(beginning of a dream)
Pleadingly I looked at the black figure that's hovering over my body. With the frightened eyes of an innocent child, I looked at him wanting to disappear. I still feel like a child. A frightened child who has, until today, looked at the world from a different angle. Dreamy. Mesmerized. Oblivious to all wickedness and malice that lies in this world. My eyes were closed to the reality upon this point. Covered with white silk that makes everything seem perfect. Too bad it only seemed that way...
I started to step back, running away from that look full of contempt and from these hands that have hurt me, a lot, a lot of times. I do not deserve this. I was just an innocent girl, blinded by the boys, clothes, and opportunity for a more exciting life. I wish I knew. Ah, if I only knew that it was my way of life that lured him. But now it's too late. I know I can't do anything. Some part of me knows what is coming next. I see it in his movement. But another part of my being, the dreamy part, fails to grasp the reality of the situation I'm in. I'm still imagining that my innocence will protect me. I am still just a girl, reaching my muddy hands trying to catch the sun, the moon, the stars... I'm still trying to fly on the wings of my imagination and go far far away from here. But that's not possible, I'm not the same little girl anymore and he's not the man I imagined him to be...
-Please ... - I whispered in the softest voice I could manage. I'm unable to say anything more, from the fear and the pain. Just a second ago I felt the worst beating in my life. He just laughed maliciously while he did that to me, and his face turned into a distorted, ominous mask. At that point, the man I once knew turned into a giant in my eyes. He's now dark and evil and he's smiling as my tears fall down my face. Maybe... Maybe I can get away from this, maybe it's all a dream. Maybe I'll open my eyes and I'll once again be in a normal reality where I love him and he loves me.
- Oh, Desiree... You asked for this, don't you know it? - He said and I sobbed even harder, crawling back from him. It can't be real. When I open my eyes, everything will be as before. Except it isn't. Oh... when I opened my eyes his face was still in front of me, so close now that I could feel his breath. I frowned at the smell of alcohol and tried to escape but the only thing that happened was that he managed to grab my arm and push me on the bed.
I screamed horrified. No. Oh God no... I don't like this. Please just not this... My blood froze in my veins as I felt his body hanging over me and his hands roughly grabbing my thighs, pulling me towards him. I began to weep uncontrollably, afraid of the beast in front of me. No, God, please. Please, God. I repeated to myself as my mouth filled with the salty taste of tears. I can't stand this. I beg all the Gods that exist, every Saint known to save me from this horror. As time went on I realized that his disgusting hands had now torn my thin dress and then I screamed with all my might, begging him to stop. I begged him to remember our life together. To remember even a small part of love I believed existed. Rough hands grabbed me, holding me in place so that I couldn't move.
- Please... Ple... Please... Please don't. Please! I'm begging you! Don't do this to me. If you've ever... ever loved me... Don't... - It seemed to me that my words are lost somewhere in the air. As I look more closely into the situation I am in, I realize there is no getting out of it. My words can't help me. Uncontrollable sobs are coming out of me, destroying me and making me feel so useless. Lord have mercy. I know I have sinned, but please Lord. I just want this to end. I want him to go far away. Far away from here, away from being me.
- Mmmm...you smell so good. I've always been fascinated by the way you smell. It's kind of... you smell.. like home. - He began to laugh insanely, and I think my heart stopped from the sound. More tears and sobs came from me while I was trying to get rid of his body.
- So beautiful... Desiree... -he has brought the face to mine and I closed my eyes, trying to block this kind of agony. This pain. I felt his breath with the smell of vodka and it sent chills down my body. I feel sick. I feel nauseous. I just want to disappear. If only I could disappear... His hands grabbed my breasts squeezing them tightly and I squealed in pain. He descended wet kisses on my face and I just turned my head, trying to escape.
- There's nowhere to go birdy... This is the end of your flight. I'll be the one to take your wings. - I still have not opened my eyes, not wanting to meet his. God, take me away. Far away from here. In the cloud. When I was young, I lived in misery and pain but I had a secret place... The place that was just mine. I imagined going there whenever I was trying to fall asleep in pain and with an empty stomach. It was my sacred corner. My place is far away in the clouds and stars. Where are all the people are made from smoke, and they look like stardust floating around me. I was happy there. I was floating around clouds, far away from all the problems of the world... But now I can't go there. He's pinning me on the bed and I can't move, my mind is stuck with his foul breath and rough hands.
