Firelight flickered against a stone wall. I smelled smoke, animals and meaty soup.
A hand lifted my head and brought a bowl to my mouth. I tasted salt. Rich broth. Pepper. It was simple and satisfying.
The hand stroked my hair when I was laid back down. There were only a handful of people who had ever stroked my head like this before. I struggled and failed to remember those names. Whoever they were, I knew that in this harsh world, there were very few good people. This person must be one of them.
Voices. I heard voices speak.
A computer search engine jolted my head so hard that it hurt. I held my head, groaning.
*"Uki-chan,"* the computer smelled like egg yolk and bean paste pastries. *"Wake up."*
It was hot and cold and I felt uncomfortable. Why was there a computer in my head again? It had stopped working for a long time. I thought it had disappeared, but here it was back. I wasn't happy to hear it. It had broken through a good sleep. I just wanted to go back to sleep.
*"Uki-chan, you have a fever, wound infections and you hit your head again somewhere. You're lucky my friend found you and contacted me. But you're in a bad state. You can't fall asleep now. If you fall into a coma, I might not be able to wake you up again. You might die."*
Whatever. I just wanted to sleep.
*"Uki-chan! No sleeping!"*
I cried at that. What was wrong with sleeping? Who was I hurting by sleeping? Nobody anywhere wanted or needed me anyway.
"Why's she crying?" dirty coffee and citrus grounds asked.
"She feels sick and wants to sleep," said the computer man who was also a pastry. Why was this so confusing? Who were they again? I should know them. Why didn't I know them? "She feels like nobody wants or cares about her. She gave up on herself and threw herself away because she doesn't like herself, and now she has to come back to terms with reality."
Someone had been reading my thoughts? Had I been thinking them loudly? It was too tiring to think and I felt too hot. Or was it cold? I was cold right? That's why I kept shivering?
"Give her the injection," said a new growly voice. I didn't recognise it but I recognised the smell of the person who had been taking care of me recently.
"This may sting, Uki-chan."
There was a sharp sting indeed. It made me flinch.
People were always hurting me. Bad things were always happening to me. If this was life, I should just ignore that voice and escape it all…
*"KIM NA!"*
I bolted upright in bed, holding my head in pain. He hadn't needed to shout so loud. It hurt. That hurt so much.
Blood dripped out of my nose in a dribble stream and I caught it in my cupped hand, wondering why it looked so gem like in the firelight.
A cloth quickly wiped my hand and then was pressed against my nose while I sagged against the person who had sat down behind me and was now propping me up.
"I want you," said the coffee and citrus person while I stared around the small, crowded cave with confusion. "I love you. I need you. I'm sorry. I keep failing you. It's my fault."
The voice I remembered as being as cold as a robot sounded warm. Why was that? The coffee and citrus man was a cold robot? Or was the robot a coffee barista? Hmm. Yes. That must be it. That made much more sense.
The pastry computer chuckled.
"What? What are you laughing at?" the coffee barista robot asked, sounding miffed.
"Her. Uki-chan is evaluating and re-evaluating us in trying to remember who we are. She's just connected what defines you to her now with her memory of you and you've turned into a coffee barista robot."
"What?"
"I've become a pastry computer. It's amusing," the pastry computer ran his hand through his hair. "Uki-chan, you need to stay alive, ok? When you're feeling better, we're taking you home."
"What does she think of me?" the growly voice of bone soup man asked. He carried the scent of a peaceful hearth with a burning fire. He'd been nice. I should thank him for me.
Seriously. What kind of sentence was that? Thank him for me? What kind of dream was I in that I couldn't even think straight? Was I ever going to wake up?
"She likes you. Thinks you're a peaceful, fire loving bone soup man," the pastry computer shrugged.
That wasn't - wasn't right. I hadn't said that. Hadn't said that at alllll…
*"Uki-chan, don't go to sleep yet."*
The voice was gentler this time. I was glad it was gentler. If he'd shouted again, I might have cried. As it was, I wanted to cry. No. I was already crying. So should I stop crying? What was wrong? Why couldn't I sleep yet?
"Don't cry, Kim," Big Brother's fingers wiped my tears. "Don't cry. We've got you now. You're safe now."
Big Brother. That's right.
The memories felt rusty, dusty and ancient.
This was my big brother. That's what he'd said when I had first met him.
