My day was filled with saying my goodbyes. I talked to all of my coworkers and after exhaustion got to me, I ended up in my office. What surprised me was that I didn't see Damien anywhere. Honestly, a part of me wanted to see him, if anything just to confirm I am better after everything. I'm not even sure what to take from his actions. Was it intentional? What would he do, would he hurt me? Somehow now when I think about it I don't see him as someone who hurts women, at least not in a physical way...
I heard the door opening, but since I was standing next to the window I didn't see who it was. Yet a familiar smell made me realize that the subject of my thoughts just entered the office. My heart started beating a bit faster but I'm not scared. Mostly anxious.
-I missed you, kitty...- His voice was playful but with a grim undertone and a painful smile appeared on my face. Right... Maybe it's better for us to go the way we were before. I was scared of what was going to happen, and how we behave. Not that there isn't some tension in the air but at least we are trying to bring our relationship to what it was before.
I turned around so that we were face to face. My eyes passed over his face, and I felt my heart speed up when I saw his arrogant smile. I hate that smile but somehow... That smile is part of his personality. I continued to watch him, and unconsciously I licked my lips remembering a fraction of the good time we had together. He was the first man I felt somewhat attracted to until my past got to me...
-You missed me too sweetheart, if judged by the way you're ogling me.- He winked at me and started to walk towards me. For a second there was panic but I pushed it further in my mind and remembered my exercises. I am better now. I worked on myself and I know how to deal with situations like this. I am a master of my life, my fears won't control me.
-You have a high opinion of yourself, Damien. Tell me, Damien, did your daddy teach you how to mistreat women? I think I read somewhere he has some experience in that.- I couldn't help myself but say it venomously since I could still vividly remember his angry face. I said I was better but I didn't say I would forgive and forget. He needs to get off his high horse and treat me with more respect. Damien's smile fell but only for a moment. He quickly returned that smug expression and shrugged.
-To be honest, he never taught me much. Desiree...- He started to say something but stopped and I can see that he is somewhat uncomfortable. So I gave him time and just stood my ground waiting for him to continue. Some articles I read at one point, mentioned that when you want people to continue talking you should just keep quiet. It's a form of manipulation and people usually hate the awkward silence so they will continue to talk and maybe something important would slip. Maybe it will work in this case.
-I wanted to say I'm sorry. I did a lot of bad things in my life, but I wasn't an abuser. It's not my way, so... I apologize.- I can see this is weird for him and it made me soften a bit. Not that I want to give him the satisfaction of forgiving him so easily. He is a grown man yet he decided to act as a child and give in to his emotions. Violence is violence and I don't want him to get away with it. I kept a straight face looking at him wondering what to do now. Something in me is telling me to forgive him but who is to say he won't just go back to his old behavior? I trust too easily. My mind just assumes everyone is like me and that is usually wrong. I'm too naive for this world and I'm aware of that, but what can I do?
- I don't care Damien. Save it for someone else. In the future, stay away from me. If you don't know how to behave then just stay clear.- Every word was pronounced sternly but I do feel conflicted. It seems like he's feeling guilty. His face is the most vulnerable I've seen him. It's kind of cute. His expression changed again and he's battling his own feelings. I am sorry too, but I won't let people walk all over me. He let out a loud sigh and got even closer to me. I stood my ground, my heart beating faster and faster but his face was not angry, he wouldn't hurt me.
-Was everything a game? Why did you go into that room with me if you were gonna run for your life mare minutes later? Did I hurt you? If I did, I'm sorry. I saw you enjoying yourself, I'm sure of it. What was it that I did wrong?- Gosh, how can I explain how messed up I am? Is it something anyone can casually mention? Oh, it's not you, it's just my trauma caused by my adoptive brother, otherwise, I would totally sleep with you. Yeah right. As If I'm not a freak already, I know how I seem to others and they would be right to think so... Anyhow... I do feel like I owe him an explanation, I just don't want it to be the truth or the complete lie.
-It wasn't a game. At the moment I did feel like it, it was nice...- I could feel my face heat up from my words and his gaze so I lowered my head. In the next second his fingers gently grabbed my chin, pushing my head up to look at him once again. He is so close now I can feel his perfume. He smells fresh and musky. I like it.
