I put my hand on the wall for balance as someone takes my other hand and puts themselves under my shoulder and helps me into Mom's office. I sit and shake a little calming down and get a good look at my savior. She's attractive, a big girl too, but she has a soft face and long brown hair. She's wearing an old olive green button up military shirt and baggy jeans. She hands me a cup of water and I take a sip from the little paper cup.
"Lisa is a bit protective of your Mom," the girl tells me and I nod," You looked like you were going to pass out or something."
"I just… I get these panic attacks and I have to stop and slow down or it feels like my heart is going to burst out of my chest," I tell the girl who sits down next to me in the opposite chair.
"I'm Jackie by the way," she gives me her name.
"So Mom saved all of you," I ask and she nods," wish she could have saved me."
"We heard a little about that, she was ready to quit back in October. A lot of us were scared because when she's gone they bring in the state and they like to kick us out on the streets," Jackie informs me and I shrug.
"I am still thinking about leaving and not coming back," I tell her and she gives me an odd look," it's weird with her trying and finding out when she could have been taking care of me if she was here or with my step sister."
"Yeah but she's your Mom, you can't just walk away like she doesn't matter," she tells me and I shake my head.
"You have no idea how close I've been to doing just that. I even have money saved up for the move and new place," I let her know a little bit about my plan, it does seem a little cruel but it's my option out when I need it.
"I think you need to be a little easier on her, as bad as you think it was it doesn't hold a candle to my Dad and brother," she informs me and I wait," they're in jail, won't be out for another decade at least and even if they do get out I'm never letting them do what they did to me again."
"Jackie you don't need to tell my son about what happened to you," Mom says finally coming into the office.
"Sorry ma'am but you're a good person and he should understand that," Jackie says, turning to face Mom.
"Good person maybe, but I was a lousy Mom. If he left tomorrow it would hurt me but it'd be my fault," Mom says sitting down and I feel like they know each other better than I know Mom," But he's giving me a chance and I'm doing my best to make up for my mistakes."
Jackie nods and leaves before giving me a little wink, why did she wink at me? Mom finishes a file and takes her purse as we leave the shelter for home. It's a quiet drive for the first half of it when Mom wants to talk.
"So did you get all your shopping done," Mom asks curiously.
"Yeah, even the delivery that didn't come to the house like it was supposed to," I reply a little bitterly about paying for shitty shipping.
"Well things happen," Mom says and I grumble.
"To me, a lot," I get it out and Mom sighs loudly.
"I know, I should have known but I was too busy feeling sorry for myself," Mom says and I'm confused a little.
"About what, divorcing Dad? Dragging me through three states like luggage," I ask, keeping my tone neutral.
"There are things before you can remember that happened that I've been ashamed of, things that drove me into the hole that we were living in after the divorce. I can't talk about it with you son, it hurts too much," Mom is trying to explain something and attempting to hold out from crying.
I sit quietly as Mom pulls the car over and we sit in silence as Mom just stares out the windshield of the car quietly staring at the world outside. I don't know what to do here; there is something people should do in situations like this but for the life of me I don't know what to do.
"I have never been a good mother to you but I am trying, desperately trying to be there for you," Mom says and I finally address her," I just want to put you and me together again and more and more everyone is looking at me like I'm postponing you leaving me behind and never looking back."
"And I should, you never looked back for me. I was following you around for nine years and not once did you look over your shoulder and see how hurt I was. You just kept moving forward. I was dragged along for the ride so yeah, I should leave and never look back," I tell Mom and she tears up at my words," But I'm not going to."
"What," Mom can only reply with a single word.
"I can't bring myself to hurt people Mom, yeah I get angry and speak the truth but it's not about hurting anyone. It's about making them understand why when they say things that contradict everything they've ever done I don't believe them. I love you Mom but I'm not well, I'm broken," I tell her, feeling painfully honest about myself.
"I'm gonna help fix you, as best I can," Mom says, putting her arm around my neck.
Good luck to her on that because I don't even know what is wrong with me most days. I know I want things but they seem impossible to get. I wonder if I'm dreaming too big and should downsize or something. Hell everyone is still talking about me going to college… to do what? I have no freaking clue what I'm going to do in college let alone what I'm going to do after college.
Mom during my tirade of thoughts restarts the car and brings us home with about an hour to spare before the Christmas party. Like other events in past years I've been hidden in my room and like current events I'm now expected to make an appearance and socialize. We arrive back home and I change into 'nice Christmas clothes' which basically consists of slacks and an ugly Christmas sweater. I didn't own one before but now I'm wearing one as guests arrive. It's a quiet affair in comparison to Halloween with only a couple families that Mom and Mr. Delauter know from work and charity with a few friends of Mark and Beth hanging around. Abigail is quietly enjoying her conversations with random people and I'm discovering that chairs need me to sit on them to feel useful. We get an hour or so in when a minor problem occurs and I see Abby and Mark dealing with something at the front door and when Abby is upset I take notice. I make my way through the foyer to the door and freeze as Marta is standing there with a small stack of presents and a frustrated look on her face.
"I'm sorry Marta but you weren't invited, it's nothing personal but…," Abby tells her friend who is, as I said, frustrated.
"Why? We've been friends since freshman year and now I'm not allowed to come over," Marta asks a little angry.
"We're having a party Marta, I'm sorry but I can't have company," Abigail replies, trying to be civil but firm in her rejection.
"Mark, can you take her presents and put them with the rest while I talk to Abigail please? Marta waits here," I say to all assembled before turning away from the front door.
I head into the currently empty dining room and tell mom to add one more plate to the dinner pile as Abby follows me. She's concerned but I'm not sure if it's about me or who knows what.
"I thought everyone was able to invite a couple friends," I ask Abby who looks a little sheepish," Why didn't you invite Marta?"
"Because Marta always came with Romeo and he's part of the problem, him and that fucking gang," Abby is more than a little upset as she describes Marta's boyfriend.
"Okay but why didn't you just invite her," I ask and she shrugs unhappily.
"Because she's related to Carlos who's a thug and a bully and he's been picking on you for three years," Abby states and it does make a little sense.
"Okay well she's here now, do you want her to stay," I ask and Abby shrugs but I know she wants her friend here.
I lead Abby back to the Foyer where Marta is waiting. Both have an awkward look on their faces, yay for friends matching.
"Marta, Abby couldn't tell you she didn't want you here because your boyfriend is part of your brother's group," I explain and Marta groans.
"I know that's why he's with his family and I'm here," Marta says and I turn to Abby.
"See, no problem," I'm trying to make peace and be friendly," Now please take your friend somewhere and socialize or something. I'm the only one without friends here tonight."