'Sometimes, I feel my mother ruin things for me, but deep down, I know she is just a mother who cares a lot about her daughter', Scarlet thought as she was busy washing the dishes. 'Sometimes, I hate her. Other times, I can't help but to love her and hate that I hated her. It is complicated. We are both complicated.'
Scarlet turned off the running tap and wiped her hands dry before moving to the extended table to grab the water she had placed there earlier. Taking off the lid, she prepared to gulp down the entire content down her throat but the moment it touched her tongue, her whole body rejected it and she spat it back into the glass.
Scarlet knew something was not right the moment she could not bring herself to drink the water and she only stared at it, weirdly. There was something strange about the water that she could not even fathom the idea of digesting it, and yet, she felt thirsty.
Her mother entered just in time as she was busy staring into the water and a small frown came to settle on her forehead.
"Scarlet," she called.
Scarlet raised her head up gently and her eyes followed the direction of the sound. There, she saw her mother, eyes curiously looking at her and down at what she was holding, but Scarlet's eyes moved a bit to the side of her face and down to her neck.
Scarlet's stare was intense and she could feel every urge in her coming alive, but she tried as much as possible to suppress it because one part of her knew it was very wrong and abnormal but another part of her was telling her it was what she needed.
"Scarlet!"
Her mother's stern voice startled her, bringing her back to reality and she unintentionally dropped the glass that was in her hand, shattering it to pieces and spilling the water as soon as it made contact with the floor.
She looked down at the mess she had done and she raised her head to look at her mother who held a deep frown.
"I will clean it up," she said to her mother, as if that was the next thing to do at the moment, or as if nothing had happened barely few seconds ago. But in truth, she was disoriented and could not think of anything else as a distraction.
As she made to go down and start picking up the pieces, she heard her mother ask;
"What was that just now?"
"What was…what?" Scarlet asked, looking back at her and pretending not to know what she was talking about.
But her mother can't be fooled easily because she caught on it quickly.
"Was something in the water?" she asked.
"No, it—"
"Scarlet, you can't drop things carelessly especially a glass like that," her mother said as a warning and also sounding worried. "What if you get hurt?" she asked and hurried over to her side with a napkin she grabbed from the stand next to her.
Scarlet parted her lips and blinked in confusion, unsure of what to say or do and when she saw her mother bend down to clean the water, she also attempted to help.
"No don't move, just stay like that."
Scarlet did as she was told and her mother gathered all the pieces around her. When she saw that she was done, she moved over to the other side and she picked on her fingers nervously.
"Scarlet," her mother's worried voice called and Scarlet raised her eyes to look at her.
"Yes mom?" Scarlet answered, hoping her voice didn't sound too awkward.
"Are you fine? Are you feeling dizzy or unwell?" she asked.
Scarlet shook her head immediately and said, "I'm fine. The glass just slipped because my palm was wet."
Scarlet could see that her mother did not look convinced enough and the next second, she heard her say, "The broken ceramic at school that day…did you—"
"Are you asking if I broke it?" Scarlet asked before she could complete what she was saying. "Mom, how can I possibly do that?"
"Then, was it already broken when you got there?" she asked and all Scarlet wanted was to just disappear from her sight and be in her room. "I've been wanting to ask you all these while," her mother continued, "what Melanie told me that day was that it was the sound of something shattering that led her into the restroom and she found you lying on the floor with broken pieces of the basin and she said when you woke up, you didn't remember what happened."
"Then are you saying I broke it? That it slipped from my hands just like the glass just now?"
"Scarlet, I need to know if something is wrong with you."
"And I said I am fine!" Scarlet raised her voice this time as a feeling of anger swept through her.
Her mother looked at her with wide eyes, not expecting her to yell at her like that.
"You ask me if I am fine or doing alright and I tell you I am fine, every time! You don't let me do things someone my age is supposed to and I get it. You still think something is wrong with me, because of what happened that day," she pointed out and her eyes was starting to tear up. "Every little thing I do, you inspect. You never treated me like someone who is normal after that day. Is it my fault that I do not remember what happened? Do you think it's my fault that dad had to die? Then if you want answers to that, I will make sure I try and think hard and give them to you," she said and stormed away from the place, feeling mad that her mother had to bring up the incident of her passing out and feeling remorse for talking about the death of her father to her face in such manner.
When she got to her room, she let out few deep breath and walked towards her bed. Picking her phone, she dialed Melanie's number again for the fifth time that day but it didn't go through and she gave up trying. It was then she remembered her diary.
"I was wrong, about Adam, about Johan, about Damien, about depending on something when I am hurt…about myself," she started to pen down on a fresh page. "I was wrong about everything. About last night's performance…I keep thinking to myself that maybe it would have been better if I didn't go. Maybe then, I won't have to hear the truth and confirm it from Johan himself. It was that moment I understood the reason he was trying to keep me away from Adam. He was actually trying to keep me away from knowing the truth."
Scarlet stared at the page and bit the inside of her lower lip. So much has happened within few hours and she wanted to pen it all down, but it felt too burdensome for her to do so. Holding the pen firmly again, she resumed writing, "I must have wronged Melanie in some way because she hasn't been picking my calls or replying my messages. I don't know what I did wrong, but what I do know is that I am left all alone to battle this all by myself. Of course, I feel very hurt and betrayed. I feel so used and disposed. I feel like my life, love-life and friendship were all a lie. None of it was sincere or true. In the end, it's just me…again. Mother is worried about me and there is something I am also worried about her finding out."
Scarlet thought back on what happened at school the day she passed out. She still does not understand fully what had happened back at the restroom or what she had done to the basin. All she remembers was a feeling of her hand been rooted as she was trying to stop the voices in her head and the next she knew was waking up in infirmary. Another strange incident was the itching on her body and burn she felt in her eyes when it had contact with the sun. Then the recent one she discovered was very scary. It was when she was staring at her mother before the glass fell. She had seen a clear vision of her veins and the blood pumping in her neck and all she could think of at that moment was to dive right in. Somehow, it had something to do with her thirst and it seems to her that it was more energizing than water and it was just what she needed.
She panicked at the thought of everything and she picked up the pen again to start writing.
"I am changing. Something about me does not seem right. I don't know what it is, but I hope it's not too late before I find out. Till then, I want to be my normal self. I want to forget all about Johan and make up with Melanie. Also, I don't want to be a burden to mother. I know she is already having it hard. I shouldn't have said what I said."
Scarlet closed the diary and buried her head down on the table.
"I'm sorry mom," she said with closed eyes, "I really am."