Wednesday.
Day 22.
George.
I knew one thing for sure; Blake was standing here in front of me, totally real. And another was that he clearly also knew who me and Lectra were. There was no other explaination for his outburst. I couldn't believe it, it wasn't just me and Issa who remembered.
I'm about to say something, I'm not sure what, just anything so I would stop gawking crazily as I surely was at Blake, when suddenly Wes was stepping forward;
"Do you three know eachother?" He wasn't even bothering looking at me or Lectra, but holding eye contact with Blake instead, looking unbelievably confused. Blake finally talks again and my stomach drops with false hope;
"Um, well you always talk about them. I just assumed by the way you described them, that's all." Of course he didn't know. Just really, really good at guessing apparently. I still didn't completely trust it either way and decided then that I would keep an eye out on Blake anyway.
Even if I was truly just wasting my time.
Out of disappointment from thinking he knew me or Lectra from the school, I let out an irritated breath then all I want then is to just leave, feeling all of the stress from today come right back.
I had no idea why I was so upset. It shouldn't have been so annoying at all since Blake and I never really got along, and honestly I couldn't stand the guy as he was with Issa at the school, but the possibility of maybe another person sharing our knowledge felt almost like a relief for a few seconds. Then it was gone in an instant.
"Oh duh. Makes sense." Blake shyly smiles then he finds Lectra beside me, also eyeing him. This would almost be funny if only they knew how well they really got along at the school already.
"Ehem. So Leah, and uh George. Nice to meet you, I'm Blake." Blake outstretches his hand to Lectra first, who takes it without a second thought, then to me. I don't know what it was about him that angered me so much, besides the Issa situation, but all I felt towards Blake was fury. I hated the guy, even more now because of the disappointment I felt only moments ago.
Stiffly, I take his hand and shake it, then quickly let go. Blake didn't seem to notice and was excitedly asking;
"Were you guys heading back home then? Or did you want to join us?" I glance at Lectra for her response first, knowing damn well I had a big no waiting on the tip of my tongue. All I saw was a very ecstatic Lectra basically jumping up and down at the invite.
"I would love that! How about you George?" She finds me this time and sends me a fluttering look, saying I pretty much had no choice but to come. I had no idea why she had it in mind that we were best buds, but it was almost nice to get along better with her compared to the school.
I felt a little better instantaneously and found myself nodding a shrug of approval at her.
"Yay! Where are you guys going then?" Lectra turns to Wes for an answer still bouncing happily.
"Bowling, then Blake's spending the night at my place. His girlfriend has been acting up so he's hiding with me for a couple days." Girlfriend? Of course a guy like Blake already had a girlfriend. I already hated admitting it the first time and it still sucked the second time too, but Blake was a good looking guy.
All I could think of was how Issa would feel about her dream boyfriend having no idea who she was anymore and also having a new girlfriend here. Even if I did feel sorry for Issa now, I could appreciate the irony of it all.
"'Mkay, let's get going then." Lectra pulls me out of my thinking then we head over to Wes' car to go bowling, while I'd really rather be in my bed away from everyone for at least a couple years.
•••
*Issa*
I took Cam by the hand, not entirely sure where I was leading him until we ended up inside Brooks' study. I still wasn't quite sure what to expect from Cam, and honestly, I didn't really want to hear it at all.
I sit down on a large leather chair and immediately sink into it, feeling miniscule in its large frame. I watch Cam take a couple steps away from me next to another chair but he doesn't sit. I can easily tell he was on the verge of either tears, throwing up, screaming or all three at once, but I played it cool anyway;
"I think it might be easier to just-say it? Just let it out and be done with it y'know?" I'm halfway through speaking when Cam begins shaking his head repeatedly and a little erratically, making me wince at the motions.
"I don't want you to hate me." I giggle at that, unexpected by the both of us.
"By this point I know whatever you did was absolutely awful Cam, okay? I'll be honest. But I don't think there's anyway I can really ever hate you." I stop and giggle again realizing what I just said. It wasn't an intentional lie. I of course had hated Cam before, in my dream. But that was a totally different person. They were almost nothing alike. This Cam was special, and he meant so much to me already.
There was no way I could hate him. I wouldn't.
"Oh but you will though." The Cam I was used to was always confident and towering his exuberant aura onto everyone he was around. Right now all I saw was a small scared boy, barely even able to look me in the eyes. And that hurt me to see even more than whatever he was about to tell me could ever.
