I was losing my mind I couldn't make sense of anything. The bathroom door was locked, and I had lost track of time of how long I had stayed on that floor. Someone knocked on the door, I was sure it was aunt Phindy. "I am still alive, unfortunately "I said that in a low tone, I had lost my voice. I got up and put a gown to cover up my body. "I know you alive. But open up because I miss you and just need to see you "he said. It was my brother Lawndile, he was a year younger than me but we were practically twins.
I couldn't believe my ears, hearing his voice caused my tears to drop all over again." Lwandile? "I asked him to make sure." Yes my ugly half, so baby please open the door " he said ,while knocking .Everyone in my family called me baby ,I sort of got used to it . When I unlocked the door he already had his arms ready for me to find refuge in them. When he gave me that hug I felt protected and most of all I could feel the love. He held me tight like that for as long as I needed.
He took me by hand to my room "you better get dressed, our parents are here "he said that as he closed the door behind him. I sighed because I was just not ready to deal with them. I went downstairs, praying that they had changed in just the few days I had been away from home. When I entered the room there was a lot of tension filling the room it seems mom was crying I could tell her puffy eyes and red cheeks.
As soon as I entered the lounge, she ran to hug me." My baby oh my poor baby "she said that while wiping her tears .I just stood still for some time until I gave the hug back. She held me tight for a long time. This was the first time I ever experienced this kind of care from my mom. That special moment was ruined by Joseph, my dad. "Martha oh please cut it out! She wanted this, who walks at night in this God Forsaken place "he said pulling my mom away from me.
I am guessing you understand now why I called my house a glorified cage. This is the main reason I left home. I just looked at him, eyes filled with hatred." Father "I said staring right into his eyes." So again my getting raped is my fault, is there anything I don't do wrong? Huh? "I was shouting right at him, looking him in the eye. I was not scared anymore, I was no longer going to be quiet even though I was hurting. It was about time I spoke and maybe get rid of the wrecking balls inside my head.
He stood up and gave me one hot clap across the face .Everybody in the house stared at me, to observe what I would do next. My mom just sat there. What was I thinking saying maybe she had changed and maybe grown a backbone? Lwandi just looked at me with those sympathetic eyes but was powerless to do anything. Maybe it was about time I unleashed the anger in me. "Why do you hate me so much? I don't understand." I just altered those words and went back upstairs locked my room and got into bed.
Waking up in the middle of the night with sore throat I had to get myself a glass of water .Not that I had any sleep. I kept having nightmares that left me in a cold sweat. I dragged my feet to the kitchen, passing by the spare room where my parents were at. The door was slightly opened and they were arguing. I thought it was not my place to eavesdrop. I got some water and walked back. That time it seemed my mom was crying, something's never changed.
Curiosity got the better of me; I peeped through the crack of the door and listened to what was their argument about. "Joe I don't know how long you willing to punish me for this mistake I made years ago, I was young!" My mom said, and her voice was all cracked and broken. "For as long as that outcome of your adultery is around, I will remind you of what you did 3 days before our wedding " he replied. I was confused on what they were on about, but one part I understood is that my mom cheated. That came as a shock because she was always this perfect, obedient wife.
There was silence for sometime, so I assume the show was over. I tip toed getting away from the door." You don't have to be that hard on her "my mom said in a low tone. I knew the " her " she referred to was me . " she is not my child ,and her behavior makes it hard for me to forget it ." those words came out of his mouth . The glass I had in my hand gone crashing to the floor broke into million pieces. That's exactly how my life was at that moment .A broken glass with a thousand pieces missing.
My mom rushed to open the door, she found me trying to pick up the pieces of the glass. I was battling my tears. Her eyes were wide open because of shock as for Joe he was not bothered. "Excuse me ' I said that as I dropped those bits and pieces of glass on the floor and rushed to my room. Locked it and went on my knees, leaned against the door. Tears falling down my eyes uncontrollably and gasping for air, since it was difficult to breath.
At least finding out the truth, answers the question I had for all these years "Why did my father hate me so much? ". You know your life is messed up when you realize it was all a lie, the life you knew everything was based on a lie. I didn't even know who I was anymore .I was no longer part of family ,didn't even know my real surname ,or my dad . But maybe that was a blessing in disguise; I didn't have to be associated with that excuse of a man called Joe.
Everything made sense now. Everything that happened growing up now made sense. All those birthdays he would forget, and would come back drunk with no care in the world. All the hard labor he made me does. All those Christmas morning when I woke up with my brother, racing to the tree to open those presents. When we get there, there would only be boxes with Lwandile's name on them . I remember asking him every time as a little girl " Daddy what did you get for me ? " ,but he never answered . But today I know the answer . I was getting punished for my mom's affair ,for not being his flesh and blood .
I went back to the broken mirror .Now it was blurry than before . I ran my fingers down that broken mirror ,trying to find my reflection . Every answer you get for one question ,leaves another unanswered, " Who am I ? " .