A feeling where you feel stuck whether to go with right or wrong, you being strict to your principles but people creating troubles for you to follow them.
Imagine a scenario where you come across with people who attacks you from behind, pretends to be something else in front of you and then blames you in front everyone. Your elder one's who once taught you to be a wise, honest and truthful person, suddenly in the name of responsibility or relationships, tells you that, sometimes it is okay to say wrong things for the sake of peace.
Is it all that simple that when you feel right then support the truth and if it feels wrong then support the lie? What principles, don't they have value? Is it right to sell one's principles or faith in the name of responsibility and relationships?
.....
Next morning I wake up feeling exhausted and sleepy, I get up from the bed taking phone, water bottle and earphone in my hand then I started walking outside of granny's room. The moment I step near the door of the room, I hear the yelling voice of granny calling my name out loud from inside the washroom...
Granny: Siya!!!
Me: Coming!!
Hurriedly, I literally throw my things on the bed ran inside the washroom (just because she is prone to fall down more often father instructed her not to lock door of her washroom/room), stepping inside the washroom I found her sitting on the western toilet seat. Seeing me there she started speaking,
Granny: (Looking at the stand where soap was kept) Siya! pass me that soap to wash my hand and bring me an empty basket too so, I could wash my hands then assist me in bathing too because I am not able to get up from here on my own.
Me: Okay.
And I start doing whatever she asked me or is asking me to do, after likely twenty minutes she walk outside the washroom just wearing her bathrobe and I follow her steps. Once she reached close to her bed, she turn back completely then look at me pointedly...
Me: (Confused) What happen?
Granny: Nothing. Now you just move out as I won't be going to wear my clothes in front of you.
Me: (Rolling her eyes) Huhh, what the hell, I just saw you naked in the bathroom. You weren't ashamed then but now you are feeling ashamed and you yourself were saying that you were not able to get up. So now how will you walk up to the wardrobe, get your clothes and wear them?
Granny: Whatever will happen, I will see to it and I have legs plus hands too so, I can do my work myself and your help not needed. Now leave.
Me: Fine.
With that I pick up my thing and walk out from her room but not before muttering 'rude.' After this I walk straight inside my room, feeling angry and voices echoing inside my head...
these kind of behaviours I don't like it at all, how can she talk to me like that after I helped her?
first she became so poor, she started saying that she would not be able to do it and then suddenly she got so much strength that now she will do everything. How does this happened?
how can people be double minded like this, I mean she literally has two faces which she showed to me just now.
While hearing those voices, I finish getting fresh, taking bath and wearing my clothes. After that` I walk outside the room, start walking towards the dining hall to have my breakfast. After reaching there, I saw grandmother, aunt, father and mother sitting there who were peacefully eating their breakfast. And as soon as I saw grandma, my anger and irritation increased even more.
I took a deep breath to control myself because not just my feelings creating weird kind of heat inside me but those voices too again start echoing inside my head. Ignoring all of them I walk directly inside the kitchen, pick up my plate serve some vermicelli on it and make some chocolate milkshake for myself. After this I take them with me, then walk out of the kitchen and sit down on one of dining chair.
As soon as I got settled, mother initiated the conversation...
Mother: Siya is everything alright?
Me: (Sternly) Yeah but why?
Mother: Because you behaviour plus face is showing as if you are angry and if by chance you got the chance to show it then you won't leave that person.
Me: (Hearing this I look directly at granny, mentally trying to murder her) Actually, few minutes back something happened in granny's room.
Hearing her name in my conversation, she look at me and though I am not looking at her I can still feel her scrutinizing gaze at me.
Granny: Hey Siya!! no need to tell this its personal okay.
Ignoring her words, I narrate the exact scenario to all of them and surprisingly all of them listen to me carefully, which I think happened because the story was related to granny. At end of my narration, I also add one line...
Me: And in the end she told me that she wants me to now leave the room because she is not comfortable to change her clothes in front of me as suddenly she realized that, she has legs plus hand so, will do all the work by herself.
Granny: So what everyone can feel shy, its normal
Me: (Looking straight her in her eyes) Yeah its normal but....
Father: Enough, what is this Siya!! huhhh now you are arguing it with your granny? Don't you have manners?
Me: But...
Father: I told you enough just finish your breakfast fast and go to your room okay?
