Sometimes we regret it more, if our wishes are fulfilled than if they're not.
I was shocked at first—who would have thought that a girl like her would kiss me as hungrily as if she wanted to devour me? It was dizzying, and indeed, highly seductive. The satanic being deep within me kept encouraging me to take the opportunity, now or never, jump the chick! I could already see the images of pleasure in my head.
I liked what I saw, and that's why I would have been able to forget about the fact that Jo was a human—one of the most attractive humans I've ever seen. A provokingly sensual, incredibly sexy human girl who was just snuggling up to my chest, impatiently fiddling with my belt, and just wanted more of me. I laid her on the bed, leaned over, and kissed her.
My fingers found their way under her top and caressed her delicate skin. I felt that the mere touch of her scorched my senses. How could it feel so good when I caressed someone? I started kissing her neck, then bit into the sensitive skin. I paused for a moment. The monster inside me whispered in my ear, almost purring with joy, to bite again, this time stronger. Okay, I have to stop.
I moved away from the girl a little and slowly let my gaze wander on her body. I crumpled up her shirt before, so I had a perfect view of her round breasts, and I would have liked to rip that goddamn bra off of her at that moment.
Yet her face was the most seductive. Her eyes flashed with a hungry light, all of her features clearly showing her desire. Her enchanting eyes glued to mine, her cheeks flushed red, and her lips parted a little as she panted slightly.
Then she got tired of me just looking at her, she pushed herself off the quilt and kissed me. The touch of her lips was as soft, inviting, and encouraging as if she was ready to give herself entirely to me. She squeezed every ounce of her love into that hot kiss that made my chest heat up pleasantly yet unpleasantly. We both longed for the same thing, yet we couldn't get it.
The kiss was bitter. I was thinking that if I lost control over myself, Jo would have no chance of survival. When we finally split up, I pushed her gently away from me. She looked disappointed, and I thought I'd rather squeeze her in my arms again just so I wouldn't have to see those beautiful eyes as they filled with sadness. The rejection was clear to her, and at the same time devastating.
I didn't want to see her that way, yet I was only able to whisper something like "I'm sorry and I can't do it." It was a lie. What made it even worse was that I knew I could have gone through with it.
"Don't you like me?" she asked quietly, her voice tinged with vulnerability.
My heart clenched. In that moment, I knew without a doubt that I was doing the right thing. I didn't deserve her. I could never make her happy. This wasn't some fairytale, where love conquers all—it was the harsh, unforgiving reality that shatters everything. If I woke up one morning and found her no longer breathing... I wouldn't be able to live with myself.
"That's not it," I replied before I could even think.
"That's not it," I said before I could even think.
Jo brightened slightly, leaning in, her arms wrapping around my neck. But something in my eyes must've given me away, because she hesitated.
"What's wrong?" she asked, her voice laced with concern.
I couldn't meet her gaze. I pressed my lips together. I wanted to lie to her, but for a moment I thought I wouldn't be able to.
"I like you, Jo. Very much," I whispered, my voice barely audible. "But this... this won't work."
"What do you mean?" she asked, confusion clouding her features.
I pulled away, sitting on the edge of the bed. She followed me, her gaze never leaving me.
"There's someone else," I muttered.
The frantic pounding of her heart echoed in my ears, and the intoxicating scent of her sorrow clung to the air, wrapping around me like a spell. I couldn't tell her that I loved her. I couldn't, because the monster inside me would tear her apart in an instant. Jo was so beautiful, so delicate, that the darkness within me was driven to consume her.
"I see," she said, her voice surprisingly steady—there was no trace of pain or frustration.
When I finally looked up at her, I saw the same spark in her eyes as always, and the faintest smile played at the corners of her lips. Her heart beat steadily again, and the heavy scent of sorrow had vanished from her presence.
"I'm glad you understand," I said, though deep down, I never expected this kind of response from her.
"Oh, I was referring to something else," she clarified, her smile widening just a little.
Jo's smile softened, but there was a spark in her eyes as she leaned in slightly, her voice teasing.
