I got up to the smell of coffee. I liked waking up to that because it meant I didn't have to do it anymore. I opened one of my eyes and glanced at the clock. I will be at the university on time. I wanted to go in, and I didn't want to go in either. But I don't actually have a choice. The scent of coffee meant that my mother was awake. So she was ready.
She managed to think through everything during the night and prepared to fight. She is a survivor. She expects me to go about my everyday life. If I do not go out soon she will come for me. I put one foot on the carpet as I sighed.
Waking up early must be the invention of the devil. Or not. It's probably laziness that comes from there. Or not. It probably depends on what people are prone to. If someone is an early riser, the devil will tempt them with laziness and if they are lazy, they suffer from insomnia and they wake up early.
I got dressed and went to the kitchen. Ailish was sitting at the table eating breakfast. She didn't look sad. Too much. But there was something in her eyes that I had never seen before. It was knowledge. How easily someone can die. One day you are still here and the next... it's over. Who knows?
I even saw a little fear in the way she looked at Mother or me. She seemed afraid that we would become one with the air if she took her eyes off us. I sighed then I lovingly ruffled her hair.
She had always hated this but now she didn't say anything. She just looked up at me like a sad, little puppy. She was so lost and she wanted some reassurance. I knelt before her.
„Don't worry, Ailish." I whispered because I didn't want Mother to hear. „Mother and I will be with you for a long time." I purposely did not say forever, because that would be a lie. There is no such thing as forever. And I didn't like to lie. I was playing a role but I did not lie. Not really. It was more of a deception. „Don't even think about getting rid of me. Haven't I told you plenty of times that I am God's punishment for you?" She smiled faintly but it wasn't her real smile.
„If it's true, then I don't want a bigger or worse punishment." She was quiet and unusually serious. That's why I did something I rarely do. I quickly kissed her on the cheek. As shock therapy, I guess.
I don't like physical contact with anyone. I am afraid of even the quickest, faintest touch, whether it's through clothes or not. One of the reasons I avoid public transport. Among other reasons.
„I made your coffee." My mother said as I got there. I nodded as a thank you and picked up the mug. I leaned against the sink and enjoyed the peace of the morning. It wouldn't last long anyway.
Mother and Ailish ate their breakfast in silence while I drank my coffee. I didn't eat in the morning. If I did, I would feel nauseous.
„Brush your teeth and we will go." My mother asked my sister. She stood up and obeyed wordlessly. Then Mother turned to me. „I am sorry about yesterday." She began to say. „I shouldn't have acted like that. I should have been stronger and spoken to the police properly."
„Your son is dead." I said but maybe I shouldn't have, because she winced as I'd hit her. „I understand why you reacted that way."
„No...no." She began to argue despite the agony on her face. „A mother must be strong no matter the circumstances. She has to protect her children, even if she just lost one. I am sorry you had to deal with it yesterday. That's all I wanted to tell you. And thank you." I felt awkward. She shouldn't thank me. For a moment I wanted to yell at her. I was the one who made you feel this pain. I! So don't be grateful. Please.
But I didn't say anything. I couldn't do it. I didn't regret killing Seth, but I did feel sorry for them. That I caused my mother suffering and I made Ailish insecure.
„It's okay." Hesitantly, and cautiously I hugged her for only a moment. „It wasn't a problem." It wasn't a big deal. But I can't say that. Under normal circumstances, this would have been very difficult.
She needed comfort but I never knew how to console others. I am not good at these human, communicative things. I just took out the business cards and handed them to her without saying a word. I have already memorized the contact details. You could say it was burned into my mind.
„You are coming for me today, right?" Ailish came back with her backpack. She looked at me with innocent, puppy eyes and I nodded firmly. Then she went out the front door and Mother followed her. I closed my eyes for a moment. It was only morning, but I was already tired.
My relationship with my mother is complicated. Not because of her, but because of me. And it's not about our everyday life or during it. It is on an emotional level. Sometimes I wonder if what I feel for her is love or not. I need her. But is it because she is a certain point in my life, someone who would not betray me, or because I truly love her? I don't know. Maybe neither or both.
If she just disappeared one day how would I feel? Sad? Miserable? Devastated? Nothing? There are times when I think I couldn't live on without her, but when I feel really apathetic I am afraid it wouldn't affect me enough. I am terrified I will not feel anything.
