After a painstaking day of school, I skip over to the buses, unsuspectingly.
Every so often, I text Cara. Every other day or so. That's why it surprised me when she walked into me after school.
Hey- um. Do you like me?" She asks immediately. My body tenses. Because I think I like you. I imagine. My body heat goes straight to the floor. Soon enough, she says the words.
"Because I think I like you." She says. My head shrivels along with my stomach. That's- th-that's what Akako said. My whole body clenches and cramps. Here and now? Oh, I thought I was going to take a break from this stuff- oh god- and so sudden!
"Yeah." I respond quickly. What's going to happen now? A few minutes pass as I anxiously wait and wait for her response. What happened? Oh no. I try not to tear up- a lot. No, I don't want this to happen! Not like before! No! NO! My emotions are differentiated sharply; two sides of my mind fighting amongst themselves to figure out what to process of the situation. WHY! I don't know if I get scared or relieved when she opens her mouth only a few seconds later.
"Um- I do too." she says. I shriek in every emotion I have ever felt.
"So." I say quickly.
"This is sudden." I continue. No way this is happening! I can't believe it! I mean- it would happen eventually- wouldn't it? It feels like I am going back to that war; that eternally-living war in my head, plastered into my imagination.
"I know." She says, smiling. I look around, snapping out of my daze. Luckily, no one is looking at us.
"So, do you want to be with me?" She asks loudly. Or- at least it feels loud.
"Um- well- how about we keep this- just-" I stutter. I pause and purse my lips.
"No, I understand." She says, looking down in disappointment. I stutter again.
"Well- um- no I don't mean it like that. I do want to be with you but- uhm- can we not date? You know what I mean?" I ask politely. She looks up at me, still a bit disappointed-looking.
"Alright." She sighs. I wince feeling bad.
"So- are we- like- kinda dating now?" She asks solemnly.
"Um-" I pause and sigh. No. I can't do this. There's no way- but- but I have to. Oh god! Oh no! I'm done- I'm done!
"I guess- we can just consider both of us dating." I say.
"So, boyfriend and girlfriend?" She asks. I squeal. Oh god.
"Yeah- boyfriend and girlfriend." I shiver.
I go home in tears. Tears flowing from my eyes onto the bottom of my shirt.
"What happened?" Liem asks.
"Sh-she-she-" I say. That's all I can take out of my mouth before I bawl more and more. Please don't let it happen again. Just- don't! NOT AGAIN!
It probably looks like a seizure as I course through my thoughts, scan them evenly. Liem tries to soothe me but, without a proper grasp on the situation, nothing helps. I go home like a ball of paper thrown in the trash or a tumbleweed when it's thundering outside. Why can't it all just stop. Why can't I be the person who puts the paper in the trash, throws the tumbleweed into the rain; why is it always me? Why am I always distraught while everyone else gets to be completely relaxed. Why me? Why me?!
Nothing ever relaxes. The war keeps going on and on and on and on. By the time I'm home, millions of outcomes have been covered about what could happen. I walk into my house, distraught yet keeping a modest face. My parents don't even know I broke up with Akako! Now Cara? How is my dad going to deal with this- or my mom for that matter? It's terrible. It's horrible. Still, why can people control me like a doll but I can't let anyone budge once. The thoughts devour me, engulf me and shove me into a deep crater I could never climb back up from. A crater that drops me straight into the core of the Earth and lets me sit there for the rest of eternity, burning away but making sure I'm still alive every second I'm there. The pain could never be described by these simple metaphors I mentioned. All of them together wouldn't do it.
I stumble onto my bed, masking my emotions as much as possible. Tears don't flow any longer. They've all ran out by now. This has to be a dream- but it isn't. If it was, it wouldn't be a complete nightmare! I can't believe it; this isn't real- it doesn't feel like it. Don't get me wrong, dating Cara is the least of my problems. The bad part is that I know how bad it's going to be. Not a single bad thing has happened yet and that's what I'm scared of. All the bad things will be coming for my throat, piercing my skin. It's already not great and I'm crying; later it'll be tragic- what will I be doing then?
Hours later, I still can't believe what happened. Similar to the day I broke up with Akako, today feels like a fresh cut. Exposed and frail, splitting and blunt pain. Hours later, I'm thinking the same thing. Hours and hours and hours later, I still don't know what to do.