Old habits die hard, some times with changing time or consequences of some incidents occurred in our lives we thought of not repeating it, because it gives us a feel of as if we are doing something wrong or we feel as if there some one inside us who is stopping us to do so.
........
Next day onwards things starting to get changed for good I guess in my life, especially the chaotic environment in the home because every day early in the morning I leave for university and will come back home late the in the evening. After that I will take rest for some time, then either I finish my homework first or I will be with Vihaa going for evening walk. Sometimes Vihaa will come to near the location of university to pick me up and we go back home together. And the night will usually end with a phone conversation on Carissa.
Just like this a whole month passed by, in this one month I actually got distant away from the family. And somewhere I am feeling happy about it, I mean who won't be happy... how can one live any longer in a place where there is no peace and happiness? I agree that this is my family, but it is not necessary that it should be close to my heart, and it should be my only home.
Apart from this one more thing that happened during this time is that, I come to know that Carissa is a very practical girl in way that, her goal is fixed that is to study and have this degree in the end. In short somewhere in my mind I have made this opinion in my mind about her and I am excited to meet her face to face. On the other hand till now I become quite successful to avoid those two girls and I am happy about it but somewhere I feel like I am doing wrong to them, especially Asher because she really trying hard to be my friend and I am letting her down.
Just thinking about all this, I was enjoying the light drizzle that is happening this Sunday evening. Then suddenly I heard mother's voice, who had come into my room looking for me.
Mother: Siya!!
Me: In the balcony.
Soon she also comes there holding two cups in her hand, looking at me she give me one of the cup and keep one cup in her hand then she stands just like me taking the support of railing. Today's weather bring a smile on her face and just by seeing the smile I realised she is at peace for now. At this moment a random thought pop up in my head...
the magic of weather is also different, just a little bit pleasant and it brings smiles on people's face and and when it rains, then this sweet fragrance of wet soil and light cool breeze on it. It seems as if you are intoxicated or lost in a different place where there is only peace
Again sudden voice from mother break my trance...
Mother: (In calm tone) Siya.
Me: (Humming) hmmm.
Mother: What are you thinking that you started smiling like this?
Me: Nothing much just thinking about this weather. Isn't it beautiful and peaceful?
Mother: Yeah it is, now come on drink up your hot chocolate and don't let it cool down. And I will enjoy my tea.
Me: Yeah okay.
After this we both silently drink the our tea and hot chocolate respectively, enjoying the light tapping sound of drizzling plus little cold breeze that is touching our hands plus face. Just like this twenty minutes passed by, once our drinks got finished we just sit on the chair in the balcony itself, out of sudden mother start speaking...
Mother: Siya, how is university going on? Are you happy there?
Me: Yeah everything is fine.
though from inside I am like, not everything is fine, I mean at one point I am determined not to make friends and whenever Asher tries, I ignore her but when I see her sad face, I can't help myself, my heart tells me to make her happy. But then I feel like I shouldn't repeat the history and just focus on my studies. And this battle is not easy because it exhaust me to the core.
Mother: That's good. Well, it is good that you are busy studying now, at least you have been saved from the stress at home.
Me: Yeah right. (In whispering tone) Plus also saved from Aunt and granny too.
Mother: (Standing up from the chair) Now I am leaving, I have to prepare for dinner, you also either do homework or rest because you have to go for evening walk after some time with Vihaa,
Me: Okay
Soon she move outside of my room, taking our cups with her and closing the door behind her. I walk towards the study table, double tap on the phone to know the time which says it just five in the evening which means I still have an hour with me before meeting Vihaa. I choose to work on assignments with some good music.
After sometime I hear my phone ringing, while writing the sentence I answered the call...
Me: Hmmm
The voice: Hey kiddo!
Me: (Stop writing, holding pen between my middle and forefinger) Hey
Vihaa: What are you doing?
Me: Working on my assignments, are you back home?
Vihaa: Yeah and I am waiting for you in the park.
Me: (Closing my book and notebook, keeping pen beside of them) Ohh I will be there in park, in just five minutes.
