I think I'm in love. Okay I hope it's love but I will say for a damn fact there is a connection between Jenna and me. Not something as petty as likes and dislikes, we just get each other. The first two weeks of November we have been dating and people found out really quickly that I not only existed but was the nice guy, no name pun intended. I make Jenna feel like a queen and she makes me feel like the happiest man alive. We eat lunch together every day, we go out to dinner at least twice a week and I've been to the studio where she does her modeling for her future career. I have been dressing nicer for her too. She's always wearing some of the nicest clothes, attractive but mature so I'm wearing dress shirts and slacks. I even had mom take me in and style my hair. Now I look like a man who should be next to Jenna and people notice. I'm spoken to a little differently and asked constantly how we are doing; I don't see why they ask me when Jenna is just as approachable as I am. Life is good here and we're happy. I've only stolen a few kisses from her though but I blame Brandon for that. After he broke up with her and decided to screw around with women she's keeping herself guarded till it's right, I'm hoping for soon but no pressure. Most of the time we spend it working out her options and career after high school and at her prompting I am doing online college classes through the high school so we'll have more time to work things out between us.
It is at the end of the second week that the family has another counseling session with Dr. Hill, only it's a lot different than I expected since we're doing two sessions both involving me and another member of the family. We're supposed to talk to each other about how we're feeling and this first one is Beth and I. We're both sitting on the same couch but at opposite ends as Dr. Hill decides to start in with the questions.
"So Guy, what were your first thoughts of Bethany," Dr. Hill asks me and I think for a second.
"I thought she looked nice and she seemed happy," I answered honestly.
"And when the incident occurred where she got Mark to attack you, what were your thoughts towards her then," Dr. Hill continues with me ignoring Beth.
"I didn't know what to think. I thought we were supposed to be a family but I was wrong," I recall and wonder if the doctor is going to ask Beth anything.
"After the attack you isolated yourself from the rest of the family, did it ever occur to you to get any revenge," Dr. Hill asks and I shake my head no," Do you have any idea as to why you didn't want to hurt her?"
"I don't know," I remark, not liking the questions.
"Was it because of her brother," she asks and I shake my head no," There must have been a reason?"
"I don't have one. She did what she wanted and I just backed off," I am getting mad and I don't like the questions.
"Do you hate Bethany," Dr. Hill asks and I roll my eyes, more questions for me," Guy please take this seriously, do you hate your sister Beth?"
"What does it matter, she fucking despises me," I get the words out and that's when Beth decides to add her two cents.
"I never said that," Beth states and I turn my attention to her.
"You didn't need to; everything you have ever done has come from your absolute hate for me. You had your brother attack me; you had people make fun of me at school and had yourself a good ole laugh at my expense and pain. Trust me I know exactly what you think of me," I finished turning back to the doctor.
"Guy the question does matter and we'll address Beth in a little while," Dr. Hill says and I settle in for the inquisition.
Half an hour later I've explained how she hates my very existence, Beth not the doctor but I'm beginning to think the doctor isn't a fan of me either. I've given details from my point of view as to things she's done and said about me to others while the doctor takes her notes. It feels like forever since we started and finally Dr. Hill turns her attention to Beth and we both watch as her phone, the doctor's, goes off. She answers and tries to explain she's with a patient before telling the other party she'll be on her way. I've sat through a half an hour of dumping out all my crap to Beth and Doctor Hill and she's leaving. The doctor tells us that she'll schedule us a time to continue and walks out of the sitting room. I watched her leave and now I'm very much done. I get up from the couch leaving Bethany where she is, she can rot for all I care, and head up to my room. Mom tries to stop me on the way but I'm not in the mood to stop and I've done enough talking. I get to my room and message Jenna letting her know I'm done and free if she wants to talk. I get no response and figure she's taking care of something with her modeling and let her be. I must have been sitting for about ten minutes when there is a light knock on my door and before I can tell them to go away Beth steps in and closes the door behind her.
"I guess we don't get to finish our session this week," Beth's only real words and it's a bad joke.
"The sessions are bullshit," I state and she doesn't like my comment, I can tell by her expression.
"Not for me, I learned a lot today," Beth says trying to, and I'm guessing here, actually talk to me.
"Well congratulations, what did you learn that was so special? That I've been an emotional wreck most of my life or that I make the world's greatest whipping boy," I ask her and she frowns at me, the non pouting kind.
"I learned you're a hell of a lot better person than I am. I can't understand how you never hated me and even after I ruined your birthday you just decided to ignore everyone and wait to move on with your life. I could never do that," Beth states, trying to reach me emotionally, a bad idea.
"Because you've never had anyone taken from you, not anyone that matters," I get the words out and Beth's face goes from pleading to anger.
"You think so Guy? Well my birth Mom was taken from me when I was barely out of elementary school and I had to live without anyone till you and Mom came into our home and we all became a family," Beth says and I can tell she's mad, we'll get in line.
"No you lost your mother, what happened to her was an accident. It was a horrible tragic accident and when Mom and I came into this household," I don't think I'll ever call them family at this point," You made it your sole mission in life to take MY Mom from me and make her YOUR Mom. And you did and you smiled and laughed and the whole time you ruled the house, at least as far as us kids were concerned."
"I didn't take her," Beth says and I am out of my chair and two feet from her in a flash.
