All the confused questions of the others were ignored, because I was throwing up and passing in and out of consciousness. I barely noticed when someone picked me up and ran with me back into the office building. I smelled the plummy whiff and knew I was safe, but felt too sick and in pain to pay attention.
Doctors bustled around me. Machines beeped and whooped. People held my hands and said things I struggled to understand. I felt the defibrillator jolt me, needles poke me and Shigure's silent pleading in the back of my mind.
*"Uki-chan, I can only take in one apprentice under this title in my life. If you don't survive, the Shigure line of Judges ends with me. I've used it for you to help you survive having your name forcibly removed. I didn't think it would completely shatter your sense of self. I'm sorry you had to go through it, but I didn't want you to end up suffering with the rest of your tribe when the judgement I pronounced falls on them. I'm sorry. I know you don't feel very attached to the name but I was in a hurry. I gave you an extra name just in case. I hope that helps? You have to live, ok? Live. If not for yourself, then for the rest of us who can't sleep out of worry for you. I'm being selfish in asking, I know, but you have to live. Don't give up and let them win."*
My left eye burned. My chest felt hollow. My mind spoke in feelings and images. Coherent thoughts refused to form. They were like scattered autumn leaves.
My scalp felt like it was on fire but I couldn't touch it to soothe it.
"What's going on?" someone gasped. "All her hair is falling out. She didn't have much to begin with because of all those scars, but this... Is there anything left? What's wrong with her left eye? It's all hot and swollen."
"She's receiving the Shigure inheritance," Shigure said in a tight voice. "It's already a painful and stressful process without having your main name and identity torn from you without preparation. There have been stories of apprentices who died while receiving the inheritance. I hope she'll pull through. I can only pray that she'll succeed. Her scalp will heal and her hair will grow back. No need to worry."
"And what's the difference between her going back to the tribe to be tortured to death and this happening to her if she dies?" asked Director Worth's sharp voice, sounding pinched and pained. "She was just starting to get better."
"If she dies, it'll be my fault. I'll blame myself," said Shigure's gloomy voice. "I did it on the spur of the moment. I didn't think it through properly. I was too angry at what they said to her."
"The master planner and strategist has his impulsive moments?" asked Director Worth in a lighter voice.
"Of course. I'm not infallible," Shigure snorted softly. "Especially when it comes to the people I care about. I was desperate and lost my head for a second. I've sent word to Homeward. I'm going to need his help in keeping her calm. In fact, I may need the Forest Mother."
"Would she help?" Director Worth asked.
"I don't know," Shigure replied. "I honestly don't know."
"I'll assign a woman to your team. You'll need the help with both missions and taking care of Kim. She knows Kim and so should be willing to help. I can't leave Kim all to you men. It wouldn't be right."
"Thank you, Director. That would help a lot."
"Whisper," said a soft female voice to me. She held my hand and stroked a cheek. "Whisper, look how much you've grown. You're all grown up now. Nothing like the little Whisper in my class who used to follow me like a shadow."
I caught a whiff of the smell of earth before the rain and sun dried linen. Summer apricots, fuzzy on the outside, juicy and sweet on the inside that peeled away from the central stone when the fruit was split open.
There was only one person I knew who had this mix of smells. She had been my family's neighbour in the city when I had just returned to my parents and had been my class teacher in school. She…
The memories clashed with the jagged edges of the giant hole in me. The hole ate at the part of who I had remembered and felt myself to be at that time, leaving a disembodied memory.
Just a kind teacher and neighbour whom I knew was a good person. Somebody whom I had trusted.
But by the time the new upheaval of my guts trying to throw themselves out my body and my head getting cut apart from the inside out had settled, she had gone.
How sad.
And then she was back. Wiping my face and neck with a warm, moist cloth. Combing my fuzzy short hair back. Fluffing my pillows. Giving me a drink through a straw.
"Whisper, call me Apricorn," she said. "That's my name in the Organisation. I'm joining your team and helping to look after you. You know, when I joined the Organisation and they said they'd look after us for life if we were injured in our line of work, I didn't think they'd put so much thought into it like they've done for you."
I made an effort to open my eyes and greet her, but felt too tired and heavy.
"Look, Whisper. There are so many people who care about you now," she said with a smile in her voice. "We aren't giving up on you and you can't give up on yourself either. Ok?"
I managed to give a miniscule nod and she stroked my head.
"Good. Good girl. I'm sure you'll find yourself again and build yourself a new identity. Not one that is fragile like before. Something stronger and more robust."
I gave a tiny nod again.
"Rest. Rest when you need your rest, sleep while you can. Shigure and I are here for you. We'll take care of all the other work and missions"
While I slept, I dreamed of watching a forest grow. Green leaves poked up through the moist ground, unfurling beneath the warm sun. They wriggled and stretched as they grew, reaching up toward the sky. One by one, they grew into sapling and then trees with thickening trunks and stout branches.
I watched birds and beasts slowly migrate in to inhabit the forest. Babies were born. They ate. They played. They grew to bring forth new generations.
The trees watched over the busy creatures like silent guardians.
As I watched, I saw a pattern. A dance to a silent song that all creatures took part in. Where was my part?
The scene shifted from the forest in the mountains, as if I was being passed over to someone else. In the dry desert wilderness where my tribe lived, at the very edge of civilisation, far from the city, I saw myself. I wandered amongst the bushes and waded through the long dry grass.
As I walked and did my own things, I saw how things around me had shifted to include me in the pattern of life and the natural song. I saw my part and heard how I fitted in.
It was like finding the last piece of a jigsaw and slotting it in.
I belonged.
Not as a name or identity that was built by actions or people's thought. Not what I felt or thought of myself. It wasn't an attitude or stance.
My existence was a part of the greater song and natural dance. Everything shifted around me to allow me a part. Who I was was not reliant upon attitudes or expectations. I was just who I was. My own unique and individual existence who had a part along with all of creation. I was not just made up of my experiences.
There was also the original part of me that belonged to nature. To the Land. I belonged to the Land and it belonged to me in intricate harmony. I could ruin the song. I could mess up the dance, but there was still a space for me to raise my voice. There was still the original part of me that belonged to no other person but my own being and existence in the greater scheme of things.
With a deep sigh of relief, I felt the shattered and broken parts of me shiver. Then they rose to find their own place, returning to where they belonged and forming a bigger and stronger core.
I had named myself 'Kim Na' in the hopes it would help me blend into society and build a new life. It hadn't helped much. I had still felt the gap and difference.
Wait.
I had just remembered my former name. I could remember my former names.
It was like the sun was dawning.
My memories of the past and my old name could not be stolen from me. They were a part of who I had been and helped shape who I would be. Although they were no longer the core of my identity, they were still mine. What was mine could not be stolen so simply. Not when my identity was a part of the Land and the Land remembered me and knew me.
I needed a new name that reflected this new beginning and understanding. Something that brought all the meanings together.