Rinnnnnnggg*!
The usual annoying sound of the alarm awakes me as I slowly open my eyes turning the damned thing off…
I change my posture as I sit down exhausted on my bed attempting to keep myself awake, I don't want to get up… I don't wanna leave this bed, but yet I leave it anyway because I have to…
I begin to wear my clothes as I get ready for work…
They're not anything fancy… Merely a pair of blue jeans and a black suit as well as some random socks from the drawer…
I work as a waiter at a restaurant after all… Well, calling myself a waiter is a bit of an overvaluing of myself…
I'm merely a cleaner after all…
I grab my phone and my charger along with some money in case I need it as I walk out of my house heading towards the bus station…
Walking down the stairs of the building my apartment is in, I move like some kind of zombie… I feel lifeless, I feel empty… I walk through the streets which are lit by the sun's slow rising…
I feel something… Something whispering in my ear… Or perhaps inside my mind… I don't know how or why… But I feel like something is boiling inside of me… The whispers become clearer and clearer… Until I can eventually understand what the voice is saying…
"Kill… Kill… Kill… Kill them all…"
Kill?
"Kill who?"
I ask myself, though I already know the answer…
The voice didn't hold any sign of hesitation when answering my question as it responded with its demonic tone…
"Everyone… Everything…"
"Hahh… Haha…"
I let out a small laugh… I giggled… Of course, I did… I mean, isn't it ridiculous, I'm just a normal person… Why would I wanna kill people? I don't think I've ever held that much hatred towards anyone to be honest…
Even if I hated someone that bad, how would I manage to pull such a thing off without getting caught??
Something like murder requires a lot of precision, planning and a strong brave, cold heart… After all, you don't wanna end up crazed or scarred for life after killing someone just because you couldn't deal with the blood or the guilt of taking the life of a human being…
Though I didn't think I would have any problems with blood or guilt, I wasn't delusional enough to think I'd be able to escape the grip of the police…
Shaking my head to get the whispers of the devil out of it, I continue to walk slowly down the road… But my previous thoughts, the whispers of the devil were yet to leave my head, I began to imagine some scenarios for such an act…
As I'm walking, and to cut me off my fantasies, I see a random lady looking through her purse across the other side of the street…
My legs hit the brakes all out of a sudden… Looking intensely at the woman, the devil whispers in my ears once again…
'What if I just… Kill her? Wouldn't that be much easier?? I can just kill her and take all her money… I won't have to work my ass off for the tiniest bit of money like I am doing right now! All it'd take is one stab and I won't have to work again for a week… A month… Or even a year if they were rich enough… '
Once these words and thoughts formed in my brain, I began to feel something changing inside of me… My vision started changing as I saw myself standing right behind the unknown lady… Yet something was different… The once-standing lady who was searching through her purse was now lying helplessly on the ground…
Drowning in her own blood with me standing above her with a knife full of blood in my hand…
It was a terrifying scene… Yet for some reason, I felt very calm… It wasn't because I was a psychopath or anything… Well, maybe I was, a little bit… But it was simply because I knew this was all my imagination's work and none of it was actually real…
And to prove me right, the terrifying image that was just in front of my eyes suddenly disappeared as everything went back to normal…
Trying to forget what just happened I continue to walk towards the bus station yet my mind does not stop thinking of all the things I just felt and the situation I had just imagined…
A seed of doubt is planted inside of me…
Am I truly a psychopath???
Do I really want to kill people???
