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Chapter 6 - Unable To Deny These Strange Feelings

Fyodor's second alter would call herself as 'Enyo'.

Fyodor researched this name before. This was a name derived from the Greek goddess of war, which was symbolic of Fyodor's mentality at that time.

Enyo had a reputation for being formidable force in battle and of bringing chaos, destruction to her enemies. In addition, Enyo was also seen as a symbol of strength, courage and determination, characteristics that Fyodor seeked in his second identity.

Enyo was also a symbol of ambition, a trait that Fyodor tried to embody in his search for a greater purpose in his life. He was willing to take risks and push himself beyond his limits in order to achieve his goals.

He used his newfound identity to become a symbol of hope and strength for those around him and to inspire others to reach for their own dreams.

Enyo had a darker side as well though...

Yes, Enyo definitely did have a darker side... Just like the goddess who had the same name as her was often associated with war and destruction, Fyodor's identity was associated with chaos and was sometimes seen as a personification of chaos. Even if not as much as Yami, she was bloodthirsty, merciless and vengeful.

Enyo was also mysterious just like an open sea. Enyo was unpredictable, her movements and power were unseen; like the salty deep. She could be both naive and dangerous. Enyo was the paradox of beauty and terror, according to Fyodor.

When Enyo had the control, she would carry an aura of mystery and potential that no one could ignore.

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Fyodor would sometimes hear Enyo's voice in his mind. Lustful but also soft and kind... Even if he tried to tell himself that it was just his imagination and it was not real, the feeling he got when he heard Enyo's voice was so real that he knew it was not a figment of his imagination.

Fyodor often would find himself surprised by Enyo's wise and insightful words. He didn't know why but he would feel calmer and more focused whenever he heard Enyo's voice. It seemed like Enyo would give him the strength to move on.

He felt like no matter how lost or confused he was, Enyo would always be there to guide him in the right direction even if the things she said was sometimes meaningless and were definitely a bunch of bad ideas.

He knew Enyo was just helping him, because she could be free as well if Fyodor was free, because they were sharing the same body. Enyo was selfish and she didn't care about Fyodor at all. Fyodor was not sure if she cared someone at all...

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'How boring! How many years do you plan to stay between these padded walls?'

It was Enyo's voice... Fyodor would know this distinct lustful voice even if there was a lot of chaos in his mind.

Fyodor didn't answer. Enyo would get quiet usually if he ignored him. Someone like Enyo would want a constant attention and if she didn't get what she wanted, she would get bored and be quiet eventually.

However, it didn't happen that day...

Enyo continued to talk, her voice was louder and more incessant than ever.

Why aren't you answering me?

She whined like a little girl.

What's wrong with you? You are being rude today!

Clearly she was not used to be ignored or having her questions unanswered. That's why she was whining like a little girl and was accusing Fyodor for being rude.

Fyodor liked it. He just read the book, heavily invested in so he didn't have time questions or her complaining. The book was thoughtful and realistic. It offered an insight into human nature. The struggles of the characters were also believable. The story was compelling and sobering, tackling difficult topics like grief, hope and love.

The story was a reminder for Fyodor to appreciate the moments he had together and the importance of cherishing his loved ones...

Fyodor did love someone... He loved Nikolai more than he could explain... He really loved him and this went without saying...

Fyodor and Nikolai had an incredibly deep and special bond and no one could deny this... They immediately became best friends from the first time they met and they shared their secrets that they wouldn't be able to share with other people.

Their friendship turned into something deeper soon enough.

Nikolai loved Fyodor with all of his identities.

Whenever Fyodor asked Nikolai which of identities was his favorite, Nikolai would answer as Enyo.

When Nikolai died, life lost all meaning for Fyodor... Colors were gone too and everything was gray...

Fyodor didn't notice the tears were streaming down his face until he realized the tears were dripping onto the open page of the book.

This book was Nikolai's book. Fyodor had never understood why until now. The words were blurred now and all he could see was Nikolai's smiling face. Swallowing hard, he closed the book and placed it back on the shelf, next to his other books. The book was now a reminder of the person who had meant the world to him.

Now, Fyodor was filled with sorrow and he was unable to comprehend the unbearable emptiness he felt.

Life was now a dull, colorless void and he was trapped in it.

Everything had changed until the young doctor made his way into Fyodor's life without knocking.

Fyodor had been a lonely man for many years, but Dazai's arrival changed that. He had an aura about him that brought Fyodor out of his depression and before he knew it, he was under the effect of the young doctor.

Fyodor suddenly felt less alone...

His attention was drawn to Dazai, who seemed eager to understand him like no one else ever would.

He found himself feeling something unfamiliar, finding joy that he hadn't felt in years.

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That day Dazai came into the room, Fyodor wasn't looking at him with malice. "Good morning." Dazai said and gave a small smile.

Fyodor smiled back at him, but it was still slightly forced. "Good morning, Dazai. How are you?"

Dazai was surprised even more now. Fyodor had never asked him how he was feeling before. Eventually he snapped out of his thoughts and spoke. "I'm doing well. How about you?"

"I'm fine." Fyodor replied.

Dazai nodded his head and there was a moment of awkward silence between them.

Fyodor's smirk grew wider and he walked to Dazai. He pinned Dazai against the wall. "You don't think I'm crazy, do you?" He asked, he was talking with a lustful tone that Dazai never heard before.

Dazai was silent for a few moments. His heart was beating his chest and his eyes were watchful as he studied Fyodor. He then shook his head, a faint smile tugging at his lips. "No." He said softly. "I know you are not crazy."

Fyodor looked into Dazai's eyes and nodded his head, his own smile was widening as well. He leaned in close to Dazai's ear and whispered softly. "Good." He murmured. "I'm glad you understand." He said and licked Dazai's earlobe.

Dazai let out a moan accidentally. He definitely didn't expect Fyodor to do this. He felt a shiver go down his spine as Fyodor nipped at the side of his neck. Fyodor was still holding Dazai's wrists tightly.

Then he kissed Dazai. The kiss was hesitant at first, but it soon turned passionate. Their lips were exploring each other. As they deepened the kiss, Fyodor let go of Dazai's wrists and pulled Dazai closer by his waist and felt the comforting warmth between them.

In that moment all the worries and pain disappeared.

Dazai felt like he could stay in that moment forever, but then he noticed. He was a doctor and Fyodor was his patient. He had to remember his responsibility and his boundaries. He broke the kiss and with a heavy sigh he spoke. "I will see you tomorrow." He quietly said and gave Fyodor's hand a gentle squeeze.

After Dazai left the room, he felt a wave of sadness flood over him. He was filled with regret for not being able to stay longer in that moment and for not being able to have more time with Fyodor. Dazai let out a deep sigh again as he made his way out of the hospital, feeling more alone than ever before. He wished that he could stay there with Fyodor forever, but unfortunately, his responsibilities required him to leave...