JULIAN OLIVAREZ
I'm supposed to meet with Adrien at this one cafe this weekend. I have been anticipating it ever since he invited me out,I was so eager to hang out with him.
But today, all of a sudden,I feel suffocated. I feel like I should cancel the plans and stay indoors.
This always happens whenever I have to meet new faces outside business. Whenever I try to make friends,it happens. I thought I would be able to manage, but I guess not.
This started way back in time. I can't even recall when exactly;
Growing up was a tough fit for me. As a kid,there are things you crave. Even when you get everything that others would say you are lucky to have,you still feel unsatisfied.
I am my mother's first born of two.
I never knew anything about my father while growing up,just that he abandoned my mother when she was pregnant with me and that I got my last name from him.
My mother was abusive both physically and mentally.
The way she brought me up was so brutal that I ended up traumatized. I found myself shutting out people as a defense mechanism, but I had to grow out of it. I had to do something about it if I wanted to succeed somehow. Which I did by facing customers and colleagues with a note at the back of my mind that it's just business. They won't get to see beyond my business face.
I want to live like normal people,though I never had a normal childhood like the rest. I can start somewhere because I hate living like this.
Few people know about my life experiences as someone who watched as other kids in the neighborhood play but wasn't allowed to leave the house. Having to cater for my younger brother and getting punished whenever he made a mistake a child. Having to be reminded how your mother loathes your entire existence. It is this kind of upbringing that taunts me to date.
The only friends I have or had were some of my classmates from the schools I attended. That's because my mother couldn't reach me there,she couldn't shoo them away like she always did whenever I tried to befriend our neighbor's children.
Unlike other children,I enjoyed being in school. It meant a little bit of freedom away from my oppressor,so I could grab any chance I got to be away from her.
Sundays were the only days we had together, but she could make sure I have my face deep in chores,she never wanted to look at me, not even once. She could always have mean things to say in front of my peers. So whenever I tried to hang out with them, they could bully me with the same words she used.
I became sensitive to words that even when I knew that other people's opinions should not influence me,I let them get to me. Mean comments have been a weakness I want to get rid of. I want to learn self-love.
Life was unbearable until I was around Eleven years old and met my biological father, the infamous Olivarez Snr. I found out that he had eighteen other children in different women, and he only lived with not more than five. That gave me confused emotions,I kinda felt relieved that he didn't do that to only me, so he must not bear hatred for me like my mother.
But I was also mad at him for abandoning me and living me to suffer at the hands of his woman for reasons unknown to me. I also felt happy that I got a chance to be away from my mother. So whenever he invited me to spend school breaks with him,I was eager to join him.
I thought that finally, life was playing out right in my favor for once,only for him to die two years later. Then, his inheritance was all taken over by his eldest children. You could imagine what became of my life. It's funny,isn't it. Life always has its way to shake you.
So, I had to adapt and survive like an orphan,even though I had one parent alive. In the process, I developed severe trust issues and depression.
I kept in touch with Issandra, who was my only best friend then. I learned to classify people as they are because not everyone I knew was a friend.
You see, Issa and I met in primary school and became best friends in middle school. We went to the same schools throughout all levels even though she was three years younger. She was a sweetheart and always made me feel better about myself. She always lifted my moods and never pestered me to tell her where I got my bruises from. So I liked her for that mainly. She was understanding and loving.
Then, in high school, I met Matt Anderson,we were both at the school swimming team and were quite competitive in academics. He somehow dug his way into my life and stayed since then. You could say we were enemies to best friends.
Now that both of my best friends decided to break that trust that had taken years to build,I feel like trusting someone else is gonna be a tag of war. They broke my heart and confidence and brought back my worst fears.
I'm doubting myself worth it. I feel like I'm unlovable.
I feel like shit.
Days like these have me wishing everything was different
I wish I was never conceived in the first place
I wish my parents never had to separate having mama go through pregnancy alone.
I wish that I was never the mistake/regretted child. I wish I was wanted,at least by my own mother.
I wish I was good enough in her eyes that she never looked at me with all that hatred and anger she had because she couldn't get rid of me.
Maybe just maybe I wish I had a bond with her. I mean,what kind of mother wakes up on their child's eighteenth birthday and sends them off to the streets because nobody can imprison them anymore.
I had to suffer through life with the support of a few friends,you vould call me self made. Because that is what I am.
After I started my own business,my step siblings and mother started contacting me. But that's all after I had started to make it. Before, I was just a contributing factor to world overpopulation.
Right now, I could use someone to vent to, but Issa and Matt are out of the question.
I guess I should wear my happy face and go check myself into a mental institute. I should see a therapist or psychiatrist because that feeling is back. That voice within me that tells 'me to let go.
Yeah,I'm that fragile. Few people know about me being borderline suicidal. I'm glad they don't use it against me. Although they chose to go behind my back and do whatever. I'm glad I had a relationship with them.
The sad thing is that I don't know if anyone else could understand the turmoil I'm going through lately or even the tip of this iceberg.
That voice keeps shouting,telling me that
"I'm a mess,underserving, unworthy
and unwanted, that's what I'll ever be" in a loop.
I really have to book an appointment with some psychiatrist at this point.