-Then what was the problem? It was nice for me too. I would have been good to you, I would have done anything you wanted from me, that's how much I wanted you...- Oh my God, why are his words making me feel so warm? Suddenly I feel all shy and giddy. Something in my stomach is clenching, imagining his hands on me, his lips... Would he do anything I wanted him to? Is that how much power I had over him and why is he admitting it right now? But he said it all in the past tense... Of course, after he saw what a lunatic I am he wouldn't want anything to do with me. Yet he is watching me with that desire in his eyes, the same look he had that night at the party, but somewhat gentler.
-I am the problem. I changed my mind, I didn't think it was worthy enough.- His fingers dropped from my face and a pang of guilt stabbed my heart. I know I sound like a bitch. It's better this way. He'll stay away from me. His face looks so sad I have an urge to take him in my arms and console him. I want to caress his hair and whisper sweet nothings. He can be a jerk but here he is, opening himself to me and I crushed it.
-Why is that? I'm not sophisticated enough for you? We can't all be as refined and gentlemanly as Zachary. Let me tell you the truth, we are all the same. Even those polished and elegant men have the same thoughts as I do, they want to do the same things and say the same stuff they are just too scared to own it. Was it such a bad thing I found you attractive? Because I did, and I do. You are good-looking and I appreciate it.- His voice is agitated and stern but he is still gentle enough and it makes me crumble. My resolves are melting. He is somewhat right. But how can I tell him that's not the problem? It's not that I want anyone else, in fact, he is the one who got the furthest with me, maybe because he is so rough, as contradictory as it sounds. At least with him, I feel as if I know everything there is. He is an open book of his emotions, everything is evident on his face. All the desire, hurt, anger... No surprises.
-It's not that Damien...-
-Then what?! What is it that you find so repulsive about me? If you want sweet talks, I can do that. I prefer not to but I could. Do you want me to tell you how pretty you are, cuz you are, so damn pretty. You are damn beautiful and you walk around like you know it, you are sexy yet innocent. You are smart and you don't back down yet you look like you could use someone to hold you, to take care of you, and tell you everything will be alright. I want to take you away from the rest of the world and get that damn mask of restrictions away from you because that's not who you are.- Fuck him. Fuck him and his stupid speech because it's making me so inconsistent. I want to try, I want to give in and let him do whatever he wants with me. I want him to take this pain away and show me I am not broken. That I am all of those things he sees in me. I am not beautiful, I am not smart or sexy, it's quite the opposite. I am a big fraud and he saw right through me, yet he still wants me.
-Damien. You don't know me. You don't even know what you want. If anything, I'm not worth your time so let's just keep our distance.- I dared to look at him and he shook his head at me before looking directly into my eyes.
-I know well what I want and it is you. There is more to you than you let on, it makes me crazy. You are one big mystery I want to solve but... If you want me to keep my distance, I'm afraid I'll have to listen. As much as it annoys me to do it.- I tried to smile but I felt awful. As if I'm giving up on something yet it was never mine in the first place. And why him? It's not like he is the best guy there is. Even if I can read him, he is too conflicted, and unstable. I am all of those things, I wouldn't be able to keep myself in check and him. It would be too much.
-Thank you...- My voice was a bit hoarse so I cleared my throat and licked my lips which made him follow the movement. His own lips thinned in a straight line before he took a deep breath and let out a sigh.
-Can I... I don't want you to remember the last time. I took the control away from you and I want you to remember me at least somewhat fondly. Can we finish with one last kiss? If you don't want to, you don't have to. The choice is yours...- Oh this man is playing a dangerous game. Should I test myself? Should I give in and get one last taste of him? I liked it at the party, and a part of me was eager to kiss him. He gave me his permission, so why not?
I nodded shyly and he lowered his head so that we were close enough that I felt his breath on my face. But he didn't do anything else. He waited for me. He is standing close, I know he is eager, and I can feel anticipation radiating from him, yet when I finally connected our lips he didn't push for more. He followed my lead. His lips are soft against mine, opening and closing, pursing and relaxing as I dictate the tempo. I heard an intake of breath as I sucked his lower lip and our bodies melted together but not close enough for me to panic.