Cam is still standing, arms crossed and facing away from me when I reach up and take his hand, reminding me just how much I missed his rough hands intertwined with mine. He is instantly looking down at me and I finally notice he had been letting out a very messy cry. His eyes find me and instantly he was sobbing harder. I don't hesitate to pull him down to my level.
He falls to his knees and before he can move I was wrapping my palms around his face, holding him there. Just wanting to make him feel better anyway I could at that point, I slowly move closer and rest my head against his so we could feel eachothers rapid breaths now.
My plan fails and it only makes him sob more.
"Cam you just need to tell me. Please. It hurts me seeing you like this."
"I don't know how to say-" His hands suddenly make their way up to my face too then he was trailing along my features as if it would be his last time seeing me again.
"Just say it Cam." I only noticed when Cam wipes my cheek with his thumb that I was also crying with him too.
"Okay-" He sniffles then all of his tears freeze, and instead he was surpringly calm as he gained the courage to confess to me. He opens his mouth to say whatever it was that he did when all of a sudden the fear of what he might say kicked in and I was terrified.
I knew that I had lied to him and that I very well could hate Cam for whatever he did. I just couldn't bare the thought of hating Cam again.
It was that realization that made me push forward to stop him from talking and get in one last kiss before he ruined everything between us.
Cam was no longer crying as he kissed me back ten times harder, this time it was only me who stayed crying. When our kiss broke apart and I pulled away to watch Cam's utterly broken face, knowing the exact reason I kissed him was because I could in fact hate him even if I said otherwise, all I saw from him was numbness as he began to say what he was meaning to;
"I-sent George a picture of you the night we slept together. While you were facing away on the bed, naked. I-I-" The crying broke out again and he was back to his not so attractive looking sobbing.
I barely remembered my night with Cam, despite handling it somehow exceptionally well, I was wasted pretty much the whole night. I remembered of course that we slept together and that it was amazing, but things were still foggy, and I definitely did not remember that happening whatsoever.
I can hear Cam begging me to say something, as I was just sitting there still holding onto his hand softly, not saying a word trying to work out what he had just told me. I didn't feel mad surprisingly at all. What I did feel was utterly nauseous.
"Issabelle. What are you thinking? Please just tell me-" I finally swipe away from his hand feeling sick from his touch then blurt out suddenly;
"Let me see it." Cam blinks away at me totally baffled. He almost looks as if he was imagining what I had just asked of him. I couldn't believe I was even asking for it myself, but my curiosity and the hope for it not actually being that awful was still hovering around my mind. I still wanted to care for Cam somehow.
Cam finally got a word out but he sounded utterly exhausted and ready to pass out;
"What?" This time as I spoke, my voice fell flat and serious, but not angry sounding at all like I intended it to get him to get on with it;
"I want to see it. Show me Cam."
"Shit. Okay." Cam pulls out his phone then I see him move to his messages and click George's name. Slowly he begins scrolling through all of their old messages until finally he stops. I'm watching Cam's tinted red face as he finally gets to the picture.
"I-I am sorry. Just know that." I don't say anything to his millionth apology today so the phone is tipped my way instantly and I'm finally seeing it. My naked body, facing downwards for me to not be able to see it being taken, as expected. I'm only able to look at it for pretty much a millisecond until I am ripping my eyes away and putting my palms to my face.
I don't cry or yell or really do anything besides sit there hearing Cam's sobs get louder. I'm not even sure why I looked away so fast. It's not like the picture was totally disgusting to see. I mean, I honestly did look okay in it. It was just the thought that Cam took it. Sweet, innocent Cam. Then he sent it to his best friend. Before I knew why, I was laughing into my hands.
"Why-are you laughing?" I knew he probably thought I was losing it and about to kill him or something like that, but I couldn't help laughing. My first thought after seeing the picture instead of just flat out being pissed was 'oh, at least I looked good in it'.
"Because it's kind of funny."
"It isn't funny to me. I'm sickened with myself Issa." Cam sounded annoyed with me unbelievably, as if he hadn't just told me what he did at all. It was enough to set me off finally.
"Well good, you should feel that way Cam." His eyes snap to the side at my jab, no longer looking angry but now ready to cry again. I was being a bitch to him, and it was well deserved, but I hated the look of despair that was sprawled across his face as he sat there taking it my poison.
Even if it was deserved.
"Are you still going to live here then?"
