I never thought I would need to worry about sleep as an adult. You begin to think about all the times you took advantage of sleeping in or going to sleep during your bedtime. I remember when it was time to go to bed, fighting every drop of sleep in me.
As a kid, I could not help but be energetic, thinking about how I would race to my room to lie down in bed. I was getting all warm under the blankets before my parents came in to tell me 'goodnight' and give me a kiss on the forehead. It is crazy to think how long ago it seems, but in reality, it was barely two years ago.
I still remember the smell of my dad's suit jacket and how he always smelled of his manly musk; that was so comforting. He would kiss my forehead twice and smile with his soft face before getting up and being replaced with my mom. She smelled sweet and would wear a perfume that always had strawberry as the strongest note resonating off of her. She would lay with me for a bit, and this would give us the opportunity to talk, and I never enjoyed it.
Dad would always smile and leave before Mom would get even more comfortable, almost squishing me completely. It wasn't that I didn't love being with my mom. I did. Just, sometimes, I wish she wouldn't treat me like a baby. She would pull me close to her warm chest and begin brushing her hands through my hair.
"So, how is school going?" She would always begin with this, and I never knew what she would expect me to say. Um, it's going well, I learn. It was always so weird, but this time was no different, and it should have been.
"Mom, it's always going to be the same. I just learn and see my friends." I sighed and tried to pull away from her grip a bit. I always wanted the opportunity to look her in the eye. To talk with her face to face instead of always feeling like a baby to her. She just held on to me, though, and kissed the top of my head.
"So, there are no boys yet, then?" She chuckled a little at this comment, and I had to roll my eyes.
"Mom, you know not everyone goes to school thinking about boys," I told her before breaking her grip and moving slightly away from her.
"I know, but I think that when it does come to boys, I just help you make the right decisions." She smiled and took my hand. "It always will sound weird because I'm supposed to be your mother, but trust me when I say I'm only looking out for you." She kissed the back of my hand and patted it twice.
"I know, I know," I said, taking my hand from her grip before turning away from her a bit. "Why can't we talk about other things?" I asked. She always takes control of the conversation, and I just wanted one chance.
"Fine, what is it that you want to talk about? Should we go shopping and talk more? What about getting our nails done and talking?" She turned her body towards me and began thinking aloud. "My schedule is a little busy this Thursday, but I can take an early weekend for you. We can play hookey on Friday and talk. What do you think?" Her eyes landed on me, and I knew she wouldn't get it. She didn't understand that I just wanted to talk to her sometimes and not be doing anything else. Why is it like making a doctor's appointment?
"What about right now? Can we just talk?" I looked away and tried lowering my voice a little, but I knew the answer before she could even say it. I started to let my brain begin to play the same thing I heard every night, and as she began speaking, I couldn't help myself.
"I know-" I can't help it.
"Actually, can you just leave? I think I'm just really tired tonight." I interrupted her, and I didn't know just how much the look on her face would haunt me. I didn't know what she was feeling. I didn't know what was going to happen. And I didn't know that I would regret seeing her get up with that fake smile I knew she only made for me. I watched her get up and kiss her hand. I felt that hand touch the top of my head, and I would look into her eyes, which looked at me concerned. I would say nothing as she walked away to the door of the room.
Why did I watch her open the door and walk out? Why did I not call her back and try to talk with her? Why didn't I give her a hug? Why didn't I ask her to stay?
-
I remember when I heard the first noise, and I thought Daddy was working late again. I remember hearing you talk, and I did not know what to think. When I first heard the sounds, I just lay there because I knew you didn't mean to wake me up. I should have waited for you to come and check on me like you always would.
It wasn't unusual for you and Daddy to talk late at night; I know it was part of his job to work when he needed to. I didn't think about how much you two definitely tried to make things normal for me. I knew you would pressure him to spend a couple of minutes with me every night so that I could feel your love. I knew you would spend all day cleaning and making sure everything ran smoothly at home while working on your career.
The only thing that I can remember about that day is how stressed I had been. At school, we had to choose our career path, and I could not pick a path. I knew what I wanted, but how would I have known if it was the right choice? I wanted to ask you how you choose what you want in life. How was I supposed to make such a big choice like that?
