I stop him in his tracks and extend my right hand so that we shake hands instead of hugging each other, avoiding the situation when his scent makes me wake in the knees and I play the "what if?" game in my head. "I'm okay, just tired as always and yourself?" I say waiting for him to shake my hand. He hesitates for two minutes starring at my hand then I hear a laugh coming in his direction. He looks up at me, back to my hand, and then right back up. And then he shrugs his shoulders and shakes my hand.
"I'm good... I miss you," he says while rubbing the back of my hand with his thumb. I get goosebumps immediately. I pull my hand away. I hate the effect he still has on my body. "Well, you shouldn't. You're the one who decided to leave," I say brushing passed his shoulder and letting myself in. Paul and I have a bit of a history together. He was my introduction to the concept of dating. Obviously it didn't end well between us seeing that the pain still lingers through the corridors of my heart. I thought he loved me, but like every dick face he just wanted Whiskers.
"I'm sorry. I wasn't -" he tries to apologies but I interrupt him. "Lexi, where are you?" I shut ending Paul's pathetic attempt of an apology. My voice echoes around around the whole house. "Are you seriously going to ignore my existence or my attempt to apologizing for hurting you?" he asks clearly crushed by my actions. "We don't give a rat's ass if you're hurt, buddy!" my subconscious says, annoyance all over her tone. "I'm upstairs!" Thank God, saved by Lexi. I rush up the stairs without even answering Paul. "You can't always run from me!" he shouts behind me with a sense of defeat in his voice. "yeah, whatever brah!" I say, mentally flipping him the bird and rolling my eyes. Paul just had to ruin my mood. I won't lie, seeing him brought back good memories and tearful nights.
"Dude, wake up!" Lexi snaps me out of my thoughts. "You've been starring outside for ten minutes now and it's starting to creep me out," she continues. She is busy cleaning her room which I don't get because it's already confused. Oh, sorry. I was just thinking about today and tomorrow will be the same events just o reply," I say. I know I am half lying to my best friend, but she and everyone else didn't know Paul and I once dated. They just knew I was dating a guy named Paul. Not that I wanted to keep my one of the most exciting moments of my life to myself, but how do you say "Lex, Paul and I have been hanging out on Friday evenings behind your back. You know, the one I said that I'm having a family diner at home with the horrible Aunt Caroline, we went to a nice Greek restaurant and he officially asked me to be his girlfriend" without hurting her feelings? I know, I am a bad friend but a girl has to have her own secrets, right?
"So tell me, what made you look so... what's the word? Shitty? Yes, that's it," she asks while giggling. Her grass green eyes are shiny and watery when facing her bedroom light. "Well, uhm... so you must know that Jason Carter is in class with me, right? Right. So I was s stressed about the whole deja-vu 9th grade thing, so I wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone after class. Well, the guy comes and acts all buddy. Lexi, I mean it's been a year and a few months no communication from him, not even a fucken "Hello" and now I'm worth his five second attention span?" I start explaining everything and trying to hold my tears of frustration back.
"Okay, I..." I breathe in, "I was heading to my table in front of the class, like the decent girl I am..." I start laughing at my words. "Shut up. Decent my ass!" she says. We both burst out into laughter knowing that it's bullshit. "Okay, I decided to sit in front because I can't see the board from behind and I really didn't want to wear my stupid glasses. Well anyway, he's like 'hey' and I'm like 'hey to you too,'. In a nutshell, he's like we should hang out sometime and that he misses our talks. And I'm like -" I get interrupted by her. her facial expression is just annoyance.
"You were like hell no?" she asks Lips pressed into a thin line. Her face is so firm and tight. She has this focused look, even if a fly landed on her nose it wouldn't distract her. "No, I was like sure. I didn't think he was serious about it. I thought he was on that just kidding tip," I say frustrated. "But I was wrong. So after settling down in class, he comes to my table and I can feel everyone's eyes on me. I wanted t die right there," I say and she starts laughing. I guess I wear my hear on my sleeves with the expression I had on my face. "And the he's like so I would love to talk now if you don't mind. I mean I thought some time meant in the far future, not like five seconds later. Honestly, I thought he was kidding about that but actually, for once, keep his word," I say with a confused look on my face. Past event flush in my head of all the times he has to practice the empty promise system.