"That's what you're worried about after all of this? If I'm going to move out? Really?" He sits down hard on the floor and rests his chin under his palm looking up at me finally being the one to tower over him. The annoyed look is all over his expressions again.
"Yes, because I figured you'd not want to see me all day, every day. Am I right?" Surprisingly, I wasn't sure what to say to that. Right now I hated even needing to look at him, but the thought of not ever seeing him again stabbed me in the heart. I guess I was right about not being able to hate Cam afterall.
"No-I mean yes. Fuck, I don't know. I still want to live here okay? Just right now I can't keep looking at you and pretending I don't still want y-" Cam's eyes barely change as I almost admit to him finally how I was feeling, he still looks irritated, but I wasn't sure if that was for me or himself anymore.
"Me? You still want me Issa? Seriously?" The fury in his voice snuck into me weirdly and I hated how it made me feel just then.
"No, I definitely don't. I hate you. Like you predicted." Next Cam was rolling his shimmering eyes at me, finally no longer crying and instead holding back a disjointed smirk, clearly as defeated as I was. I had no idea what was really happening between us at this point.
"You can't just say that. That you want me then that you hate me. I know I deserve it, but fuck, Issa." He was finally standing up in front of me still down on the chair. I can only watch Cam as he takes the bottom hem of his shirt and pull it upwards to wipe up the tears and snot covering his face. I shouldn't have been looking, but the instant his shirt was up and all I could see was his well built stomach, I couldn't stop staring.
What the hell was wrong with me?
"So if you still want to live here, at least make up your mind about how you feel about me. Because I made a mistake but I'm still only human. I care about you whether you think I do or not. Way too fucking much."
I was supposed to be pissed at Cam, or better yet, I should be swinging at him for what he did to me. But any time I looked into his eyes it was like I was getting sucked into them. And all I could think about was how much I needed to kiss him again, or even just hold his hands, anything. As long as it was from Cam.
"Well?" His voice neatly makes me let out a small sound but I keep my cool and lie to him horribly;
"I uh-like I said, I can't see you at all right now. I'm sorry-" And just like that I was out of there. Speedwalking down the halls until I finally made my way upstairs, ready to go to my room. I turn my door knob when there was a voice coming from just down the hall by Lectras room.
"Issabelle? Are you doing okay? You seem skittish." It was Brooks, of course, and he was already heading my way away from Lectras door, which he had obviously just been snooping inside of.
"Oh, I'm fine."
"You don't seem like it. Anyway I can help?" He said it sincerely, not like he was asking for an alternative answer from me at all, which was surprising.
"No, I just need to-" Brooks holds up his hand and lightly waves me quiet.
"Oh c'mon. Let's blow off some steam. Maybe we can take up those cooking lesson a little now?" I find myself hesitantly nodding at Brooks, knowing it couldn't hurt to take my mind off of Cam for awhile. But now that meant dealing with Brooks. Ugh.
"Terrific. Got a ponytail?" I show him my wrist which had two black rubber bands around it to which he nods at.
"Why?" He smirks then grabs my hand and starts leading me downstairs with him while adding;
"Because it's about to get serious up in here."
•••
Brooks was right, he was definitely way tio serious about his teaching me to cook.
It was already a few hours into me and Brooks very intense practice cooking when I was reminded to text Lectra about him also snooping around her room, while also informing her that I had talked to Cam, of which I was sure she was incredibly curious about.
Me: 'I found out what Cam was hiding... & fyi Brooks was in your room being real nosey earlier. Just so you know.'
It takes her awhile to respond, but when she does I can tell she was happy to hear from me.
Lectra: 'hey! I'll "talk" to Brooks later. What I care about is what happened with Cam?? I need details!'
My mind in quick to return to exactly what had happened between me and him. He had told me what he did, and I had hated him for approximately five seconds and was quickly craving for him again like a total idiot.
Me: 'well, alot happened. let's just say it's not very good. We can talk about it in person. Where are you?'
I was actually enjoying Brooks company for once that I had momentarily forgotten that everyone else was m.i.a all day from the house. We had even talked about me dropping out finally, and Brooks was totally accepting about it, making me feel much better. Since he was my chancellor, afterall.
"Issa, get over here and off that phone. You're turn to flip the omelet." I'm torn from waiting for Lectras text when Brooks behind me was shouting over for me to return to cooking.