The teacher even looked at me like I was pitiful, and I knew you guys would look at me even worse. I could hear all my friends and peers share their dreams and careers with each other, and I couldn't even write down one choice. I should have taken that opportunity, but I let it go to waste. I let that night pass by, and I paid no attention to anything. I didn't wait for you to check in on me. I didn't get up and go to the bathroom randomly. I didn't even open my eyes.
-
The thought of seeing her face leave my room played over and over again in my brain. I could feel the pressure against my arms and the pain that would soon follow. I need to get out, I need to get help, I need to get up. The pain keeps growing intense, and I wince at the thought of what feels like a needle pressing into multiple places in my arms. I move, but it hurts the more I try to break away from the pain. Why won't this stop? Why can't it stop? I just want it to-.
"Stop!" I hear my scream come through my ears, and I open my eyes as I lurch forward unsuccessfully.
"I've got you. I've got you." I watch as my vision settles on a small face, and it's looking down at me with small eyes. "You were dreaming. I got you." His warm hands slide from the middle of my arms to my shoulders.
"Tae, what are you doing?" I could hear my own voice cutting in and out. I slide up from beneath his grasp to sit up and look at his face.
"Well, I heard you mumbling, and I got a little worried." His hands dropped from my shoulders as he moved from over me to the foot of the bed. "My mom brought me some Kimchi and my cake. I wanted to see if you wanted to come over, but then I heard you, so I had to check on you." I could see his look of concern, and I knew he would take it out of proportion.
"Oh, well, thanks." I sat up straighter, pushing my hair back as I tried to examine my environment as normal. I tried to avoid eye contact with him, and I'm sure he felt the same.
"What were you dreaming about anyways?" He asked, brushing off everything as he got up off the bed and began walking out of my room and into the living area. I could hear him sit on the bean bag that was there, and I took my chance to get out of bed.
"Nothing, just a little bug." I lied as I took the hair tie around my wrist and gave myself a little messy bun before walking out of the room myself. I walked past the living room area and went to the bathroom to begin getting ready. I looked at myself in the mirror before grabbing my toothbrush and applying the toothpaste to the bristles.
"Didn't sound like a bug." He muttered, and I peeked out of the bathroom to give him my sinister side eye, but he was not even paying attention to me.
"No one asked you what it sounded like. What is most important is why you are breaking into my apartment?" I applied my toothbrush to my teeth and began brushing as I waited for his answer. He looked back at me, and I got the opportunity to give him an annoyed look at how comfortable he had just made himself. His feet went up in the bean bag, and he began looking around for something before eventually giving up.
"You were the one who gave me the key." He chuckled before finally settling down and just groaning. "I just wanted to make sure you ate." He stood, and I could see him pass by the door and make his way into the kitchen.
"I gave you the key to let my mom in." I tried to push all the froth in my mouth so he could hear me articulate each word, but he looked at me confused. I quickly spat it out and placed my hand on my hip. "The key was for you to let my mom in, not you."
I was half annoyed, and he knew it, cutting his cheeky smile at me before pushing his hair back from his eyes. Honestly, I was comforted in the fact that he was there when I was waking up; it was nice to have someone calm me down for the time being. At the same time, he was getting annoying, always walking around me and pushing my tiny buttons. He had been this way for ten years, and I always thought he would grow out of it and mature. I thought back to when I first handed the key to him and how he was laughing and asking if this meant we could have sleepovers. I could not help but roll my eyes at the thought before washing my mouth out. As I finish trying to wash my face, all I can hear is his clattering of dishes.
"What are you doing?" I yelled at him as I dried my face and started walking towards the noise to see what he was doing.
"I am making you breakfast." He said, placing bowls on both of the mats and motioning for me to have a seat. "You don't have rice; lucky my mom made some fresh this morning!" He smiled before reaching into the bag he had brought in and was lying on my back counter.
"What did your mom pack this time?" I tried to peek, but he scolded me and took the whole bag.
"Wouldn't you like to know?" He stumbled past me before placing it on the floor and pulling things out like a magic show. He pulled out Kimchi, fish, seaweed soup, rice, and finally, bean sprouts. "Like what you see?" He asked as he began to open everything one by one.
