The next school day, I walk in, still pretty tired from the workout. I walk into my homeroom to see Cara waving at me, standing beside my desk. I walk over to her, smiling back. With closed eyes and a closed mouth.
"Hey, Aline! Do you mind if I get your number?" She asks, sweetly.
"Sure," I say, gleefully. I open my phone and say my number aloud. She repeats it back to me.
"Yup! That's it!" I say. Unknown to her, I've been waiting for this for a while, never getting a chance to talk to her.
"Thanks, Aline!" She says, bouncing back to her seat.
"So, how are you doing?" I ask her.
"Great. You?" She asks.
"Really good." I say, uncontrollably smiling.
*RINGGGGGGGG*
Again, the bell ruins the moment. I wave her goodbye and head out.
After the day ends, I text her.
Hi
Hey
Sup
nothing much
U?
Just chillin'
I take a deep breath. I feel ready. To confront her. I have spent hours of my life since last week thinking about it. It confused me. But what if it scares her away? I think. Then, I hear another ding.
Cool
Sooooooooo
hey can i tell u something?
Sure
I think someone I know likes me
o
And?
Ofc I don't like them back
i dont wanna sound weird but
I like you
ik
And i dont know how to tell him
i dont feel that way about him
huhh
listen, you cant save everyone
ik
ik uk but like
you have to just tell him
o alright
thxxxx
aight
gtg
byeeeeee
I put my phone away. I had to take a class. This time, I was even more unfocused. I can't believe she trusts me so much? Does she really like me? But, even more important, do I like her? I think I might- maybe. Who knows? I keep thinking as I repeatedly write down the questions and solve them, disregarding the fact that I'm probably getting them all wrong.
That day, I felt even more distraught than ever. I continue to think. I haven't even seen Akako's side of this either! What if we- we stop dating? That'd make me feel really bad. Worse than I am now. So, does that mean-? Does it mean I do like her- and not Cara? If I don't want to stop dating her? Maybe. Hopefully. Or hopefully not; I'm not sure. And even worse! My parents! My mom will be so mad at me and my dad will be so done with me! Oh god! I have to tell someone this! BUT I CAN'T!
I continue to rant with myself throughout the hour-long class. I have it every Monday, Tuesday and Friday. My mom's decided to go a bit farther about classes recently. For me at least. My sister's working on the SAT and getting into college, though. Late high school stuff.
A while after the class ends, the mood gets more light which I really hate sometimes. Like-for example, something will be bothering me and then it goes away before I can text my friend. This time it's- more than a friend though. My brain jokes. My brain. Not me. It kind of has a mind of its own. I don't really know if that's just me or what?
That's why I don't want anyone reading my mind because, no doubt, my brain will spew the weirdest nonsense and information I don't want that person to have. It's one of my worst fears, if you will. Maybe my worst. Maybe. I sigh, grab my microphone and equipment, then walk into the basement.
My dad isn't home today. He usually works in the basement. For a long time too- so I can never get to play. I sat down at my seat. The reason I love drums so much is that I can just bang them in a pattern, giving me a chance to get my rage out and hear some nice music. I start ramming the drums and the cymbals to produce an oddly nice-sounding melody. However, the song I'm playing doesn't have many drum beats. It's a simple drum-drum-cymbal (or a bum-bum- ching) for at least half of the song. Then it's mostly just rolls. I played, luckily without thinking a thing. I can get really engrossed in drums because of the simplicity of it. There's no high notes or low notes you have to hit. There's no beat you have to stick to because you are the beat. It's the most freeing part of this pseudo-career. I had to take about five tries to get it right, then I started recording. Then, it took me two tries to then get it right in the recording. In the end, though, I'm satisfied.
The next part is the worst part, though. What I like to call "Saying Yuh- For An Hour" also known as background sounds. The drums part, I can deal with. You just hit it for- like 30 minutes in hopes that you get a good backbeat soon. Then, you play it. However, then you have to go to your microphone and keep saying "Yuh," and "That's right," and "U-huh." It's egregious! However, I reluctantly do the drums and then, even more reluctantly, say the aforementioned three phrases around twenty times each, having to get the right mood and tone for it. And the worst part is, it's barely audible. I am the only one who hears it and maybe another music artist will hear it, but that's it!