"And?" she asks eagerly waiting. She is literally sitting on the edge of the bed, squeezing the life out of the pillow. "So we chilled in class with everyone in the crew, okay everyone who was comfortable enough to be sitting next to each other. We talked. We sat really close and his left arm was around my waist the entire time. I won't lie, but it felt great having his attention on me. Being the center of his universe, making him laugh... he looked at ease whenever he laughed. And then, like always, things got awkward. Lexi like the atmosphere between us just went all tense. After what seemed like forever he goes an asks me the most random question ever..."I state. I am so annoyed and worked up thinking of what happened in class that I start pacing around Lexi's room. "Fucked up? As in are you pregnant? " she asks with a bored, uninterested tone.
"What? No! Lexi, are you okay?" I burst out in a fit of laughter. My stomach starts hurting from laughing too much. "He asked if I am dating anyone. Okay his actual words were so who is he? and I was like the fuck you talking about? Okay, I was thinking it. Is it any of his business who I mess with?" I say stopping right in front of Lexi. "Babes, you're freaking out again. Just breathe and carry on talking," she says. Her voice was shaky while talking which is usually an indication that she's worried like crazy. "Where was I again? Oh..." I ask facing her because my mind decides to go blank. I take a seat on the sofa in the left corner. "I told him that I am single and it's been a while since actually being labelled someone's girlfriend," I continue, sounding a bit relaxed now.
"Why didn't you lie? Maybe by saying yes and he is on the football team at blah, blah high and he is fucken hot," she says sounding slightly irritated. "I wish I did. I wish I could but he sees right through me," I say. He always seems to sense whether I was lying or not, just by looking into my small dark brown eyes like he is starring into my soul. "True," she says shrugging her shoulders. "So what do you think about everything? I mean all the past years and today?" she asks. "Dude, we pressed pause on that thought," my subconscious comments. Yeah, honestly I've been running away from that path. I mean having a complicate three year friendship with Mr. Popular is getting too much to handle. When I think of all the frustration and confusion I had to deal with during those years, it isn't worth reliving those years in eleven months.
"Honestly, I have decided to take one day at a time. With Jason, I really don't know what to think or expect. What to do or where to go. Maybe he just wants the support of someone who isn't in his crew and who is willing to see him beyond the beauty, fame or title," I state. "Anyway, how was the first day with queen Kimberly?" I asked making a gagging face after saying that. The thought of her really turns my stomach into knots. We hardly know each other, but you always know a bitch by just looking at one. She pretends to be perfect but having that mindset is unrealistic. But she was his queen and trust be told, they complemented each other perfectly. It makes sense why they were likely to be homecoming king and queen.
"She isn't so bad... very nice and supportive. She's god people man. But she has the fakest annoying smile plastered on her face," she says rolling her eyes at the end of the sentence. I couldn't help but laugh. Lexi is those type of people who always sees the best in a person even if said person did her wrong. But yes, Kimberly Fortmen has a very see-though "yes, I am pretending" smile. "but damn was she beyond pissed when she realized Jason isn't in the same register class as her. For the first time in my fucked up high school life, I saw her angry, being like every normal teenager, well emotionally normal but the reason was pretty lame," she continues.
"Oh well, I hope they can balance everything and get married just after high school. She can finally complete her dream of having Jason Carter juniors," I pause for a moment. "Now that I think of it, their babies would look so cute," I say. Okay, that really isn't the direction I thought that the conversation would go. I know I should be hurt at that thought of Jason being married to anyone especially her but Jason Carter is just one of those people I have to make their presence in my life as a lesson and not as a blessing.
Flashback 9th grade
"Hey Tan," Jas says with his gorgeous pearly white smile. "hey handsome. How are you? You look... well nervous to say the least," I say politely only noticing then that he didn't carry his usual confident glow with him. Seeing him in that blazer with his pitch black hair laid perfectly on his forehead makes my body melt into a blob. "Well I just wanted to ask you something real quick," he begins his question. The tension in the room starts increasing. "Oh okay?" that comes out more of a question than a statement. "Let's prepare for the worse," my subconscious says a bit more nervous than excited about the question that's about to come.
