Having her in my arms right now is sending all reason tumbling out the window. I guess it's because I've been holding back for so long.
I release her from the hug and turn her around by her shoulders to face me. I want to be able to see every flicker of emotion that crosses her features. I hope if there is a stop sign in her eyes, I will be able to find it in me to do so.
Right now her eyes are just clear of anything, no communication whatsoever. I take it as a green light to go ahead with whatever I'm planning to.
Throughout dinner, the taste of the strawberry on her lips assaulted my mind. The memory involuntarily has me lowering my eyes to her lips. She slightly parts them in reaction, that slight action tearing down all common sense.
"Ree, dessert first." My mom calls out, a naughty smile audible in her voice. I reluctantly tear myself away from Ocean's lips and pull her away from the wall I had her pinned.
I rest my forehead on hers, trying to catch my breath and give her a chance to lower the flush on her face. A look I have seen very often to recognize works it's way onto her face, clearing away the flush– disappointment.
I guess she has been waiting for me as much as I have been for her. The reason I have been holding back is too embarrassing for me to explain to her. How do I explain being 23 and still a virgin.
"Shall we go down?" I ask, trying to clear my head of this brewing troubling thought. She just nods in reply and I take her hand in mine and lead her down.
When we walk into the dinning room, a third person sits with their back to the stairs. I wonder who it could be, we never have anyone joining us for Christmas dinner. Mom has always made it a family thing. Having no extended family I know about, I'm surprised we have company.
I look at my mom for a hint, but I'm surprised to pick irritation, a rare sight on mom's face.
Kirst¡! I scream in my head. My eyes dart to gauge Ocean's reaction. Remembering their encounter at the masquerade ball, she didn't seem too comfortable to meet her. Today is not any different, shock has her frozen in place.
I take her hand and lead her to a seat beside my mom, facing Kirst. The air is too thick, I wonder how she is able to smile. "Cream pie, how have you been?" She says, looking at me. I have always hated that name, and now I hate it even more because it's coming from someone who makes my girlfriend uncomfortable.
I just smile in response, trying really hard not be rude. "Umm, Kirst, that's Hazel." My dad cuts through the impeding silence, gesturing at Ocean. Kirst just smiles, staring at Ocean with what looks like tears collecting in her eyes. Something is off and not being able to pin point what it is, is just adding to my irritation.
"Hazel, that's Kirst, a family friend." Dad continues, staring at Ocean and back at Kirst. I look at Ocean and all she does is smile. Not the one that lights a room, one just out of courtesy.
"Mariah, shall we eat." Dad says looking pointedly at mom. It seems he is the only one who has his tongue tonight.
She wheels in bowls of sticky toffee pudding and vanilla ice cream to compliment. If it were thirty minutes ago, I would have dived into the bowls. Kirst's presence has taken away my appetite for my favorite Christmas dessert.
It seems to be the case for Ocean, she keeps twirling her spoon in the ice cream without taking even a scoop. "Is it not to your liking dear?" Kirst asks, speaking for the first time since we sat here, her eyes glowing with something I do not want to give much thought.
"Umm, it is." Ocean replies, taking a bit of the ice cream into a mouth and cutting into the pudding. Any one could tell that she was putting up an act. Eating beacuse she was confronted.
"Haz and I will clear the dishes." I suggest, taking her hand in mine and pulling her up with me.
"Are you ok?" I ask, when we are in the refuge of the kitchen. "I am." She says, but I could tell they were just words with no meaning to them. We go through the dish cleaning in silence. I opted to wash as she towel dried and put them away.
"Go upstairs, I will join you shortly." I say, when we were done. "I don't want to spend the night." She replies, her eyes glazing over with unshed tears. A sight that breaks my heart, mainly because she won't share with me the cause of it. "I need to take care of something, then I'll drive you home." I coax. She drags her feet out.
I don't plan on letting her go yet though, I want to be a little selfish for once. I grab two wine glasses and a bottle of champagne from the wine cabinet and head out to join her.
"It's her Kev, I could just feel it. Did you see her hair? It's just like mine, she shade of it. The colour of her eyes too." I hear Kirst's voice from the study as I pass by, causing me to hault in my step.
"We can not be so sure, what you are saying could just be a mere coincidence. There possibilities of unrelated look alikes." Dad's voice comes out hushed. "What did she say her mother's name was?" Kirst asks, her voice tearful. "I didn't ask, but she said she was adopted." Dad replies.
I gasp at all this and tip toe away from the study door, incase they open it and find me eavesdropping. I lean at the stairs railing, my hands shaking. Now that I think about it, there is a possibility that she could be her mom.
Ocean's story, their hair colour, their eye color and even their body structure. The last thing I want right now is for Ocean to find out about it. It will break her. I draw in a deep breath in a quest to calm myself and head upstairs to join my ocean.
I'm planning on drowning in those bottomless eyes tonight.
I find her curled up in my window couch, looking out into space. I grab a fleece blanket and cover her with it. She slowly turns to look at me, she's been crying.
"Hey, talk to me." I say, pulling her towards me. She sobs, her shoulders shaking from it. I just sit there helplessly and let her cry it out.
"Is that wine?" Her voice startles me. "Yes. Yes it is." I reply, playing along. It stings that she won't tell me about it but the least I can do is be here for her, just following her lead. I get up to grab the bottle and glasses from the dresser and bring them to her.
"You want to know a secret?" I say, trying to lighten the mood. She smiles, her face lighting up, my Christmas tree. I flip my guitar like a hinge to reveal a shelf of potato chips. "No waaay." She screams, coming up to me. "Yes way." I say back, laughing.
This wasn't here before today, I put it up when I was bored waiting for her in the afternoon. I'm glad it got the reaction I had anticipated.
We grab our chips and sip on wine while watching the stars.
"Do you think we look alike?" She says, after a long while of comfortable silence. "We?" I ask, teasing, knowing too well what she is getting at. "Yes, Kirst and I?" She continues, her voice maintaining it's seriousness with a hint of longing.
"Now that I have seen you in one place, yuh I think you do." I reply. She draws in a sharp breath, leaving me to wonder if I had said something she didn't want to hear. "I was afraid so. I'm not ready Ree." She says, her voice sounding blocked. I understand where she is coming from. It will not be easy to meet a mother she never knew.
"No she is not." She says, wiping away her tears with a newly found determination. "Yes." I say, pulling her in for a hug.
She wiggles out of my hands and leans in for a kiss, surprising me.