The rest of the day passes with no real conversation between Bethany and I as I stick to my room and she does whatever it is she does when she's not on a date, with friends or destroying my life. Abigail arrives back home on Sunday and once unpacked and showered immediately comes to visit with me and goes into detail on how much fun she had. Nature science being her thing but we talk and I go over the basics of what happened with Beth's weekend sleepover. We're talking for about an hour when Mark comes in and takes a seat in my big chair with me on my computer and Abby on my bed and he tells us about his party not actually being a party. He was spending the weekend with a girl he met and decided on no parties. We joke with him about actually having a relationship with someone for more than a couple hours and he takes it well when I realize that I have had only one relationship and it was one way, Jenna's way. All three of us are talking when Bethany pokes her head in and both Abby and Mark give her a pair of 'what the hell are you doing here' looks. I feel like I'm having a morality check as to what I could or should say.
"So Beth decided to get me involved with the slumber party fun and games," I say it and Abby is firing lasers from her eyes through her twin.
"Really, what did they do," Abigail asks and I smirk a little.
"Truth or dare and I had to sit through a shitty movie. I was on the couch and had a row of cheerleaders laying in front of me. Other than that it was pretty relaxed aside from her telling them not to have sex with me cause I'm emotionally vulnerable," I get the last part out and Mark decides to add his two cents.
"You cock blocked him," he says and Beth is quick to defend herself.
"No I just don't want him getting hurt and besides most of the girls were in relationships anyway," she says, clarifying her statement.
"Maybe you should have sent a girl to Guy, might make up for a couple months of bullshit you pulled," Abby says hotly to Beth.
"Or maybe she respected me enough to not make me feel pathetic," I say it and all three are staring," I mean my popular step sister has to convince her friends to sleep with me. It's a sad kind of porn plot, no thanks to that one."
"Yeah but even with it being sad porn you'd still be getting some," Mark says and I shrug.
"Guy can get a girl on his own, next one will be a girl that is worth having and not a bitch like Jenna," Beth says and I nod in minor agreement.
We're talking; all four of us are talking and being friendly in my room. I would have cut off my fingers for this three years ago, but now I smile but watch everyone carefully. Abby and Mark are talking and smiling but not watching me. Beth is nervous mostly because of our history and the fact that she went from princess to bitch in a matter of hours once I was in the hospital.
Sleep and wakeup for Monday morning has me missing my morning run. I didn't set an alarm and I slept through my normal wake up time but staggered down stairs at a reasonable hour to see Mom with a plate of breakfast waiting for me and a big smile on her face now that I'm up. We talked about the new nothing, her trip and my weekend with the cheer squad. I go over the basics leaving out more than a few details. Mostly what she hears makes her happy and that is good enough for me for now. I can tell she is going over something big when the word 'Christmas' is uttered. Gift shopping. Something I haven't really done in a while and even when we were opening gifts I was usually in the corner and barely noticed as Bethany would take up the attention of everyone in the room.
"When are you going to do your shopping honey," Mom asks sitting with me at the dining bar in the kitchen.
"I don't know, probably just do some online shopping for a few things," I remark not having a single freaking clue as to what to get everyone.
All previous Christmases I've just given gift cards and kept to myself but now it seems like people are expecting me to play the part of a loving son. I will admit that I do feel closer to Mom over the past couple weeks but everything is still off. I honestly think I'm the problem, well not consciously the problem. More like everything that has happened to me gave me a problem when it comes to feeling things.
"Guy, are you feeling alright," Mom asks and I snap out of my deep thought.
"Yeah just thinking," I reply, trying to recover.
"You had a really lost look on your face, like something was wrong baby," Mom says and I nod.
"I am very wrong," I admit it for the first time," I think I'm too broken."
"How do you mean," Mom asks, turning to face me on her stool.
"Everyone is trying really hard and I don't understand why, you all want me here but it doesn't make sense? Adding to that I don't feel anything, at least not like I think I'm supposed to," I explain trying to talk it out.
"We want you because we're family and yes we feel guilty but almost losing you opened our eyes as to what we were missing," Mom says and I shake my head.
"But that doesn't make sense though. I could have never been here and the five of you would have been quiet and happy without me. I've sat and watched all of you for three years and it would have been fine with me gone," I explain and she sheds a tear at my words.
