[T.W.]
The following month was a hurt train for Suzan. She was feeling worse than she ever had before.
She was in constant fear. She completely stopped going out, except for school and Cheerleading practice. But, when she did go out, she always had to look over her shoulder, she always had the feeling of being watched. By Jason.
She didnʼt know if that feeling was accurate or if she was just scared, but, whatever the case, she still couldnʼt take it anymore.
She didnʼt want to live like this. She didn't want a life where she would be too scared to go out or do anything at all.
School wasn't better either. She had to keep up a constant happy-go-lucky act so nobody knew what was happening, but there was pain deep inside.
Every time she happened to walk past Harry on the hallway or had a class with him, he wouldnʼt even look at her, and when he did, he would just glare angrily. Suzan hated this. She knew he thought she was a terrible person, and she couldn't blame him for that. But she wasn't going to talk to him either.
And as for Jason, she tried avoiding him at school by any cost. She never walked alone, she always had someone with her to walk in front and tell her if Jason was in sight. When the answer was 'yes', she always walked the other way.
Her friends had seen him once or twice hooking up with Madison Hensler, Isaac's ex and Suzan's enemy, but Suzan really couldn't care less about that. All she cared about was avoiding him.
Still, the constant fear of being watched was too big to ignore. She was too scared to go out or do anything. And she always expected Jason to just pop out from somewhere and do God knew what to her. But she didn't tell anyone.
As if that wasn't enough, there was one more problem that Suzan was facing, which was worrying her more than anything, and it was about her health.
For the past month, she was constantly feeling fatigue, she was nauseous and would sometimes vomit in the mornings, maybe even at school (in the bathroom, where nobody would see her), and she had these weird food cravings. Like bacon, which she hated —and never ate because she wanted to remain a nice silhouette. She hadn't told anybody a word about all that, she didn't want to get anyone worried about her. Of course, that didn't mean she wasn't worried either.
Still, when push came to shove was when she missed her period. At first she thought it was nothing and maybe she could wait a couple more weeks, but when it still didnʼt come, her panic was starting to raise. It was weird, she didnʼt know how to process it and she was scared.
All these symptoms were suspicious, and they could only lead to one thing which scared her more than she had ever been scared before. No, this couldn't be happening to her.
She was terrified, she didn't know where to go, who she could talk to. There was only one solution, and that was Emily. She was the only person Suzan felt like she could talk to at that point.
Putting on an oversized hoodie and a pair of sweatpants (which she had never worn to go out before), tears in her eyes and her hood covering most of her face, she climbed down the stairs to leave her house.
Her parents weren't home, and the only one besides her was Molly the housemaid, who was just cleaning the house.
Suzan was walking fast, heading to Emily's house. She didn't even know if her best friend was home, if she was alone or whatever. She just knew she needed her.
She knocked on the door while wiping her eyes. The river was running, she couldn't stop it.
Mrs. Grason answered the door, wearing her work attire, and holding a suitcase in her hand. Obviously she was ready to leave for another flight.
"Uh, hello Suzan, honey, are you alright?" asked Mrs. Grason, as soon as she saw her, a little concerned.
"Um, yes, Mrs. Grason, thank you for your concern. I am fine," Suzan replied to her, keeping her head down.
"I am really sorry I can't stay and hang out with you girls, but, I have to go to work," Mrs. Grason said as she stepped out of the house and Suzan got in.
"Yeah, yeah, mom, we get it, bye!" Emily spoke from the living room.
"Oh, come here, you," Emily's mom said playfully as she gave her one last kiss on the cheek, then left.
The two girls were left alone, and Suzan took off her hood, and Emily had a more clear view of her face. Then, she could see how red and puffy her eyes were.
"Wow, Suzan, what happened?" asked Emily, immediately getting worried about her friend.
Before Suzan had the chance to answer, she burst out crying once again. Her meltdown was sudden, and it hurt Emily seeing her this way. She knew her friend didn't deserve to be like that. Her first reaction was to give her a hug. She said nothing, she wanted Suzan to let it all out so she could feel better.
