"I'm sorry, dear mother!"
"M-My child, whatever are you talking about?"
I cry out and lose my balance, falling backwards into what I assume to be a wooden chair. I lie on the floor and stare up at the low ceiling for a minute. Then it hits me.
I sit up with a start, clutching my neck and panting,
"I-I'm alive?! I-I'm alive!"
In my moments of disbelief I hear a breathy chuckle followed by a sickly cough. I blink and scramble forwards towards the familiar bed I am facing, and peer down at the contents.
My eyes immediately begin to water.
Covered up to the chin with a straggly, white duvet is a thin, almost old-looking Vivanti woman, with short, chopy white hair, and greenish-looking dark skin. The light in her pink eyes look to be fading, and her trembling lips are pressed into a thin line of mild amusement. There's no denying it.
That is my mother.
My own mother, as skinny as ever, as ill-looking as ever...
But alive.
And I am alive too.
Question after question circle through my brain. What about the guillotine? The cheers? The chanting?
Firina, Mia and Yvina?
Criala?
My dear Siar...?
Not quite knowing what to do, I break into heaving sobs, still clutching and clawing at my neck. It's impossible to even breathe through my raw cries; I am practically suffocating as I continue to howl and wail.
What I am crying over, I'm not sure. I'm not sure if this is the afterlife, or my life flashing before my eyes, or even one great big dream. But my mother is alive.
She's alive and here with me.
"M-Mama!" I bawl and shake, face scrunched up like a baby as relentless tears roll down my cheeks, drop down my chin and land on my own mother's face. Either she doesn't mind, or is too weak to wipe them away.
"Audenzia, girl. S-Stop these tears now and tell me what has upset you so suddenly?" She soothes. Her familiar, thick accent is enough to send me spiraling into sobs again. Finally, I let go of my neck and throw my arms round her frail frame.
"O-Oh mama! I've missed you s-so much! Mama!"
"Audenzia, wipe these tears. Enough with the crying now. Tell me what has gotten you into such a state?"
I lean back, still weeping as I wipe my tears and rub my eyes. I watch my mother attempt to lift herself up, and I waste no time in helping her do so. Once her back is rested comfortably against the wall behind, supported by some pillows, she speaks,
"My child, I've told you that you cannot let material things move you so much. Please tell me what's upset you?"
If only she knew...
"T-That doesn't matter, mama," I sniff, "What matters now is that I spend this moment with you before reality will resume and death will do it's deed."
"Death?! Reality?!" She pauses to cough and I rub her back, "My child, you are merely eleven! I assure you, the world still has many years yet to grant you!"
Eleven...
Eleven?!
"W-What..."
Before my mother can respond, I'm scrambling up from my kneeling position and dashing to the other side of the room, where a full length, albeit dusty mirror is settled against the corner of the planked wall. I stop in front of it.
neck-length, choppy hair, long, uneven bangs, round, bright blue eyes, short build, flat chest...
I'm a child?!
"Oh Gods above!"
"Audenzia, get back here!" My mother calls weakly. I'm in a trance as I wander towards her bed slowly. My head is suddenly buzzing.
I'm a child? Eleven at that! And we're here, together, in the cabin and...
I briefly pinch myself, then hiss and wince,
"T-This is real...? C-Could it be real...?"
I kneel beside my mother's bed and turn to her, "Mama, what's the date today?"
"August 17th, Seventeenth Year of the Taurus. But why on earth do you not know that yourself?!"
Seventeenth Year of the Taurus?! The year I turned eleven!
"Oh Gods above..."
So it is true?! But why...?
Perhaps the Gods have answered my prayers! Perhaps they've granted me a second chance, A chance for me to change my fate! To restore my destiny!
"Audenzia."
"Y-Yes, mama?"
"What has gotten into you?"
This moment - this very moment, is where I must change everything I did in the past. So I can live happily and get my revenge. This is a gift from the heavens above!
"I'm alright now, mama..."
"Okay." She sighs, "Now, on a... l-less playful note," her expression grows solemn as her trembling hands grasp my own,
"I hope you've come to terms with the fact that my health is quickly deteriorating."
I feel my face fall. And now I understand. The Seventeenth Year of the Taurus also happened to be the year of my mother's passing. And the date was...
The 24th...
This day marks a week before my mother's death.
"Audenzia? My child, we promised not see this event as a loss, but as a new beginning. For both of us."
I nod silently, tightening my grip on her hands. Now the truth is clear. Everything went downhill from the very day of my mother's passing. I may not be able to prevent her death, but I can alter the long-term fallout.
And it starts now.
I have the power - the true power. I know how things will end. I know everything.
It's time I finally take control of my life. And unlike back then, I must be strong. For my mama.
Clearing my throat, I begin. "I understand, mama. Before you...d-depart," I bite back a sob and take a deep breath, "T-There are one or two things I was wondering you could do for me."
I see a wide smile edge its way onto her face. She nods in understanding.
"Of course. Whatever do you wish for?"
"Firstly, after your passing, I want possession of Grandfather's spell books."
My eye twitches in slight annoyance as she shakes her head in response, "I told you, my girl. Once you meet your father and he takes you to the Empire's capital, there will be no time for magic or spells. You remember the things I've told you, yes? Of the people there? And what they think of us?"
I nod reluctantly, "I understand that, mama. But listen," I say, "I have an abundant amount of books already in possession. I plan to replace the pages with that of Grandfather's spells."
"No. I don't want you to destroy your own possessions for such-"
"That isn't important to me at the moment."
I remember in my past life, the day after my mother's passing, I had finally met my father, Duke Hugair Voitria. He allowed me to take a couple of my possessions, and I had decided to pack many of my favourite books as well as the few, plain dresses I owned. If I am correct, and the Gods have sent me back to my youth, the situation this time will be no different.
