After Joshua's confession, I stopped blaming myself for finding meaning in each of his acts. Everything was cleared from his side, but nothing from my side. Whether I had taken time, already accepted not being able to express myself verbally, or didn't get the guts to do either, I didn't react on that day; I was totally mute, and it can be taken either way: Joshua was stubborn, and my decision would have the effect of his stubbornness, and his confidence level would eventually make me give in.
But that was not the main thing to focus on after his confession; something else started between us, which was 'sexual tension.' Every touch of Joshua had turned intense. In the middle of the class, he would place his hand on my thigh before also doing the same, but nowadays he started massaging and pressing. I would try my best not to react and try to remove his hand, but his hand would find its way back to my thighs. I always tried my best to concentrate on the class, but it was in vain. His touch would make me feel so many things. I wanted to yell and tell him to stop whatever he was doing, but I just couldn't. Am I bloody enjoying it?
At lunchtime, he started feeding me, and that was the most awkward moment. I told him not to, but I could have myself, and his stubborn attitude would make me take at least one bite. Because of this, I started receiving hateful glares from so many girls. Can't they see I am not stealing their new fantasy? Whatever was happening was vice versa, girls. It's crystal clear. Joshua was least bothered about what was happening; he was too focused on me to observe anything, and once again, he was good at ignoring. His flirtatious message reached the next level; he started talking about intimacy before we would talk, but now it was in-depth about how the hell I was going to survive.
Lengthy phone conversations: on weekends, we would end our calls at midnight or early in the morning. He was successfully ruining my routine. I was so aware of my dad's wrath that I couldn't help but ignore it for the time being.
We were at the library because we had an assignment deadline, so we divided ourselves and started searching for books. I had my list and was doing the same when Joshua came. Not to forget, where I was searching for a book, it was a dead end; no one was there apart from me. "You got what you were searching for." Joshua was leaning on a book rack and spoke, "No, that's why I came here; will I get what I am searching for?". I stopped what I was doing and turned to face him. What was that supposed to mean? I noticed there was a sinister smile on his face, and I couldn't help but gulp.
Joshua started walking towards me. I was like a deer caught in a cage with a tiger. Slow steps were making me nervous. "What are you doing?" "What do you think, Gray?" He was so close that I was finally stopped by a wall. We were the only two of us to add to this tension created by "you are close." "So, are you affected?" Of course, I am, but I was not going to boost his ego by accepting it. "I guess not." "Really, Gray, are you sure? Then let me fill the gap completely." With that, he was too close; we could feel each other breathe. "Are you crazy, Josh? Someone might come." and "And see what Gray, and not to forget, I don't give a dam." Josh was staring. I was trying my best to avoid eye contact, but I failed miserably. I was not able to breathe normally. Why the hell were so many things happening at once? Just one person could affect this much, not to mention we are not even a couple yet. He raised his face, both of our noses touching each other. "Gray, I am dying, not able to sleep at night." My heart was beating so fast that I was not facing him. He approached my ear and said, "Those lips are killing me. When are you going to let me kiss you?" He was breathing, and it was making me even harder. "Please show some mercy on me, Gray; please, I want to taste those lips. I want to know how your lips sync with mine. Not to forget, I want to know how it was going to taste. I want to souvenirize everything. Shall I kiss you once?"
Our breathing was heavy his words were only making me dam hard, I was mute just one 'yes' from my side will change everything between us, the only question was Am I ready for this change, when I was in my thought I heard a chuckle from Josh, suddenly he kissed my forehead, "Don't worry I will wait ok don't stress too much, now let's go, you go after few minutes I will join you", I nodded my head made my way, everyone was busy in doing something they didn't notice my fluster face, after few minutes Joshua came and he was bloody normal, how the hell was I so affected dam he is good at these things, took a seat beside me took my hand locked with his under the table, I am so fucked up and that day ended by me recalling library incident getting fluster.
The next day, after parking the car, I was making my way toward my friends when Tristian spoke, "So can we discuss now Joshua? I knew you were waiting for Gray." I couldn't help but ask, "About what?" "Dam party, that guy, what's his name? 'Blake' is a science student throwing a huge party; he has given us a personal invite, especially Joshua. Everyone agreed except Joshua, of course; he was waiting for your answer, and we know your answer, so at least this time would you join us?". I was silent. I knew very well that I couldn't go and couldn't miss coaching class at any cost. My dad, no matter how busy he was, would always keep tabs on these things. To divert this tension, Joshua spoke, "Ok, let's discuss this later; it's about time. Let's head to our classes." With that, he dragged me, and others, by groaning, made their way.
We were in the middle of the class when Joshua wrote a note and passed it to me asking, "So, are you coming to the party" "I can't got coaching classes, I couldn't miss those it will be tracked by my dad", "Can't you come up with something", "No, I can't give any lame reason, I don't got any strong reason to give he won't buy any", "Try your best one call I will pick you up and not to mention I will be more happy if you join us, if that guy didn't insist me personally I would not go without you trust me", couldn't help but chuckle "It's ok I will try my best but don't keep hopes up", "Baby that's why I said try till last moment ok if you couldn't join than it's ok", after reading the first word couldn't help that giddiness that passed on through me just a word got stronger effect, "Ok, still don't be disappointed", "You have given taste of it so no worry", can't help but rolling my eyes, "Few things very hard it's not easy as you think especially for me", "Why not, again you may got your own reason at least share with me not now whenever you are ready I will wait", "OK". To hear this sentence from someone I was waiting for from eternity, this warm feeling, and his words were like a spell bound, trying to soothe me in many ways. If things went this way, I couldn't help but go against everyone or anyone crazy.
