"Mother?"
I peeked into her bedroom, giving the room a quick scan. She was sitting in a patch of sunlight streaming through the window. Her rocking chair swayed gently and I could see that she was nursing the baby.
I'd never considered having children of my own, but the scene was so peaceful that I thought it would be nice to experience it myself.
Only briefly, though.
Smitta Farlin talked enough about my tainted bloodline that I knew no one would ever want to marry me. It was probably for the best, anyway. I wouldn't want anyone else to experience the things that I had growing up.
Mother looked up at my entrance, giving me a warm smile. For a moment I forgot about Farlin and the villagers. I could pretend that it was just the three of us, hiding from the rest of the world.
I walked over to her rocking chair, kneeling to touch the baby's soft head. "He smells nice," I commented.
Mother nodded. "Most babies smell like this, but you were different."
My eyebrows went up. "Really? What did I smell like?"
She tilted her head to the side, smiling at the memory. "You smelled like the forest."
I smiled, too. "I guess that makes sense. I have the trees in my blood."
Mother's expression faltered, but she recovered quickly. "He's already grown so much," she changed the subject. "I'd forgotten how fast this stage passes."
I looked at my brother with a critical eye. "Has he? He's still so small."
She chuckled. "You'll think of him as small for a long time. I still think of you as being small."
I straightened my back. "I'm almost as tall as you now," I protested.
"That doesn't seem right," Mother frowned teasingly. "I swear you're only up to my knee."
We laughed together and I leaned my head on her shoulder. A moment of comfortable silence passed between us. I wished that it could last forever.
"I heard you went out," Mother told me. "Where did you go?"
I hesitated to answer. I knew that anything I told her would eventually reach the ears of Smitta Farlin, and I didn't want to get another lecture about the propriety of spending my time away from home.
"Uhh... I just went for a walk," I lied. "It was feeling stuffy in the attic."
"You could always just open the window," she reasoned.
My brow furrowed. It must've been a while since she'd been to my room because there wasn't a way to open the slit window. It barely let in any light, let alone having hinges. I didn't bother correcting her, though.
"It's good for me to exercise," I said with a shrug.
She nodded. "Yes, I suppose."
The baby finished nursing, so Mother moved him on her shoulder and patted his back gently. "I hope you weren't out long," she added. "Your father doesn't like you being away from home."
I gritted my teeth at the title she gave him. "I know."
Mother seemed satisfied with my answer. "Did you see anything interesting while you were out? I heard that Grand Smitta Leen arrived today."
I nodded slowly. "Yes, I saw him."
"Grand Smitta Leen was your father's teacher when he was young," she said with a smile. "They're happy to see each other again after so long apart."
I fiddled with the end of my braid. "Mother," I began, "about Smitta Leen..."
"Grand Smitta Leen," she corrected me. "He's a very important man among the Followers of Purity."
"Yes, about him," I responded impatiently. "Did Smitta Farlin say why he was coming here?"
She pursed her lips thoughtfully. "I'm not sure," she admitted. "Your father only said that it was a great honor."
That made me feel a little bit better. At least my mother hadn't known beforehand what kinds of things would be going on.
"I heard some of his speech," I told her, trying to choose my words carefully. "It sounded like he's encouraging the people of the village to fight non-humans."
To my surprise, Mother laughed. "I'm sure you misunderstood, Theophana. The Followers of Purity don't encourage violence."
"He said that everyone needed to be a warrior for the Light of Truth," I insisted.
She patted my arm as if to comfort me. "He didn't mean that literally, dear. Sometimes when people use words like that they mean them symbolically."
I stared at her with my mouth open. For a moment, all speech escaped me.
Did she truly believe that I didn't know the difference?
"He said that non-humans are evil beings, looking for any opportunity to hurt humans," I reiterated.
Mother raised an eyebrow. "Is that what he said?"
I blew out my breath. "Not exactly, but that's what he meant."
She smiled again, shaking her head patiently. "You can't make assumptions like that, Theophana. You are placing your own fears on his words."
My voice started getting louder. "You weren't there. You didn't see-"
"Hush," she cut me off. "You'll disturb Devotion."
I glanced down at the baby. His tiny fist was curled up next to his face and his plump cheeks were slack as he slept. He looked so peaceful, so unconcerned.
