Vevina was quiet throughout the meal. Elaine attempted to converse with her, but after several failed attempts she simply patted her hand and advised in a whisper that everything would be all right.
Vevina did not believe her. How could anything be all right when her wife openly rejected her again and again? And she worried when she didn't see her stepfather in the great hall for the evening meal. Robert was a boastful man and delighted in the fact that he was the father-in-law of the future clan Chieftain. His absence told her that he was off somewhere brooding, and no good came of his brooding. She would need to be on guard, for her stepfather was a devious man, and one who certainly couldn't be trusted.
Normally, she waited for her wife to announce that they would take their leave. However, she could not bare another moment of sly glances and whispers. She wanted to be gone, off to hide, as most would assume, and wallow in pity. But she simply wanted peace of mind and heart for the remainder the night.
She placed a gentle hand on Astrid's arm where she sat beside her. "Astrid."
She turned, not to stare at her, but rather at her hand where it lay lightly on her forearm. After several seconds passed she finally looked at Vevina.
"I am not feeling well..."
"What is wrong?" Astrid asked anxiously, and took her hand in hers.
Her golden eyes filled with concern, and Vevina thought perhaps it was a trick of light from the flames in the fireplace, and so she held her gaze. Astrid's concern didn't vanish, but appeared to grow with worry.
"Vevina?" she questioned nervously.
Vevina lowered her head with a barely detectable shake. What was Astrid doing to her? One minute it appeared as if she could care less for her, and the next she looked as if she was worried to death over her.
"I shall fetch the healer," Astrid said, and would have stood if not for Vevina's hand stopping her with a light tug.
"I ache for sleep, that is all," she said, not wanting to upset Astrid.
"You tired yourself on the moors today," she insisted.
She didn't want to tell her that she'd walked the moors too many years to ever tire herself out walking them, but it was easier letting her think what she wished.
Leaning close to Astrid, she whispered, "May I take my leave?"
She near shivered when she saw passion ignite in Astrid's eyes, though she chastised herself for even thinking such a ridiculous notion. How then did she explain that glint, the fire that flamed in her golden stare?
Astrid placed her cheek next to hers so she could murmur in her ear. "Do you wish me to take you to bed?"
Her hot breath fanned her neck, and if she didn't hold herself stiff she would have collapsed against Astrid. Was she inviting an interlude or she simply being a good wife? If Vevina accepted, would Astrid reject her once again when they enter the room? Would she once again appear the fool?
Vevina did not have the stamina for further rejection this evening,. She responded softly, with some regret, "No, I will be fine on my own."
Astrid moved away from her and with glimmering eyes that now accused and said, "As you wish."
Vevina hesitated a moment, for it wasn't what she wished. She wished for her wife to claim her rights and seal their agreement, their marriage vows, or whatever that might be. Astrid was the one who had made it clear she didn't want her and rejected her. What did Astrid expect to hear from her?
"Change your mind?" she challenged. Her grin annoyed Vevina.
"Have you?" she snipped, and with a huff turned and left the hall.
~*~
Vevina thought Astrid might follow, annoyed with her, but heard no heavy footfalls behind her, though she'd informed her earlier how she would teach Vevina to sneak about undetected.
The thought caused her to pause anxiously on the staircase and wait. After several silent minutes pass without hearing anything or without anyone approaching, she continued up the stairs.
She shed her garments, quickly slipping into the comfort of her pale blue, soft wool night shift, and crawled into bed beneath the safety of the coverlet.
Why she felt safe in the bed, she didn't know, although it could be because Astrid had never once attempted to share the bed with her. Since that first day nearly a month ago, she'd slept on the floor.
Vevina had tried to make sense of her preference and did not want to think that she preferred the floor to sharing a bed with her.
Yawns attacked her, and her eyes grew heavy. She was grateful that sleep would soon claim her and she would no longer dwell on her worries. For a time, at least, she would be free, she thought and snuggled contentedly under the cover.
When she woke, it was as if someone had nagged her out of sleep. She lay still for a moment, expecting someone to nudge her further awake. Then she heard the sound, a groaning or mewling of sorts, she was not quite sure how to define it, but there was no doubt that someone suffered.
Surely no animal had crawled in the room, so that meant...
She turned on her side and peered over the edge of the bed. Her wife lay as she did night after night in front of the hearth, only tonight her sleep appeared disturbed. Her body jerked and the strange sounds continued in depth and strength.
Astrid was in the throes of a nightmare. She had tossed her covers off and looked to be shivering. The room did feel chilled, and she noticed that the fire had dwindled more than usual. Had Astrid forgotten to add a log before she fell asleep? She always made sure to stoke the fire before bedding down for the night. Had her mind been so overwrought that she paid no heed to the fire? And if so, what was on her mind?
Vevina wished they could talk. She had not had a trusted friend since her mother died. Robert chased away any lad who showed interest in her, and frightened away any young girls who had come close to her. He had been successful in keeping her isolated.
Now she longed for a friend, a good friend, a trusted friend, and thought how wonderful it would be for that friend to be her wife.
Her sorrowful groan caused her to bolt up in bed, and she saw that her shivers had turned to a constant tremble. Quietly, she eased out of bed and slowly made her way over to Astrid. She picked up the wool blanket crumbled at her feet and gently placed it over her, covering Astrid from her bare feet to her shoulders.
Astrid's shivers eased though didn't entirely dissipate, and she crept around Astrid and as quietly as possible added a couple of logs to the fire. She jumped back when one popped and cracked loudly, not wanting Astrid to see her if she should wake, but the sound did not disturb her.
Vevina hunched down a fair distance from Astrid, as she had warned her to do earlier when facing a foe. And at the moment, she wasn't sure if she was friend or foe, so if she should wake, she didn't want to be in arm's reach of her wife. Astrid's eyelids fluttered and her mouth twitched, and though she'd stopped trembling and grown silent, her sleep still appeared uneasy.
The scar on her arms appeared red and sore from the fire's light, and she cringed thinking what she must have suffered. Astrid never spoke of her hardship. She assumed Astrid shared the details with her father or brothers, but she'd noticed that she hadn't spent much time with any of them since her return. Astrid seemed to isolate herself as she herself had.
She edged a hand out to softly brush stray strands of hair off her cheek, and wished she could touch Astrid and help ease her ache, just as she wished for someone to ease hers. Astrid didn't wake, and she daringly stroked her hair. It wasn't soft or coarse, but thick and strong, like her.
Astrid's heavy sigh had her retreating into the dark a few inches away. She waited, barely breathing so she would not know Vevina was there, but Astrid didn't wake still.
Vevina struggled with what she felt were her inadequacies as a wife and as a woman. Her soft gaze fell over her wife and she smiled sadly before whispering, "We could be happy you and I, if only...if only you were a man...no, that's not it, if only...you weren't so stubborn."
Astrid didn't stir, she didn't hear her, and she hadn't meant her to , though perhaps she hoped somehow the words would settle over Astrid, seep deep inside and touch her cold iron heart and soul.
Vevina stood, stretched the kinks from her legs, and gave her wife one last glance before returning to her bed and slipping beneath the blanket. Then she peeked over the edge of the bed to take another last look at Astrid.
"I don't care that you are a woman," she whispered. "I just want us to be good friends."