I feel like I'm burnt to a crisp. I think, walking to the bus stop the next day. What aggravates me is the fact that nothing much has changed. My guilt has gone far lower than before but those are just side-effects, so to speak. Nothing has changed. I'm still me. It's killing me. I thought I'd feel more afraid, something like that- but no. I don't feel alone. I just feel bad. Was that all she was to me? Just-just a placeholder? A 'Sure-why not?' An 'If-you-say-so?' Are you kidding me. Maybe it wasn't like that before. Maybe I was falling hard before- and I just stopped. I was satisfied with that idea at first, but happiness comes in small doses. But we have no way to know- ugh! I stepped on the bus eagerly. Very ready to talk to Liem.
"You did it, huh?" He asks.
"Yeah- no escaping it now." I state.
"Good job! Now don't touch your love life for a while. Just make sure your guilt, regret and bad reputation is cleared, then you can drop in again." He says.
"Sure." I say.
"Listen, man. You're good, you're free. Chill a bit. Would you rather have all this bunched up inside you?" He continues forward.
"Maybe. I don't know." I say shyly.
The bus dropped us off at the school where I slowly look around to see Sam.
"Hi," I say. I pause.
"Do you know- about- it?" I ask.
"Yes." He says. He pauses too like he wants to change topics.
"Why would you do that?" He asks, sounding disturbed; like it was a problem for him too.
"Dude, it's comp-" I start.
"I don't care! What kind of idea is that?" He says, walking away from me like I'm some monster. I stay quiet. Wait, are we even talking about the same thing? He didn't bring up any details. Whatever, we're probably on the same page. Come to think of it, I don't know the extent of what anyone knows. What if they don't even know about Cara! But if I wait a while then get with her, if I'm even doing that, it's going to be revealed anyway! Shoot!
The bell rings and I shuffle my way into the school and get all my stuff ready for my classes before I slunk down in homeroom and someone is standing right next to me. Just one someone, but someone. I turn around.
"Hi, Aline." She says, looking worried.
"Yeah?" I ask, nervous.
"Can we talk about what happened? The- you know." She asked. I sigh.
"Sure, but can we text about it? I don't want the rumor spilling through the whole school." I say.
"Okay." She says, nodding. The day proves mundane and depressing. It wasn't in outbursts like before. It wasn't like a war. It was like, continuing that metaphor, mourning the loss of the soldiers. No one's around and you are silently paying your respects. That's how it feels. Like everything's over but you're still moving, albeit sluggishly. Y'know, I could make a song about this. Maybe it could be a verse in that song from a few weeks ago. Yes, it's perfect! Incredible! Maybe that'll be the beat drop. I hadn't planned for one in the song, but it might sound really sick. Maybe I could add some light jazz music in the background. Or maybe elevator music- something like that!
Today, I book it straight home after the bell rings, ecstatic to try out the new plan. I get home and gallop down the stairs, thumping hard when I reach the bottom and continuing to run to my instruments. I look around the rooms to find my computer and it doesn't take long until I do. I use my software and attempt to make a cool jazz beat. I'm not all that experienced with the software but it's usually fine considering I like playing manually anyway. After looking up a few things I get a simple jazz beat.
"Doo-duh-duh-duh! Doo!" I say, trying to perfect the last bits. I want it to play softly in the background, again, like elevator music to give it a feeling of revisiting past memories and such so I lighten the part and I move straight to the next. I get onto my drumset, eagerly testing out cool rhythms. I go for something unique because I don't want to waste the crazy high notes I'm ready to perform. I find a great, loud, poetic-sounding rhythm and I take a few tries with it before recording it. What if this album goes trending? What if I become a popular artist after this? This is the one, I know it! I race to high assumptions and expectations with no intent to drop them. Is it time? Finally time to gain fame? Maybe- maybe I'll hear my songs at a party- or even better, hear someone listening to them! That would feel so good. Maybe then I should akin a few songs in this album towards party songs? I haven't even finished this one, though, so I'll think about it later.
The whole day, I spend constructing the background of the song. It's finished! The background is finished! Now for the singing!
"Woohoooo!" I scream. Unfortunately, I have to pack it up a short while after. I did some of the vocals. That's great! I can finish it this week! I think, joyously. I skip over to my room only to see everything come back to me.
"Where were you?" My mom says, suspiciously. Oh, man. She doesn't know! I have to tell her- but when. She's going to murder me along with my dad. I'm so screwed.
"Hello?" She asks, waving her hand softly in my face.
"Um, again, I was in the basement. I'm almost done with this new song!" I say.
"Oh, that's great. I'm going to make dinner. Go to your room and do math for me." She commands. Fine, I deserve a lot worse. I march to my room in the same energy she commanded me in. I stepped inside and started watching videos. I think this is a great time to explain my studies. I was an undisputed and legendary student spanning the entire elementary school however, I perceive it as that I didn't really have a life for those few years. Eventually, my smarts came back to bite me in sixth grade when I started dating, when I lost and gained friends. One of them was Liem, actually. People just kind of left and it messed up all my grades (which by that I mean 85's to 90's so not horrible) and ever since then I tried to prove to my parents and everyone that I'm still competent and as victorious as ever, but I always knew it was a lie. People believe me because of how I act about bad grades and that's it. I've made progress, I definitely have. However, it's not extraordinary. In fact, maybe I'm doing a little less studying than the average high schooler.
A few minutes later, I reluctantly start doing math work.