My body is warm, my heart close to his and I know we are both excited. The room suddenly felt small and everything else disappeared as my hands wandered in his hair, pulling it between my fingers, caressing him, and feeling him shudder next to me.
At one point I opened my eyes, and I know I must seem like a creep but I like the look. His eyes are closed, his eyelashes long and soft against his cheeks. He looks almost angelic. Funny...
Our kiss turned almost desperate as I pushed for more and he obliged. I'm kissing him with everything in me, punishing him, and rewording him and he takes it without a complaint. His hands got to my cheeks, but he was not holding me in place, he was just softly touching my skin, his thumbs caressing me as if I were something precious.
When my tongue found him, a gasp escaped me when he moaned. It's so hot when I guy moans. That thought is constantly in my mind, especially when I hear Damien. He makes it seem so innocent. Someone so strong and rough around the edges is moaning because of me, from my kiss. It does burst my ego.
Finally, I departed from him and he slowly opened his eyes. At this point, we just look at each other trying to regain our breath. I have a feeling that my heart will get out of my chest. Damien slowly raised his hand and gently ran his fingers over my lips, he kissed me again, but only for a second, such a chest kiss in comparison to what we did. The next second he is away from me, clearing his throat and nervously going through his hair with his fingers. He looks disoriented. I can only imagine how I look, if it's anything to how I feel, then I must be a mess.
-This was... Thank you for this.- He said shortly, but with so much emotion that I don't know why but I wanted to cry. I watched him close the door and as soon as he was out of sight I sat in a leather chair and leaned my head back. My lips are still tingling and I still have his taste in my mouth. I wanted him to leave me alone, and he agreed to that, so now what? I have everything in motion. I have a plan. Why does it all seem insignificant now? Now I feel like I don't want to go. Like I am so close to resolving this mystery and if I go, I will get further away from the results. Why the hell did I even kiss him? I'm so confused...
*******
It was about time to speak to Zachary. At the time, I decided to get some time off work. Since it's a sick leave I'm allowed a month to recuperate. Now it has been a week since my episode with Damien, and although I am better I want some permanent solution. I talked to a psychiatrist and we made a plan for me to follow. First things first, I need to be in an environment that is not stressing me out. So I organized everything and told Zachary. The rest of my coworkers think I am going to recuperate from a chronic illness. In a way, what I have is a chronicle illness...
-Zachary... I wanted to thank you for your support. I know we didn't start on the right foot but you are not so bad. Actually, not bad at all. This made him chuckle but only for a moment before he slipped into his serious and worried persona.
-You really scared me, you know? I hope this time would be it, and when you come back I would never have to witness something like that again.- Ouch. I know he doesn't mean anything bad but I feel ashamed of what happened. It's not like I want people to see me so vulnerable. It's embarrassing and frankly, a bit pathetic.
-I'm sorry about that. I'll make sure you never see it again.- I heard him sigh and lifted my head to look at him. He is looking at me with a frown and his blue eyes are pinning me in place.
-That's not what I meant. I don't mind being there, it's just that I want you healthy and happy. I know where your fear comes from and honestly, I don't know what to say or do to help you. So, Desiree... I think it's you who can help you. I'm glad you are doing just that.- Fuck, that's some heavy thinking. It makes me feel giddy and a bit happy so I smile at him.
-Look at you, getting all emotional on me. It doesn't suit you, Mister King.- Another chuckle and a shrug. But this time the smile stayed on his face.
-You are something, Miss Diamond. I dare to say you are a good person and a good friend. If possible, do remember to text me in the upcoming month.- I rolled my eyes and got up from my chair, ready to leave.
-That goes without saying. Keep the things running, I don't want to come back and see you made a mess of everything.-
-Without you bugging in, everything will run smoothly.- Another eye roll and I had to stick my tongue out at his childness. Jerk.
