I undressed down to my underclothes, folding everything into a neat pile on the river bank. Budding offered her hand as we stepped into the water together, wading into the center. Min watched us anxiously from the shore.
"Should I come in, too?" he asked.
Budding shook her head. "I need you to fortify the wards while I do this."
He made a small distressed sound.
She looked over her shoulder in his direction. "You will be the one keeping us safe, Mineral. Your role is vital."
He nodded reluctantly, retreating to the edge of the magical barrier. He crouched down, taking on the appearance of a rock in the darkness. I wouldn't have noticed he was there if I hadn't already known.
Wake swam around us in circles, her unworldly eyes fixed on ours. "Can I help in any way?"
Budding smiled briefly. "You must concentrate your magic on growing your seed. Don't worry about us."
A sudden thought came to my mind, bringing with it a cold thorn of concern. "Will what we're doing hurt Wake and her baby?"
Wake reached over to brush her fingers on my cheek. "No, little one."
"But, the poison-" I started.
Budding squeezed my hand. "The focal point won't be contaminated as the poison is removed. I promise Wake will be safe."
I took a deep breath, willing my heartbeat to slow. "That's good," I murmured.
"I want you to close your eyes and lean back into the water," Budding instructed. "You will sleep beneath the surface until the process is over."
My fingers tightened. "How will I breathe?"
"Don't worry," she soothed, "the magic will keep you alive."
"How…?"
"As long as your mind is alive, your body will be kept alive," she explained. "It is the death of the mind that is the danger while in the dream state."
I considered her words carefully, nodding even though I was still confused. I wanted to be brave for them—for Wake and her baby—but I was afraid. I looked down at the glowing water flowing around my waist, feeling like it might become my grave.
The water, which had seemed warm a moment ago, started to feel colder to the touch.
I forced myself to take deep breaths, blowing them out in counted measures. Wake stood upright next to me. I could see that she had human legs, despite the rest of her mermaid-like appearance. She put her arm around my shoulders, smiling gently.
"You don't have to do it this way, Tiff," she reminded me. "You can go at whatever pace is most comfortable for you."
"I know," I acknowledged. "Just give me a moment."
Both tiernan nodded, letting me take the time I needed.
"I want to do it," I reasoned aloud, "but I'm still scared. I need to finish being scared before I can do it."
It sounded silly to me, but my mentors seemed to think it perfectly reasonable. I clenched my fists and relaxed them, going through the process several times. Then, with a small squeak, I gave each of them an impulsive hug.
"I'm ready," I announced.
They helped me to lean into the water until I was floating on my back. My hair was a halo around my head, tickling my face.
"Close your eyes," Budding encouraged. "When you wake, your blood will be clean."
I did as I was told, feeling like I was falling through a void.
***
I opened my eyes.
I was standing in the darkness.
I couldn't remember where I was.
I couldn't remember who I was.
I tried to look down at myself, but I couldn't see anything. I couldn't see my hands (did I have hands?) when I brought them close to my face. I opened my mouth to speak, but I wasn't certain if any sound emerged. Perhaps I didn't have any ears to hear, or perhaps I didn't have a voice.
I moved—or, at least, I thought I moved.
(Is it possible to move through nothing?)
I reasoned that I must exist. After all, I wouldn't be thinking if I didn't. If I existed, then my surroundings must as well. A being couldn't exist in nothing, right?
(…right?)
So, I must be moving. I just couldn't see where I was going.
A tiny light appeared in the distance ahead of me.
Of course.
That was where I was going, so there had to be something there. That is what made the most sense if I thought about it. I couldn't go to a place where there was nothing.
The light drew nearer, growing larger.
It looked to be some sort of doorway, leading out of the darkness.
Yes, I nodded to myself. That also made sense. I had to leave the place of darkness in order to enter the place of…otherness.
I stepped over the threshold into the new place. It was a room with a wooden floor and stone walls. The glass in the windows was red. Was that strange? Perhaps that wasn't normal.
The ceiling was covered in grass, growing downward. That also didn't seem quite correct.
