I dreamed about you many times. Dirty dreams...like you on the pelvic table with your legs open to me..."
"..."
"I realized that only recently. That time when I asked you to share a house with me, I hadn't yet thought about the depth of my feelings. I swear it's true. And that's fine if you don't believe me."
Iwamoto is quiet.
"It's strange, isn't it, even though I'm already this old? I seem to have a lower libido than most people, and I've rarely lusted after men or women. That's why I never knew...but it seems I am gay. It wasn't too long ago that I discovered that I quite like you. If I had known about my se*uality, I would not have thoughtlessly asked you to live with me. It was my fault. I'm truly sorry."
Iwamoto blinks, but doesn't say anything yet. He must be shuddering now thinking that this whole time turns out he's been living with a pervert. He may even be horrified.
"This is the truth. I bet you wished you hadn't asked." I laugh. A bitter laugh to mock myself, of course. "I had a great time living with you, Iwamoto-san. It really was like...heaven."
However, as soon as I said that, my bitter laugh dissipates and is replaced by tears.
"If I could, I would love to live with you for the rest of my life. You are a truly wonderful person. I have never thought that being with someone is so much fun. With you, I can endure even the most painful things. I change a lot because of you too."
You changed the me who can't even make eye contact with people and the me who's being underestimated by everyone.
"I feel like I can't take it anymore. I'm sorry, I couldn't say it right away because I was scared." Now I am staring down at my feet, but my head is full of Iwamoto. Of his smile, his voice, his scent.
I take another deep breath to continue. Those are not my only sins.
"I'm the kind of guy that people rarely depend on. Well, I know people don't want to rely on a scared beanpole like me. So, when you asked for my help, I was overjoyed. My strength comes to me."
I remember Iwamoto's large hand holding onto me tightly. I'm sure I will never be able to forget that.
"I was quite glad that you, who couldn't accept the fact that you were an MFUU, had no one else to confide in but me... But the biggest reason I helped you by sharing a place to live was that I couldn't stand to imagine you living under the same roof with other men from your work."
I say, bracing myself for a beating.
"Your condition worked in my favor. Your misfortune, the streak of bad luck that befell you...made me excited. I took advantage of all that by making you run to me only..."
I speak again, startled by my own embarrassment.
"I know I'm the worst person ever...but I don't want to hate myself anymore than I already do..."
To my surprise, Iwamoto suddenly kneels down in front of me. His touch on my leg makes me lift my face.
"Sensei, that...are you serious?"
Iwamoto's face is in front of mine. His large warm hand settles on my lap. He is squatting, looking at me with the towel still on his head. There is no disgust in his eyes and it makes me wonder why. Why is he touching me? Doesn't he feel uncomfortable?
"Sensei, do you like me?"
I have no idea what is going on, so I nod my head several times.
"Me too..." Iwamoto's hand gripping my knees tighten. He speaks in a very small voice that it pains me.
"Wait, what...?"
"I like you too."
Finally, my brain catches on. I feel furious. What on earth is he talking about? Unlike me, he sure has a solid heterose*ual background. And judging from his aversion to the anal examination months ago, he must be a hard-core heterose*ual. He's a perfect heterose*ual!
"I don't think so. You like women don't you?"
"I do, but if it's you, Sensei..."
Wow, what a problem.
"Did you even listen to me, Iwamoto-san? Didn't you understand how weak and horrible I am as a person?"
But instead, he shouts at me while I keep my eyes down, "No! I understand that. Sensei just wants me to depend on you, you're not a bad person. I don't remember a time when you treated me badly―you protected me instead! If you just wanted to boss me around and run away without actually protecting me, of course, I wouldn't like you, but you didn't. And I swear you've saved me many times already! You still stood up for me in front of your senior and other doctors despite I've hurt you. But you know what? You suck at dealing with yourself! It's not bad to not stand out, or have a thin body. It's not bad to speak your mind either Why are you ashamed of who you are and treat yourself so badly?"
Iwamoto looks at me with angry eyes.
"Still, people's se*ual preferences don't change that easily."
"Sensei, you're an idiot."
"Well, I guess I am."
"You should have talked to me before looking for a da*n house!"
"You'll be horrified in me right away."
"Oh, so that's why you think you have the right to ignore and dismiss my feelings as if the only thing that matters is you?" I've never seen Iwamoto so angry. "So only you who can feel? I just had to accept whatever you decided for me? What's wrong with me suddenly liking someone who treats me nice?"
I can't answer.
"Don't ever think I am an idiot who doesn't know what I want. I am a man too, you know... So what? I'm not the first man who wants another man, am I?"
"Then, why did you say you like me? What makes you think that...or is it just because I'm threatening to leave you?"
Iwamoto suddenly turns red.
"No... You're not the only one who has strange dreams."
"Huh...?"
"That... It wasn't just you who kept thinking about that examination! I ended up in the bathroom too, playing with my butt too many times! Hundreds of times!"
My head goes completely white at the outrageous confession. What did he just say? What is he talking about? His butt? In the bathroom? Does that long statement mean the same as what I am thinking right now? While taking a hot bath... An image where Iwamoto inserting his fingers deep into his ass suddenly come to my mind. Oh my. Iwamoto in my imagination was always calling me in a breathless se*y voice. How will the real one be then?
"But then you bought condoms and I thought, oh, you finally found a girlfriend, huh? I was really frustrated but, since you never brought them here, I...I needed advice so..."
What the fu*k? Could it be that his meeting with his boss's wife that night was to talk about his frustration? He was outside talking about me while here, I was moping to death?!
"So, do you believe me now? You made me say this much, Sensei. I love you. I want to have se* with you too. Don't you want to touch me?"
My mind is in chaos, running here and there. I should have been thinking about something else. I should have been thinking about my past, my weakness, my ugliness. But all of those things are now as vague and shapeless as a haze.
Iwamoto is in front of me. His warm alive body is here. He says he loves me.
That's all that matters.
Yes, I want to.
"I want to touch you."
I've wanted you...for so long.
"I've always wanted to touch you."