"Okay, coming!" I toss my phone onto the counter and jog over to Brooks who was totally spotless, while I looked like a flour bomb blew up on me from all the things we had been cooking. The kitchen looked like a bakery at this point.
"So are you ever going to tell me why you were so upset earlier?" Brooks wasted no time getting to what I'd been avoiding explaining to him this whole time at last and all I can do is sigh. I freeze from taking the frying pan from him, ready to flip the omelet but was immediately stopped by Brooks question, not sure how to answer it.
"Who says I was upset?" He narrows his eyes at me with a sweet knowing smile.
"I'm not stupid. What is it. Tell me." Me and Brooks were slowly getting along much better now, but every once and awhile I would still get an iffy feeling about it, mainly from being Lectras creepy older brother. But then it would all go away, simply from him being close to one of the most attractive men I've ever met. Ugh.
"Just-boy issues." He let's out a hefty chuckle then was watching me as I finally flipped the omelet decently for once. I was feeling proud of myself until Brooks adds;
"Boys. You need a man Issa, not boys. That was your first problem." I turn my head over to study Blake, knowing damn well he was referring to himself as those men in question. If I wasn't just totally enamored by Cam, nothing Brooks said would have worked its way into me. But with Cam still being everywhere on my mind, it was working way too well.
"They are men-not boys. They just keep making mistakes is all."
"They? Multiple?" I immediately freeze from holding the pan and don't say a word, knowing I just outed myself.
"I had no idea you were like that Issabelle. Interesting." I wasn't looking at him anymore out of shyness, but I could tell just from his voice that he was indeed very interested by this new fact about me.
"It's-it's not like that. I only like them both, that's all. I'm not with them both right now-"
"Right now?" This was just heading downhill so easily and so fast that I couldn't stop it anymore. Maybe I did want them both, but Brooks knowing that only invited him to get with me even more. If I did have a relationship with both Cam and George at the same time, there was no way Brooks would be in it too. At least that's what I was trying to convince myself.
"That came out wrong."
"Oh do be honest with yourself Issa. It's what you want. What you like." Brooks was suddenly walking even closer to me than he already was, then was fast placing a hand along my wrist, around the pan handle. With a sly, slow movement, he was taking it away from me and removing it from the heat, still holding my hand in his.
He was slow with his next movements as he turned me to face him finally. Taking a strand of my hair that was dangling in front of my eyes, Brooks moves in closer to my face, knowing he was going in for a kiss. I had no idea why I wasn't stopping him, I didn't want him like that, but when I looked up into his face all I saw was a mix of the two guys I was totally engulfed in and I couldn't look away.
"You don't have to keep it from me Issa, I'm okay with who you are. Just let me in-"
"Hey-!" Brooks lips just brush mine when a loud shout echos through to room all the way from the doorway. Brooks rolls his eyes before even looking at the intruder then was like a whip as he finally saw who it was, evidently irritated from the intrusion;
"Yes, Cam?" Of course. I find Cam standing just inside the room, looking ready to throw himself at Brooks for touching me, but he simply stays put.
"Issa, are you okay?" I was ignoring Brooks still standing in my arms instantly and instead trailing my eyes along Cam. The second it set in that he was really here I was just as quickly irritated with him all over again.
Snapping at Cam's question, I state stiffly;
"I was fine." Brooks softly giggles, but when I realize he was still holding my hand I slowly slide out of it. I didn't really want or care about Brooks' touch at all, it was simply said to make Cam jealous, and from the looks of it, it was working beautifully.
"You didn't look fine to me." Cam was quick to target more angry sounding words at me this time.
"Alright. You two obviously need to settle some things. I just remembered I need to look over some papers anyway, so you two have fun." Brooks turns to me one last time then he was bending and placing a kiss on my cheek. I watch Brooks leave and in comes Cam.
"You didn't want him and you know it Issa. You're not fooling anyone but your little boyfriend there." Cam throws his thumb behind him at Brooks, who was now long gone.
"At least he doesn't take advantage of me." Cam looks hurt yet mad all at once then he was spewing;
"He was definitely about to take of advantage of you, actually. You are in no right head space to be alone with him right now." An ugly non-humorous laugh leaks through my lips the second he finishes talking.
