He raced from the room with his backpack and the car keys in hand, walking out to the living area. He announced to Felix his return and promptly left. He climbed into the car; she was heavy on his mind, and he knew that she was not doing well. He began his drive, fighting the urge to speed. It felt like forever trying to reach her home, finally getting the chance to get out. He placed the car in park, opening the door to leave, and locking the car right after him. With his back against the car, he pulled his phone out, calling her. He waited for her to answer, thinking that she might be asleep already.
He grabbed the backpack from the back seat, putting it over his shoulder before walking into the gate. He marched to the door, knocking lightly before being greeted. He was rushed into the home and asked to sit. The parents sparked a continuous string of conversations, asking as many questions as he would allow. Although dismissive, he was just waiting for the moment they would call her down.
"What brings you here this late?" Soyeon's father asked modestly. Chan showed his backpack proudly.
"I actually was going to the library to study. Since we ended our tutoring early, I wanted to know if Soyeon could go." The words oozed charm, and he had a way of convincing others. This was his gift, and he knew that.
"Of course! Soyeon!" Her mother called for her to come down the stairs. She pranced down in sweats and a sweater, looking shocked when the two locked eyes. "Grab your things and go study." She encouraged.
"I actually finished." She looked at him, giving him a motion for upstairs. "Here, I can just show you my notes." He moved forward, but her father jumped up.
"Go, go study." He went to the stairs to pull her down. She sighed in defeat.
"I'll get my stuff." She went up; her face was clearly upset. She mumbled to herself. She listened to the family laugh, telling them to do well on their exams.
He smiled as her father shook his hand, nervously anticipating the conversation. When she walked back from the room, she quickly tried to leave. He could tell she was annoyed, thanking them before following behind her. She walked out first, mumbling to herself as she got to the car. He tried to listen, but only small whispers made it to his ears. He quickly ran in front of her to the gate and then to the car door. He waited for her to get inside, closing the door behind her and running to his side. When he got in the car, the first thing that came to mind was to drive, so he did.
"Why are you studying so late?" She looked at him, her face puffy. He questioned whether she had been crying or not. He took her hand, giving her a small smile before kissing her knuckles.
"Well, it's been hard. I thought we could take a break first." He rubbed his thumb over her hand, holding it tightly. She gave a small smile in return, leaning her head against his shoulder. His concern for her grew; he knew there was something she was hiding.
"So where are we going?" She was curious, and he couldn't answer it right now. His thoughts were unsure, and the only thing that came to mind was last year. When he attempted to take her on a date, she was bold. He was not going to let her move first. His thoughts searched, passing by a small playground. He pulled over to the side, parked the car, and ran to her side. He opened the door, taking her hand to help her get out. He held her hand as they walked towards the park, passing by the swings. He let go of her hand, watching her head to the merry-go-round. She sat on top, letting her body rest.
"It kind of feels good to get fresh air." She smiled, taking a big sniff of the night's air. He took a seat next to her, laying his head close enough to see her.
"Yeah, it feels good." He took a sniff, turning to her. "So you really finished studying?" She shook her head.
"No," was all she could say. Her voice had grown soft.
"Did I do something wrong? You can tell me." He waited patiently, his eyes staring at the side of her head. She had not moved, her eyes watering. She did not say anything for what seemed like hours, and this was giving him a bad feeling. "Are we not okay right now?" He had to raise his head up this time. He needed to know her answer.
"I don't know." His eyes blinked in confusion at the answer. What did she mean by that? Were they really not?
"Why? If I messed up, I can fix it. Should I give you space? I can let you have space." He was trying to keep his words from sounding panicky, but there was not much he could do.
"Chan, I don't-" He cut her off.
"Wait, please." His eyes went to the phone he pulled from his pocket. "Here, I'll take you home. We can talk later." He went to walk to the car before hearing a yell from behind.
"I don't know if we should go this far!" The words quickly came from her mouth and forced him to stop in his tracks. He was in complete surprise; how was he supposed to respond? His hand went to his pocket, but this wasn't the moment. His hand stayed over the pocket, thoughts of turning around present.
"You don't mean-" He was stopped.
"I'm tired of being told." He turned to look at her wet face. She stood strongly, and her eyes had formed a frown that he had not seen in a while. "Why can't I feel and do things on my own?" His hand reached for her, but she moved.
"Soyeon," The words fell short, his eyes watching her.
He tried to swallow his pride because this was the time. The time when he needed to tell her it would be okay. This was the time for him to tell her he understood and that he would make things better for her, for them. This was his time to say anything, but the lump in his throat disagreed. The feelings he was fighting were making things hard. He took a step forward, but something compelled him to stay. The look in her eyes was making him lose hope, and that was all he had to hold on to. The hope was that he could fix things and she would be okay. He just wanted her to be okay. Her angry words, her angry voice, she had been fighting this alone, and she was done.