"More like, what's the special occasion?" I said, catching the smell of the fish and soup. I took a deep smell, and he laughed at me.
"Special occasion? No special occasion; I actually just wanted some fish. She heard my voice on the phone, and she got all concerned. You know her, always concerned. She just told me that she was bringing me lunch and breakfast." He had taken everything out now and sat down at the table before he placed rice in my bowl.
"Thank you, eomma!" I said cheerfully before tussling his hair. "I'll make sure you get better." I took my utensils and began eating the fish right away. When the touch of the fish landed on my tongue, I could not help but gasp and savor the taste. "Mmmm," I closed my eyes and had to breathe the flavor into my body. His mom's homecooked meals were always comforting and delicious. She had always known how to cook anything; I guess that's why she did have her own little restaurant.
"That good?" He laughed and put the whole fish on my plate, revealing a smaller one underneath. "Here, eat more!" He smiled, and I had planned to. There will never be a time that I won't turn down a meal. I put my utensils down, picking up a spoon to taste some of the soup. It was just as delicious as the fish, and I loved how creamy it was. I couldn't help but squeal with delight.
"So good! Wow! How has she been?" I took another spoonful of the soup, and it was time for me just to eat. I got my utensils ready and began to eat the soup and fish, placing some kimchi on top of it before shoving it in my mouth.
"Much better than your relationship with bean sprouts." He laughed before putting some on top of my next spoonful of food. Ew. I looked up at him, and he just laughed more. "Just eat. She is doing well. You know, she has this casting party or something that is going on. She says that business has been well, but she's been busy." He said, and his head hung low as I could see he was starting to think about his mom.
"Hey, then why don't we help her?" I ask, chewing my food and letting the taste resonate over my tongue. "When is the casting party?"
"Tomorrow, I think? She has so many things, but I'm sure that was tomorrow." He placed his hand on his lip, thinking harder.
"Text me later the details, but now you eat so you can feel better. I can hear your voice cracking, too." I laughed and put some bean sprouts on his plate before pushing the soup close to him. "Don't forget to eat the soup; you need your strength for tomorrow." I smiled and watched him start eating before I continued.
I peeked up and watched him eat slowly, and all I could see was his small eyes dart from one food to another. He was always excited about food, and I could see that 11-year-old kid all over again, rushing to pour more and more food into his mouth. Only now, he was a 21-year-old kid who still swooned more over food, especially sweets. I smiled softly and began to finish my final bites before standing up. I carried my bowl to the sink and grabbed a couple of glasses of water, placing one in front of him as I began to drink the water.
-
I finally grabbed my bag, checking for my notebooks and pens before I let the door shut behind me. It felt like I had already experienced an entire day, but it was barely 8 a.m., and I still had to go to class. I fixed my skirt a final time before heading down the stairs and beginning my long trek. After having Tae over for the morning, it was nice to be able to think freely for myself finally. I opened my bag, lifting the top flap, and pulling my earphones out before placing them in each ear. Taking out my phone, I scroll through my list of books to read and begin playing the one that catches my eye the most.
"The Alaska Interior- April 27th, 1992. Greetings from Fairbanks!" The book Into The Wild began playing, and I couldn't help but stay attentive to every word being read. I listened and walked through the streets, thinking of myself walking to my dreams. One step closer, that's right, you are close, I thought to myself. I think to myself, I should be taking the chance to jump into my dreams. This trek has already been tedious, but I will get to my Alaskan dream before I know it, I'm sure!
"Hey!" I felt something slimy against my leg, and I looked down to see a brown poodle licking my leg. I couldn't help but flinch and look around to see the person attached to the leash and saw this tall guy laughing. I take the earphone from my right ear and take a step back to look at him. "Hey, don't you have better control over your dog?"
"Monggu always gives kisses in the morning." He said, his voice low and subtle. He called the dog over to him and began patting it. "Sorry."
"Yeah, maybe you should be." I huffed and walked past them, placing my earbud back in my ear. I just wanted to get the opportunity to be unbothered today; why can't I enjoy that? I continued my walk, passing by a coffee shop and seeing him and his dog just standing there. Doesn't he know how rude it is not to ask or even warn someone? I gave one more huff before he soon was out of my sight.