The sun was high in the sky when I woke up, and though a quick look at my wrist watch told me I slept for 17 hours, my body felt even more tired than it did when I laid down. But it wasn't the sun light that woke me up, though that definitely played a part, it was the flock of ravens smashing my window, making a loud startling sound. It would have startled me, but I was too tired for that.
And even though an alarm soared in my mind given how I had yet to ever seen so many ravens together at the same time like that, the memory of everything that happened yesterday numbed my panic. I felt my heart broken like never before, and before I realized, tears began to roll down from my cheeks to my hands as I sat down in my bed. Drago is not even the problem, it's my fight with eomma, all she said to me, she's always been the only person in this world able to wound me deeply with just a sentence.
Hugging my legs, I finally allowed myself to just cry, so, I became numb to the ravens spanking my window violently and cried. Fuck, I cried like I never did before, if I did, I don't remember.
"I wish Kit was here to give me a hug," I whispered, voice raspy, hugging myself miserably, and as my eyes went to the window, where they were still there, freaking out, I sighed, stood up and opened the window, letting the tsunami of ravens inside. "What's the bad news now?" I asked, absolutely done with everything, done with my life.
["Pick up your phone. Pick up your phone. Pick up your phone!"] All of them yelled together, and the desperation in their deep voices made me flinch. ["Pick up your phone, Mischief. Pick it up. Pick it up!"]
I swallowed and almost tripped running to the other side of my room, where I had thrown my bag before falling asleep. Anxiety rooted inside me and I desperately searched inside after my phone, only to find it dead, with not even 0.5% charged. "Ugh, iPhones and their shit batteries," I cursed. "Fuck, where's that changer?" I threw my bag away again and went after the charging cable, only to find it under my bed. "How the- Whatever, I don't want to know," I clenched my jaw and after a second, it was charging. "It'll take a bit," I told them, feeling their intense stare prickle my skin.
["No time. No time. No time. Go to the living room. Go to the living room. Go to the living room. Go to the-"]
"Living room, yeah, I got it," I yelled frustrated. "You are getting me anxious here, for fuck's sake," and as I ran down the stairs, I could Tell they were all flying behind me, following me. "Now what?" I swallowed when I reached the living room, feeling sick, a horrible feeling taking over.
["Television. Television. Turn the television on. Turn it on!"]
Jesus, they sound like a frightening choir. "I could have turned the TV in my room on. Almost every room in this damned villa has a TV." I mumbled, trying to make my fear and nausea subside, though it was only getting worse with my chronic headache joining the party of my misery.
But as soon as I turned the TV on, my attention waved to the front door as a loud bang came from it, then another, and another. After the 5th, whoever it was seemed to realized there was a bell.
["Open the door. Open the door. Open the door. Open it!"]
I'm definitely going to go crazy today.
Cursing, I ran to the door and when I opened it, I found a worried Daniel standing there, out of breath as if he had run from my grandparents office to the villa. He's been our family's lawyer and the corporate lawyer of our conglomerate ever since I cant remember. He's like an uncle to me, and he's eomma gay childhood best friend, and the son my grandparents didn't have. He works directly for my grandparents. He's family.
"Ahjussi?" I opened the door wider.
"The… the police just called me, Missy," he blurted desperate.
I passed a hand over my tangled hair, "Ah… I expected that much, it's my fault, after all. I did it on purpose, that's what he gets for cheating on me. I'm sorry for causing trouble, ahjussi, I hope you can help me with that. Bribing the police and all," I'm not in a good state to go to jail.
"I'm not talking about your arsonist episode, Missy," he said it in a calm that sent shivers down my spine. Bad shivers. "Your grandparents called me last night to deal with that, and I already took care of the police and of that piece of shit you were dating."
["The news. Watch the news. The news, Mischief. The news."]
Dread wrapped it's vines in my body and I turned my eyes to the TV, with the remote control still in my hand I pressed the numbed of the international news channel in English, trying to prepare myself for it.
"…It was confirmed the death of all 1357 passengers of the Expresso Train that left Sofia, the capital city of Bulgaria, this morning, having Vienna, the capital city of Austria as its final destination. This fatal accident happened 3 hours ago, when they were passing by Belgrade, the capital city of Serbia, after a terrible storm blocked the view of the newly broken railroad, that was broken during the storm. As the broken part was crossing the top side of a mountain, the fall was ultimately fatal to all of the passengers and staff. As for now, more than 20 helicopters are doing the job of rescuing all the bodies of the victims. Its estimated that they will began contacting the relatives of the victims by the end of the day, to give them the victim's remains, so they can have a proper funeral. For now-"
I stopped listening. I stopped thinking. I stopped breathing.