Just like Mother.
"You really think I'm overreacting?" I asked quietly.
"I know you're worried," she acknowledged, "but you need to remember that things in this town have changed. It isn't like how it was when you were a child."
She was right about that, but it didn't mean that I was wrong.
I got to my feet, straightening my clothes out of habit. "I'm sorry I disturbed you," I said in a soft voice. "Please rest well, Mother."
She nodded but didn't say anything. Her eyes were fixed on the face of her newborn, giving him a glowing smile.
I walked out of the room, closing the door behind me. I could feel my chest contracting painfully. I forcefully swallowed down the lump that was forming in my throat.
I had hoped that she'd understand the depth of my concerns. I'd wanted her to share them. However, I couldn't help but wonder why I'd expected anything different. I should've known the response I'd receive before I even walked into the room.
Smitta Farlin would probably hear about our conversation that evening. I anticipated getting a lecture from him, as well as one of the bitter pills. I could already hear his words in my mind.
Didn't I make myself clear?
Your willful disobedience is a constant burden on your mother.
You may think that your corrupt parentage is an excuse for your misdeeds, but I will not accept it.
I breathed a sigh. My stomach started to cramp in anticipation of the green pellet that I knew would be coming. It almost hurt constantly these days, but I'd learned to ignore it most of the time.
I started to walk towards the stairs, but some noise from outside caught my attention. I moved to the window that faced Chief Westerly's manor.
A group of young men were standing at their front gate, arguing heatedly. Mother's younger brother, Leonidas, seemed to be trying to mediate between the groups.
I opened the window a crack so I could hear better.
"-not even worth mentioning!"
"What about all the attacks from the ghoul in the forest? Are you saying those don't matter at all?"
"It's just a rumor."
"My cousin was attacked last summer! Are you calling her a liar?"
"No one is calling anyone a liar," Leonidas interjected, holding up his hands. "We all need to calm down."
"It's easy for you to say," retorted one of the men. "Your family hasn't been harmed."
"Hasn't been harmed?" another barked. "What about Mistress Dean?"
Several figures shifted uncomfortably. It was one thing to know about my origins, but it was something else to talk about it.
"Sorry," the first man murmured. "I didn't mean to..."
My uncle shook his head. "What's past is past. I just don't understand why you are so upset about what Grand Smitta Leen said."
"We're upset because he's right," one of the other men said. "We've been allowing evil to flourish around us instead of standing up to fight."
There were many nods of agreement.
Leonidas studied their faces. "So, you want to go fight right now?"
"We should've done it long ago!"
"Every minute we waste is another chance for those demons to hurt our town."
"He didn't mean to organize a mob," a different man shouted. "He's telling us to fight the evil in our hearts. If we are pure, then the demons can't influence us."
"Smitta Farlin has been teaching that very thing."
"Yes, but he's been teaching it for more than two years. Those demons are still in the forests and mountains, feeding off of our souls."
"We have to protect ourselves physically as well as spiritually."
"Both things are important," acknowledged Leonidas slowly. "I still think we need to consider our decisions carefully before enacting them, though."
"The demons are just biding their time, growing in numbers," one man warned. "What if they decide to attack the town? We don't even know how many of them are hiding on that mountain."
"I wouldn't be surprised if they're planning an invasion," someone from the back declared.
"We already have one of them among us," another said darkly.
I ducked out of sight as several pairs of eyes turned in the direction of the house. I crouched on the ground, listening intently as the conversation continued.
"She's not an enemy," my uncle tried to reason.
"You know she'd switch sides the moment they asked her," someone else argued.
"That's why we have to act now!"
"The best way to defend our families is to root out the evil."
"We don't have to harm anyone to do that, though. Purity is a way of peace."
"That doesn't include evil itself!"
I reached up and closed the window. I'd heard more than enough. I crawled across the room and then stood to walk the rest of the way to the attic. I shut the door tightly, trying to keep out the voices that still sounded in my mind.
We already have one of them among us.
I tried to laugh, but there was no humor in it. Instead, I found myself choking on tears.
"Things are different now," I said mockingly. "The village has changed."
I walked over to my sculpting corner, taking a good look at my new work-in-progress. Somehow, it had become the aberrant form of a nokk. It still wasn't very good, but I thought it was easier to identify than my attempted bear. There had been something calming about channeling my emotions into shaping the creature that had once tried to kill me.