Perhaps I was just remembering wrong.
Now there is light, I told myself. I can see what I look like.
I looked down at my body, but there was nothing there.
Nothing? I wondered. That doesn't seem right.
I could've sworn there was something there before.
Before what?
I had no answer to the question that I had asked myself. I supposed that happened from time to time. (It had happened at least once, since I had just experienced it.)
I sat down on the grass, passing my fingers over it. I wasn't accustomed to sitting on the ceiling, but I supposed that I'd get used to it if I tried. The red glass windows began to shift, turning themselves into doors.
I wonder if I should leave this room…
It seemed a reasonable thing to do. After all, there seemed to be few answers to be found in that enclosed space. I was curious about who I was and what I was doing there.
I stood (this time on the floor), making my way over to the door. It opened as I approached, allowing me to walk through without any problem.
The world outside was dim as if the air was filled with smoke. It didn't smell that way, though. I breathed deeply, trying to detect anything strange.
Nothing.
My eyes narrowed. Why is everything hazy? Is there a fire?
The moment I thought it, the world around me shifted violently.
I suddenly found myself standing in the middle of a forest fire. The trees were towers of blazing light, surrounding me in every direction. Smoke filled my lungs, choking me with every breath. The heat scorched my skin, even though my body didn't exist.
I cried out in terror, cowering to the ground. The roar of the flames filled my ears until it seemed that nothing else existed.
The flames closed in without mercy, burning the vapor that made up my existence. I could feel myself vanishing—the pain of it just as real as if my flesh was charring into nothing. I tried to scream, but no sound emerged from my throat.
I felt every strand of my body extinguish like a candle wick.
***
I opened my eyes.
I was standing in the darkness.
I couldn't remember where I was.
I couldn't remember who I was.
There was something in the back of my mind, but I couldn't quite hold onto it. Something about a light? Or heat?
I shrugged away the thought.
I liked being in the darkness, though. It seemed cozy and safe. I wasn't sure why, but it seemed important for me to stay where I was. It reminded me of being wrapped up in a blanket, so I didn't feel inclined to leave anyway.
I took a deep breath, letting it out slowly.
Why was I so tense? I certainly couldn't think of any reason why that would be the case. Everything in the darkness was peaceful and relaxing.
I looked down at myself.
I didn't appear to have a body. Was that a problem? It seemed that might be considered out of the ordinary. Most things have bodies, don't they? Perhaps I had misplaced mine.
I giggled at the thought.
How does one misplace their own body?
It didn't seem to matter in the darkness, I reasoned. Nothing mattered in the darkness. I wouldn't need a body there. I wouldn't need anything. The darkness was a cocoon of safety, where everything would be provided.
I wrapped my arms around myself, curling into a ball.
I was starting to feel sleepy.
Pinpoints of light appeared in my vision, like distant stars. I closed my eyes, ignoring them.
I don't need light, I told myself. I don't need to leave.
The darkness closed in tighter like a mother squeezing her child in a hug. It was comforting to me, bringing a smile to my face.
It had been a long time since I'd been cradled like that. It was nice to pretend that I was little again, even for just a while.
The sleepiness was growing heavier. I wasn't sure if I could fight it.
(Was it harder to breathe?)
Well, breathing didn't matter when one didn't have a body, right? Only bodies needed to breathe. All of that was meaningless in the end.
A little voice in the back of my mind tried to warn me that something wasn't right, but I pushed it away. The voice was annoying. It made it hard to sleep.
The press from the darkness made my limbs start to tingle as if I'd been sitting for too long. I chuckled at the sensation.
(It's probably not a good sign, though…)
I don't even have a body, I reminded myself. How can my legs go numb?
The darkness agreed with me. It didn't make sense. Best to just forget about it. Everything that bothered me could be addressed after I took a little nap.
The darkness was warmer than expected. It continued to close in.
For protection, probably.
Close your eyes. Don't worry about anything. Nothing else matters here…
***
I opened my eyes.
I was standing in darkness.
This time I remembered where I was.
I still wasn't sure who I was, but I knew that I needed to leave the darkness.