The truth was, she had seen it coming. She had noticed how terrible her friend had been feeling lately. How she had stopped going out, how she always had these weird mood swings and her mental health was never good… Damn, she couldn't even remember the last time she had actually heard Suzan laugh! And on top of that, her friend was always feeling dizzy and nauseous…
When Suzan was done crying she pulled away from Emily and the brunette rushed to get her some tissues. She came back and Suzan wiped her eyes while gathering her strength to open up about this.
"Will you tell me what's going on, Sue?"
"It's just… Lately I… I haven't been feeling so well and I… I have these weird symptoms and…" Suzan bursted out in tears again and tried to speak through deep breaths and sobs.
"And what?"
"And I've missed my period!"
"No!" Emily exclaimed, "Suzan do you understand what this could mean?!"
But Suzan was too busy crying her heart out instead of replying. Because she knew exactly what this could mean.
Emily stood up, pacing up and down the room. Every single possibility was running through her head and she was trying to understand exactly what this could mean for her friend, but it was beyond her understanding.
Both of them were freaking out at that point. Suzan's meltdown didn't stop, and Emily didn't know how to react. Their assumption still wasn't verified, but, if it was, what kind of impact would it have on Suzan's life? Heck, her life would never be the same again! Still, Emily tried to calm herself down and support her friend.
"Look, Sue, let's just… Let's not overreact, maybe it's just nothing after all…" she spoke, taking deep breaths.
Suzan tried following her lead by taking deep breaths as well, though she wasn't sure if it was working or not.
"You do know we need to get you a test, right? Or else… we can't be sure of anything…" Emily continued.
Suzan agreed, but it still didn't make anything better. She couldn't bear the thought that her life was probably ruined. How would she live? She just couldn't stand the idea that she might be pregnant…
Like the good friend she was, Emily went down to the pharmacy and picked up a pregnancy test. Normally, it would have been a very awkward thing to do, but, when it came to her best friend, Emily didnʼt care what she had to do. So, as quickly as she could, she came back to her house to find Suzan deeply sunk in her meltdown.
"Look, this is a very serious issue, Sue, but you need to relax, okay? Nothing good is going to come out if you just keep crying, remember that."
Perhaps Emily was so calm because she had convinced herself it might be a false alarm after all. But that didn't mean she wasn't worried, she was just trying to be strong for her friend, now that she needed her most.
The room is filled with a mix of tension and apprehension. Suzan was not but an anxious and worried young girl, sitting on the couch, her hands tightly clutching her stomach. Emily was not but her loyal best friend, pacing back and forth, a small paper bag in her hand.
Finally, Suzan spoke up, her voice cracking through sobs. "Emily, I don't know what I'm going to do if it's positive. My whole life will change."
"We don't know anything yet, Suzan. Let's just take the test and see. No matter what happens, we'll face it together. Promise," said Emily, not even knowing if she was delusional or not.
Suzan nods, her eyes welling up with tears. Emily reaches out and squeezes her friend's hand before taking a deep breath and finally opening the paper bag.
"Okay, here it is. Just one simple test, and then we'll know for sure."
Emily pulls out the pregnancy test kit, a small plastic device that holds their hopes and fears in its hands. She hands it to Suzan, who looks at it with a mix of anticipation and fear.
"I just… I can't believe it's come to this. I never thought I'd be in this situation," the faucet in Suzan's eyes kept running.
"Sometimes life throws unexpected challenges at us, but we'll face them head-on," Emily spoke, trying to calm down her friend, ignoring the fact that in reality she couldn't call down herself. "You're not alone in this, Suzan. I'm here with you."
Suzan takes a shaky breath and reluctantly takes the test from Emily's hands. She disappears into the nearby bathroom, the sound of the door closing echoing through the tense silence. Time seems to stretch as both girls hold their breath. A small line, separating the opportunity to get back to reality or complete disaster.
Suzan nervously did the test, then placed it on the bathroom counter and stared at it intently. A myriad of emotions flood her face as she waits, her heart pounding in her chest.
