#something part 1
I want to work with whatever needs me most at the moment
But what life calls for and what my interest are, whatever they are, never seem to align.
If I do something that I'm supposed to do, I feel guilty for killing myself, atleast a part of me.
But I'm a narcissist in progress, I'll just drain the energy from people around me, until they realise or have nothing to give me anymore. But by then, I would have already been succeded in making myself a habit of theirs and they "just" can't abandon me.
Or maybe none of this will happen and it's all a imagination.
As you can tell be now, I have abandonment issues. If you can't then you're mind-blind. I left enough cues. "Mind-blind" , I like that term. Gonna use that from now.
#something part 2
If I had somebody
Who I could tell everything
Would I fall in love?
Would I be able to experience it?
I can imagine it atleast
So maybe I'm not as broken as I think
I wish I could choose who I could feel for
Pity, I can't
I get attached too easily, and then I cry too hard
It's me I know, but I like to blame it on you
To make it easier for me
Maybe I've forgotten something I wasn't supposed to
Maybe I've left behind something I wasn't supposed to
Maybe myself
Maybe the make believe identity is too pliable and likeable to the world
It doesn't let me go back to how I was
"Just look at you, getting curled up the wrong way"
Life's mocking me
And those words are amplified to perfection
To keep ringing in my ears
And keep showing me
What I've become
Each and every side of me
Till I get bored to death
Till I remember every nook and cranny
And forget the way
To the real me.
# something part 3
I don't have enough pride in me to say-
"How lucky you are to have me".
You were kind enough
Or you were blind enough.
Either way, it worked out for me.
I liked planting new flowers with you
But I watched them wither alone
I didn't want you to see me
I knew you wouldn't want me then
But I wanted you to keep me
Like a toy, a plastic throw-around
This may seem like I'm low maintenance
But I still desire your attention
Maybe all of it
Until you don't have any left to give
Then maybe...
I won't want you to keep me anymore.
#Something part 4
All that I'm thinking right now is based on a imaginary relationship I have with someone.
It doesn't matter who she is, I just know that she loves me for who I am. She tries to appreciate the ways in which I show my love. She doesn't get all of them, my ways are confusing I know, but that's on me
She makes me a happy meal sometimes, sometimes we try my favourite position in sex. Or sometimes she takes me to a restaurant and treats me like a child. I like her when she spoils me. The way she wipes the soup I have on my nose with her beautiful handkerchief. Her manicured nails shine through and I feel a tingle. She even pays the bills.
She's dumb in a way which makes me like her more. Imagine if she was even a little like me. We would just see each other and say "hmm" - "hmm" and understand each other. Never talking. That thought alone is motivation enough to end this imagination. Well, let's not end it here, lets talk about her more, maybe make some kids even. A girl. She likes her daddy, her daddy plays with her, gets her her favourite toys, goes to parks with her, and most of all, he's there when she's growing up and needs him the most. She still likes the untidy pony he ties of her hairs. But the time they get to spend together never bores her.
Okay that sounds too happy, 100% not me.
#Something part 5
Fuck off
-sidhant