Iwamoto no longer goes to work.
Soon after discovering that he is expecting a baby, Iwamoto told his workplace. Although it seemed like they are currently doing a big project, the boss was kind enough to give him a desk job. When I asked if he was okay with the new job, Iwamoto said it was fine, so he could acquire the skills necessary for his future. But then his morning sickness becomes worse that it didn't seem appropriate for him to throw up all the time.
"It's okay, I don't really care. It would have been too much pressure for me, anyway," he says as he laughs while scratching his head, but face screaming that he is on the edge to burst into tears. He breaks out in a cold sweat.
Again, I'm not familiar with carpentry nor construction so I don't know how big this project is and how important it is for Iwamoto.
I approach Iwamoto, take him into the living room, and ask him to tell me in detail about everything; what is going on, why he likes it there, and if it's true that he doesn't mind leaving.
"The new job can improve my skills for the future, but they told me I couldn't anymore and...and I'm sorry, I don't know...I don't know why I keep crying like this! I'm so sorry..."
Iwamoto cries for quite a while. And as he does that, he repeatedly wipes his face roughly, then furiously says that he shouldn't have gotten pregnant, that he hates it too much and can't take it anymore. He is frustrated. With big tears on his cheeks and terrible sobs, like his whole life has really been ruined.
I know it is normal for a pregnant person to act like that, but I feel disgustingly guilty anyway. I want to ask him, "Do you really regret this?" real bad because I can't use magic to turn time so he can back to his work like he used to or to make him feel better. I thought there is only one solution and that, if he doesn't want to continue, we can still do something about it.
But that is not a subject I can discuss with a hormonal man on breakdown. And even if Iwamoto decides to do that, I feel that something important would break between us if I say so first.
Iwamoto had told me many times that he wants to give birth to my child.
That he wants to continue.
That he is very happy...
It's just, sometimes it feels very difficult.
After that, Iwamoto's sleep time becomes considerably longer than before. Probably due to reduced physical fatigue or noticeable fetal growth.
However, one day when I come home from work, I see him sitting at the dining room table with some huge books and old high school notebooks clattered in front of him. I ask what he is studying and why he suddenly starts doing that. Looking a little embarrassed, he tells me that he plans to enter college.
"I guess I should...think about a better future now so I will do my best to study for the national exams while I still have time to do so," he says. "I will definitely be busy once the baby is born but I want to go back to work after maternity leave... It never hurts to have something extra right? It may end up well."
Iwamoto is looking ahead...
I have to do the same.
I want to take paternity leave too so we can take care of the baby together. But our income will be inevitably lesser during that time. I have savings, but it is only because I have never felt the need to use any. It will not be enough. Added when Iwamoto goes to college later, we will definitely fail and collapse like the amateurs we still are.
There are so many things to think about.
Private hospital is expensive but I don't care as long as Iwamoto feels comfortable and the baby can be delivered safely. I would like to buy a car with child seats—something roomier and safer. Eventually, I think we also need to leave this apartment and look for another one that is much, much bigger. In a nice district, possibly near some daycare or school...
I want to accomplish a lot.
I want to make good memories. Both for Iwamoto and for my future baby.
I become blinded by the joy of a new chapter in my life, so I start working hard and a lot harder. Desperately averting my mind from the anxiety that is haunting me.
My body is pushing and keeps pushing. Sacrificing everything for work. Giving up rest for more money. And, while I have a normal job, at home I am also doing all the housework to reduce Iwamoto's burden. I have surgeries in the morning, consultations in the afternoon, do some groceries in the market, come home to cook, and then take care of my husband and all his changes. If everything goes well, then I would go back to the hospital during the evenings and cover shifts.
However, after returning home from work one Friday night, I discover that I have no appetite at all. Did I kill myself too much? But...I can't rest now because I am always worried about Iwamoto.
The next morning, I can't get up. I have a nasty pain in my upper abdomen—something I have never experienced in my entire life. I am feverish, and cramped but afraid to call the emergency department at my workplace. I don't want to upset the hospital staff or cause them to increase their burden because of these rather minor symptoms. But this is very difficult that I have to writhe in pain and ends up troubling Iwamoto.
In the end, he calls the hospital.
Shimabukuro, who is making rounds in the emergency unit, surprises me with a rather worried face.
"What happened, Yuge-sensei, are you okay?"
"I don't know..."
"You're paler than usual!!! Are you dying?!"
His super unusual loud yell finally makes me realize how bad I really am.
Shimabukuro checks on me on the spot—out of pure kindness or, is it because he actually has too much free time now? Who knows.
"I'm taking care of you really gently now. So please take care of me too if I ever get sick, okay? For free, obviously."
Examination reveals severe upper respiratory tract inflammation and a huge gastric ulcer. This is the first time anyone has ever used an endoscope on me because until now, I have never once had any digestive problems.
Is it because of stress?
"Stomach ulcers and more stomach ulcers. Definitely overworked here... What's going on with you lately, idiot doctor?"
"Well, I don't know..."
Perhaps, all the hard work I had done is actually just for my own selfish sake.
Why had I had the belief that I can help my family despite being so weak? Now, for example, why the hell do I have to get sick during the time when Iwamoto needs me the most?
When I get home, Iwamoto, with a worried face and still in his pajama, asks me what happened. The sheets and pillowcases on my bed, which had become damp after absorbing the night sweat from my fever, have been replaced. The air feels fresher too because my dear husband put a humidifier on the bedside desk. He cleans the house too—the floor, the table and even indulged himself in cooking for me.