Suddenly my secret world is collapsing. Like a castle made of glass, one broken piece is pulling the whole building down. Now it all crashes. Falling on me. Cutting me. Bringing me back to reality from which I struggle to escape. One punch fell to my head and I just squealed powerless to defend myself, to try anything. Another, and another punch, and finally I started choking on my own blood.
- You're a whore Desiree. Whore! You know what you did! You asked for this! - He's yelling in my ear angrily and I felt scared for my life. Maybe this is the end. If he does what I think he will, then I hope this is the end. Then he will most likely kill me. More blows landed on my body and I felt dizzy and as if the whole room started to shake. I still feel the metallic taste of blood in my mouth and I'm sure I'll vomit. I can't handle it.
His lips found mine and I tried to push him away but he just painfully bit my lip so it stopped me for a bit. I'm now choking on my sobs and tears while his arms harass my body. I feel... defeated, helpless... I know this will pass but I don't feel like that's true. Slowly, I closed my eyes and ignored all the pain I felt. His hands continued to explore my body, tore off the last piece of clothing that was hiding me from him, and now I knew there wasn't stopping. It's over for me. I can just lie there and let things happen. I am completely unable to prevent this. Calming my sobs I just pray for a quick death. Shortly after that, I felt a sharp pain in the lower part of my body. Tears of betrayal and pain are now rolling down my face. I'm crying for my fate, crying for my innocence...
(dream ends)
- Desiree... Desiree, Desiree... - I slowly started to come to my senses as I woke up from a familiar nightmare. It's like, I can still feel his touch. I still remember all of it as it happened mere moments ago. Slowly I opened my eyes, feeling a certain emptiness. I always feel that way after this dream. It's like I'm missing a part of myself and I'll never get it back.
Sometimes I ask myself if it was worth it to move on after that. Just when it seems life will get better, I have to pay a big price. Unfortunately, I think I overpaid. There is nothing in my life that is worth all that pain. That event rendered me useless, broken...
- ... Desiree? - I came back to reality and looked at the person in front of me. I forgot about him. His face looks even worse now in daylight. I looked at Damien, still a bit restless from my dream. I feel violated like he witnessed something he shouldn't. I'm used to dreaming this, but I'm not used to other people being next to me when I wake up. Damien is looking at me with a frightened expression. Of course, he is frightened. He must have heard me, who knows what I said while I was asleep.
- Desiree... Are you okay? - He asked in some low voice and I swallowed. I hate pity. This sympathetic look that everyone has when they realize how broken I am. Like I am some frigtened child. Maybe they are right. I was always afraid of something, or someone. Afraid of my father, my new guardian, a teacher at an orphanage, my new parents, Alexander... And now when I'm on my own, now it seems that I'm afraid of everything. I'm afraid of contact, intimacy, memories... so many things upset me that I'm wondering If it's worth it. I couldn't change that about myself. I am broken. You can repair broken things but not fully. They are fragile after that, they will eventually break again.
- Yes... Why wouldn't I be? Why do you ask? - I asked pretending nothing happened. Okay, I know I was probably screaming in my sleep or crying but I hope he will accept if I say it was just a bad dream. A hell of a bad dream.
- It's nothing, doesn't matter. Maybe one day you'll be ready to tell me. - He slightly smiled at me and moved his hand toward my face. The memories crossed my mind and mingled with the bad things that happened with Damien and I yanked back from his hands. He retreated his hand and looked at me now with full pity and with an astonished face. I can't stand it. I got up quickly from the bed and walked out.
- I'll go get you something to eat and maybe even something for you to change into. You just rest here, I will bring you everything. I also need to clean your wounds afterward. - He nodded slightly and smiled without getting up from the bed. I answered with a slight smile and went to the bathroom. After a quick shower, I wore jeans and a plain T-shirt and made us something to eat. I have to admit that Damien bothers me, I don't like that he's here. I am worried about his injuries, and I feel like he's in serious trouble. Who knows what he's into? Last night was also a mistake. I view him in a different light and I don't like it. He will hurt me again and I will let him. I know everyone has a good and bad side, but Damien is not in full control of his emotions. He's getting angry over small things really fast. I shouldn't be around such fragile people. But what can I do? I can't throw him out now, this has gone too far. It made me sigh as I put his omelet on a plate and prepared to bring it to him.
- Are you okay now? How are your wounds? - I asked with no emotion, trying not to show concern. Damien smiled slightly and began to eat.
