I want to knock on Iwamoto's door right now and ask if anything happened at work. I will definitely do my best to help him, I will listen to him, so he knows that he has someone to talk to. That he is not alone. But then I think he may only be very tired. First of all, am I really good at helping someone?
I can't stand the urge to want to run to him, but my thoughts are total crap.
The next morning, Iwamoto acts as usual. I watch him get ready for the day, feeling sorry and ashamed remembering what I thought yesterday. He is an adult too. When you have problems, sometimes you don't want others to know. I tell myself that many times and hold myself back. I try to smile, especially because I'm not good at dealing with people and I don't want to get frustrated over silly things.
But then Iwamoto stands in front of me and says, "I'm sorry, but I'm not going to be able to cook today."
"It's okay, are you going to go drinking or something?"
He let out an awkward laugh.
"No, um, just some kind of a counseling talk."
"Huh?"
What counseling?
"I'm sorry, Sensei. I froze some okonomiyaki, so if you don't want to eat outside, you can eat them."
Iwamoto's words fall on deaf ears.
"Who?"
"There's some leftover stir-fry from the other night too... Huh? What?"
"Who are you going to meet?"
I realize I am asking Iwamoto too desperately. I feel bad to ask a question so personal, but I have no intention of retracting the question. I really want to know.
"Oh... It's with the president's wife."
Iwamoto taught me not to get angry easily but to smile. But I'm sure my eyes are dark.
"Why are you going to go talk to the person who fired you?"
"Because she got the job I have now? And she's nice. Regardless of what happened, she's the only one who can understand me. I need to talk to her and I need advice."
And that last sentence kills me. Iwamoto is worried about something and needs someone to talk to.
Iwamoto trusts someone else. Iwamoto doesn't trust me.
That fact hurt me more than I expected.
"I'll be eating with someone for the first time in a long time, so I wonder where we can go? Oh, but I'll be back at 9 o'clock since I have work on Saturday."
Since he started living with me, Iwamoto rarely went out at night. This is too much. I shouldn't feel bad, but here I do.
I shouldn't complain. Iwamoto even politely left me some leftovers. The fact that he also cooks for me almost every day is an exceptional blessing. I like his current company. My 37-year-old brain tells me to smile and wish him good. But my body isn't responding.
Why won't you talk to me? I've been worried about you...why are you going to someone else?
I don't have the guts to say it.
I would do anything for you, Iwamoto. Why trust others? We spend so much time together every day. You told me you could consult everything with me and I was very happy. I am unreliable, but I want you to trust me at least.
If you trust me, I'll...
How awful it will be to say that.
"Oh, yes, I understand. No need to apologize. Go ahead and be careful. I'll take a bath."
I force a smile. Iwamoto smiles at me too.
"Sure, thank you, Sensei."
My chest is heavy.
If I think about it more, nothing strange about Iwamoto not wanting to tell me his problems. I'm not good at socializing. I can't keep up with conversations and am unable to give good advice. Sure, my juniors and friends sometimes used to share their worries with me, but I know the reasons. Because I only have a few friends and am tight-lipped. My life experience, especially in relationships, is terribly low. Even a high schooler would give you better words of encouragement than I would. I have never seriously loved anyone, nor suffered any betrayals or pain. I've been beaten up more times than I can count, but I've never been in a serious fight as far as I can remember. I've never even been in a fistfight. To begin with, I don't like violence. Above all, I am a virgin. Definitely an idiot virgin. No girlfriend or wife or mistress or a dog.
I was mistaken.
It is true that Iwamoto once said that he can depend on his doctor. But that doesn't mean he trusts Takashi Yuge. It means he can only trust the obstetrician and gynecologist who knows his physical condition. When did I get it wrong?
Oh, the hospital. Iwamoto could only trust me because when he arrived at the hospital, Shimabukuro was not present and no one else wanted to handle him. It has always been that way. How come I forgot about it? It has been that way since elementary school. Like when my gym teacher ordered us to form pairs. The kids around me were finding partners one after another. I was left behind. The last other kid looked at me with hesitation. Then, when they realized that no one left except me, that child would look and rush to me with a relieved face.
It is the same as back then.
I am the kind of person you will only choose when other options are nonexistent.
Da*n it.