All I had to do was swap out the contents of my less important story books for my grandfather's spells. As long as I conceal them with the original hardcovers, they are sure to be unsuspecting.
It's imperative that I take them with me, so I can protect myself if all else fails and history repeats itself.
I cannot let myself die again.
With that in mind, I explain my plans to my mother (minus the whole time travelling part). She is silent as I do so, and nods once I finish.
"Okay."
I gasp with joy and jump up, "R-Really?! Oh, thank you, mama!" I leap forward to hug her and she chuckles faintly, stroking my hair. Still nuzzled into her chest, I mumble,
"There's something else too."
"Go on."
"Those Vivanti markings you have."
I'm referring to the tribal tattoos adorning her back, gold in colour, and painted in intricate swirls and and stars. She hums in curiousity.
"I want you to do them for me too, please. J-Just...as something to remember you by."
"Audenzia..."
"I know you think the people of the Empire would not appreciate it, but it's not like I'll be stripping for them."
"Don't make use of such language!" She wacks me gently and I giggle, apologizing. With a sigh, she says,
"I'm sure I'll be able to do so. Anything else you want?"
"Your earrings."
That's when she laughs, a bigger, heartier laugh this time despite her quaking frame, "My earrings? Spell books, tattoos and now earrings?"
"I..." I pull away sheepishly, "I want as much of your jewellery as possible, mama. I want to keep you with me for as long as I live..."
In my past life, as a child I wanted little to do with Vivanti and my ancestry. After all, the Icar'a-Rai Empire despised us - if I were to embrace my culture in the capital I'd never make it. So I left everything behind. Memories of my mother, her stories, her songs, anything to do with her and Vivanti I tried my hardest to forget. I wanted to live.
I wanted to survive.
Then again, deserting my culture didn't truly alter my fate, did it?
My mother rolls her eyes, absentmindedly stroking the long, gold earrings she had probably donned earlier this morning. They resemble that of Vri-buds - flowers that usually bloom in the Vivanti region, and are Aurelian in colour. The plants are tall and typically grow in a spiral-like manner; though I'd never visited the Vivanti region myself, as a child my mother often told me stories of her childhood and described the scenery she grew around in immense detail.
"You can take whatever you want once I eventually leave this earth. Now, while I'm still fairly strong I suggest we..."
She falters as I abruptly burst into tears again, reaching to stroke my hair.
"You've been so brave, my girl. So, so brave. And so grown up. You'll do just fine without me.."
"N-No! M-Mama, don't leave me! P-Please don't leave me!"
"Come now, child. Why don't we start on your markings, hmm? Sit."
She taps her foot on the floor and I plonk down obediently. As she shakily stands I lift myself up to aid her.
"No, no. I'm quite alright."
I watch her through my tears and blubber as she wobbles towards a large box at the end of the bed. She slowly drags it forward, and reaches for the metal bucket filled with water adjacent to the room door.
"Take off your dress." I oblige as she grabs a brush and sharp looking needle from under her mattress.
"This may be quite painful, my love."
_____________
By the day after my mother's death, I have already packed away my belongings and swapped out a few of my childhood storybooks for my grandfather's old books of magic and curses. I made sure to take as much of mother's vast assortment of jewellery I could, her trademark gold earrings included. A few of my dresses sit folded in a corner atop some wooden boxes containing my other belongings.
"Is that everything?"
I turn around, eyeing my father, Duke Voitria as he stands behind me. My father and I don't share any common features other than our eyes. He has a greying, thick beard and a bald spot I specifically remember being triangle shaped in the center of his scalp. His voice is deep and scruffy - often I can't quite make out what he is saying, especially when he's either laughing or angry.
I turn around completely and nod. With that, he strides past me, "Malcolm! Come and grab the girl's things! It's time we leave this place."
"D-Did you...uh..." I trail off as he turns to face me expectantly,
"Speak up, girl."
"Uh..d-didn't you want to see her? My mother? B-Before they take t-the body..."
"Oh, don't make me laugh."
A strong sense of déjà vu hits me; this exact conversation took place what seems like a millennium ago to me. Except this time round, I don't give any kind of response. The last time I did so I promptly received a slap to the face.
I watch Malcolm, my father's advisor, briefly slide his rounded, silver glasses up his long, pointing nose before casually lifting the large wooden box of my belongings outside and towards the navy blue carriage by the wide dirt path. My father beckons me over.
"Hurry child. I've got things to do and the journey is rather long."
"C-Can I say goodbye? Just one more time...?" I timidly ask.
I feel utterly powerless, and that hurts me more than anything. It seems I am still fearful in the presence of my father, even after all these years.
How pathetic.
"Listen well and clear." I look up, gulping as he approaches me, leaning down to my level.
"Your mother is dead." He spits, "So get over it and come outside."
Heartless. Absolutely heartless. I was a fool to think time and rebirth would change such a thing.
"Yes father." I reply quickly and quietly, side stepping away from him and hurrying towards the front door.
Unlike yesterday, when my mum had died in my arms on her bed as we cuddled for one last time, the air was cooler and breezier. As I exit my childhood home I glance over it one last time.
I watch the tall birch tree by the fence where my mother and I used to sing and laugh, and smile at grass around me where we used to sit and stargaze.
I look then at the carriage, which obstructs my view of the green valley over yonder.
This time I had to, more than anything, do my mother proud. I had to live differently. I had to change my destiny.
"I shall change my fate, dear sister." I murmur to myself as Malcolm ushers me into the carriage.
"Just wait and see!"