"Oh, okay dad. Thanks for the tip." I roll my eyes at him then push past him out the door, heading back to my room wanting to lose him along the way. I fail when he also trails behind me with even more remarks to add;
"You would have regretted it if you had done anything. That's your best friends brother, Issa. You should be thanking me." I'm still walking upstairs ignoring his truthful words and am about to open my door when he shouts from just behind me again;
"You can't just admit you're wrong can you?" I twist around hard to glare at Cam now approaching me closely. All I saw on his face was caring, but his tone was anything but. I didn't need his opinion, even if he was a little right.
Cam being right just infuriated me more and I was quickly blurting out;
"Fine Cam. You want me to admit it? Okay, I was wrong. I was wrong about wanting Brooks, and fuck was I wrong thinking I couldn't hate you! I hate you so much, better now?" I hated my words, not Cam. I regretted what I said before it even came out in the open for us both the hear. Even if what I said came to me so silky smooth, I didn't mean it.
"You really mean that then?"
"Yes. Absolutely." I wanted to slap myself for being such an idiot right now. I was such a mix between angry and sad that I didn't know which to choose.
"George literally cheats on you and he gets out of it just fine. But me, no, I get fucked." Cam was now trailing his hands through his hair hastily with a cruel smile around his lips. I can't help but smile back at him from his words. George cheated on me twice, and Cam had no idea, but George still somehow got multiple tries to not mess it up.
"What? Is that funny to you?" Cam stops pacing and steps up to me now laying against my door without a single drop of energy to even argue with him anymore.
"It is funny-" I felt weirdly drunk even though I hadn't had a single drink in way too long. It was just the pure adrenaline flowing through me from our totally pointless fight. I knew I didn't hate him, but I couldn't tell him otherwise for whatever unknown reason. Pride? I didn't know, but it was definitely not funny at all, but apparently to fake-drunk me, it totally was.
"I don't really know how to feel with you Cam. I can't hate you completely, but I also can't care too much either. You confuse me." Cam leans himself just over me on my door, taking a hand to rub away an obvious headache.
"I'm confusing? You're the damn queen of it." I laugh again and that was it, I didn't know what else to say to him. He had a point.
"Just tell me honestly what you want from me Issa. So I can leave you alone and stop being so confused." Cam was back to normal sounding as he swayed over me on my door looking down on me. It was like what I'd needed all day long, all I wanted was Cam. I wanted him any way I could get it and that wasn't going to change.
"I don't want you to leave me alone though. Not really." My truth was finally forming and spilling out everywhere. And I wasn't sure I could stop when Cam asks, even more surprised now;
"What? Why not?"
"Honestly? I just-" I take in a breath watching Cam stare down at me impatiently, curious about what I had to say. Finally I get the nerve and spew;
"I want you, even after what you did." He leans off the door and his face completely changes for the millionth time. His eyes flutter and his mouth flies open but no words manage their way out. He was clearly speechless and I didn't blame him.
"Say something Cam." He shakes his head and a grim smirk appears once more. It showed me just how done with me he was right then and there.
"You make no sense Issa." He talks and I can finally breathe;
"I know that. You told me to be honest, and that's just the truth. I can't trust you, but I still want you. Badly." He only stares at me as baffled as before so I hesitantly add;
"Don't you-want me too?" I hated saying it, but I could only hope he felt the same and needed some type of answer, even if it was anything but what I really wanted to hear from him.
Cam doesn't answer me, he barely even looked at me, instead he eyed the floor nervously. That was all I needed for me to have my answer to my own question. Cam didn't want me back anymore. Of course not, I was a hot confusing mess and he didn't need that fucking himself up along the way.
"Okay." I take his silence then can only think to turn around to finally open up my room to leave him alone without me. I only take one step inside when I can immediately feel a hand pulling my waste backwards, and instantly I was being flung around and looking straight into Cams eyes as he held me close.
We simply sit there watching eachother and for a second I thought Cam looked angry again, but then he was breathlessly answering my question at long last;
"I do. I really do want you Issa."
"Really?" He just nods and my mind instantly goes to the darkest places and back in a second to unexpectedly add;
"Then it's a good thing my room is right here then. Right?" I have to take a second to hear myself and when I do I don't regret it for even a second. I take my hands that were awkwardly placed along my sides and bring them up to hold Cams jaw to tip him downward to my lips.
I didn't know if I still hated him, or if he really just hated me too, but that didn't matter as Cam connected our lips then proceeded to carry me into my room over to my bed.
Cam set me down with a breathless expression on his face then smirked down at me waiting for his next move and promptly whispered;
"Right."