Life has been cruel to me. Some would say what I'm going through is all fate's doing. Well then fate is cruel, atleast it is cruel to everyone.
I am slowly drowning in depression. I know most people would deny it but I have always faced my problems head on. I am depressed. I've tried everything from shopping, to partying, to drinking, to sex, –I even had a threesome at my age– but non of it has worked. Nothing has even tried, they were all just temporary analgesics.
I am sitting on my bedroom couch besides the window overlooking the vast backyard garden. The green looking dull because of the low heavy clouds hovering above. It's as if nature is depressed with me. It's both a relief and also heartbreaking. A relief because atleast mother nature is with me in this low mood moment and heartbreaking because she can pour out her grief and I can't. I don't remember the last time I cried.
I wrap my shoal tighter around my shoulders and drag myself to the bed. I punch in the codes into my safe and pull out the thought box.
I have been contemplating telling Lynn about everything but her potential reaction has put brakes on my thoughts. The probability of her having a heartbreak, feeling depressed and moving out would be unbearable. I won't be able to stop her if it comes to that, she is at an age to make her own decisions now.
I drag myself back to the window couch and open it....
I woke up, looking around for my baby. She was the first person I thought of. The light reflecting off the walls assault my eyes and the putrid antiseptic scent makes my nose cringe.
My muscles were aching and the dryness in my mouth was unexplainable. I tried to open my mouth but nothing came out. I manage to move my stiff arm and ring the alarm.
A nurse rushes through and I mouth water, which surprisingly, she understood. My parched throat feels refreshed at the first gulp I took.
'My daughter.' I mouth. The nurse looked confused. "I'm sorry ma'am but you were carried here alone. I'm sorry to say that your husband could not make it." She said, compassion written all over her face. Tears glace my eyes, but I couldn't she'd them. "We didn't hear about any information about you having a daughter." She continues, "You were in a vegetative state for three months." She adjusts my pillows and covers before heading out and reappearing again with a bowl of soup....
Everytime I open the box, tears threaten to flow out of me, but I restrain them everytime.....
I stayed in the hospital for three more months. I had hallucinations until I thought I would lose my mind. They recommended a physcho therapy. It was the only event I looked forward to.
The most painful thing was the loss of my daughter, I believed she was somewhere out there but wished I knew where exactly.
Time passed and I was able to move back home, a welcome change.....
"Mom." Lynn calls, shocking me out of my head. I'm frozen in place. My expression is distorted and I'm holding the cylinder. "Yes dear." I reply, wiping away tears from my eyes and plastering a smile on my face. She crosses the room to the window before I'm able to hide the cylinder. Her eyes fall to it and I'm expecting some kind of confrontations and questions. All she does is avert her gaze and act as if nothing is off.
"I've made dinner." She says, smiling. "Come down and eat." I don't find any energy in me to compliment her effort and show of responsibility. Suspicion has drowned all my motherly pride. I'm wondering why she didn't have any questions or look curious. Could she have seen it and knows what it is already? I wonder. I contemplate asking her about it but push it away.
We head down and I force myself to eat. "We need a house help mom." Lynn says, pulling me out of my head. "I have to get my nails done everyday at this rate." She continues whining. "Yes dear. We will." I reply, not able to focus on her with the tornadoe brewing in my head.
I drag myself back upstairs after dinner and put away the cylinder. I curl into bed and a headache strikes. The fever rises and I squeeze my eyes shut, hoping to shut the pain out as well. Images of the girl from the masquerade ball flood into my head. Pictures from the ball and some were of her as a little girl again. I do not know her from somewhere but why are images of her young self coming to me now.
I curl into a ball and stay like that for a long while trying to fight off this strange feeling creeping up my spine. When I come to, I reach for my phone.
"Kev, hie." I speak into the mouthpiece. "Kirst, are you ok?" He asks, his voice laced with sleep. "I am. I just wanted to check with the favor I asked. How far are you." I ask, hoping for some good news. "I have tried my best." He replies. "I hope what I am hoping for will come through." " Thank you. I will be waiting." I say,and hang up.
I force down sleeping pills and surrender myself to a night of unbearable nightmares.
It's almost Christmas and I don't feel like making any plans. If it were last year or the year before that I would be going crazy spending money on lavish Christmas antiques. I would be going on shopping sprees and chasing after the trends. I would be planning a party big enough to stir jealousy and competion in the elite society members.
This year I don't have the energy to even decorate my house let alone throw a party.
"Mom, can we go out to the parlor. I could use a massage." Lynn whines, plopping herself on the bed beside me. It is our usual festive season routine. Me splashing money on my girl and her flaunting it and drowning in the attention and envy from her peers.
"You can go ahead without me cream pie." I say, forcing a smile. The past weeks have been tough for me. The nightmares have been persistent and the fever won't receed. People probably won't be able to recognize me from my ghostly pale skin and chirped lips. With the hell I'm going through, I cannot be bothered to think about skin care.
Worry stains my beautiful baby's features, my heart breaks at the sight, but it can't be helped. "Mom." She says, reaching for my hand, her eyes tearing up. "Are– you– ok." She sobs out. I reach for her cheek and pat it. "Cream pie, I don't want you crying for this old girl. I will be ok." I say, trying to sound reassuring. "Take my credit card and shop until you drop." I say, hoping the mention of money will do it. A smile peels through and her face lights up.
"Yes. Yes I will." She replies. My heart knots in my chest. What did I raise my sister's child to become. In my hope that she will stop worrying about me, part of me was also hoping that she would resist the bucks and stay by my side. I blame it all on myself, this is the product of my spoiling.
"I'll go down and get ready." She says, scrambling off the bed and heading for the door.
Tears involuntarily stream down my cheeks, leaving an itch in their wake, a sign of how dehydrated I am. I guess they are going to my failure as a mother. To the girl I have watched grow up, ignoring her imperfections and the one whose flaws I never got to see.
I force myself to drown in my despair and drift to sleep. After what seems like an eternity, I hear indistinct chatter and a click of heels downstairs, it's probably Lynn heading out, I wonder who she is talking to though. I contemplate going down to check but decide against it. I thought she would go another day, but she probably could not wait to leave this house's depressing atmosphere.
I have already failed anyway, plus she is old enough to take care of herself. I drift back to sleep with that dreadful thought.