"I-I did not mean it that way." He took a sigh, and his body forced him forward. He took one step, his hand going into his pocket. "I don't mean for you to feel that way, but-"
"Chan!" She yelled, his eyes were glazed over, and he couldn't think. He stayed still, making himself into a statue. This could not be the end, and he was not going to let it. His eyes couldn't help but look at the girl that stood in front of him, his heartbreaking from her gaze. She had never looked at him like this. It was different.
"But I just want you to know-" He tried to continue, his hand sliding from his jacket.
"Let's end things." It came so easily from her mouth. She let the words fall with the tears that streaked along her face. Chan stood with his stunned expression, unsure of what the best answer was. His eyes were still locked on the girl that he had already decided to marry. The girl that he shaped his life around she had given up. He let his hand drop, the box never getting an opportunity to escape.
"Soyeon, you don't mean it, right?" His voice had gone soft, and his heart was breaking, but he would not let his voice. He walked to the girl he had been in love with, taking her hand into his. "You don't really mean it, right?"
There was no answer, and she wasn't sure herself. She was tired of always having to be known as his instead of for all the hard work she had accomplished. Her parents would brag about how he would inherit his father's company and the money he would make. They would complement the grades he would make, bragging that she found a smart and successful man while ignoring her honor roll grades. The conversation with her parents that afternoon had been concerning college, where her dreams had been dismissed. Why would they need to pay for college? Why would she go to college? She had someone who her parents wanted her to marry, and they knew he would take care of her. Everything in life was already handed to her, and she was being selfish for wanting more. The conversation ended with how someone so smart is stupid about the life she was going to be living.
She would walk into her room with heavy frustrations, her mind only focused on proving them wrong. As the words repeated in her mind, she held out the hope that things would change. Her eyes would catch the picture of the two on the beach. She let out a small sigh, picking up the picture in her hands. She had already figured out her feelings for him, but why were there so many circumstances applied when with him? She placed the picture face down, her attention falling back to the computer in front of her. She would log in, opening a browser to check her email. She sighed, and one after another, she read each word attached. Every application was dismissed, her hard work not being acknowledged by her parents or anyone else. She couldn't help the tears that fell as she reread the application she submitted; all of the scholarships that she had applied for were denied.
The stress was becoming unbearable; how was she supposed to continue? How is it that everything can go the way you plan, and you miss out on the happiness that you dream of? But when you decide to chase happiness, all of your dreams fly away. She sat there for a moment, stunned by the idea of not going to college. Maybe it was something she should give up on. Maybe she should just be a wife and call it quits. The thoughts of having friends with the same conversations, her life being judged only based on her husband's success. The thought crossed her mind while the life she dreamed of slowly faded.
The phone call she would receive was not one she anticipated, but she would answer with the hopes of something new. Chan had always been so good at taking her mind away from things when they would talk, and that might have been the only thing she looked forward to. With hesitation, she watched the phone ring. She didn't want to answer; her hand floated over the phone that continued to light up. He had always been the only thing that took her mind away from everything. Thoughts of what their relationship would be like if his family wasn't rich. What if there was no company for him to inherit? The thoughts had played with her as the ringing continued; this time, a notification of a video call flashed. With the last breath she could get, she opened the call with a small smile.
"I didn't wake you, did I?" His careful actions were always concerned about her. Her brain began to yell at him. She hated that the only thing he did wrong was love her. She shook her head; the fraud smile she held hid her feelings.
"How's everything? Felix, okay?" She held out hope that his words would help her feel better; the thought of him being there would make things better. She placed her phone down in hopes that he wouldn't notice her expression.
"Yeah. Hopefully, I helped enough. I'm going to see if he can work with me this summer." He took a pause, and she waited. She remembered the first time they spent their summer together and watching him work. The thoughts subsided, his voice catching her attention. "How's the college essays?"
This was the last thing she wanted from him. She had hopes that he would keep her mind away from that. The words her parents spoke came back to haunt her, but how was she supposed to respond? The exhaustion was starting to set in, and there was no one to take it away now. The whole conversation became offputting, and the only thing that she needed was an escape. She held her tongue, trying to keep the conversation normal. The thought of going to college with Chan was nice, but it was just a dream.
The thoughts that Chan held filled her heart, and he always enjoyed planning. Her heart swayed at his words, and it was these words that made her fall. She smiled to keep hearing him talk; the thoughts of just spending the last year of high school with him sounded nice. The thought of being with him was nice. Her with Chan was nice. She let him end the call, her heart still stirring with mixed emotions. Why couldn't things be simpler? Her eyes were now on the hand that held hers, and she didn't know if she should pull or not. She looked in the face of her first love, his face torn and full of sadness. There was only one thing that she could do, and it wasn't going to be easy for either of them.