Meanwhile, in the living room, Emily paces back and forth, her nails bitten down to the quick, a million thoughts in her head. The weight of the unknown hangs heavily in the air. She stops abruptly and looks towards the bathroom, silently praying for a negative result.
"Please, let it be negative. Suzan doesn't deserve this. She's a good person, and she's terrified," she kept thinking to herself.
Time stands still as they wait, the silence broken only by the distant sound of a ticking clock.
Suzan nervously glances at the test, her heart pounding in her ears. She takes a deep breath, steeling herself for whatever the result may be. Finally, she picks up the test and looks at it.
But that exact moment. All it took was just one moment, and the panic was there. The terror, the disappointment, the hopelessness, everything all just came flooding at her. Like a punch right in her face, or, more likely, her stomach…
The test was positive, and it only meant one thing. That she was pregnant. It meant she had something inside her, a baby. A person growing inside her stomach, the responsibility. Everything had now changed. Nothing would ever be the same again and she felt as if her life was over. Or how she wanted it to be over… These thoughts were dangerous, but she was so hopeless that they were all she had right now.
"No! No!" Suzan screamed at the top of her lungs, then the breakdown came. She fell down, curled herself and cried her heart out.
Emily immediately ran to the bathroom when she heard her scream. She looked at the test, and while her internal reaction was the same as Suzan's, she had to remain calm and collected, she needed to be strong and support her friend.
She soothed Suzan with her words, brought her some water, helped her take some deep breaths, gave her a big hug, and, while the breakdown was over she still wasn't feeling better.
"What am I gonna do, Emily? This can't be happening! I'm too young, I can't have my life ruined like that!" the blonde kept crying. They were now both in the living room, sitting on the couch.
"Hey, relax, I'm here for you! We will go through this together, okay? You are not alone!"
Suzan was trying to make herself relax, but she couldn't. That river couldnʼt be tamed, more tears were coming out the moment she was trying to stop them.
"How am I going to tell my parents?" Suzan asked, her voice barely audible through her sobbing.
"I… I don't know! I mean, your parents also had you when they were young, right? So… they must understand!"
"It's not that simple, Emily! My parents trusted me! And I just went and let them down like that! I'm such a disappointment to them!" she fell back on the couch, her tears unable to stop.
"What? No, Sue! Don't say that again! You are not a disappointment! You are a straight-A student, you know all these languages, you are kind, generous, sweet, beautiful… I mean, your parents don't have one single reason not to be proud of you!" Emily supported her.
"Well, they do now! I got pregnant, Emily, at sixteen! What parent is ever proud of their kid for that?!"
"Like I said, Sue, your parents did the same thing when they were your age! They can't be mad at you for taking after them!"
"My life is just ruined!"
Emily let out a deep sigh. Then it hit her. Something none of them had thought about so far, being so nervous. "Um, Suzan, we still haven't talked about the most important thing!"
"What is more important than telling my parents?" Suzan looked at her.
"The father, Sue! The father!"
Now that was something Suzan hadn't thought about. She got so used to being alone in her room crying for the past month that it didn't even cross her mind to think about the father. But it was equally as important.
"I… I don't know!" she panicked once again.
Emily had just managed to calm her down the slightest bit, so she didn't want her friend having another panic attack. "Look, we will figure this out okay? I mean, our only possibilities are Jason and Harry… Just try to remember!"
Suzan took one more deep breath as she put her brain to work. She needed to have a clear mind so she could think straight. "Well… Jason and I hadn't slept together for at least a month or something before we broke up, so, if it was Jason, I'd have a baby bump now or something, right?" she tried putting her thoughts in order.
"So that leaves Harry… But… I just don't get it! Sue, didn't you use protection or something?!"
"You seriously think I thought of the possibility of getting pregnant? And you know what? Does it even matter now?"
Emily sighed. "Well, you're right. But… Hey, at least it's not Jason, right?"
"Doesn't make a difference! Harry hates me… And he is right too, after what I did to him…"
"Well honey, you'll still gonna have to talk to him…" Emily took Suzan's hand in hers.