Me: (Defeated) Okay
I start doing what he asked me to do. Though, these stupid feelings of mine and these voices are going out of control. I am feeling as if a whole zoo running inside me, imagine a situation where you are stuck in a place and there those lots of noises trying to power you to act in a wrong away.
As soon as my breakfast finished, I move inside the kitchen then clean the plates plus glass and with a bottle in my hand I move out. The moment I step inside my room, I lock the door then I shout out loud 'stop' and break down sitting down on my knees, let bottle roll on the floor feeling tired and exhausted. And I can also feel my eyes getting numb, filling up with tears but I know not a drop will fall from them.
Mostly likely after ten minutes or so I stand up, picking up the bottle with me. I walk towards the study table, keep my bottle there then I walk towards the washroom to wash my face. After washing my face I come outside, sit on the study table chair then pick up my diary to write something but at that moment I hear a loud or should I say a bang on my door. Just by hearing it I knew Aunt is behind it.
While I am getting up from the chair plus walking towards the door, I hear another banging noise and hearing that I walk fast then open up the door. As soon as door got opened, she almost pushed me while entering inside and start speaking or should I say half yelling...
Aunt: What took you so long to open the door?
Me: I was just doing some work. (huhhh in less then a minute I opened the door but the way she is saying this it seems like as if I opened the door hours later)
Aunt: (Sitting my study table chair) Hmm, look I am here to talk about something with okay?
Me: Yeah say (O really, wouldn't you like to ask me if I'm comfortable talking to you like this right now? Shouldn't you have asked me before coming to my room?)
Aunt: Look, the way you talked to grandmother today or taunted her was absolutely wrong. She is old, she can do whatever she wants. And no woman would like to be seen naked, she was forced to do so because she asked for help in bathing, but you just got angry because she did not wear clothes with your help after words.
Me: Hey but....
Aunt: How many times have I explained to you that when I am talking, do not interrupt me, whenever we talk, you start arguing with me. Don't be like your mother, she always try to argue.
Me: Hmm okay.
Aunt: I was unable to say those things in front of your mother and father because they will think I am scolding you or mistreating you in someway.
Me: Okay.
Aunt: So tell me what is going on in your life? Anything new?
Me: Nahh nothing new just old usual. (I think your talk is done now so, you must leave now)
Aunt: Ohh and what about your mother, when she is going to go out for the shopping?
Me: I don't know.
Aunt: (Getting up from the chair and walking towards the room door) Siya, you have also started hiding things these days. Whatever I ask you, you answer me in no.
I choose to say nothing and seeing my face for once, she go out from the room. I again lock my door, massage my forehead a little then lay down on the bed on my stomach and closed my eyes because all of this nuisance exhausted me completely.
Next I woke up hearing a bit loud but strict knock on my door, I lazily get and walk towards the door to open it. As I open the door, I found my father standing there and seeing him there I took a deep breath then move aside for him to get inside. This time I choose to keep the gate open because no use of closing it as I don't know who will enter in the room next. The moment he got settled down on the chair beside the study table, he start speaking...
Father: Look, whatever I said at the breakfast table it is because I want you to understand the importance of relationships as sometimes for maintaining peace in them we have to show the fake respect. And required their nuisance behaviour too. Okay?
Me: Hmmmm (But respect is something which we can not fake, it is earned)
Father: Well, leave this aside tell me when I have to pay the fee? When your college will begin?
Me: They will let me know by the evening, today.
Father: Okay.
After this he move out of the room, I again lock the door and this time rather than laying down I pick up my diary and start writing my thoughts down...
huhh how creepy these peoples are, with two faces. They want themselves to remain great in their own eyes but also wanted to do bad things, they will degrade you for doing the right thing but they will also encourage you to do wrong things. I don't understand why the can't be simple and straight forwards, why they can't stand for right things, why they need to be twisted?
these voices which keep echoing inside my head, how can I stop them? They are quite exhausting and tiring as well, I feel suffocated with them.
While writing these thoughts of mine, I hear my phone ringing so, leaving pen on my diary I get up from the chair and walk towards the bedside the table. After seeing the name of my second best person on the screen I excitedly answer the call...
Me: Hey Nana
Nana: (Cheerful, warm and deep voice answered the call) Hey my Kikoooo!!! I have a surprise for you.
Me: Awww please tell.
Nana: That is.....
To Be Continued....