It was midnight ,and my brain was exhausted from analyzing things ,luckily I had sleeping tablets . When I had them at the palm of my hand ,I thought twice of gulping them all up and free myself from all worries . But I knew that would be selfish towards Lwandile ,yes that is the only person who kept me sane . I thought to myself " Lord I am giving you one more chance ,if you send another obstacle to ruin me , I am taking my life ! " .
Waking up every morning ,having to carry on with life was a curse. Saturday morning I stumbled upon bags and suitcases ,and outside the engine was running . As soon as I got to the lounge ,Lwandile gave me one tight hug and whispered " Don't you worry ,in 3 months' time after my finals I will be back " .I held on to him tightly " call me everyday " I replied . He went out . My mom tried to reach out to hug me but I just pushed her away .
" You always do this, you side with him ... what about me ,your child ? " I said that trying to hold my tears in . The fact is I needed her to be there ,her love ,her care and just her presence . "Martha let's go ,we got church tomorrow !" He said grabbing her arm . She was caught between me and Joe , but her feet kept on moving backwards showing she had made her decision ." Martha ? " Said Aunt Phindy while she stood beside me ,gently brushing my back .
" I'm sorry but I have a duty " she said that and turned her back on me ." Mother if you walk out of my life now ,knows one thing you will never be allowed back " she turned and looked at me " you don't mean that ,I'm your mother " . I just looked at her " Mother ? you are dead to me and you don't deserve to be called a mother ,I pity Lwandile ." I said that wiping my tears . She walked out and I went up to slam the door after her ,I was serious she was dead to me ,dead ! Aunt Phindy was there to hug me and wipe my tears .
The month ended , a new one began and I was still miserable . My Aunt Phindy had been great so far .Took time off work to care for me , made sure I don't do anything silly . She had been driving me to my therapy sessions . They were not helping , I would just get so annoyed and mad at all those questions .But having Aunt Phindy there helped a lot . And Lewis came around to ask for forgiveness ,but I just was not so kind .
It was the last day of Aunt Phindy's leave . And it marked thirty days after my rape . The day I wish would not come . I had to go back to the doctor so I can get back my blood test results . I was so afraid ,Lord knows I was going insane thinking of what might happen .I hadn't shed a single tear ever since my mom left , I knew I had to man up . OKAY ! Maybe I did cry during the nightmares I had .
Woke up in the morning with my rosary in my hand . Funny how we then to faith when life gets tough . I had been caressing it all night . I went on my knees to pray that the lord don't forsake me when I needed him the most .When I opened my eyes ,Aunt Phindy was by the door ." The doctor just called, you must get ready " she made a huge sigh and walked away . I could see she was also worried .
The drive to the hospital was long and draining to the soul . When we got there we had to wait. Sitting there I was biting my nails ,tapping my feet ,trying to distract myself . Finally Doctor Houton came towards us and he had a smile ,but when he saw me it faded . Now then and there I was sure ,he came baring bad news .
" Please come in " he said showing us the way . We got in and sat down . The anticipation was killing me . " Please put me out of my misery " I said busy tapping my hands . We had to do the same old ,annoying counseling session before I received my results . " Your results for HIV came back negative ,but " he looked at me . My heart was then pounding fast ,as if it was about to jump out my mouth ." But ? " Said Aunt Phindy "The results have showed us that you are pregnant " he replied hesitantly .
Walking out of that hospital everything was black and white ,I was walking around like a zombie . We got in to the car I already knew what to do . God had just given me the sign that he no longer needed me in the face of his earth . Tears just filled my eyes ,while I was rubbing my tummy . Aunt Phindy did not say a word but just played some music and drove us home. Got home told Aunt Phindy I was tired and went to my room .
I sat on my bed with tears streaming down my face ,wetting the page I was writing my last words on . I had my rosary around my neck and put on my best out fit ever . I was done I had enough of that miserable life . Today I was going to end it ,I did not have the courage to murder this child by performing an abortion that would haunt me for the rest of my life . I placed it on the bedside table . I went out to look for my Aunt , whom I found napping on the couch .
It was midday and the road was quite empty . So I walked to the railway line whilst listening to music ,and I couldn't stop the tears . When I got there it was quite ,clear and quiet . I got a piece of mind . I kept on staring at my tummy . On the internet of my phone ,I found the verse that I absolutely loved ,still do ,psalms 25 . Whilst reading I was interrupted by the vibrating rails ,and I heard the sound of the train and knew it was time.
I knelt in the middle of the railway . Chucked my phone to the grass on the side . From afar I could spot the train and it was coming my way fast . I was so afraid of what was about to happen ,the pain I would feel . To make things worse if I die, will I be going to a better place or . " Beep ,Beeeep " went off the hooter of the train . That was my last chance to decide was I really doing this . There was no turning back .
I couldn't breathe and my heart ,I was all sweaty . I closed my eyes and got prepared to death ." Beep ,Beep " from the sound of it ,it was close but I chose to ignore it . I was ready to get smashed up into pieces ." Lorna ! " . I didn't get the chance to open my eyes but somebody dragged me of the rails to the side . I slowly opened my eyes and there he was ,Lewis . He was breathing heavily ,and the train above my head going by really fast .