Sometimes I think about what would I do if the devil appeared before me and offered me a deal. Silly thoughts, but who doesn't ponder stupid things from time to time? Anyway, I can't say I wouldn't think about it. It depends on what it would offer and what it would ask in return. I might even sell my soul, it isn't worth much after all. But I would only do it for my family. And if that means I love them then I love them. But I can never be sure.
Ailish, my sister is different. I am more sure of my feelings for her, but I am still uncertain. If someone could tell me exactly what love is, maybe I could tell then. But this... There are so many kinds of love. Something that may be true in one case, may not apply in another. I know that my kind of love – not sure what to call it, so let's go with it – is selfish, because it expects love in return.
I sighed. I ignored my feelings and ran away from them for so long that now I don't know how to deal with them. I am lost in my own soul if I even have one. Even though I want to live and feel now. I don't have to be afraid anymore. Well, the police are there, but they won't find any evidence. Hopefully.
I just want to experience new sensations. I want feelings. Anything. Because I realized what kills you is not pain, but emptiness. The pain is proof that you are alive and not just an empty pile of meat with nothing inside. If you feel nothing it feels like you are nothing. And it hurt in a weird way.
I glanced at the clock. I have to go if I don't want to be late. I grabbed my cello with case and everything and put it in my car. I study at a local university and work in a small cafe in the afternoon. It's not much money but I manage somehow. Maybe one day I will become a famous musician and all my financial problems will disappear. Yeah, sure.
Time to study. I wish it was summer. Then I could work more and have more money. No dreaming! Focus on the road. I sighed, again. That's life. To hope for the best and then fall flat on your face. I grimaced and smiled at the same time if that's even possible.
So many positive thoughts this early morning. Well, yes. No doubt, I am a very cheerful person. But at least I know my personality rather well. At a certain level. I think my motto says it all: Prepare for the worst and hope for the best. It's not like I going to tell anyone else, so no one knows about it. Aren't I full of rainbows and sunshine? Nope.
I took a quick glance at my cello, my fingers itching to hold it. I wanted to play on it. I loved it, but it was a bit scary at times. Pathetic. I am afraid because with music I can get rid of all the things that are impossible to express in words. It's like tearing off little pieces of myself every time I play something. My music feeds off the darkness inside of me. But it never eased, because my pain was constant and the nasty feelings were generated in me all the time. So it was kind of an outlet. If I hadn't been able to clean myself like this maybe I might have gone mad.
But now that my tormentor is dead, the agony will go away, right? I was waiting for it but it was a terrifying thought. What if there is a point where I can't play any more music? Could I play anything without this pain? Who would I be without my music? What would I do?
I remember at first I played because I enjoyed it. But over time that changed. I still like to play, but that is not the only reason. I kind of want to be famous. Or at least successful. I want to be somebody. I want to be a part of this world even after I die. I want people to say about my music that they are mesmerizing and spellbinding. Even after hundreds of years.
I want recognition and I want to feel this life was worth living. It wasn't aimless or wasteful. I want it to be meaningful.
My first music teacher was an incredible person. She never sought fame, she just wanted to share her love of music with everyone. I fear that one day I will forget to love music and it will sound hollow and soulless. You can't make art without loving it. That was her teaching. Playing music worth nothing if the player doesn't love and enjoy it.
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I was annoyed to note that my usual parking space was taken. I have to find another one. Since I have been studying here I always parked in the same place. Which bastard took my spot? I have to be faster tomorrow.
In the end, I found one a little further back. Nice, now I have to walk more than usual. Shannon joined me on the way. She was my friend for a long time.
„How unfair." That was her usual greeting these days. She wasn't really serious about it. She looked at my light blond hair and then at her unruly red. She sighed. „Why do you have such blond hair, when Irish people are stereotypically red? Like me." I just shrugged. I don't care about my hair colour or my appearance.
„I don't understand why you are complaining. Every man on this campus is dying to date you. I can see the hearts in their eyes." It was an entertaining sight.
„Then imagine what it would be like if I were blond." She pondered and I obeyed.
„It would be crap." I responded honestly. „Red is your colour."
„That's why I love you!" I felt that she wanted to hug me, but knowing that I don't like being touched by others, she held back. Whenever she hugged me in the past I froze. So she gave up.
„And I thought because I'm going to pay this weekend." She started grinning and I forced a smile on my face.
„That too." She admitted it. We reached the entrance of the university. „Let's meet in the cafeteria during lunch break." I nodded and we both went our separate ways.