But the shocking numbness didn't last, as horror and despair took over. "No… no… no… no, no, no, no, no, no, nooooo!" I cried. "No. No. No," as tears burned down my cheeks, I turned to Daniel. "No… no… please, no… uncle Daniel… uncle… please… don't tell me… don't… don't tell me they were in that train. They… no… no… no…" as my knees gave up, he ran to me, holding me before I could hit the ground. "No…"
"I'm sorry, Missy," his voice broken and the way he was holding back his tears, broken me even further. "I'm sorry, sweetheart," he hugged me tightly and I cried against his suit, flooded by pain, sadness, grief, guilt, horror, dread, and all the worse emotions available. "I'm so sorry."
"No… no… they can't… I didn't… I didn't apologize… I didn't… I didn't say goodbye to Kit… Kit… Kit…" The thought of my little brother made me shatter. "No… no… he's a baby… Kit… he's too young to die... it should have been me… it should have been me… it should have been me… I should have been with them… I… no… this can't be true…" my entire body shook. "No… please… please… uncle Daniel… ahjussi… tell me it's a joke. Tell me they were in another train…" I begged. "Ahjussi!"
Uncle Daniel hugged me tighter, "I'm sorry, Missy, I'm sorry," he cried, this time he was not unable to hold himself together and cried over me, our bodies shaking together. "I'm sorry…"
"No… no… no… Kit… eomma… harabeoji... halmeoni… no…"
I'm alone. My entire family is dead, I have nobody else.
Why am I still alive? I should've died with them.
|||||||||
It's been six days.
Four days ago I identified the bodies to be sure it was eomma, Kit, and my grandparents. Uncle Daniel offered to do it for me, but I refused as I was still not believing, I needed proof. But not that I got the proof, I have no idea how I'll ever sleep again after seeing their dead bodies… after seeing my precious little brother in a mortuary bed, lifeless, could, stitched up together, wounded. Or eomma, who probably died thinking I hated her, when I had only said that in a anger fit. Or my precious grandparents.
Eomma who died without meeting her daughter again… I shouldn't have said that to her. I was never a mother, how could I even understand the pain of loosing a newborn child? Of living knowing she's out there away from you, going through God knows what. Of seeing your missing daughter in her twin sister that was still around, the pain she must have felt… eomma must have felt guilty for losing her and not being able to look at me without thinking about my sister.
Kit… my baby bother… I should have taken him to see the movie early this week when he asked me. He passed away just like this… he'll never get a girlfriend, graduate, go to aeronautic school, work, get married, make me an aunt… he… I… how am I supposed to live without them?
Without eomma annoying me and making me sharper in hacking just to help her find my sister, like I once promised I would do. Without halmeoni on my toes for me to take her to spa and to church every week, for me to give her grandchildren, for me to find a suitable grandson-in-law that wouldn't be with me for my money, for me to help her with any kind of translation. Without harabeoji bragging about me and my achievements for his business friends, or asking me to massage his toes, for me to make him some kimchi, to drink a bottle of soju with him, for me to use green hanbok more times because he said I looked like a Korean Princess.
Without Kit… I… I can't… I can't live without Kit.
"I'm sorry for your loss, Missy," said one of harabeoji's women friends from Korea, in Korean, as I held the third traditional day of their funeral, Korean style, just like it was in the will that uncle Daniel read for me in the day I identified their bodies.
They were cremated and the four jars of their ashes lay in front of their picture frames, as all of their friends, colleagues, acquaintances, and everyone else came in to pay their condolences, and insist in giving me some condolence money per Korean culture. All while I stand at the side in a black hanbok, frozen, face constantly red and swollen with the tears, empty of any will to live, unable to say a word, unable to interact.
No one understood while there were more than thirty black cats, seventy ravens, and twenty-two dobermans in the front of the building. Uncle Daniel didn't let anyone do anything to them, which is good, since they came to pay respect for my loss. In them I believe, I know they are devastated for me, I know they are honest, I don't trust the words humans are speaking aside from uncle Daniel. Everyone else is only looking at me as the temporarily-underage heiress of the Nosht-Choi Conglomerate, the richest billionaire empire of the Balkans, and probably of Europe, if I were to convert all the money I have in Bitcoins.
I could be the richest kid in the world. I couldn't care less.
Money is meaningless without family to shared, and now I had the unfortunate fate of inheriting all of eomma, harabeoji, halmeoni, and Kit's possessions. And Kit also had a lot because he had inherited it all from uncle Julien and aunt Harmony, making it all more unbearable.
First I lost them, now lost the remaining family I had.
I have no one. I should have been with them in that train. I...
"It's over, sweetheart," uncle Daniel told me carefully, caressing my back tenderly, trying to show me he's here. "Let's wrap it up and go home," I'm staying at his place, because it hurts too much to be in the villa, and he's also scared of leaving me alone. Scared of me getting suicidal.
Rightfully so.
"Well talk about the ashes later," he reassured.
But I don't want to talk about my family's ashes. I don't want to talk about this, it'll make it real and I'm still dazed. I don't want to talk, at all, about anything. I don't want to interact, to be near human beings, to be sat in one place and stay in it.
I just want to die, to be with my family.