"Doesn't fucking tell me what you did or didn't do? I was there and I lived it. You sat there and drowned me out of everything. YOUR mother took my father from me, the one person who actually loved me no matter what and when it was all said and done you just walked up and bat your eyes and she stopped being MY mother and started being YOUR mother. So now that we have that piece of history out of the way don't you look at me and try to say you've had anything taken from you because to you everything is replaceable," I'm hot and for once Beth doesn't look so confident.
Hell with confidence she is hurt, I am still unbelievably pissed off as she backs away from me and opening the door rushes out of my room and past Mom who has by the look on her face heard everything I said. Mom could cry if I pushed the right buttons but I don't know if it's mercy or just emotional exhaustion that has me leave my door open and return to my computer chair. Mom takes a minute to herself before coming into my room and takes a seat in her chair she bought.
"I'll always be your Mom Guy," she says and I shrug.
"Yeah, not much I can do about you giving birth to me," I state feeling a little drained.
"I know you have a hard time believing it but I do love you. I've loved you since I first held you and I never stopped," Mom says and I sigh audibly," I saw Dr. Hill leave early, she said something about an emergency?"
"I don't know and I don't care. All she did was ask me questions for a half hour and when I asked to turn it towards Beth for a bit she told me that it would happen later and then she leaves," I recap the session for Mom.
"Well I am sorry about what happened between your father and I, the divorce and the custody fight. I didn't think about what I did till years later," Mom says and I cut her off.
"You knew exactly what you were doing, the one time in my childhood you were fully aware of what was happening. It was also the most sober I remember you being," I state not feeling nice.
"I was sober, the lawyer I hired rode my ass for his paycheck and I hated nagging, even growing up," Mom brings her childhood into the conversation," I just couldn't lose you. You were all I had and I just couldn't go on without you."
"Yeah, you needed me to wake you up for work and make sure the apartment didn't burn down," I may be lashing out but I feel like I deserve to.
"I was scared I'd never be accepted by Abby and Beth, that's why I focused on them for so long. And I didn't ever think I was neglecting you because I married Mark Sr. and made your life better. I always, ALWAYS, thought of you as being stronger than others. You did take care of me and I came to realize that too late and when I should have said or done things with you," Mom says and I shrug.
"Well they'll need you after I'm gone, Beth definitely will when she figures out that the world doesn't revolve around her," I state and Mom grimaces.
"She's not a bad girl, needed to learn what sharing and family was earlier but not a bad girl," Mom says to defend her and I laugh.
"Yeah and that's why I know that in the long run they will always be more important to you than I am. You set out to keep me as a trophy and when the new happier batch of children came along I got dumped. Call it whatever you want but it was easier for you to be a mother to kids who didn't have to clean up vomit before going to school than it was to even try to be a mother to me," I state letting too much of my temper out in my words.
"You were never a trophy, you were always my son and I was never a good mother to you and I wanted to be. I always thought we were doing well and when Mark helped me get sober I only saw better things in our future. I didn't look back at our lives with any sense of what actually happened. I wish I would have 'seen' what I was doing before everything that happened but as Mark Jr. keeps telling me I need to focus on now and do what I can," Mom says determined and ready for the next volley of hate.
"I don't know, I like the makeup gift," I gesture to the super system Mom bought," But honestly it's like I'm making friends with Abby and Mark, Beth is only doing this to make sure you don't hate her and you have guilt."
"I have guilt but I love you, you are my son and I will love you till I die," Mom says and I don't hesitate.
"Or I die," the words come out and she gives me an upset look," I don't want to but someone tried once already, nicked my guts with a knife and left me to bleed out."
"I still don't understand what you were doing so far away from home that day. I know you don't want to talk about it and even the police can't figure out what you were doing out there but I just want to know my son," Mom doesn't say again, I find that telling," I want us to be a family. A real family."
"Maybe you should have been paying attention back when you sobered up, I was there but I wasn't ever a part and all the therapy in the world isn't making them," I point out the door to the rest of the house," feel like a family. I don't feel like a family when I'm with you."
"Do you want to feel like family with us? With me," Mom asks and I have to think.
"I don't know, I did years ago. I wanted it a lot and I prayed that everything that happened was one bad dream. Then I'd wake up and go to school by myself, I'd come home and be drowned out by your children and at the end of the day I felt alone. I still feel alone when I'm here," I try to explain without being hurtful.
"We could find your Father, I know Neal would come see you if he knew where you were," Mom says and I shake my head.
"If he wanted me he would have found me and he would have done it years ago. I tried to find him and the courts said he wasn't in the country so they couldn't contact him for any sort of visitation," I explain my original plan to Mom who takes in the knowledge of my attempt to leave her once before," I hoped he would fight for me or at least be waiting but he didn't and isn't."
"Guy I am so sorry I did this to you but," Mom pauses and I don't know how much more sorry I can take," I would do anything to show you how much I love you, I know you don't feel it and after so long I can only blame myself. Do you think there is anything left for us?"
I don't know, I would like to give her a straight answer and either give her hope or some measure of resolution to this situation but honestly I don't know. I shrug my shoulders and sigh as an answer which amazingly is interpreted as an answer. After Mom steps out of the room I check to see if Jenna responded back to my message, no luck but she's probably busy.