Scarlet had cried all the way to her neighborhood and her feet now moved slowly towards her home. She did not want to believe what Adam said at first but it was later she started to realize he might be saying the truth.
As she neared her home, Johan, who had been waiting for her to return, sighted her and looked down at his watch, looking unhappy as he saw her approaching. After she left in anger earlier, he wanted to follow but then, he changed his mind, knowing it was just a performance and that she won't stay long, but he was wrong.
Before Scarlet would head up to her house, he stood in the way and said to her, "I thought you said it was just a performance you were going to watch, well, I guess it wasn't after all. I just want to tell you that if you decide to keep going like this, then there is nothing more I can do than watch you get hurt. Don't say I didn't warn you. I tried my best to stop you."
He waited for at least a response from her before he would start leaving but he noticed that her head has been buried down since she came back and she has not looked into his eyes. She was unusually quiet this time and he heard her sniff.
Feeling concerned, he asked, "Are you okay?"
Scarlet raised her head slowly, eyes puffed from crying as she looked at Johan.
"Scarlet," Johan called immediately and his face suddenly changed to anger. "Did Adam do this to you? Tell me, did he hurt you?" he demanded.
Scarlet looked at him with teary eyes and she almost scoffed at him.
"Tell me it's not true," she said to him.
"What?"
"Tell me I wasn't a game for you to play during those six months we were together!" she raised her voice at him and sniffed again.
Johan's jaw dropped and he looked at her with guilt.
"S-Scarlet I…" he stuttered.
"Why?" Scarlet asked as fresh tears started pouring down her face again. "H-How could you do that to me?" her voice shuddered.
"Scarlet I'm sorry," he apologized. "I know, I feel bad about it too and that is the reason I had to end it."
"After six months? Is that a joke to you?" she asked. "Was I a joke to you?"
Johan had a look of remorse on his face and it was clear to Scarlet that he knew what he did, but it was all hard to believe, that he had used her, played her, made a fool out of her, and after everything, he dumped her.
"You were never a joke to me Scarlet. I really did feel something for you."
"And when was that? After you realized I was too innocent and easy to take advantage of?" she asked. "You know, I get what your explanation will be. That I was a bet at first and then you felt what you were doing was wrong and you decided to break it off with a kiss because it was then you really felt something for me," she said with hurt in her eyes. Sniffing back tears, she wiped her face with her palm and took in a breath before releasing it.
"Johan," she called and swallowed hard. "Did you ever love me?" she asked.
Johan could not look into her eyes or bring himself to respond. Instead, he blamed himself for everything that happened.
Seeing that he won't respond, Scarlet shook her head and said, "I guess I was just a disposable person after all," and after saying that, she started heading inside.
After scarlet shut the door behind her, she stayed there and after few seconds, she heard receding footsteps. He was leaving, she thought and she could not stop reflecting on everything. A sob escaped her lips and she covered her mouth so as not to alert her mother.
"Scarlet," she heard her mother's voice calling her from the room. "Is that you?" she asked.
Scarlet quickly sniffed back the tears and she wiped her eyes again.
"Scarlet?" her mother called again and it seem she was about to leave the room.
"Yes mom," she quickly answered in a normal voice and she started to head upstairs, feeling the pain bubbling up her chest.
"I told you to be back before ten. You are late," she pointed out and came out of the room at once, standing just several feet away and face to face with her.
Scarlet faked a smile and she said, "I got caught up with something and I am very tired right now. I think I'll just go in and sleep. Goodnight mom."
Before her mother would say anything else, Scarlet was already closing the door to her room and she leaned against it with her head hung back a bit. She bit down on her lip to avoid crying as she stared up at the ceiling. She could already hear her mother closing the door to her own room and a sigh escaped her lips.
Scarlet brought her head back down and her eyes fell on her desk and on the cover of her diary which peeked out from between the books. She wanted to go over and pen something down, like she always does, but this time, something was different. It was as if the more she keeps thinking about writing in her diary, the more something keeps telling her that she is dependent on it, that she can't be herself, or will never be. It is either she writes it down or tell someone about it.
At the thought of that, Melanie came to her mind and she brought out her phone before dialing her number again. The call didn't go through so she sent her a direct message.
Scarlet could see she had notifications but she did not bother reading what it was about, instead, she shut down her phone and stared back at her desk.
Something just does not seem right with Melanie, but she does not know what it is and she can't reach her still. But it was not only Melanie. Everything about this evening just doesn't seem right. Why did she have to learn about the reason Johan doesn't want her with Adam? Why did Adam have to come to her in the first place and expose Johan later on? Was it because she said she was not interested in him? Then, was their friendship never really true? Was she only being used over and over again? And why is Damien different from the person she thought he was? But most of all, why did she have to go to the performance in the first place?
Maybe she should never have gone, she thought. Maybe she should never have turned Adam down. Maybe she should never have met him in the first place. Maybe she should never have been too curious. Maybe if she did all that, she won't be feeling the pain of being used, the pain of betrayal. Even now, there is a pain of being lonely, of having the feeling that it is you against the world, no one to depend on, or even a thing.
Pushing her body away from the door, she moved her feet towards the bed and climbed on it. The moment her face hit the surface, all the pains and anger she felt was let out and she cried silently, curling her body and letting her tears soak the cover.
Breakup hurts but finding out the reason behind it is the worst.
*
The morning sun streamed in through the window and Scarlet stood in front of it, eyes raw from crying, exhausted and staring directly at the sun. She could feel her eyes itching and the pains from her skin, but she didn't move away or protect herself.
It was not long ago that she turned her phone back on and checked to see if Melanie's message was already waiting for her, but that was not the case. Melanie had read the message and ignored it. She didn't even call back.
The message she had sent last night was; "Adam told me you had gone home early. And there is something I have to talk to you about. Call me when you see this."
Something must have happened last evening, something that involves her, and now, even her best friend is not someone she can talk to at the moment.
Now that leaves her with an only option. Self-harm. Her body has been reacting to the sun in a way she doesn't understand, but what if it is actually the best thing she needs to overcome the pain she is feeling at the moment?
The door to her room opened and Scarlet quickly pulled the curtain close before turning to face her mother who stared at her with a questionable look.
"What are you doing?" her mother asked. "You are supposed to be helping with breakfast."