"Kim Na, I'm Big Brother," he had said. "From now on, I'm your big brother. I'll look after you and teach you. Welcome to the team."
What a big brother. I complained about him in my mind. He'd not stopped the others from bullying me. On occasion, he had made it worse. He had hidden all the bad things from Mr Holt and hadn't let me report it. Big Brother wasn't nice. He wasn't good. He wasn't trustworthy in anything but in getting the job done. Although he used to make my heart race, he was my big brother, after all. Even big brothers weren't perfect. They weren't infallible.
Just look at my greedy, worn down older cousin brother who had lived with my family for two years last time. He had never been a good role model. He used to steal my food, my clothes and anything that was of value that could be sold. He'd even almost sold me once.
What had I expected? I should have known that big brothers couldn't be trusted, although I had never met this one anywhere outside the Organisation before. I hadn't known that I had a big brother like him before I became a City Agent. In the end, he had turned out to be a disappointment too.
I knew he meant for the best, but the best was someone else's best and had always come at my expense.
I sighed.
"She's crying harder now. Why's she crying so hard?" Big Brother asked Shigure.
That's right. Computers and egg yolk and bean pastries. Seriously. Where had the computer idea even come from? He looked sick. And tired. He was so fragile. What was he doing here? What if he got hurt again? Who would look after him? I was already sick. If he was too, we'd be stuck.
Although Shigure was the best man I knew, I really worried for his health. I'd rather he'd stay safe at home. At the same time, I was glad he'd come and found me. Yet I was also angry with him. Why hadn't he just left me alone? I could have died and then everything would be over. Finished. No more pain. No more suffering.
Last time he'd said he'd keep me safe and find me, but he'd failed. I'd almost drowned. I'd turned into an imbecile for a while. Had I almost died? Did my brain get hurt again?
I knew it. Nobody was reliable.
With nobody I could trust or rely on and a world that was out to kill me in any way possible, what was the point of living?
"She's remembering us and putting things together. In the end, she's found us and herself a disappointment," came Shigure's sigh. "She's making bad conclusions from what she's seen through her limited experience. Uki-chan, Kim Na, do not block me out of your mind right now. We did not come all this way to find you just to watch you die."
I closed my eyes and ignored him, feeling everything begin to fade away. What did he know? What did he care?
"Kim? Kim?" I faintly felt someone shake my body and cry out in panic.
"Let me," said the growly man who had saved me. His hand on mine sent me a wave of reassurance that everything was going to be alright. He exuded that peaceful calm that I had enjoyed the last few days and that comfort I had from when he had fed me. "Girl, no matter how wounded or in pain you are, everything passes. It's ok. It's ok. Good girl. It's ok."
I remembered another quiet man who had been good to me. He hadn't been a nice man or even a good man, but I had kind of liked him. He had treated me well. He had liked his smelly wolf furs and I had seen him slit his own throat in order to save me.
Tirion Wolf. That's right. That was his name.
He killed himself in the hopes that the crazy man would let me off. The crazy man had attacked me. I had jumped. Leaped over the Blue Gulf. It had been like flying. It was an addictive sensation I might even try again one day.
Then I remembered those weird dreams of sensuality and freaked out. The crazy man had found me. He'd kidnapped me and done… I couldn't - what should I - I couldn't - no. Before the centaurs, I'd been - addicted - crazy - no. I wasn't that kind of person. That wasn't me. It wasn't. It couldn't be. I hadn't. Hadn't. Didn't. No.
No.
Save me.
I ran but had no where to hide. There was no where to go. No where to run. I had to face the reality. It hadn't been a dream. It had been real. Real. Not a dream. There was no escape from this one.
My thoughts fell apart into an incoherent mess and I could barely breathe.
I screamed.
"What's going on? Her temperature is going back up and she's convulsing. We have to get that temperature down.
"Get that basin of water. Wipe her down."
"Her memories are coming back and she's just remembered what Chad did to her and realised that it wasn't a dream. She's having a mental breakdown," Shigure said in a grim voice. I could feel him trying to reach into my mind to help me hold the pieces of myself together but it looked like everything that was me was falling apart. "Kim. Kim, don't give up on yourself like that. Kim, let me help. Don't push. Kim."
I screamed again. A wordless cry of pain and anguish. I was already fading. I knew it. I welcomed it. It would be a relief.