Now, as you've noticed, I like to figure out my music as I go. Like- I don't even plan the backbone at all! The only scripted part there is the actual singing and I only do one draft for that, maybe two if I really think It's going to be worth it. However, I don't tell any of my limited artist friends how I do it.
The rest of the day, I do some of my school work. Then, I play this video game. Liem said I should get it, so I begged for it from my dad (because my mom is not the type to know anything about video games) and he said yes. I'm pretty bad at it, though. I'm bad at most games, actually. Probably because I don't get that invested in them. I haven't been so invested in this game either. It's probably just recency bias. I really don't know what I'm doing. Sometimes I'll just camp underwater. There's a singular pocket of water near some rocks that is a great hiding spot until the void gets you. Or at least, I think. I keep playing for about 20 minutes and, when I'm about to leave, Liem invites me to his in-game party and after a bit of texting him for directions and him yelling at me, I got into his party. Shortly after, the game started.
"Dude! Where are you!" Liem screeched over voice chat.
"I jumped!?" I yell.
"Already!? Oh my god, you're so bad at this!" He yells. As I fall to the ground, I start yelling at the top of my lungs.
"Where's the parachute!" I yell.
"B! B!" Liem screamed. I hit B and I start to float towards the ground.
"Dude, I knew you would be bad at this right when I asked you to start playing!" He continues yapping.
"Stop yelling, dude! I found a house thing. Let's loot it!" I yell.
"Dude, loot it yourself. Press Y and loot." He says, a bit more stoic and serious.
"A'ight," I say as I spam Y while running around the house in-game. I find a few weapons with different amounts of ammo and I pick the one that looks the coolest. After that, I throw myself outside the house and see a motorbike.
"Dude, there's a motorcycle here." I say to Liem.
"Then take it and just drive around until you see more loot." He says. He waits a few seconds, assuming I'm not in the vehicle yet.
"Y, man." He sighs.
"What do you mean; why?" I ask.
"Press Y!" He yells.
"Oh, okay." I say. I followed down the road just as he said. As I bolt down the road, I spot a few houses, go to loot them, and come back.
"Dude, check the map!" He says, running in front of me.
"Press! The void is coming!" He continues. I check the map, seeing the black area spread closer to me and, as he stated, I pressed.
"Lemme get in!" He yells.
"Okay!" I yell. I pause and wait for him, now tailing behind me to jump in the car. I continue waiting as I start worrying.
"The void is coming!" I yell.
"Man, I'm already in the car. Start driving." He says. I press the joystick forward.
"A'ight dude. I'm leaving. Just book it to the middle of the map!" He yells.
"Okay." I say. I see him run out of the car and create brick stairs to move onto the top of the buildings, now jumping from building to building. I keep pressing forward. Then, I see him jump onto a car. I stay quiet, assuming that he knows what he's doing. He smoothly gets into the car and starts driving, still ahead of me.
"That was pretty sick," I admit.
"I know," He says.
"After a few weeks of playing this game, you'll be just as good as me too." He says, his smile somehow audible. However, I disregard his tone and realize. He's only played this game for this short amount of time? And he's so good and confident.
"DUDE, YOU ARE GOING TO DIE!" He exclaims, causing me to hit a button in freight and start the car's radio. I wonder if any of my songs will be in this game. Maybe this new song will be someone's go-to when they're trying to win. I snap out of my day-dream to the sound of Liem yelling.
"You're at the edge! You're in the void! Drive faster!" He yells. I panic and hold my joystick down like my life depended on it. I look to the side of my screen, to see if I had gotten a good score. I hadn't. It's only twenty. I check on the other side to see a message. Liem777 from your party has died. I sit there in shock. How was he so good in such a bad game for him!
I check again to see my score. It's only three now. Man. I think. Immediately, I see two people shooting at me. We're in some type of dome surrounded by black. I jump out of the car and I miraculously get one kill with a sword I had found earlier and one from far away, right around the edge of the dome. I had seen the black capture me, but in the few pixels I had left of gameplay on my screen, I shot them twice and I saw them drop loads of items as my screen closed. I check my score. It's just "one" in bold yellow letters. Maybe that dome was a loser's bracket? I assume. However, I see a new achievement. "Last Survivor." I tilt my head in confusion. I thought I had only gotten one! I think, extremely confused. Then, I hear my phone ring several times over. It had been ringing throughout the last few seconds of the match, I just didn't hear it, so I picked up the phone only to see Liem spamming me.
