauty.
I sigh. "Do you think Dad would be upset that I'm a runt?" Her eyes turn sad, perhaps with the mention of Dad. She stops walking and I immediately regret the question. "I'm sorry Mom," I rush, "I know it's already an inconvenience to be who I am, I shouldn't pester you with such sad questions. I just feel so guilty every day. If I wasn't here you would very potentially be safe now, maybe a pack would have taken you in. At the very least you wouldn't have to help find food for me or-"
"Celeste," she stops my rambling, putting her hands on my shoulders. She looks so deeply into my eyes that I'm begging not to brim with tears. I always do this; overwhelm myself, and make things worse. I'm such a burden. I don't deserve her lov- "Stop that brain of yours." A tear slips out. She pulls me to her. Her embrace is bony but overall comfortable. I wrap my arms around her shoulders and bury my nose in her shirt. "Do not think poorly of yourself. You are all I have left in this world and I would give anything, relive these past years, in a heartbeat as long as it means that I still have you. And your dad would have loved you no matter what. I have a feeling that he wouldn't hesitate to make life hell for anyone who wronged you." She pulled back, still holding me by the shoulders, and looked back in my eyes. "I love you." I nodded. "I love you so, so much. Don't you ever forget that." I put on a small, broken smile.
"I love you too, Mom. I'm sorry."
"There's nothing to be sorry for." She leans forward, kissing my forehead. "Now come on, we're almost back to base." I looked around, we weren't too far at all. I barely noticed I guess. "Do you wanna run for a bit?" My smile turned more happy. While I couldn't run for long, I really did enjoy it. I was fast and I knew it. I could lap Mom if I wanted. We took off, me slowing down after a minute or two to be in stride with Mom. The slowly setting sun shone through the treetops, illuminating the fall leaves. Oranges, reds, browns, and the last remaining bits of greens felt illuminated; like they were shining down to light our way. The quickly chilling air nipped at my skin as we ran through the large forest, I could hear the stream more clearly now. I could feel the exhaustion already wanting to set in but I kept pushing myself. I knew my limits. I also didn't like my limits. Most every other wolf could outrun me by miles. When the first sign of dizziness hit my head, I stopped. We were patrolling and I needed to be cautious. Even if we were close to base, I had Mom to think about and I knew all she thought of was my safety. I had gotten a bit ahead of Mom again so I sat on a fallen log as I waited for her to catch up.
"You okay," she asked, coming to a stop next to me. I nodded. "Remember not to push yourself too much. I don't want you to get hurt."
"I know Mom." I gave her a smile. We were all we had and I was okay with that. I will live out the rest of my days on the run as long as it's with her. She sat next to me. We took in the sounds of the streams in the distance, the birds still chirping in the trees, and the rustling of leaves as a small breeze swayed the tree branches. She put her hand on mine, I turned to see her smile. She squeezed my hand.
Snap
I jumped up a second before Mom. Suddenly the birds stopped chirping and the leaves sounded like static in my head as a thousand scenarios came to mind. I sniffed the air and just under the scent of mulch, I could smell it. Rogues. Feral rogues. They smelled like rotting meat, blood, and sickness. I could see Mom doing the same as me, though she was less shaky than I; trying to locate what direction they were coming from so we could run the opposite way. She quickly pulled my somewhat frozen self in one direction but I protested after smelling the rogues again. I listened to everything around me. Tuning into the sound waves as best I could, I froze. I sniffed again. "Mom-" they were coming from all directions. Where did they come from? I didn't understand. She yanked me again and we ran. We ran for all of two minutes before one of the rogues appeared in front of us. Mom turned in the other direction only for her to freeze. I turned and found myself face-to-face with another one. We took a few steps back, another emerging in front of both of us. They were average-sized, two different shades of brown and one nearly black. Their fur was matted, caked with what I could only assume to be their last victims. They bared their yellow teeth at us, growling. With every step we took backward, they took another step forward. I heard snapping to my left and turned to see Mom had shifted, her dark brown wolf coming to stand in front of me. She let out a threatening growl, protecting me. The rogues growled back. How were we going to get out of this?
'Mom,' I said through our mind link, 'What are we going to do?' I'm sure she could hear the panic in my voice.
'You're going to run.' I looked at her quickly, her eyes were dead set on the rogues.
'What about you?'
'Just run as far as you can, I'll hold them back.' My heart rate picked up even further, I felt like my heart was going to explode out of my chest. I knew her plan, she didn't intend on making it out of here. I couldn't do that. I can't leave her behind. She must have sensed my hesitation, her eyes briefly flashing to meet mine. 'Celeste, do this for me. I love you so much but it looks like it's time I meet back up with your dad.' Tears pricked my eyes once more. I was shaking at this point. I can't. I won't. She's all I have. 'Ancillary,' Mom called through the link. My eyes widened, she was calling to my wolf. 'You and Celeste have to go now, can you do that for me?' I felt my conscious mind being pushed back, a slightly dizzying effect crossing me briefly before Ancillary took over.
'Please don't do this,' I begged both Ancillary and Mom.
'On three,' Mom urged as the rogues grouped us tighter together. The large almost black one took another step forward, Mom lunged a bit to push him back. 'One.' The rogues bared their teeth even wider. 'Two,' I felt my feet shift as the first tear left my eye. 'Three!' Without any say in my body's movements, I turned and lurched forward into a run. I tried desperately to push forward again, begging Ancillary to turn back around. 'I love you so much, Celeste.' As my ears started to ring I could take note of loud barks, growls, and yips. I was fast, running further and further away from where Mom was taking on three rogues. All to save me.
'Please Ancillary!' She said nothing, pushing us even further. I felt it before I heard it echoing in my head. I shifted into my wolf form, a small brown pup landing on the forest floor. My speed increased as I ran through the leaves, Ancillary pushing us as much as she could. I felt the exhaustion hit me, then the dizziness. Nonetheless, we kept going until I heard a large yelp from behind me. I started sobbing at that point. I briefly paused, turning back toward where we left Mom. I felt bile rise in my throat. Everything looked fuzzy. I turned back around and kept running. I don't know how long I ran but by the time I stopped, black was creeping around the edges of my vision. As I collapsed onto a nearby tree, Ancillary let me have control again. I rested my head and let the tears fall.
She's gone. She's gone and it's my fault. It's my fault. She's dead because of me. She lived a life of hell for the last twelve years and like that, it's over. No chance for a better future. No chance for a good meal or a warm night under a blanket. Nothing. She's dead. She's fucking dead and it's all on me. I did this. I could have done more. I could have led them away or provoked them to only bother me or or or or. . . I don't know. Mom. . . I'm so sorry Mom.
'It will be okay, Celeste,' Ancillary's voice rang out for the first time that day. At her voice, I felt an anger bubble in me that I've never felt before. She could have stopped. She could have kept us by Mom's side.
'She's dead. You could have stopped. You should have stopped. Why didn't you stop!?'
She was quiet for a moment. 'I have this feeling, Celeste. I don't know what it is but we have to keep going. There's something out there we need to do.' I rolled my eyes but that just made the ringing dizziness worse. I sniffed the air, I smelled no rogues; just mulch and the chilling air.
'I have to rest. We aren't going anywhere tonight.' Silence. I closed my eyes, the dizzy spell still ringing through my head. I was all alone now. No pack. No Dad. . . No Mom. . . Mom, I'm so sorry.