"You're a terrible liar, you know that?" she said, the hint of amusement in her tone unmistakable.
I froze, the weight of her words sinking in. How had she known? How could she see through the carefully constructed walls I had built around myself?
"I—" I started, but she placed a finger on my lips, silencing me.
"You've got this whole tough-guy routine going, but I can see past it," she continued, her gaze unwavering. "You care more than you let on, and no amount of pretending is going to change that."
I wanted to argue, to pull away from her vulnerability, but her closeness—her honesty—was disarming. The monster inside me growled at the intrusion, but I couldn't bring myself to pull away. Not now, not when she was looking at me like that.
"Why do you think I'm still here, Shay?" Jo's voice softened, almost vulnerable, but there was no hiding the firmness behind her words.
And then something happened that I never could have imagined in my wildest dreams. Jo took my hand in hers and gave me a smile that seemed both tender and resolute.
"I'll wait for you, Shay," she said softly, her voice filled with quiet determination. "I'll wait until you're ready for a relationship."
I was stunned, my mouth hanging open for a moment as the words registered.
"What?" I finally managed to say, my voice thick with disbelief. "I don't want you to wait for me! You deserve someone who can give you everything you want, someone who can make you happy."
Her smile didn't fade, but it softened as if she had expected this exact reaction.
"I've already found someone who makes me happy," she said, and in that instant, my heart felt as if it had shattered into a million pieces.
She gently lifted my hand and placed it over her chest, guiding it to her heart.
"You are the one who fills my heart," she continued, her eyes never leaving mine. "And I'll wait until you're ready for me to fill yours."
Her gaze was steady and filled with so much warmth that, for a moment, it felt as though she could see straight into the very depths of me. The tears that had gathered in her eyes glistened under the light of the fading moon. She knew. She knew that, despite everything, she was already the only one who occupied my heart.
I couldn't help myself. In an instinctive, desperate motion, I pulled her into my arms again. I held her carefully, afraid that if I held her too tightly, her bones would break. I buried my face in her hair, inhaling her scent, trying to memorize it, to lock it away in my heart. I wanted to remember his pain——forever. For this ache that gnawed at my chest belonged to Jo, and Jo alone.
"Can we stay like this… for just a little longer?" I whispered, my voice barely audible against the soft rhythm of her breath.
"Sure," she replied, her voice filled with the kind of warmth that made my heart swell, even as it broke.
We simply held each other for what felt like an eternity. I relished the feel of her fingers gently tugging at my hair and the soft strokes of her palms across my back, a silent comfort that made the world outside our embrace seem irrelevant.
When we finally returned to the others, Coffee's gaze locked onto me, wide-eyed, as if she couldn't quite fathom that the inevitable hadn't come to pass. Her disbelief was palpable. At the sight of her expression, Alice slipped some money into Alex's hand with a sigh, his face hinting at some unspoken bet.
Coffee just gave me a slow, deliberate nod—almost like a silent acknowledgment of something I couldn't quite place. But honestly, I didn't hold back for her sake. I wasn't thinking about anything but Jo in that moment.
What baffled me, though, was how Alice and Alex had somehow managed to keep Coffee from breaking down the ridiculously expensive mahogany door to protect her best friend's virginity from me. I still don't understand it to this day.
The vampire girl seemed to have relaxed because before we had even settled back by the fire, she had already announced she was heading to bed. Alice, too, had planned to follow Coffee's example, but as soon as he stood, he wobbled a bit.
Alex caught him just in time and despite Alice's protests, he didn't hesitate, throwing a supportive arm over his shoulder. Of course, Alice muttered to him pleadingly, but Alex had no mercy and escorted him all the way to his room. Alex was peppering him with questions, aiming to uncover all of his secrets that the poor guy would not have soberly shared with him.
I let out a quiet sigh, debating whether I should leave too. But then Jo reached for my hand.
"Won't you stay for a little while?" she asked, her voice soft and earnest.
In the end, I stayed. She leaned in closer, and soon she was chattering about everything and nothing. Then, as if on cue, a shooting star streaked across the sky.