-On the other hand, don't expect any texts. I don't text jerks.- Since I decided to finish our conversation at this I left before he got a chance to respond but I could hear him laugh. Good. I like this new energy between us. It's a good change...
For the rest of the day, I made sure to finish all the obligations and pretty soon I was ready for my journey to a healthy Desiree.
*******
A month later
To say the process was exhausting was an understatement. However, I think I managed to improve myself. Or at least that's what my psychiatrist says. Not only that, but I made a pact with myself to push my limits and try new things. I also got to a realization that I am too dependent on Gabriel so in the last month we were away from each other with occasional talks. What surprised me was that he finally found a girlfriend. Not that he never had one, but it wasn't usually a relationship. Maybe he was too busy with me to commit to someone.
I guess the time away suited us. I missed him very much, and in a way, I am glad and sad that he got a girlfriend. Her name is Jessica. It seems that Jessica is special... I smiled knowing that Gabriel is happy. As I parked in front of my house familiar worries embrassed me. I missed this place but whenever I'm here, memories come back and not all of them are pleasant. No, Desiree. Remember the system. I am to be happy and I need to work on myself. I am a master of my life.
Gabriel is waiting near the door and I smiled broadly when I noticed him. He didn't waste a second as he leaped towards me and before I knew it I was in his embrace. Now, old me would freak out but I didn't let this happen. He is safe, he is my Gabriel. I missed him, and this is normal for friends. So I stayed calm and hugged him back, feeling nostalgic.
-I feel like it has been a lifetime since I last saw you. - Now this definitely made me smile and hug him tighter. It does feel like a lifetime.
-It was a lifetime ago, especially with everything that happened. Well, for you.- We finally separated and I can see a blush on his face. He nervously fixed his hair and smiled at me.
-Yeah... I would have told you sooner but you weren't exactly approachable.- A pang of guilt appeared but I chased it away. I know I wasn't there for him but it brought him something good. If he were constantly concentrating on me he wouldn't have met Jessica.
-Oh come on, I was on a mission. You know, like how they train samurais, or Batman I guess. I needed complete silence and detachment for my spiritual journey.
His face is a mix of disbelief and humor. But pretty soon he nodded, going along with my story.
-Of course. Are you a secret hero now? Will I be recruited as your sidekick, because let me tell you right now, there isn't a side I could kick. It wouldn't work.- It made me laugh as I imagined him in a Robin suit, running around. Oh, it doesn't suit him alright.
-Nah, don't worry. I work alone.-
- Let's go into the living room to have a nice chat. You have many, many things to explain to me. And I want all the details about your superhero training.-
Before I knew it the evening was over. At first, it felt a bit odd but pretty soon everything was as before with Gabriel. I escorted him out and got ready for bed.
I was a bit anxious for work but everything went smoothly the following day. Zachary welcomed me enthusiastically, and we were still on good terms. Everything was normal, a lot of work had piled up but nothing I couldn't handle. I didn't even see Damien and Zachary told me he didn't show up for work but he knew I was coming back. My thought was that he was purposely ignoring me but who knows? I like that I feel more confident now, I feel more in touch with myself. There was a lot I kept under my skin and I feel better after working on it. That doesn't mean I am completely healed, this will be a tough one to get over with. However, it's important that I am willing to work. While I was hopeful for my future, I curled up on my couch. I gave myself time to rest and think about my day before I drifted off to sleep...
I twitched and writhed trying to wake up from a nightmare. I know I'm dreaming but it all feels too real and the pictures in my mind are too familiar. I was tossing on the couch dropping silent sobs. The deep throbbing near me finally brought me back from sleep and I jumped to my feet. With wide-open eyes, I looked in the direction from which the sound came.
Nervously, I made sure to walk as silently as I could, clutching my phone in my hand in case I needed to call the police. My dream got me on edge and I'm afraid it's Alexander that's in my house. I heard something like a sob, and quietly against the wall, I went to see what is it. My heart began pounding hard and I was afraid of what, or who was here. Gabriel would have called. William is not working yet... It must be an intruder. I thought bitterly and poked my head around the corner trying to see what was going on. I gasped from shock and let out a high-pitched scream...