I didn't want to think too deeply about the reasoning behind that.
I sat on the floor, picking up one of the tools. The shape was finished, but now it needed details. I held it toward the meager light from the slit window, doing my best to make do without lighting a candle.
I hummed to myself, but I didn't feel like singing. All of the songs that I knew were happy, so they didn't match what I was feeling.
"Maybe I should make some new songs," I said to myself. "Or I can ask Imi Hana to teach me other ones."
I allowed myself to become absorbed in my work. I focused on each part of the sculpture, trying to remember what the nokk had looked like. Had the tentacle been smooth or textured? Did the arm have claws? Were the teeth large or small?
Eventually, the light became too dim for me to work without aid. I lit one of the candles, but I wondered if I should go to bed early to save it.
I heard Smitta Farlin's heavy step ascending the stairs. I hurried to wash my hands as the attic door opened.
"Your mother tells me that you disobeyed my instructions," he said without preamble.
I rushed to stand before him, bowing my head. "I'm sorry."
"Such simple instructions, and you cannot obey?"
"I wanted to see Grand Smitta Leen," I lied, "since he's so...special."
Farlin sighed. "Be that as it may, you should value obedience over everything else."
He reached into his pouch and I automatically opened my mouth. The green pellet never seemed to be less bitter, no matter how many I'd been forced to eat. My tongue refused to grow accustomed to it.
The cramping in my stomach sharpened, causing me to feel nauseated from the pain. I closed my eyes for a moment, gathering my determination to act indifferent.
"I heard some of the Grand Smitta's speech," I told him. "He seems set on seeing action."
"Purifying oneself can only be done through action. Passive desire is meaningless."
"I mean what he said about purging evil," I clarified.
Smitta Farlin's eyes narrowed. "Purifying oneself is the act of purging evil," he said condescendingly.
I stopped myself from rolling my eyes, but only barely. I'm sure he read the look in my eyes, even without it.
"I remember your lessons just fine, but it seems to me that people shouldn't be gathering mobs and justifying it as righteousness."
Farlin sighed and pulled out a second pellet to place in my mouth. "That is none of your business. Keep your opinions to yourself."
The bitterness amplified, and so did the abdominal pain.
"Yes, sir," I muttered.
"I don't think you need any supper tonight," Farlin informed me. "Perhaps if you deny your physical needs you'll be able to attend to your soul."
I didn't argue. It wouldn't have done any good, but also, I didn't think I'd be able to eat after having two of the green pills.
Farlin walked out of the room as abruptly as he'd entered. It had been a shorter lecture than I anticipated, but there had been twice as much punishment. He must've been in a bad mood.
I changed into my nightclothes. There was no point in staying up just to fight through the stomach cramps. It felt better when I was lying down, so it made most sense to just go to bed. I blew out the candle, climbing under my blanket with a moan.
"I hate that man," I whispered to the darkness.
It was continually baffling to me that my mother had agreed to marry him. Not only that, but she seemed to have fallen in love with him. She was genuinely happy living as his wife. Sometimes that was enough to console me—I was glad that she was happy. Most of the time, though, I was just confused about how she could be so blind.
She knew how he treated me. None of his behaviors were secret. Yet, she appeared to view everything through some sort of filter. She was convinced that everything he did was for the good of the family. (She, at least, still considered me to be a part of the family.)
It was something I'd never understand.
I curled into a ball, hugging my knees. It made the pain slightly better. I stared up at the ceiling, allowing my thoughts to wander.
It would be my birthday in a couple of months. I'd be fifteen, which was when girls were considered to be young women. It was a milestone birthday for every young person in the village. I wondered if Smitta Farlin would allow my mother to celebrate it as other families would.
My musings were cut off when I heard loud voices from outside. I climbed out of bed, already feeling the chill of the floorboards. It would be a cold night.
I walked over to the slit window, trying to look out from my limited view. It was difficult to see anything, even though it was still relatively early in the evening. Unfortunately, I found that I didn't have to search long.
I soon spotted a line of lanterns held by a dozen men from the village. They were armed with whatever weapons they could fashion on short notice, walking up the path that would lead them to the mountain.