Did you die?
Are you still in the match?
How much did you get?!
Only one
Dude! One! That's the best rank in the game!
I thought you were bad!
Rank?
I THOUGHT IT WAS YOUR SCORE!
In a turn of events, I won the game! My third game! Until now, I thought it was a score, but if we are going by rank, I got twelve on my first try, three on my second and first on my third! I can't believe it! I thought I was trash at this, yet I'm the best player I know. Maybe I shouldn't doubt myself as much. I check my phone again.
THATS CRAZYY!
IK
I smirk. I go back to my game to see that I got new items; my first items ever! I grin and close both my devices.
Gonna go, dude
Cya
I walk away to take a breather. It's funny how people lie to their friends when they want to leave. Just leave. I don't really get that. I'd rather be real with them than lie and make them a bit happy. If they'd even care, that is. After that adventurous day ends, days start paling in comparison. After the mediocre school week, I check my notifications on Friday night. Akako texted. I got nervous. Started sweating. I, with my sweaty fingers making visible marks on the phone screen, say hi. Quickly, I heard a ding as I was about to close my phone. Sup, she asks. I respond; Nothing much, u? I get really nervous, my heart starts dancing around my entire body. All in all, we had a nice chat. However, what I have realized is that we talk like we are each other's boss. Maybe even more formal. Like there's nothing between us but strict business. Oddly enough, I remember Akako being so confident back in 5th. She would talk to anyone and very enthusiastically on top of that. But, what would that mean for me? That I don't like her? Even if I did, what would happen? I couldn't just tell her, could I? However, I don't have to think about that! I really do like her, don't I?
Unlike most days, It was hard to fall asleep. Usually I'm clocked out by the time school ends, but the confliction destroyed me. I could go with my brain and guts and continue to be with Akako or start to get with Cara, on the side of my heart. Or is it inverted? Who knows- especially if I don't? I put on my headphones and scroll through my playlist. I keep scrolling through my few hundreds of songs saved just to find one I want to listen to. I eventually give up and my brain runs around the thought of Akako so much that I drift to sleep. The next day, I wake up in a cold sweat. After a while of just thinking, I make the executive decision to go to the gym, to catch a break. I check the time; It's only 4:56. I groan. I need to get away from it somehow. I run downstairs with my headphones and microphone and drumsticks, stepping on the inside of each stair in hopes to wake no one up. I run downstairs and drop my stuff only to make another run up and down the staircase for my computer. I start typing away. The song comes to me like lighting and it hurts like lightning too. As I type more and more, the pain reaches from my stomach to my eyes like a hand trying to push my eyes out. When the feeling gets up into my iris, I feel a sudden split in my eye, water pouring out of it. Quickly, the water pushes hard onto my computer. I quickly move it out of the way before it jams. I position myself to type without my tears spilling over my computer.
I'm so done. So tired. Why can't I be like other people? Like Cara. Who won't care if they're in the most awkward situation ever, if they did the worst thing possible. Why can't I forgive myself? Or why should I? Am I really trying to condone this? Am I pitying myself for doing things that are actively wrong? What have I become? I lecture myself. I soon start slamming my head with the side of my fist, for some reason holding back. I breath in heavily and continue typing. As I type, the more I cry, but I can't stop. It's almost like trauma dumping, writing music is. Just throwing your feelings into verses and everyone presumes you are just good at understanding people. Nah. You're nowhere close if you're so bad at understanding yourself that you make the public help you. This is mad. Insane! Why am I doing this?! People would die to be able to have a relationship like I have for three years- and I just threw it away! What's wrong with me? -And there's no way I can tell her now! Because I already told Cara I'm taken! I'm just going to have to live like this! Or opt for a whole life restart? I can't move houses!
I angrily roll over and close my computer softly, still careful to make any noise. In the case that they didn't wake up to the sound of my loud crying, that is. I, albeit angrily, fall to sleep.