"What if… what if I just didn't tell him?" Suzan said.
"You can't do that, Sue! First of all, if I were Harry, I would like to know if I were having a kid, and, second, he is also responsible for this so he has to be a part of it! You need to tell him!"
Suzan agreed with her, but it didn't make anything better. She didnʼt know if she was going to keep the child or not, she needed to talk with her parents first. But how was she supposed to break such a thing to her parents? She was scared to tell them, and it was obvious. Still she left Emily's house full of determination to be strong and straight forward.
As she was walking alone on the street everything felt weird. It was as if all her surroundings had changed, the atmosphere was different. Was the world never going to be the same again? She didn't know. But still, that constant feeling of being watched that followed her everywhere wasn't helping. It never stopped existing, even the times she wasn't acknowledging it.
She reached her house and got inside. Her parents had gotten home from work and they were resting, her mother on the couch and her father on his armchair, like always. They seemed to be arguing about some work stuff, and chances were they had just arrived home because none of them had changed from their work suits.
"Hello, love," Mrs. Ellis told Suzan as she walked in.
"Hey," Suzan spoke back, keeping her eyes down low. She couldn't even look at her parents at that point. How was she supposed to tell them?
Her father, immediately sensing something was wrong, stood up and went to her. "What is wrong, child?" he asked her in a worried tone.
Tears started filling Suzanʼs eyes once again as she looked at him. "I need to tell you something…"
Both Mr. and Mrs. Ellis looked at her with confusion and worry. They had never seen their daughter in such condition before, but they didn't know it was because Suzan had always been hiding it.
The girl sat down on the couch across the one her mother was sitting at and brought her knees to her chest. This was hard for her, but she needed to get through this, no matter what result would come up.
"So? What is it?" Mrs. Ellis asked, concerned.
Suzan held back a sob as she wiped a tear off her eyes. Deep breath in. Deep breath out. 'Come on, Suzan, you got this…'
"I… I…"
"What?"
"Iʼm… p—...p—..."
"Just say it, honey…"
"I'm pregnant!"
Quick, like a bandaid.
Her parents were shocked. They couldn't even bring themselves to say a single world at that point. They just looked at her then at each other, then back at her, but not saying a thing. And that silence was killing Suzan. So, she continued.
"Look, I am really sorry, I never meant for this to happen, and I know I broke your trust and I'll never be able to get it back, but I just want you to know I never wanted this, and I regret it more than anything and—"
The river in her eyes was running, but her mother interrupted her.
"Suzan, stop."
The girl looked at her teary-eyed. Her look? She was desperate, sad, she felt regret and guilt.
"I'm sorry…" she mumbled once more, burying her face in her knees, which were still brought to her chest.
In just a matter of minutes, she felt a pair of arms hugging her in a warm embrace. She lifted her face and saw her mother.
"We're not mad at you, honey. We're just… disappointed…" Mrs. Ellis sighed.
"I know you are. I am the worst daughter ever… I wouldn't be surprised if you kicked me out or something…" she mumbled.
"Don't you ever say that again!" her father exclaimed, his tone not exactly friendly to Suzan's ears at that moment, which had never happened before.
"Marcus!" Mrs. Ellis scolded him for shouting.
Mr. Ellis took a deep breath and calmed himself down, trying to be as reasonable as possible in a situation of crisis, such as this one.
"You are right, excuse me…" he spoke, "but still. I don't want you to ever even think about something like that again, Suzan!"
"He's right, honey! No matter how many mistakes you make —and this is definitely one of them— we will never even consider doing such a thing as kicking you out! Is that what you think of us?"
"I am sorry…" Suzan looked down once again.
"I think there is something we haven't told you, Suzan," said Mr. Ellis.
"What do you mean?"
The two grown-ups looked at each other, knowing where this was going. Mr. Ellis took a sigh and continued.
"Of course you know that… we had you when we were the same age you are right now… but that is not all. See, our parents were so mad at us that they kicked us out of our houses. We were sixteen years-old and hopeless. Why do you think your grandparents never come to visit?"