Vihaa: Okay
I get up from the from the chair, walk inside the washroom to get fresh then coming out of the washroom I start changing my clothes. After wearing my track pants, I move out of the house wearing my shoes. As soon as I reach, at the park found Vihaa sitting on one of the bench, talking over the phone with someone. I walk close to her, about to sit beside her but she got up suddenly and through her eyes only she asked me to walk with her. Together we keep walking, till now for about six rounds of the park we have covered, meanwhile she keep talking on the call.
Soon her call got over we cover some more rounds of the park, though we both are enjoying the silence but seeing her being so silent I start feeling a bit worried so, I thought to start the conversation...
Me: Hey is everything alright?
Vihaa: Yeah everything is fine
With this we finished fifteen rounds of the park, then we go and sit on one of the bench. Once settling down we start talking....
Me: I have something to ask can I?
Vihaa: Yeah why not go ahead.
Me: Is it okay if you don't want history to get repeat?
Vihaa: It depends on whether the history good or bad but one should always keep on trying something new and never to feel afraid of it.
Me: But how can we ignore or control the fear?
Vihaa: We can't but we can balance it.
Me: How?
Vihaa: Simple do things with precautions or using some techniques.
Me: Okay.
Vihaa: Look I know you are afraid to move on because you are in fear that history will be repeated and its fine but tell me something how long you will be like this?
Me: Hmmm I know but what to do I am unable to do anything with it.
Vihaa: Yeah I can understand but one day will come when you will be able to move one, it just that you have to understand the theory of acceptance, forgiveness then moving on.
Me: And where I will be able to read it?
Vihaa: (Laughing out loud and dramatically) Uff kiddo!! this is something you will learn it while living.
Me: (Embarrassed, rubbing the back of my neck) Ohhh okay.
Vihaa: (Still smiling) Yeah but don't worry, give it some time you will be fine.
Me: Okay.
Vihaa: I have something to share with you.
Me: Okay go on.
Vihaa: I am going to get married next year in December.
Me: (Smiling widely) Wow congratulations. Are you happy?
Vihaa: (Smiling brightly and eyes shining brightly) Yeah I am happy actually very happy because he is just awesome.
Me: That's great.
At this moment only her phone starting ringing, seeing the screen we come to know its her mother's call and she answered the call...
Vihaa: Hey
Aunt: Come for dinner.
Vihaa: I am coming.
After hanging up the call, we both bid our good byes to each other and walk towards our homes. As soon as I walk inside the house I directly walk inside my room washroom then start getting fresh, after wearing my night clothes I walk outside of the room for dinner. Here, in the dining room I found all of them sitting in the dining area for the first time, which actually surprised me because this happens rarely only.
Well, ignoring all this I sit on the one only spare chair, which is beside Aunt. I sighed frustrated, took a deep breath then sit on that chair but on the edge and in alert mode. Soon we all served food on our plates, start eating it. I choose to eat food hurriedly because I am quite restless, my heart is also not beating normally and under the table I can feel my left leg tapping too. Fortunately, none of them noticed my behaviour and I mentally thanked about this to god.
As soon as dinner got over I move inside the kitchen, cleaned my plates then walk outside towards my room with a water bottle in my hand. The moment I step inside the room, I close and lock the door behind me then finally I took a deep breath to relax which I never knew I was holding for so long. I walk towards the study table, settled myself on the beside chair then I plug the earphones in and start listening to some instrumental violin sound to relax my self.
The moment I started feeling that my heart is beating normally, restlessness gone, I pick up my diary start writing my thoughts in it...
uff, I don't know why but rather this full house at home really shake up my nerves or it just Aunts presence make me feels like this. Well, whatever or whoever is the reason behind my this state, I am just sacred about future I mean who knows I die with heart attack this way??
huhhh I know I am being dramatic but what can I do, I am just like this.
she said, I have to learn the theory of acceptance, forgiveness and then move on but the thing is I don't know what to accept or forgive? Will life really teach me all this in future? Will I be able to heal and move on in my life ever?
Just like this my night passed by, with these thoughts running inside my head and around two in the morning I call it a night.