A couple of small lights appeared in my line of vision. I chose one that had a greenish tint to it, purposefully making my way to it. It opened like a doorway, welcoming me to a lush garden filled with sunlight.
I recognized most of the plants in sight.
(How did I know about plants?)
Many of them were edible. Others were helpful medicine. It was a garden that would be useful for any human.
(Did that make me a human?)
There were also several animals that I recognized. None of them seemed to be frightened by my sudden appearance.
(Perhaps that meant I wasn't a human after all…)
I sat down next to a pair of rabbits, admiring their long ears and shiny fur. They were munching on leafy greens, unbothered by the world. I reached out a finger, unable to resist the temptation to touch its soft head…
To my horror, the rabbit stiffened and turned gray. It began to spasm uncontrollably, shaking harder and harder until it was reduced to a pile of dust.
I stared at it, unable to comprehend what had happened.
I hurried to get to my feet, but everything I touched in the process also turned gray and withered away. None of the animals tried to escape—they didn't seem aware that death was upon them—yet they were all consumed as the blight spread, even when I tried to retreat.
I started to cry, tears running down cheeks that didn't exist.
Why was this happening?
It was such a beautiful garden. Every plant had been so full of life, bursting with potential. The animals had been peaceful and content. It had been a utopia before I had arrived…
If I had never come to that place, it would've remained perfect.
I looked at it now.
It was a wasteland of dust and ash as far as the eye could see. I stood alone while the wind howled over the barren plains. It seemed cold enough to snow, but somehow I knew that it wouldn't even do that.
Not even snow could come to the place poisoned by my touch.
***
I opened my eyes.
I wasn't surprised to be in the darkness, even though I didn't know why.
A point of light appeared almost immediately ahead. As I moved toward it, I felt a wave of suspicion. Had I done this before? It seemed familiar…
The light was like a doorway that I could step through, which I did with some trepidation. I found myself in a room gilded in gold, with velvet curtains and plentiful candlelight. A stringed quartet played in the corner, but there were no musicians.
I stood at the threshold of the room, staring in confusion. This seemed foreign to me, but I couldn't know for sure. Maybe this was my first time doing this, but perhaps I'd done this a hundred times.
What could you do when you couldn't even trust your own mind?
I looked down at myself, but somehow I knew that I wouldn't be able to see my own body in the golden candlelight. There was a hint of a silhouette, but not enough to even be called an outline.
I stifled my disappointment, turning my attention back to the ornate room before me. I couldn't make sense of what I was seeing. There were no doors or windows, no people or furniture—just the quartet of instruments in the corner playing by themselves.
However, as soon as I stepped away from the threshold, the ceiling opened like the lid of a giant music box being lifted by an invisible hand. I stumbled to the ground in shock, staring up at the night sky with my mouth open.
The gust of wind blew out all the candles, bringing the music to a screeching halt. The silence that followed was deafening, filling my heart with inexplicable terror.
The shadows of the room began to condense, rising up to form red-eyed creatures. They watched me for agonizing moments, drawing out the time before they chose to spring into action. I scrambled to my feet, my eyes darting futilely to find someplace to run.
I knew instinctively that I wouldn't be able to escape them, but I knew I had to try. I bolted for the door that led back to the darkness, hoping that they wouldn't be able to follow. To my dismay, the door merely led to an open field.
The shadow creatures pursued me relentlessly.
I ran as fast as I could, but it wasn't enough. I tripped over a clod of dirt, tumbling to the ground. When I did, they washed over me like a black wave that reshaped once I'd been covered.
Neither of us were made of flesh, but that didn't stop them from grasping me with their claws. I felt sharp pain as they dug into my legs and arms, I silently screamed as their teeth gouged my back.
They were a single, horrendous monster, while also being a million tiny monsters at the same time. They consumed every ounce of my skin and muscles, even though I didn't have any to begin with. They turned my blood into acid before using it to liquefy my bones to drink.
When they were finished, they laughed at me, asking if I wanted to dance again.
***
I opened my eyes…