Fyodor had tossed and turned around whole night. He even tried counting sheeps to fall asleep, even though he found it ridiculous and childish, but it didn't work. It was like there was a huge war in his mind. All of his personalities were talking at the same time. He covered his ears. "Please, please..." He begged. "I want to sleep. Please shut up." He repeated these words as the voices began louder.
"You should have died long time ago. What is the point of keep of living? You won't have a good future."
The voice was laughing sadistically. Fyodor frowned. "Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up!" He repeatedly said. "This is not true. You are just trying to make me give up on life!"
"Am I lying?"
The voice laughed again.
"Your mother hates you. Your cousin who adored you once is now scared of you. I bet your beloved father is ashamed of you after what you did and I'm sure your dear sister Nastasya hates you as well. Do you think they will accept you even if you get out of here? You were nothing but a burden to them."
Fyodor clutched the sheets so hard that his knuckles turned white. "No! This is not true!"
"Nothing good will happen to you."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
That night, Fyodor was not the only one who couldn't sleep. Dazai couldn't sleep either. Whenever he closed his eyes, he would see Chuuya in his dreams. In his dreams Chuuya was walking to the sea not without looking at Dazai even once. No matter how much Dazai called out his name, Chuuya didn't stop and no matter how fast Dazai ran he couldn't catch Chuuya.
When he woke up, he noticed he was crying. He looked aside and saw Mieko was sleeping by his side. Probably she had a bad dream or she was scared for some reason and had climbed to the bed. He stroked Mieko's long, curly, ginger hair. She was beautiful already. She looked so much like Chuuya that it both made Dazai happy and made his heart ache.
She had kicked off the blanket on her again. She always did that several times in a night and Dazai would cover her with blanket again. He covered Mieko with blanket again and checked the time. It was 04.30 in the morning and maybe he could try to sleep a little more, even if it is only for one hour...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dazai's bloodshot eyes had caught Odasaku's attention while they were taking Mieko to the daycare. He asked a few times, but Dazai immediately changed the subject. He didn't want to talk about with anyone, even with Odasaku.
Odasaku parked the car in the parking lot of the asylum. "Are you sure that you will be good at work?" He asked, still was worried about Dazai.
"Yes." Dazai let out a sigh. "I will be fine."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Good morning Fyodor." Dazai greeted Fyodor.
Fyodor just nodded his head. He felt too tired to speak.
When he walked into his room and noticed how tired Fyodor looked. His eyes were bloodshot as if he hadn't been sleeping properly for days and his raven hair was messy. Dazai hadn't noticed, but now he could clearly see that Fyodor was really skinny. 'Of course he doesn't eat well either.' Dazai thought to himself. "You look tired today." Dazai said, he was worried about Fyodor. Fyodor was his patient and it was normal that he was worried about him. He tried to convince himself like that, but he knew that it was more than just being worried about a patient.
"I couldn't sleep last night." Fyodor said with a flat tone.
"Why?" Dazai asked.
Fyodor, being happy for he could finally found someone who was listen to him, was about talk with him about the voices in his head. 'Are you out of your mind?' The voice scolded him. 'If you tell him about us, he will think that you are crazy.' Fyodor knew the voice was right. Dazai was a normal person. He was not better than the others. He would just judge him. That's why he remained quiet.
Dazai waited for a reply patiently, but Fyodor didn't talk. However, Dazai was not going to give up that easily. "Fyodor." Dazai spoke with a harder voice, slowly losing his temper. "I asked you a question. You better answer me." This was not the way he would usually prefer to use while he was talking with his patient, but he couldn't deny the fact that it was working on his stubborn patients.
However, it didn't work on Fyodor, because he was still silent. He wasn't looking at Fyodor, he was just playing with a strand of his hair, twirling it between his fingers. 'If you tell him about us, he will think that you are crazy.' The words of the voice were going through his mind.
Dazai took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down. He was starting to getting annoyed. "Fyodor, are you testing my patience?" No matter how hard he tried he couldn't hide the slight anger in his voice.
Fyodor rolled his eyes. He began getting annoyed as well. These doctors didn't really know leaving someone alone and they were really good at getting into someone's nerves. He looked up, staring straight into Dazai's chocolate brown eyes. "Is your brain too small to understand I don't want to talk about how I feel?" He snapped at Dazai.
Dazai let out a sigh and rubbed his temples a little. He now understood why the other doctors couldn't endure Fyodor that long. He had a short temper and he was a real nuisance. Even though he saw Fyodor only twice, as an expert of analysing people, he could tell this. Dazai sat down on the chair. "Were your parents abusive toward you, Fyodor?"
"That's none of your business." Fyodor said with a cold voice. "Also I don't want to talk about this either! Why don't you just leave me alone?" He yelled.
"I have to know about your childhood to understand you better." Dazai stated. Actually he was scared a little, but he didn't show it on his face. He was stubborn. "If you want me to leave you alone that much, then you better tell me about yourself."
Fyodor rolled his eyes. "I don't want to talk about myself!" He clenched his fists. "Who do you think you are to learn something about me? Can you change my past even if you learn? Do you have a magic wand which change everything and make miracles? No! If you want to do something for me, just leave me alone!"
Dazai let out a deep sigh again, but he was not intended to leave the room. He crossed his arms. "Then what do you want to talk about?" Dazai asked. "I won't leave the room until you talk with me." He added.
"I don't want to talk about anything! Neither with you nor with someone else!" Fyodor screamed at Dazai's face and punched the white, padded wall in anger. "Just leave me alone!" His eyes were filled with tears.
"Fyodor, calm down." Dazai tried to grab Fyodor's wrist to stop him from punching the walls, but Fyodor slapped his hands away.
"Calm down?" Fyodor yelled at him. "Don't you know how much your questions triggered me?" He took a deep breath trying to calm himself down, but he couldn't. "Just go!" His hands were shaking in anger. "Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out!" As he was telling these words over and over, louder every time, tears were streaming down his cheeks.
Dazai was worried that Fyodor would hurt himself. 'I have to do something.' He thought to himself. He began walking to Fyodor slowly. He knew it was dangerous to go close to someone who was having tantrum, but he didn't care because Fyodor was more important than his safety. He hugged Fyodor tightly.
"Let me go!" Fyodor struggled to get free from Dazai's strong hold, panicked for being trapped, but Dazai's hold was too strong for his slim body. His struggles became weaker and weaker after Dazai injected sedative into his arm.
Dazai caught Fyodor when he fell onto his chest and laid him on the bed gently. 'He looks so innocent.' If someone else saw him at that moment, they wouldn't believe that he had a tantrum just a few seconds ago. He let out a sigh. 'I guess your face won't let me sleep tonight, Fyodor...'