"We might have been but we weren't a five person family, we're a six person family and we… I got so caught up in being a 'great Mom' that I didn't think about who is most important to me in the world, You," Mom says it but I don't know.
"See that right there, I should be happy you said I'm the most important person to you in the world and I feel nothing. It's like I died and my body hasn't figured it out yet," I explain, trying hard to get the right words out," I can feel some things at times but it's only when it gets really intense."
"Like a fight," Mom asks, trying to help.
"Like anything just almost overwhelming, and when it gets overwhelming I panic," I keep explaining as mom listens.
"Panic like you want to run and hide," Mom asks concerned.
"Like I don't know what to do, the only thing I've ever done is run or wait for the beating to stop," I tell her and almost rest my head on my plate of breakfast.
"I know you feel things more than you think honey," Mom says and I look at her confused," It's true, when your sister brought you down to me after Jenna's break up and you rested in my lap. You felt that then, it was love and it was good enough you passed out."
"I was pretty much out then anyway," I state but she's right about it.
"Maybe but you relaxed and we did it again later, then there was Mark and Abby. You've been hanging out with Mark at the gym and Abby has been invading your space more than a little bit to make up for lost time," Mom states her facts and I agree, somewhat.
"Yeah but for how much longer, every time things get good for me it gets worse," I state my life fact to Mom and she puts her arm around me.
"Honey I will be there to help, we all will. Things are going to get better, I promise," Mom says and I want to believe her.
It would be nice if things stayed this good, or at least got good for long enough so that I don't see everything as a letdown. Mr. Delauter is at work today and the rest of the family is set on decorating the house with Christmas stuff and as much as I was able to avoid it in the past I'm being asked to help with everything. It takes half the day but between the five of us we get the inside of the house done up with minor decorations except for the TV room which looks like something out of a catalog for Christmas minus the presents. Mr. Delauter makes it home early, four is early for him, and has a smile on his face when he sees the decorations up for the holiday. I'll admit it looks nice but I don't usually associate this holiday as a happy one historically for me and as everyone begins to have conversations about happier things I quietly duck out and head back to my room.
The family settles into their routine of getting ready for the holidays and I do my online shopping so I can have everything delivered and not have to inconvenience anyone by being driven into town. I think a couple of them wouldn't mind me asking but I just feel out of place even though everyone is trying to show me that I have one. It's a catch 22 and I'm living it daily. We make it through the first of three weeks' worth of vacation in the manner previously mentioned when I'm checking on deliveries for gifts. I bought some real gifts, not gag ones, but a couple hadn't made it when I discovered they were rerouted despite paying for shipping. They are in town and I can have them if I make it to their stores and provide ID and proof of purchase. My phone call to the company requiring an explanation doesn't go well either, they offer free shipping on my next order, reimbursement on my shipping mishap and I decline. All I want is my package on my door like I paid for but they claim it is out of their hands. I spent ninety minutes dealing with two different companies who are very sorry they aren't able to do what they were paid for but not sorry enough to fix their problem. I don't know how loud I am but I know how angry I am when I exit my room after putting on some outdoor clothing, it is winter, and march down the stairs heading for the door.
"Honey what are you doing," Mom asks, noting my change in daily pattern.
"Out, I need to pick up a few things," I reply, keeping it short.
"How are you getting there," Mom asks, stopping me in the foyer on the way to the door.
"Bus, I have a pass and everything," I keep it quick and I've kept mine updated just in case.
"Honey I can take you," Mom offers to keep me from exiting.
"It's fine Mom, I need to do this on my own," I don't really, I just don't want help.
"Oh is this for Christmas," Mom asks in a whisper.
"Ugh, yes it's for Christmas and I'm going to miss my bus," I am straining to get out the door.
"Mark. Can you take Guy into town, he needs to pick up some Christmas gifts," Mom calls to Mark who is in the TV room.
"Yeah, just let me get some shoes on," Mark answers back before heading to his room.
"I don't need a ride Mom, I'll be fine," I tell her and attempt to leave.
"Guy just waits for Mark, it'll be faster if he takes you and he can bring you back when you are done," Mom says before leaning," He needs to do some real shopping. I've heard him talk about gift ideas for me, help him please."