I'm taking deep breaths as I try to calm down. I just went over some of my childhood trauma and it brought up a lot of emotions.
"Breathe, Melita. We can stop here if you're too upset to continue." Brian reassures me.
I shake my head, "No. I need to get this out." I confess. I had told him about that as far back as I can remember, my dad being a drunk and abusing me and my mom. How my mom used to protect me then she'd get angry at me over everything. It soon became her abusing me too. How I did the only thing I could most days and that was escape the house to play with my neighbor friend Jackson. He'd see my bruises and welt but not talk about them.
He'd just offer his hand and drag me off to go play with him in the woods. When we were nine we built the clubhouse and that became our refuge from our home lives. How Jackson would feed me whatever he could when my parents would send me to school with nothing to eat most of the time and I wasn't allowed to eat until dinner time. I was lucky if I got cereal or a slice of toast for breakfast most of the time. I told him about Jackson always cleaning my cuts and bandaging me up, or just holding me while I cried. I went on to tell him how Jackson has promised he would be there when I was accused of stealing money. Then my mom leaving, why she would leave me there, what I did when my dad came home and trying to get away from him and Jackson just disappearing from my life.
How I was alone and how I ended up in the hospital. How no one helped me. How I got the scholarship and left, never looking back and used every extra cent I made to get into my own place. How I hard I studied and was failing until my professor introduced me to Ethan.
"Ethan this is Melita. You both are in my business law class. Melita needs some extra help to get through this class and I want you to tutor her." Our professor explained.
Ethan was good looking and I hid behind the curtain of my wavy red hair when we would study together so he couldn't see me blushing. He would always explain patiently and help me study for tests, making sure I knew the material. Then he started hanging around me on campus and eventually asked me out. How we started dating and I had my first kiss, then a few months later I lost my virginity. Everything seemed great until he was asked to tutor some other students and those girls would hit on him and it made me jealous and my insecurities bubbled up to the surface.
"I'M JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU AM I ETHAN!?" I screamed at him during our last fight.
"What are you talking about Mel?! I love you! You're more than enough!" Ethan gripped my arms and tried to calm me down. "Please Melita, there's nothing going on! I wouldn't have said I'd tutor them except the professor asked me too since one is his niece! " Ethan retorted, looking caught between a rock and a hard place.
"Yeah, well our professor introduced us too that way? Who's to say you won't end up falling in love with her the same way!" I countered, crossing my arms, tears streaming down my face.
Ethan groaned, "Melita... Baby I love you. I don't want anyone else!" He started pacing the room, "What can I do or say to make you believe me!?"
"There is nothing..." I had muttered but he had heard me.
Ethan stopped, looked at me with pained eyes, tears starting to flow from them.
"THERE is nothing, is there?" He croaked out. He shook his head and started packing his stuff up.
"What are you doing?!" I asked after a minute realizing what he was doing. We still had our own places but he had a few items here and there thoughout the apartment.
He paused and took a large breath, "I'm sorry Melita. I love you and this is killing me." He choked on his words in between his own sobs, "But it's obvious you don't trust me, nothing I say or do will change that either. I can't deal with this anymore." He picked up his bag of stuff.
"What are you saying?!" I rushed in front of him to stop him, but he took my hands and put them at my sides.
"No, Melita, don't do this. I'm leaving."
He went to walk around me but I grabbed his arm.
"No, Ethan I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Please I love you." I started crying harder all my anger disappeared and was replaced with dispare. He was abandoning me just like my mom, like Jackson.
"Don't leave me, Ethan. Please, please don't." I begged holding on to him for dear life.
"I love you, Melita. But I can't do this anymore. If we don't have trust we will forever fight like this. I don't want to live this way." He lifted a hand to cradle my cheek which I pressed into. He pulled me closer to him into a tight hug as we sobbed and cried together. When we started to calm down though. He kissed my forehead and stepped away.
"Good bye Mel. I'll always love you, but it's over between us." With those words I crumpled on the floor, as he walked out the door. He had his schedule changed and we no longer had classes together. I didn't see him around campus either. He wouldn't return my once a week calls. They were just calls saying I was sorry for hurting him and wanting to make sure he was alright since I didn't see him around, but with no response I got the message. I stopped calling.
Eventually, I came to terms with the fact that everyone I love abandons me. I'm just too messed up in the head.
It felt good to get all of that off my chest.
"Do you still feel that way? That everyone you care about will abandon you?" Brian asks, writing quickly on his paper.
"There's definitely a fear there but with Jackson back in my life it's getting better. I actually ran into Ethan as well and we're talking again too. We ran into each other at dinner last night and then had a coffee this morning. He asked to take me to dinner this Friday." I add.
"How did Ethan initially react to you? Did he act like nothing happened, was it awkward or was he wary of you?"
I think about it for a moment. "It was a surprise to both of us at first, then he kind of got excited, but then it was a little awkward between us. We asked a few polite questions about each other's lives and it slowly became more easy going."
Brian hums and nods, "Do you remember his body language? Was he facing you, was his body turned towards you? Did he lean in?"
I frown, "At first he seemed tense but slowly he relaxed and kept turning in his chair to talk to me as we ate."
"You ate dinner together?" Brian seemed shocked.
"Not intentionally." I let out a breathy laugh, "I was seated at the bar in Fearings and he was seated next to me."
"Okay, so chance meeting and dining..."
Brian pauses, "Does Ethan know about Jackson and Jackson, Ethan?"
"I told Ethan about Jackson but I haven't had a real conversation with Jackson to tell him about Ethan yet. Jackson went to London till the end of the month." I inform him. "Why?"
"I suggest you tell Jackson so there's no misunderstandings. Ethan is your ex that you cared deeply for and that could cause issues between the two of you." Brian warns me. "Especially since Jackson is not here to lay his claim." He raises a hand before I start to interject, "Its a natural thing for a man to want to make it known that his woman is taken. Just like you would get jealous about Ethan. So it's better to be open and honest, so there's no room for issues to pop up."
"I was going to say," I say firmly, "that I had every intention already of telling him tonight when he called."
Brian nods, "So what was Ethan's reaction to Jackson?"
I sigh, "He said that it was great I reconnected with my childhood friend and asked why he just disappeared. I gave him a short but honest answer. He seemed to be fine with it, since I accepted it."
Brian nods drawing out his response, "Yeah...." He narrows his eyes, "but what was his response to the two of you being together?"
I blink and think back. What was his reaction? My eyes suddenly widen, "Oh, I guess I never clarified that Jackson and I were dating."
Brians eyes widen and he lets out a loud breath, stressing, "I suggest you make that clear to Ethan and soon."
"Okay, can you explain why this already seems like it's going to be an issue?" I ask.
"Ethan is my ex, I get that. However, Jackson is my everything."
Brian shakes his head, "I do believe that Ethan thinks you're single. I think he may be trying to rekindle the old flame."
I snort, "That's just .." I pause thinking of the quick kiss on the cheek this morning. The declaration that he regretted leaving...
"Oh."
Brian nods, "Yeah. OH."