Suzan didnʼt reply. She was too shocked. Of course she knew about the fact that her parents had her when they were young, but she didnʼt know the rest. And yet, for some reason, she had never asked why she never got to see her grandparents…
"Do you really think we would be cruel enough to do the same thing to you, honey?" Mrs. Ellis asked her daughter.
"I… I had no idea you'd been through so much…" Suzan replied.
"Still, you should have opened up to us before honey. We could have guided you…"
"No, Joanna," Mr. Ellis spoke up, "we can't be mad because of history repeating itself. We never guided her the way we should have. It is our fault more than anything…"
"No, dad, it's not your fault! It's my fault! Mom is right, I should have opened up to you, or at least been more careful…"
"Let's not play the game of who's to blame, now, alright? What's important is that we are here for you, honey, and we love you," Mrs. Ellis gave her daughter another hug in which Mr. Ellis soon joined in.
It turned out not to be as hard as Suzan thought it would. But still, she couldn't stop thinking about how disappointed her parents were at her. And what they told her about their own parents… It was making her feel even worse. Like she was a mistake. But that was something she was convinced she had to get over by herself.
"So… who is the father, Suzan?" Mr. Ellis asked.
"A boy my age, Harry Styles…"
Mrs. Ellis thought for a second. "Are his parents divorced by any chance?"
"Um, yes…"
"Well, in that case, I know them. I was his mother's attorney for the divorce. Yes, I remember now, she did have a son that was your age…"
"Isn't he the curly lad that works at that bakery down the road on weekends?" Mr. Ellis asked them.
"Yes, he is."
"So, I assume that you are with this young man?" he asked again.
Suzan looked down once more. "Well, not exactly…"
Mr. Ellis laid his head back, not saying one word, then looked at Suzan again. The girl knew this was too much for her father to handle and that he was trying his best to remain calm and patient, and she appreciated it, but she was still ashamed of herself.
"Have you at least told him about this?"
"Um… no…"
"Suzan!"
"I'm sorry, dad, I was too scared, like I was scared to tell you!" the girl responded.
Mrs. Ellis took her turn to speak, before there could be an argument, "Okay, here's what we're going to do, love. I am going to call Dr. Jekings —you remember him, Suzan, he's my friend— and he can advise us on what we can do. And then, when we have a more clear view of the situation, you can talk to Harry."
Suzan agreed with her mother. It wasn't like she had any alternative in mind, anyway. At that point she was going to agree with anything her parents told her, she had already disappointed them enough.
It was something new to her. All her life she had been a golden child, always making her parents proud with her achievements. But now she couldn't handle this new outcome. She didn't want her parents to be disappointed. Yet there she was.
The truth was, she had no idea what she was going to do. Was she going to keep that child? Of course not, that was crazy, right? But then again, what if her parents had thought the same way back then? And their situation was worse than hers too! And how would she ever be able to continue living her life as if nothing happened, knowing she would have killed a kid before it even had the chance to experience the world?
But, on the other hand, she had to think about her life, and how it would be ruined if she did keep it. How would she be able to continue with school? How would she be able to go back there with a baby bump? Everyone would talk about her behind her back, and Jason… She didn't even want to think what he would do if he found out… Well, she'd probably have to drop out of school anyway. Perhaps she would never be able to go to college too. So, that was it? Was her life just… over?
Then again, what was Harry going to say about it? How was he going to take it? Still, if they decided to keep the baby together, he would have it way better than her. He wouldn't have to drop out of school or not go to college or something like that.
However, those were some useless thoughts. She was absolutely positive that, whether she decided to keep the baby or not, she didn't want Harry to be involved at all. Even telling him would be too much. And this wouldnʼt be entirely her decision either, she was sure Harry would feel the same way. After all, he hates her, why would he ever even want to raise a kid with her?
