Day 1

My husband left again and relapsed. We found out that we are pregnant two months ago and had our first sonogram on the 15th. The baby is healthy to this point but I am drowning. Trying to fix it all is such a heavyweight. He left with an entire $900 that should have went to the back bills but instead he is using it to fill his addiction.

After the sonogram he wanted to hug me and fix things but his enabling mother gave him an excuse that he is now using to justify his choice. Our son has noticed he is gone but is not really missing him yet!What the fuck is wrong with me to keep allowing this man to come and go?

I had to give him tough love and now I need to file for divorce if he doesn't actually intend on recovering, fixing himself or making healthy choices. So now I need to protect our kids and set boundaries. He had been wanting pills for weeks; but I would not give in to his temptation. I know that I am just as broken as him; but I am going to do the work to heal myself and move to Alabama or Georgia without him. My family needs this.

It is so hard for me to not stick it out with him when I endured the same behavior for my own father for 20 years. It is not that I don't love him. I am just tired of fighting him and his demons. I can't control my emotions like I should be able to due to the pregnancy and having my hormones a mess. I need God to step in and keep me humble. I am no better than him. I do sometimes enable his downward spirals but I need to find a way to heal my inner child, my heart, soul and spirit.

The dopamine release that he is looking for is found in sex which is what he uses me for; so when I don't feel like having sex is around the same time in which he relapses. And the worst part is he lies to me and says he is understanding. He needs to find good food, something new to do or music that has the same effect so he isn't 100% reliant on me and my sexual urges.

Oxytocin is released during orgasms and he needs that to feel better; when he has 10 to 15 orgasms a week he is happy, but anything less makes him more stressed. Maybe boxing, wrestling or a sport can help him get that same release when I need breaks. Honestly he needs to go to treatment, work the program and never return to Missouri! Just so that he has limited access to drug dealers. Yeah I think that is the reaction of the controlling part within myself.

The Bible tells me I need to confront him head on and not be compassionate to his struggle or he may never really get help. I just hate threatening divorce because I know it hurts him, retraumatizes him and makes him withdrawal. But finding healthy boundaries is okay so for the time being I will find a job and therapist that works well with addiction and fix my own trust issues.

I tell the lie that I am all right because I prefer to suffer in silence. His parents asked if I needed help and as hard as it is I think I need to take them up on it. It is Christmas season and I know they were willing looking forward to having us, but I need to limit my contact with him. He is my best friend so it feels like cutting off a limb to cut him off. I have a long hard road ahead of me but I need therapy myself.

I need to heal myself so my cup is full and I can help guide others to a better version of themselves. So many people rely on me; children and adults! I am so used to focusing on everyone else but it is my time to shine and find my voice again. I called him on his bullshit then blocked him so he could understand that I am done. I really need to accept that he does love me and our kids no matter how hard it is for me! I may wait to actually file the paperwork but maybe him truly seeing it all written out and needing to get it notarized will make him want to get help. I can't be his only therapy. He needs to deal with his trauma and I need to deal with mine. My trust issues are deep.

My healing journey needs to start now for our unborn child and for our son. I am not my best as a mother and pawn a lot of my duties on my oldest son which needs to stop. I am going to ask the doctors how I can help my energy levels and speak to a therapist about my past trauma, lazy style and just do the work to be the best version of myself; regardless of what he is doing. I can't keep expecting him to fulfill me and be my joy. I don't want to be this empty inside and just going through the motions of life; without really enjoying anything about it. That behavior is making me miserable to be around and within myself.

Tomorrow is another day and I guess I will try again then!