Today was one of those days when I don't want to go to school or see any human being, today was the day. The day Dena left me. The day Dena died. I didn't want to see a single soul today but I couldn't stay in because I don't even have an excuse to.
I got out of bed lazily and then mopped my way in to the bathroom with a sad face. I stripped and got into the shower before turning the water to warm. As soon as the warm water wets my body I feel relieved a little. If only I could wash the guilt away from my body. If only I could take back the hands of time, I'd go back and take her place.
" honey "
As the sound of mum's voice, I knew she knows that today is the day and so she wakes me up every may 4th because she is scared that I might take my life on that day. Not that the thought hasn't crossed my mind yet but I just couldn't bring myself to commit suicide, I just can't...
" honey " now she was banging the door. Easy mum I'm not dead yet. I got out of the shower and then wrapped myself in my towel before walking out of the bathroom
I opened the door to look at mum. She looked like she was about to cry
" my baby " she said and engulfs me in a bear hug.
" look who is the baby now " I said as tried to joke but it didn't work
" mum please don't cry " I added and she looked at me.
" I'm sorry. I know how hard it is for you and yet I want to make it worse " she said and sniffed.
" its fine mum " I said and smiled at her
" do you want to skip school today and rest ? " she asked as she wiped her yes.
" no I want to go. I'm okay mum " I said and she nods her head.
" mum I'm suddenly craving your egg and toast " I said trying to lighten the mood
" I will go make it for you. Just get ready " she said and rubbed my face with her thumb.
" okay " I whispered and she left me there, standing in my room
I will not cry I will not cry I will not cry. I chant as I closed the door and walked to the bed..
Fifteen minutes later I was downstairs waiting for mum to get her bag. We have had breakfast and I was wearing my back sweater over a red jean short and a white tee. With my back boots.. I asked her to drive me to school since I didn't want to take the bus.
" I'm here. Let's go " she said and smiled and I returned the some as we made our way to the car.. Soon we got to school and I got down from the car
" I love you honey " mum said and squeezed my hands.
" I love you too mum " I said and closed the car gently. With one look at mum as she smiled at me, I turned to walk into the school.
As I got into the hallways, I put my hood up to cover my face and made my way to my locker, ignoring every body that I pass by. On getting to my locker I see a worried Alex who was watching the time.
" hey " I said with a wave and press my combination making the locker open to reveal my books. I picked my English textbook, my art tablet and my calculus tablet before closing the locker with a bam
" hey ? " Alex called and I looked at her and smiled.
" that's the smile I was looking for. Now tell me about the date with cute Shawn " she said trapping my hand in her hand as she dragged me to our first class.
" Alex I'm not really in the mood to talk today can I tell you tomorrow ? " I asked her with a forced smile.
" awn why ?. I waited the weekend to hear the heart melting details Betty " she said and frowned.
" I'm sorry I will tell you later I promise " I said quickly and her frown widens. Then turns to a smirk
" okay but I want to know one thing. " she said and I nod my head.
" did he kiss you ? " she whispered
Fuck you Alex
But its not like I didn't see it coming.
" no he didn't " I said hurriedly and she mouthed an oh in reply.
" but he did peck me " I added and her face lits up
" thats it, he loves you Betty " she said in a high pitch voice.
" if you say so. " I said and then frowned. " I got to go Alex see you at lunch " I said before hugging my text book to my chest before making my way into the languages hall to my English class.
?????
The first and second period went well, I didn't cry in any of them and I somewhat feel relieved to hold my feelings in. I just have to get past calculus lunch and maths and then I'm free to go home.
I made my way to my usual seat in the middle roll beside the window in calculus class. I looked outside the window and dropped my bag on the floor and my calculus textbook on my table.
Its fine Elizabeth, its fine, Dena is okay, she is resting in peace.
You know thats a freaking lie
How can someone who died an undeserving death rest in peace.
I killed her didn't I ?