"When I was little, I thought it was the tears of angels," she said, her eyes wide with nostalgia.
I couldn't help but smile. I had once believed shooting stars were the semi-perishable cigarettes of angels, flicked just before God caught them smoking. I shared that thought with Jo, who listened with an amused expression, before I continued telling her stories—stories similar to the ones Alistair had told me during similar starry nights.
"See that? That's the Dipper," I pointed up at the familiar constellation.
Jo nodded eagerly, her eyes bright with recognition.
"Look, can you see that really bright star over there?" I asked, guiding her gaze with the tip of my finger.
"Yeah," she replied, following the line of my finger.
"That's Aldebaran, the eye of the Taurus constellation," I explained. "This constellation is only visible during the winter months."
Jo chuckled softly as I raised one of my eyebrows.
"Nothing," she said with a grin. "It's just... a bit weird that you know about this." She hesitated, then added, "I didn't think you were into astronomy."
I shrugged with a grin of my own. If my knowledge of the stars and constellations could enchant her, then it had already been worth learning.
The fae learn to sing before they learn to speak. Their songs are woven from tales of stars, storms, bloody battles, lost companions, glory, and ruin. But there are things for which their language offers no words—simple things, like 'please,' 'thank you,' and 'sorry'... or 'I love you.' The fae can express their hatred in twenty-six different ways, yet not a single word exists for love.
Vampires, on the other hand, do not have a separate language, but they do have a unique way of expressing love, one deeply entwined with blood. They offer their own blood to their beloved in exchange for the other's, but not in the way one might think. Vampires mark their love with the deep puncture of fangs, sinking them into each other's flesh until the scars left by their teeth form a binding that lasts forever.
But how should I express my love?
"I learned it from my... grandfather when I was a child," I said, then abruptly pointed to another star. "That's the end of the Dragon constellation," I traced the stars with my finger, drawing a circle at the end. "Though, to be honest, I think it looks more like a snake."
Mixed-bloods don't have a separate language or culture of their own; we simply blend existing customs. Alistair taught me a gesture or two that are unique to us, but none of them felt right for how I wanted to express myself with Jo.
I must have fallen into quiet contemplation for some time, because when I glanced at her again, Jo had already closed her eyes, drifting into sleep. Gently, I pulled her onto my lap, cradling her in my arms. For a long while, I just held her, watching her peaceful face in the soft glow of moonlight. The faint flames from the fire cast a warm, golden hue on her cheek. I could feel the steady rhythm of her heartbeat against my chest, and I breathed in her scent, letting it settle deep within me.
She looked so vulnerable in her sleep. And, like a silent wave, the monster within me began to creep in unnoticed. When had my nails become claws? I didn't realize until the sharp tip of one grazed Jo's skin in a single fluid motion. She stirred slightly, but remained asleep, unaware of the faint cut on her upper arm. Blood welled up beneath her warm, pale skin, the scent flooding my senses with an intensity that left me breathless.
I brushed the blood away with my finger, then traced her lips gently. The scarlet color suited her in a way I couldn't quite put into words. She was more beautiful than ever. I pressed a light kiss to her blood-red lips, savoring the taste as I lingered, my tongue brushing over them with a quiet thrill. I closed my eyes for a moment, imprinting the memory of her blood's sweetness in the deepest part of my heart, so I could never forget it. This intoxicating, bittersweet flavor... it was hers, and hers alone.
I wanted more. More of her—every drop. Everything. I wanted to mark every inch of her, to claim her completely, to make sure the world knew she belonged to me. Saliva filled my mouth as my desires twisted into something darker, something possessive. One drop. Two drops.
Jo stirred again, a slight furrow forming between her brows as she squinted, barely awake. I wiped my mouth quickly with the back of my hand, wiping it on my sweater, but it was too late—her eyes flickered open. My heart froze in my chest.
"Hm?" she mumbled sleepily trying to move my hand away from her eyes.
"Sleep on," I murmured, my voice dripping with a false sweetness, thick with a hint of command.
