'I'm a scumbag'
Montag rested his forehead against the wooden bathroom door and took a deep breath. He just wanted to ruffle the guy's feathers after seeing him get so flustered with his presence but things got out of hand and he ended up upsetting him. Alex looked so innocent and untainted he grew envious of his peace. He didn't know why he was so fixated on him, being honest with himself, Alex's only sin was not knowing how to give advice and consequently pissing him off.
There was nothing else to do, his fucked up happened and he couldn't change it. There was no point in pondering about it. He made his way back to the studio and kept on arranging his stuff. He could feel Andrea's eyes drilling the back of his head. He settled his cables on the carpet and turned around.
"What?"
"Where's my brother? I saw him leave after talking to you. What did you say to him?"
"Nothing. Maybe he left. I haven't known him for long but he seems to be the avoidant type" He resumed his prep.
"You don't get it" she stomped her left foot on the ground "he's been under so much stress with his university application he's been unable to sleep or eat properly. I wanted him to have some sort of distraction and you ruined it. You probably made him uncomfortable"
"Don't be dramatic" he rolled his eyes and sighed "we're not some sort of spectacle you can use to entertain a child. Every time you come here it takes us twice to prepare because you keep distracting Julian and now, we also have to babysit your brother? Give me a break"
"Don't talk to her like that!" Julian's shout interrupted his tirade "We've all been extremely patient with your brooding act and your rudeness because we know you and we understand your situation, but you have to stop being a dick"
"Montag" Derek approached him "There's no leader in this band and Julian can invite whoever he wants to our rehearsals. Having Andrea here is actually a great plan because Julian doesn't have to miss this just to be with her."
"I can't believe this is happening. You're creating an issue out of something trivial. Andrea says I must have been mean to her weirdo brother and everyone just agrees. Maybe-"
"I'm not a weirdo"
'Motherfucker'
Alex's voice, soft and trembling, came from the main door. He was standing rigid, with his fists clenched and his face red from anger. His navy t-shirt was sticking to his sweaty chest and his breathing was labored. He probably ran back after calming down.
"Guys" Debra broke the uncomfortable silence "we're all bitchy, maybe we should reschedule this session"
"No" Andrea picked up her bag and took his brother's hand "we're leaving, we don't want to keep on stalling your practice"
'Don't do it, Montag. Don't say it'
"How can I make this about myself?" Montag's words stopped her on her tracks "Aren't you tired of always trying to be the main character? Your dramatics got us into this useless argument and yet you refuse to stop them"
"I'm done with you!" Julian took Andrea's arm, picked up his bass case and stormed out dragging his fiancé with him.
Derek and Debra stood there flabbergasted. Montag knew why, Julian never lost his cool. This was out of character for him. Montag shrugged mentally. He could do nothing about it, he was not going to win against the woman Julian proposed to and if he was being honest, he didn't really care that much. The band was just a way to drive his mind away from his dark thoughts but he wasn't really that invested.
As meticulously as he unpacked his keyboard, he started to pack it again. He just had to finish and return home. With the rehearsal canceled, he had enough time to ride the subway to work instead of paying for an Uber.
"Bye, guys"
He checked his phone and took his earphones out of his pants' right pocket. Once he crossed the threshold he collided with Alex. He was still breathing fast and he was holding back the tears forming in his eyes.
"Your audacity is out of this world" His voice was low dripping with fury "You know you made me leave after accosting me in the bathroom and you have the gall to act as if you're an innocent victim of my sister's machinations. Fuck you"
"I'd rather you do that," he grinned. A smile that didn't reach his eyes "Move. I need to go to work"
Alex blushed but stood his ground.
"You're gonna have to apologize. I won't see my sister feeling guilty for destroying his fiancé's dreams"
"Drama runs in the family apparently. Must be those Latino genes" He pinched Alex's cheek "Don't worry too much, they can organize auditions for a new keyboardist"
Alex slapped his hand away "I don't know why, but apparently Julian appreciates you, beats me, truly. But is not only the stupid band ending, is your friendship"
"As you say, I have nothing to offer. He'll get it over"
Montag was getting tired of the argument. He pushed Alex to the side and walked out without looking back. The dude was probably squirming and crying on the floor after he touched him. Serves him right for trying to stop him.
The subway station was packed and he walked to his line being careful not to touch anyone, he didn't care about physical touch but he didn't want to give pickpockets the opportunity to rob him. He stood before the yellow line and shuffled his playlist until he found a song good enough to get himself lost into. His gaze drifted to the tracks. It would be so easy to jump, he just needed to time it perfectly. Just an instant of pain and he'd be free.
Sometimes he wished to be a fictional character, to know that his life had a fixed ending, something inevitable. He wanted not to worry about the future with its multitude of choices and its open-ended questions. He'd like to drift through life just being, like a tumbleweed. No disappointments. No hopes. Nothing.
He brushed his fingers through his hair and scoffed. Just a minute alone with his thoughts was enough to bring his mother's side to the surface. The stupid woman couldn't leave him money, she left him Depression.
Alex opened the door to his apartment expecting to find Andrea and Julian but the lights were off and the only sound was the meows and purrs of Nandor. The black cat approached him and rubbed his whole body on his legs. He picked him up and scratched his ears.
"I thought I'd find your momma here" He frowned.
One of the infinite disadvantages of anxiety was the ability of imagining the worst-case scenario, he despised how easily his mind could control him with made up situations despite rationally knowing they were most likely not true. But his sister wasn't answering her phone and he didn't know what else to think.
He lay on his bed, his mind a mile per minute, his teeth destroying his lips. He didn't want to have to call anyone but if Andrea was suffering, he wanted to be there for her. He got up and went to the kitchen, his sister knew him well enough to leave a list of her friends' and acquaintances' numbers pinned to a board. He needed Julian's. His eyes roamed the list and he stopped on a name he'd come to hate.
Montag Welsh.
He didn't know how a single person could wreak so much havoc. Shaking his head to clear his mind he dialed Julian's number and waited. The line rang twice and Julian's voice answered coldly.
"Hello?"
"Julian, is me, Alex. Andrea isn't picking up her phone" he spoke fast and frantic.
"Alex! Don't worry dude, we're at a café, Derek and Debra are also here. We'll wait for you if you want to come"
"No, I'm okay. Tell her I'll fix my dinner and I'll feed Nandor. Have a nice evening"
He felt relief cursing through his veins immediately followed by shame. His worries seemed silly now, of course she was okay, she was an adult, she was with her partner. He blinked his tears away and knocked his head against the wall. He wondered, not for the first time, what would it take for his mind to cool itself.