I don't expect her to rest at all when I'm still alive here on earth, breathing
Dena isn't breathing, I don't have her bubbly self next to me,
She really is dead, she is gone.
" good morning class " I look up at our calculus teacher as he entered the class, a bright smile on his face. Whats got his pants in a twist.
" good morning Mr mark " we chorused and then everyone brought out their text books.
" so today unlike last week, we will be doing algebraic fractions. So turn your books to page sixty four " he said and turned to board as he write down algebraic fractions in big bold block letters.
" so do you guys have any idea on algebra ? " he asked the silent class as he leaned on his desk.
I kept on looking at my feet because I actually can't stop thinking about Dena. If she hadn't met me maybe her life will be different. Maybe she would still be alive now.
But she just had to meet me, i ruined everything. I shouldn't have gone to her house that night for help.
Do not think now, no tears. I nod and shake my head to drive away any the thoughts in it. I stared at the class only to find them staring at me back.
" what ? " I coughed out because their faces were making me kind of uncomfortable.
" I asked you if you could solve the equation on the board ? " Mr Mark asked me and I look up at what is written on the board.
" okay " I muttered and got up from my chair. I walked to the board and collected the marker from Mr mark with a forced smile. I turned to the board and stared at the equation.
" I'm sorry I'm late " the door bursts open abruptly to reveal Adam.
Adam
The events of Friday night immediately comes crawling into my head. Guilt fills my body as I stared at him.
He was panting like he had been running for quite a while but from where ?. His hair was messy and scattered around his head in different angles but still he managed to look hot. I mean fine. He was wearing a black T-shirt with new York written on it in white letters and then a black faded jean to go and his white converse. His hazel eyes were sparking as sweat filled his head.
" just go to your seat Adam " Mr mark said waving him over. I looked away from his retreating figure and back to the equation then I solved it.
" good have your seat Betty " Mr Mark said with a warm smile. I returned mine and went back to my seat. Adam was seated beside me as he wrote down what was on the board inside his book.
" are you okay " I said shocking myself as Adam looks up from his book to my face and then shrugs.
" you came late today, just like last week " I added and he frowned but ignored me.
" is everything okay with you ? " I finally asked
" I'd appreciate it if you stayed out of my business because you made it pretty clear Friday night that we weren't friends or acquaintances so " he said and faced the class back.
" I " I began but stopped as he was right. I told him to fuck off and that's just what he was doing.
The bell to signal the end of the class and Mr mark leaves after giving us an assignment to do. As soon as he left the class. Adam was up from the seat and then disappearing into the crowd.
He actually was ignoring me and letting me be just like I said but why then does it make me feel unhappy. Why do I feel this knot of sadness within me. Few weeks ago if he was ignoring me I'd be great but now all I feel JD this sickening feeling in my gut.
I just lost one friend on my list and I have nothing and no one but myself to blame...
?????
" sup baby doll " Alex grinned as I took my seat beside her during lunch. I passed her a forced smile and dropped my tray on the lunch table.
" hey " I replied curtly and tried to open my coca cola bottle.
" why are you moody ? " she asked me as she collected the bottle I was trying to open. She opened it for me and passed it back to me.
" nothing. I'm not moody " I answered her quickly and then I drank from the bottle.
" I don't believe you Betty. Wait, whats today's date ? " she asked me all of a sudden and I gave her a puzzled expression.
" may 4th. " I said
" ohh that's why " she said and turned back to her food.
" meaning ? " I asked her, annoyance clear in my tone.
" you are always extra grumpy and sad every may 4th. You have been like that for two years now " she stated and I calmed down. She had been noticing me
" ohh " was all I could say as I took a bite out of my chicken tenders.
" hey girls " Cole said and dropped his bag on the floor, taking a seat in front of Alex, Alex doesn't acknowledge his presence too and I kind of find it weird. Didn't they dance at the party?
" hey Cole " I said and hit Alex shoulder. She was blushing.
" hi " she managed to say and then picked her tray up.
Uhm what's going on, I'm kind of lost.