Despite my useless attempts to leave that train of thought, I simply couldn't as all my head was about at the moment was murderous ideas, fantasies… Imagining the way flesh and blood would feel on my hands…
My thoughts were getting more and more specific the more time I spent imagining the type of scenario where I kill someone…
Yet my fantasies had to eventually pause as I reached the bus station… I didn't have to wait long for my ride as it got there in less than 5 minutes…
When entering the almost empty bus, my previous train of thoughts had proceeded to inflate my head with all these evil ideas and ways of death before I eventually fell asleep due to the length of the ride…
My eyes opened once again once I felt the bus stop when reaching the place we were headed, I got down alongside the other workers who were on the bus as I moved into the place I had been working at for the past week…
It was merely an average restaurant at the beach and there was absolutely nothing special about it other than the fact it had more than three to four underaged workers including myself…
That's right… I'm a minor, I will turn 16 in around four months but that doesn't make it any better…
This place is still hiring minors, being a year older minor doesn't change that fact…
Though I'm not complaining because if they weren't I wouldn't be able to find a job and get myself some money…
Regarding my surroundings I enter the restaurant, saluting my boss before me and my co-workers begin our work…
We clean the dirty toilets, which are very disgusting to be honest, yet I'm ready to clean this disgusting place a hundred times if it means more money for me…
After the toilets and without any breaks, we started cleaning the main hall, then the park connected to the place, the tables were next and then we would finally have a few minutes of rest…
I lean my head back on the chair as we're finally done with our work, now we just have to wait for customers or something else to do…
I curse everything about this job in my head, I feel tired, very tired… I want to quit, but I know I can't, I need the money. I attempt to get my mind away from this topic as I have a feeling it might actually beguile to quit this job and just give up…
After a few hours of working under this hot weather, and when I was sitting waiting for my shift to be over…
"Hey you! Come here…"
I hear my boss shouting as I see him directing his finger towards me, clearly calling me for some reason…
I sprint towards him wondering what he might want me to do now… But to my surprise, he pulls out some cash out of his pocket and then gives me one of the 2K bills…
Though 2K might sound like a lot, it wasn't really as it could barely buy a bag of chips or some gum...
But Yet even though I felt very grateful as all my previous hate and anger as well as disappointment began to leave my system…
It wasn't the amount of money that made me happy but the fact that I earned that money, it wasn't just given to me, but I had to work for it… Very very hard… I shed sweat for this, I got tired for this, I sacrificed for this…
I placed it inside my pocket carefully as I went back to my seat after thanking my boss for his generosity… Well, that was a lie, he wasn't generous at all… But what can I do… I have to keep an image…
I waited for the end of my shift but now with a smile on my face… It was truly fascinating what money would make people do and think and how it'd change them…
Eventually, my shift was over and I had to go back home… I rode the same bus as the one I did this morning… It was much more crowded and It felt more like a sandwich with how people were barely able to move a muscle or even sit properly in their seats…
That alongside the boiling weather outside made sweat drip out of me like crazy making me hardly able to breathe…
When the bus finally began to move we all felt a bit better as some wind entered through the windows making it easier to breathe and more bearable of a ride…
For the first 15 to 20 minutes of the ride I could think of nothing but when all those people are going to leave… But when it was finally kind of empty I relaxed more and began to think of other stuff…
As I look out the window and see all the people in their houses, with their families, or perhaps even still at their jobs, I wonder to myself… Don't they all feel like the main character??
Don't they all think that they're going through stuff nobody could understand, that their whole existence is something special? But yet they're nothing but mere parts of the crowd… Unknown and unimportant, significantly small in the bigger picture, just another one added to the billions that already exist…
And perhaps I'm also one of them… Just another part of the crowd… Unknown… Small… A nobody… A nobody who thinks they're somebody…
Just thinking of having to live like that and being that small made me feel very uneased and as if something was wrong inside my gut…
It wasn't something that I could accept… I want to achieve greatness in my life, I want to be free of all this programming, I want to be free of school, work, life… I want to live life the way that'd make my blood boil in excitement… I want to feel the adrenaline flowing through my system… I want to feel alive…
But for now… For now, I'm gonna have to keep working… Keep working for the sake of my family…
But I won't stay passive for long… I will kill somebody soon… Yes… That'd be it… That'd make everything easier… And fulfill my wish of feeling alive… I know it… This will be my salvation… This will begin my Journey…
The Journey of my life…