"I know I've asked you this before but you know me I'm a persistent guy," he continues. I bite the inside of both my cheeks not uttering a word because of what he just said so. "Will you go out with me? Like on a proper date. No bullshit or social titles. Just the Jason Carter," he says in a pleading way. "Okay, that was not what we had in mind," my subconscious states clearly shocked. I've been waiting for this moment for what seems forever, but weirdly I don't feel that satisfying feeling. That feeling that you get when you finally get the one thing you have dreaming of, the one thing that's been consuming your thoughts. The only emotion that is prominent is a shock, astonishment. Like "what the actual fuck?" is more like it.
"Uhm wow... like before I need some time to think about that," I say. His eyes hold a bit of disappointment at what I say but his smile shows that he understands. "I mean I am just too shocked to think clearly. We don't wanna rush into things, right?" I try to explain. I smile in an attempt to lighten up the tension between us. "Okay. Could you at least come to a decision by the end of the day?" It is more of a statement than a question. I nod my head, realizing that words are not needed. e pulls me closer and kisses my forehead. His lips feel so soft against my skin that I automatically close my eyes, capturing the moment. After a few minutes, I open my eyes and realize that he still hasn't let go. His arms are resting around my waist.
I meet up with Lexi and Samantha and brief them about my encounter with Jas. "Okay personally, go for him girl. You've been waiting for this day for like a long time and you've been smiling like a psycho since you started telling us what happened," Lexi says with a smile of encouragement and approval. I can't help but feel my face heat up and blush. "Well, my opinion is to stay far away from the guy," Samantha rudely ruins the happy moment and my mood. She's been off since I met up with them. I love the fact that Samantha is honest and straight-forward with everything, but damn, she just shut down my delusional dream. "Oh... okay. Thanks for your opinions. Later," I say walking to class. I decide to look back and stare at Samantha as her words echo in my mind.
"Bye babes," Lexi waves and has her usual bubbly happy expression. Samantha, on the other hand, has this empty, uninterested look. "oh well I guess it's that time of the month for someone," my subconscious sings. Maybe it is. A few minutes later, I bump into the most perfect movie scene. From where I am standing Jason is saying something to Kimberly. It isn't your usual, pathetic high school talks but it was more of those intimate romantic talks with a whole lot of sweet nothings being said and intertwining hand-holding action. He keeps on rubbing his thumb on the back of her perfectly manicured hand. The reason why I am saying is that I am like two feet away from them. I am shocked frozen and breathing seems like a foreign concept to me.
I mean I was about to say "yes Jason. I would love to go out with you maybe make things official," but I guess he had other plans seeing right now he has his tongue literally down her throat. One tiny question: what happened to take things slow? Or did that just fly out of the window? I feel my face heats up like it was on fire and my eyes burning like acid had leaked inside somehow. What's going on? I think I have seen enough now. I turn around to head to the nearest exit and I'm not paying attention to my surroundings when suddenly I bump into someone's chest. Oh dammit!
"Watch it... oh hey Tan," I hear a familiar voice from behind me. "Shit. It's Cole," my subconscious screams. "Hey," I say. My voice sounds low and harsh, and I am starring at the ground as it was the most fascinating thing in the world. "Hey, what's up?" he asks. His voice is full of concern as he starts scanning the large corridor trying to figure out what upset m. His eyes land on that specific spot when I was trying, and failing to escape. "Oh shii... Listen Tan," he tries to think of something quick to cover up for his best friend. Unfortunately, it's too late. "It is okay Cole. I mean it's nothing," I say as a tear rolls down my eye and a smile on my face.
"It's just a couple having their moment," I continue. He looks into my big teary eyes for a long moment not saying anything. I decide to keep my smile on even if it seems forced. "He might be my friend but he is a dick," he finally says as he stares back to his friend. "Please tell Lexi that I am sorry, but something came up," I say and left him standing at the same spot.
Jason Carter is just a lesson and never mine to keep.
End of Flashback