"I'm sorry..."
"What are you talking about? What's with the sorry? Are you okay?"
"It was just an ulcer. Shimabukuro gave me a prescription already. I also have something like a very bad respiratory infection so it's best if you stay away from me in the meantime. I can infect you and it would be quite troublesome so, yeah...I'm really sorry."
But even in that situation, Iwamoto approaches me and holds my hands, "It's okay, you don't have to say sorry..." he says, gently resting his fingers on my cheek. "Do you want to go to bed now? Or do you want me to get you something to eat first?"
Then, even though I have a surgical mask on now, Iwamoto is closing his face and kisses me just above my nose. My tears feel like they're about to fall.
I say yes.
* * *
I need to get well quickly... I keep chanting.
However, I can't sleep well because of the fever and because, as usual, I'm more worried about my husband than myself.
The door to the room that is supposed to be ours creaks open. It's Iwamoto. I hurriedly put on my mask.
"Hello, Taka-san. Look, I made a fever pad. It's really cold... Haruka told me to put it on your neck and under your armpits too."
"Thank you..."
I am honestly very grateful.
Iwamoto gently dries my sweat off using a clean towel, wash my body with a bowl of water, then put the fever pad he had made on my neck and armpit. He had crushed the ice properly so it doesn't feel hard or uncomfortable. I enjoy this careful touch of his so much...
Somehow, in the middle of all this, my eyes start to trickle with tears. I am crying...
I try to hold back, but I can't. I can't stop even though I know that if I cry more, it surely is going to make Iwamoto worry.
God, how pathetic.
I turn my face away from Iwamoto. Yet, then I can feel his palm gently caressing my back and head. I need to say that he shouldn't be near me now...
"Takashi?"
I turn my face back to Iwamoto. His deep black eyes, long eyelashes, and look full of regret, are quite painful for me.
"It's okay, don't worry... It's just, I think I've had too much for today."
"You've been working too hard because of me, right?"
"It's not your fault..."
"Is the ulcer from stress?"
Everything is too crystal clear fooling him doesn't work anymore.
"Yes."
"Does it really take a lot of money?"
"No... It's just...the problem is I'm pretty greedy."
"Greedy?"
"Yes, in many ways."
I grab Iwamoto's hand, which has now run up to my forehead.
"Before now, I always thought there's no in spending money on silly things. I had never thought of going out with my car and my lover. Going downtown at Christmas, seeing the illuminations, buying clothes, eating at the harbor... I wasn't that kind of a person, I never did those on a whim."
Iwamoto listens quietly.
"But then I met you, Taichi-kun... And suddenly, I wanted it all. I want to do so many things. You made me want to walk hand-in-hand in a glow-in-the-dark park. You made me want to go downtown just to see Christmas illuminations. Dressing you in stylish clothes... Then I want us to live in a nice big house, buy another car for when we go on a date because the other one will be to go with the baby... I want to take a lot of days off so the three of us can spend a lot of time together..."
I notice my trembling seems to have subsided while keep on talking.
"And so, look...in the end, I almost killed myself trying."
Iwamoto laughs, then shakes his head, "You know, I went to a regular public high school, but...I never take that chance to really study. I used to be pretty spoiled so I thought why do I have to do that? I had friends that I hung out with; we met girls, we drank, we had motorcycles, money, we went gambling and got into fights. But then my parents died... And suddenly there I was, being a carpenter, playing mahjong and pachinko on the streets. It wasn't bad, I accepted it. My whole future accepted it. My sister would study like I never did, and...eventually I would marry some woman."
I feel disgusted even though it is just a hypothetical future of a story from the past. I don't like to imagine Iwamoto married someone other than me!
"I never thought that one day I would start bleeding, nor that I would suddenly live with Takashi-san. Saying that I was hungry, that I was in pain, and that it was okay for him to massage my abdomen. I also never imagined that I would become your boyfriend! Much less to get married, and have children. I will have them...in a few months, if everything goes well. I already knew it would be hard, but then I suddenly felt like it was more than I could handle. It felt very heavy." Iwamoto chuckles again but looks very apologetic. "I'm sorry I couldn't control my thoughts or my mood..."
"Oh, don't apologize. I don't blame you for anything. I told you I did what I did because I wanted to..."
"I know..."
"I went a little overboard."
Iwamoto smiles, lightly pokes my cheek with his finger.
"Takashi-san isn't the only one who's completely different. I am too... I am, very happy because I love being married to you." Iwamoto is blushing as he looks away. "But Taka-san, we're better now, right? Despite everything, are we okay? ...I'll do what I can do, I'll support you whatever it takes so..."
Iwamoto pauses while scratching his head again, seems embarrassed by the conversation he turns very red.
"If you ever get sick again, I'm going to be very angry. Like very very angry. So try to take better care of yourself, okay?"
Iwamoto suddenly stands up, still mumbling things I can't make out. Is he done now? Is he going to get out now?
However, I hurriedly grab his clothes and stop him to end up hugging him by the waist.
"I love you," I say.
"Ah, you idiot pervert doctor! Go to sleep, you're sick!"
"I love you," I keep trying.
"Hey hey, where are your hands touching? You're sick, you can't touch me now!"
But Iwamoto ends up laying down on the bed, hugging me as I gently hug him back. Sinking his head into my chest while hands are on my back.
For a moment, I forget the pain in my body...because Iwamoto is perfect. Too perfect for my own good.
Having him with me is the best possible scenario that ever happened in my life.