But she tugged at my hand, pulling it gently to her chest, her head resting against my arm as she sighed contentedly. I was grateful that she hadn't fully woken, that she hadn't opened her eyes. If she had looked up at me at that moment, she would have realized how different I am from the guy she fell in love with.
I could almost see her horrified expression in my mind, the shock and fear in her eyes if she knew what I truly was. My silvery hair, my darkened gaze—it was all too much.
I bit my lip, forcing the thought down, but it lingered. We were too different. The way humans love... it wasn't the way I loved. My love could only bring her pain, and the thought of it twisted in my stomach. My chest tightened with a bitter knot, my vision blurring as tiny pricks of pain pressed into my eyes, as though the weight of my own emotions was too much to bear.
Jo, on the other hand, slept peacefully, unaware of the danger that lay beside her. Unaware of the monster.
That night, under the vast expanse of stars, as I held her delicate form close to me, I made a decision. It wasn't one I wanted to make, but it was necessary. I had to distance myself from Jo, for her own sake.
I had always known that my love could never be the same as a human's—mine was darker, more primal, more dangerous. She would never be safe from the hunger that lived in me. But I would make sure she never truly saw it—never felt it.
I realized that my love for Jo was not about possession or claiming her. It wasn't about keeping her to myself or marking her with my touch. It wasn't about demanding she belong to me, even in the twisted, primal way I desired.
No, my love for her was something different. It was about letting her live—letting her remain untouched by the darkness that churned inside me.
I wanted to hold her, to pull her closer, and never let go. But in the depths of my soul, I knew that the truest way to love her was to step back, to not let her fall victim to the monster within me.
I would let her live, and that would be my love. My heart shattered as I made that decision. I leaned in slowly, the weight of my decision pressing down on me like a thousand chains. My gaze softened as I gazed at her peaceful face, her gentle breaths the only sound in the quiet of the night.
With a quiet sigh, I brushed a stray lock of hair from her forehead and pressed a soft kiss to her skin. It was gentle, barely there, but it felt like a promise. My lips lingered for just a second, and then I pulled back, fighting the fierce desire to hold on tighter.
"I want you to live, Jo," I whispered, my voice rough with emotion. "A long, happy life."
My heart shattered at the thought of her moving on without me, but it was the only way. It had to be.
"After we finish school... I want you to forget me," I murmured, my voice barely audible in the quiet of the night. "Forget everything. Move on. Find someone who can give you the life you deserve."
I closed my eyes for a moment, swallowing down the lump in my throat. "Please, Jo."
I stayed still, my chest tight as I held her in the moonlight, silently vowing that no matter what, I would give her the one thing I could—her life.
(...)
Since I hadn't slept a wink, I guess I could say that Alex woke up first—It started with an agonizing scream. In the blink of an eye, the door swung open, and Alex stumbled out, his face looking worn with dark circles under his eyes. He didn't seem to notice the cold dawn air, clad only in his underwear. Without a second thought, he plopped down beside me and buried his face in his hands, sobbing quietly.
"Quiet, man, you'll wake her up," I muttered, though it was clear that waking Jo was the last thing on his mind right now.
Alex turned his head toward me as if he'd forgotten I was there, lost in his sea of self-pity. His eyes were wide with a madness I'd only seen before in response to the mere sight of apple pies.
"What's wrong?" I asked, knowing full well he wouldn't rest until he got every last bit of his mind out.
"I had a terrible dream!" he said dramatically, as though he'd just announced he was allergic to breathing or something equally catastrophic. That was why I watched him with tense muscles and involuntarily almost fight-ready excitement. Whatever it was, it must be serious.
"I dreamed I was abducted by aliens!" he continued, nearly shaking with the intensity of it. "Alien scientists tied me to a white bed, and they were planning surgeries, but the two scientists couldn't agree on what to do. One of them kept using this really unflattering picture of me as evidence that cows and humans are closely related! I was so fucking mad that I woke up!"
At that point, Jo didn't wake up to Alex's loud ranting or wild gesturing, but rather to the faint tremble in my chest as I desperately tried to hold back the chuckles threatening to spill out.