- It's okay. I will endure. - From that moment we ate in silence. It seems that somehow the atmosphere in the room became tense. I do not know where we stand now, are we closer or still keeping a distance from each other? After last night everything feels strange.
- Desiree? -
- What? - I looked at him wide-eyed surprised that he spoke to me. I certainly did not expect that he would try to ease the tension in the room.
- I'll be on my way tomorrow, don't worry. I do not want to get you into trouble. - I rolled my eyes at it and tightened my lips.
- It's a little late for that. You're here now and you can stay until you feel better. I still don't understand why you came here, but well... - I said arrogantly and picked up all the food and went to the kitchen. After a while, I felt his breath on my neck. I wanted to jump away but I remembered that he wouldn't hurt me.
- You shouldn't get out of the bed. You'll never recover if you act like this. -
- I'm sorry I'm creating problems for you. I know you don't deserve it, and trust me I do want to keep you out of the trouble. - He's whispering softly in my ear. My heart started pounding hard and I am not sure what to do. Should I say that everything is okay and move on? Or throw him out? Or start a fight? I shouldn't say anything. Now that he's here I should help him and forget about our fights, but I won't bond with him.
- Stop it, Damien. I just want a quiet day, ok? I can't change the fact that you got here. Let's make this day somewhat bearable, and try to get along. - I felt a bit more relaxed and smiled at him trying to lighten the mood. I worked on my behavior when I was away. You can't control other people, but you can control yourself. I just balanced everything in my life and Damien won't ruin it.
- Hmm... interesting. I must say I'm impressed with your rational thinking. And honey, of course, we can get along. I am looking forward to it. - He said sarcastically and winked at me. I rolled my eyes and I'm again mad at myself. How can I get along with him when he's behaving like a child? As an immature child! He only does things to spite me! Agh, I despise him!
- Do not make me regret this, Damien. - I said with a sour smile and Damien came up closer and put his arms around my waist. I scowled at him dissatisfied with this act of intimacy.
- Oh, do not worry, Princess. There's no way you'll regret it. - He whispered that in my ear making me shake in discomfort and something else. I slowly moved away from him.
- Damien, know your limits! - I said with a normal voice but warned him.
- Ah, kitty. You are not interesting, but that's okay. We'll do something that you consider fun and I'll stick to the limits, alright? - He asked me, making an innocent face and he's pissing me off now. I don't know how will we be able to not fight.
- Ok Damien. Although with your wounds we are not able to do many things. Let's watch a movie. You choose. - I smiled and took his hand to come with me to the living room. When I helped Damien take a seat, he decided to watch "The Avengers". I was really into the film and it was very exciting for me until about halfway through the film when my cell phone rang. I looked and saw it was Zachary. Damien is watching a movie but I see his curious glances at me. I decided to take the call. I shouldn't let Damien stop me from leading a normal life right now.
- Yes... -
- Hey, Desiree, it's Zachary. - I rolled my eyes. Of course, I know who's calling me. I mean, he's my boss and even a friend, of course, I have his number. It's not the first time he's called me.
- Zachary, I know it's you. We've known each other for months now and of course, I have memorized your phone number. Forget it. What do you want Zachary? - I asked him sarcastically and looked at Damien, who snorted a little, but he continued to watch the movie. Okay...
- I'm sorry Miss Smartass, I forgot who I'm dealing with. - He said sarcastically and once again brought a smile to my face.
- What can I do? I'm always smart, it comes naturally to me. You don't know how is it, you haven't experienced it. - I heard him laugh, and I knew I won this battle of wits.
- Well so be it. I can't argue with you. I just wanted to stop by to see you. Also, I have some job-related things to ask you. - I pursed my lips, thinking of what to do. What am I going to do with Damien?
- Am... Zach, can it wait for a couple of days? I would like to rest for a while, I took my leave. I don't want to handle business now.
- Well... It's a bit of an emergency. I wouldn't call you if it wasn't. We have some problems, it's not major but I want to get it over with quickly, otherwise, I will think about it all the time. - I hate when he starts mumbling. I know that this can't be so urgent. Probably it's not even an important matter, but he just wants to shove it in my nose because I didn't go to work. But what can I say? I have no choice and he has a point. I was absent from work for a while, and I should make up for that.
- Fine. When should I expect you? - I asked grimly and rolled my eyes.
- I'm about five minutes away... See you soon.- I opened my eyes wide realizing how soon will he be here. As I turned to Damien, I found him already watching me with a serious face and obvious curiosity. I have a bad feeling about this...