The following day Suzan and her mother visited Dr Jekings together, where he told them everything they needed to know, including that she was one month pregnant, which relieved any doubt she would have left about Harry being the father. He spoke to them about the risks that would occur in both cases, if Suzan kept the child and if she didn't. Everything she heard made the girl very scared, and both the doctor and her mother noticed that. But they told her she shouldn't be afraid, as she'd have access to all kinds of health care, as well as her parents' support.
On the way back, she spoke with her mother about what she was going to do. Her mother wanted her daughter to have a bright future ahead of her, but both her and her husband were having flashbacks of what they had experienced back then. And, despite being in an unhappy marriage, they both didn't regret their decision of keeping their child. And Suzan was just like her mother, so Mrs. Ellis knew that, if Suzan didn't keep the child, she wouldn't be able to live the rest of her life with all that guilt.
~~~
"Suzan, are you kidding me? How can you even consider keeping that kid? Your life will be over!" Emily exclaimed, once Suzan told her all the news.
The whole friend group was gathered in Emily's house. That day, Suzan told all her friends about the pregnancy, and they all had a similar reaction to what Emily had at first. But Suzan was lucky, because she could have never asked for friends more supportive than these ones. Still, they all had to admit it, Isaac had been right again. "No, guys, I don't think it's a good idea. It will only lead to more trouble…" he had said back then.
"Emily, don't scold her! And I can't believe you are even suggesting that she doesn't keep it! How can you find it in your heart for an innocent baby to die?!" Theodore told Emily.
"Look, Teddy, all I'm saying is—"
"It doesn't matter what you are saying! This is cruel!"
"Guys, guys, relax!" Isaac cut their argument short. "What we are saying is not important at all. Suzan'll do what she decides is best for her and we'll have to support her in whatever she chooses!"
"Isaac is right, guys! As her friends, we can only give her some advice, but, other than that, it's really all up to her!" Maryse added.
"And Harry too, right?" asked Bobby.
That was the day Suzan would be going to Harry's house to tell him everything. That was most definitely something she couldn't say over the phone or text. It was like she had been making a habit out of this, going to his house unexpectedly, but, if things went according to plan, this would most likely be the last time she'd ever have to go back there.
"Not necessarily!" Maryse replied to Bobby.
"That's right! No matter what choice she makes, Harry doesn't have to be involved. Unless they both want it, right Sue?" said Emily, even though still not completely on board with the idea of her best friend having a baby.
"I… I don't think I want him to be involved, guys…" the blonde responded.
They all looked at her, a bit surprised and confused. So, she continued.
"Look, I still don't know if I am going to keep it or not, I will need to really talk with my parents about this. But let's say I do keep it, Harry hates me! Chances are he won't want anything to do with me, let alone have a baby with me! And I would never want to force him into this!"
"Hey, but you can't just leave him out of everything, I mean, he's also responsible!" Lexi then spoke, "He could at least pay for, like, child support or something!"
"Guys, my parents have told me that they will be there for me no matter what I choose to do. Which means that I don't need Harry to give me anything, my parents are more than capable to support me and that baby!" she told them.
"Still, Sue, you need to decide what you're gonna do!" Bobby mused.
"Just think about how cruel it would be for you not to give that baby a chance to see the world! That is a sin!" Theodore told her. He was way too sensitive to handle the idea of abortion. And the way he expressed his opinion did affect Suzan a lot.
"Come on, Teddy, let's not dive into the Christianity part…" Maryse told him.
"Yes, Theo, Sheʼs right. We need to think about her health first, this is dangerous for her! Don't fill her up with guilt for deciding to consider her health!" Isaac added, using the second nickname Theodore had, as most people called him 'Teddy', but sometimes they would call him 'Theo' too.
"I am sorry, guys, I didn't mean for it to come out this way, I just don't think it's right to do… that…"
"On the other hand, Sue, think about your life! I mean, your body! You will probably never get it back!" Lexi then told Suzan.
Some chattering and arguing led to time passing, and soon Suzan was about to go to Harry's house. With no courage to tell him, no idea what she would do with the baby…
𝓢𝓸 𝓵𝓮𝓽 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓻𝓲𝓿𝓮𝓻 𝓻𝓾𝓷…