Was I lucky? Was Joshua my lucky charm? For the past few days, I have been scratching my head to come up with something and cancel my coaching classes on the weekend to attend the party with Joshua. For the sake of Joshua, I want to do whatever he asks for. I want to please him. If it involved lying, I would do that. I want to see his happy face, and the reason should be me.
Here, I was sitting with my friends at the party, sipping beer, and Joshua beside me was enjoying himself as well. I couldn't help but once again get mesmerized by his charm and his physics. He was looking dashing. I was trying my best to concentrate on anything or anyone, but my eyes kept falling on him unknowingly. That power of doing nothing can grab the attention of anyone, just like that. Joshua had gotten that day by day; his effect on me was getting deeper; my friends were pulling my leg; yes, he was the reason I was sitting here. I don't think I need to explain myself.
Every eye was on us, especially on Joshua. I was not exaggerating or just creating things; I could feel he was the center of attention, and everyone was approaching him in some way. Either they would be ignored or politely rejected, but how long could he keep rejecting them? Eventually, he gave in and joined some girls on the dance floor. He tried to drag me along with him, but I opposed it and convinced him that later I would join them. This party was full of nudeness, making out everywhere; these things were usual at any party, but this was too overwhelming. When I saw Joshua, he was enjoying his time; he could fit in anywhere just like that. I am not jealous, but I am questioning myself about why I can't be just like him or like any of my friends.
I was from the same background, status, and everything else. Even my family had the upper hand. Why am I feeling out of place? This feeling of being lonely with everyone's presence started to fade, but it seems like again it was making its space. Why can't I move my ass from this place, drink like anything, puke my guts out, or at least make out with someone? Why not try, at least with Joshua, who declared his feelings in front of everyone? Why can't I take a step, agree, and see what's going to happen? Once again, this overthinking of mine always finds its way.
Once again, I was observing the crowd and dance floor and saw Joshua, who was kissing a girl, which was deep. I should have felt betrayed or hurt, but strangely, I didn't feel any, nor did I avert my eyes from him. He was kissing her passionately, which ended soon. They were trying to catch air, and the girl was aroused. I could make out that, but I was not able to say the same about Joshua because his expression was neutral, as if it were nothing. Again, he started to move on the dance floor, and some other girl was supplying drinks. If I opened myself up, how many minutes would it take to be like him? Hardly a few minutes, what can't I just go being glued, and rather being busy in self-pity?
After a few minutes, I felt suffocating. I was not able to breathe. As the second passed, it started getting too much. I started searching for a quiet place, which was damn hard. I wanted to run from this place, but I didn't want to abandon my friends, especially Joshua. At least he was enjoying his time. I didn't want to pour water on it; every room was occupied by a couple. I came out of the house after a quick glance and found a garden, thank God, totally empty. After reaching it, I started inhaling, exhaling slowly by closing my eyes. After a few seconds, my breathing was quiet. The weather was cold, which was helpful. I don't know how many minutes I stayed that way until a hand wrapped around my waist and his head was in the crook of my neck. The unique body scent answered who that person was. I didn't open my eyes to confirm he was breathing on my neck, which was a mix of alcohol. I didn't feel disgusted.
"Thank God, I thought you took off. If you are thinking about the kiss, then let me be clear: it was nothing, and I want to blame my alcohol. I don't want my kiss to affect anything." I couldn't help but chuckle. I didn't give any response; I was not able to decide whether I was affected or not. "Gray, you are not enjoying the party, right?" I nodded my head. "I am not the party type." "Ok, common, let's ditch this." "Hey, no, you guys were enjoying common; let's go in; a few more hours I can manage." "Don't manage anything when I am with you; ok, I mean, we are ditching this," and again, I was dragged from the party.
We were in his car and were silent. I was so excited before coming to this party, but I couldn't hold the same excitement for at least a few hours. It completely vanished now that I was not in the mood for anything. "Gray, are you okay?" I turned my head to face him; he was watching the road as he was driving. "Yeah, I guess," "Gray, tell me what's the matter; you were excited before coming to this party; if you are not a party person, ok, I get that, why this foul mood suddenly? I bet something is going on in your mind. That's the thing. What was wrong with me? Why can't I be normal? How the hell was I going to explain this?
"Gray, you are taking your sweet time in accepting me, and trust me, I am not complaining; it's not like feelings are not mutual, but there is something that you are not sharing. I know it's too early to trust me but share something with me rather than keep it with you. I may not solve it, but I am ready to listen to whatever bullshit you are pouring; no judging; trust me; please open up for once." I didn't think of 'what if' for any more seconds. That doesn't mean I am going to pour everything out—just not yet. I need time. The main reason was my dad. I need to tell him why I am taking my sweet time.
"My dad (clearing my throat) has accepted my sexuality, but he won't agree or support me dating anyone, especially boys, not in this life for sure", "That's it", "I mean for now I am worried of him to take any step with you", "What if I say I will take care of your dad, I mean to make him accept me and our relationship", "That's not easy you don't know my dad", "Introduce him to me rest assured I will make sure he accepts me and our relationship wholeheartedly", "Don't think my dad is cool as your dad", "As I said trust me with this, before approaching your dad, I want you to be sure of this, make up your mind, are you ready for this?"
'Am I ready for this?' He said he was going to take care of my dad. Can I trust him? It was a short period. I don't know anything about him—not everything. If we had known each other for years, could anyone know about a person completely? Only if that person opens up entirely. It was Joshua, in a short period, trying to enter my world, trying his best to pluck everything that was bothering me, giving hope and making promises. Once again, his question started filling my mind: 'Am I ready for this?' I wasn't able to open my mouth to answer.
"Take your time, ok, no hurry. I am not going anywhere. I will get what I want, and you are at the top of my list. Don't stress too much. Keep in mind that no matter what, I will be with you." These reassuring words from his side will be the death of me someday. This time I dare to approach his hand and lock mine.