" where are you going ? " Cole asked her before I could
" I just remembered that I have to submit my maths assignment " she said. Obviously lying because we have maths together after lunch and we weren't given an assignment to do.
" oh see you later then " Cole said.
" see you. " she muttered and then left our table. I watched her as she dumped her half eaten lunch into the bin and then she practically ran out of the cafeteria
What the hell happened between them on Friday night. Now that I think of it, Alex never gave me any details.
Something is super fishy now.
" are you going to get up on me too ? " Cole asked me, causing me to snap out of my thoughts.
" oh no I'm here till lunch is over " I muttered
" oh okay. Why are you so down ? " he asked me
" nothing. I'm not just cut out for fun today. " I state
" so how are things with Shawn ? " Cole asked all of a sudden.
" well its going well. He is your friend, just ask him " I stated with a frown.
" okay then. I take it as you don't really like him then " he said with amusement in his voice.
" I do like him " I said " wait why am I telling you this ? " I asked him causing him to chuckle.
" well I'm a good listener plus I'm friends with both Shawn and Adam " he said watching my face as he mentioned Adam.
" why did you mention Adam ? " I asked him
" no reason, I just happen to know that both my best friends are in love with you but don't know " he said and smiled again.
Wait what?
In love
With me?
Both of them
Haha lies
" I am not really a fan of jokes that sound real " I muttered with a frown
" who said I was joking ? " he said in a serious tone
" wait what ? " I asked him.
Just then both Adam and Shawn entered the cafeteria. Shawn sees me immediately and smiles at me and then walks to our table. Adam on the other hand didn't even glance at my place,either he didn't see me or he is just ignoring me. I think its the latter.
I sigh
Wait what is this you are feeling?
You shouldn't be feeling bad
Hell you should be happy you got rid of him
Keep saying it till you believe it
Wait what if the both of them were in love with me?
" hey Betty "
Its fine Elizabeth cool down its okay, you don't care what Adam thinks or what he feels either. You don't care about anyone. Today is meant to be for Radena okay not Adam or whatever his name is. You do not have time for a crush or anything.
" Betty hi " I finally looked up after being tapped on the shoulder by Shawn who was beaming. In his hand was his lunch and a novel.
" hey Shawn " I whispered and shot him a forced smile.
" how are you ?. I'm sorry I didn't call Saturday night. " he said and scratched his head.
" oh no its fine. " I said and point to a seat. " do you want to sit with us ? " I added
" yes sit with us " Cole said with an high pitch voice. I glared at him
" thanks. " Shawn muttered and then took the seat where Alex had been sitting before, right beside me and in front of Cole.
" I hope you got in well. I should have walked you to the door " he said
" no its fine. Its my door isn't it ? " I said
Dumbest thing ever.
" yes it is " Shawn said and laughed and Cole snorted and again I shot him a glare.
This is going to be a long lunch...
School closed five minutes ago, Alex disappeared since lunch and wasn't in our math class that she even lied about and I'm so curious. I want to know why she bailed on me.
As I closed my locker after putting my things inside. I turned and backed my school bag on my shoulder, making my way outside the silent hallways and into the parking lot.
The sight that greeted me there was the least of thing I should never imagine seeing or witnessing. There beside a black Camry was a girl with black short hair, pressed against the car with Adam in front of her, there were sucking their faces while he touched her every where.
Anger and jealousy fills my veins at the sight in front of me but when Adam looks back, as if feeling my presence and then mutters something to the girl who giggled aloud and the next thing they are both getting into the black Camry and then he drove away. I stood there with my heart sinking.
And I felt what I never thought I could feel again. I felt heart broken, it was like a part of my heart was ripped right in front of me ten thousand times.
I..I couldn't comprehend what I was feeling but I couldn't hold the tears I had been keeping since earlier this morning, I didn't care that I was in a parking lot in the middle of an high school. My legs were like jello as I fell to the floor and let all the tears flow.
Adam finally made me cry....