I read the journals in one day. I didn't stop to eat or drink. By the time I was finished, the moon had risen, casting its silvery glow over Morston.
My mind went to him. It always did, no matter how much I forced myself not to. Mind over matter. It shouldn't be as difficult as I make it sound, but undoubtedly there was something more to us than meets the eye. Just couldn't quite put my finger on it. Mason was a foundling, so his origins were unknown even to himself, except to the woman who brought him into this world. Where does one even begin to look for her when she has been in the wind for over two decades? Needless to say, my mind was a battlefield, filled with questions, and contradictions.
Without anyone around to distract me, all I felt was longing. It had found a permanent home in my chest, a constant reminder of what I'd lost. I try my best to not read the Morston Gazette and each time his name comes up in a conversation, I do my best to step away, as stealthily as possible. I don't want to arouse any suspicions. I can't allow the deep seated ache in my chest to grow any further, any more and it will suffocate me. There are a lot of ' don'ts,' won'ts', 'shouldn't', and 'couldn't ' in my life at the moment. I'm trapped but not for long.
I scrub my face to chase away the ghosts of the past and present as if the motion would physically remove them from my mind, even though I know it's not possible. Perhaps, I am doomed to live like this for the rest of my life, pining for someone who doesn't want me, regardless of his reasoning.
Enid visits once a week, bringing all sorts of goodies that she'd made during the week. She truly knows how to make me feel better even though, it's for a fraction of a moment. Somehow she manages to dispel the cloud of misery hanging over my head.
We don't speak about Mason. I never ask about him and she refrains from saying anything even remotely related to him. So we mostly speak of Livvy and how things are going in the Quarter. She makes a point of keeping herself updated with everything regarding the project, even though Laira tells everything there is to know.
" When are going to come home?" Enid asks in a quiet voice, expecting my rebuttal. Home. That word comes with a lot of ache and even more misery.
Even though we are not that far off from Christmas, and my probation period is coming to an end, I still don't think that it would be a wise decision to sit at the same table with Mason, under the same roof merely feet away from him.
" Enid," I begin slowly and she nods, disappointed, because she already knows the answer, " Someday," I try my best to sound as casual as possible not to let the hurt taint my voice. It is there, choking me, but I refuse to let it bleed for Enid to see. I refuse to let anyone see it because if I peel away the thick iron curtain I've stuffed everything behind, I will break like a twig.
" But I got you the best gift ever to make up for my absence," I smile even though it might cost me a tooth or two, at sheer force which I'm using to clench my jaw. It is forced, but I make an effort for her, even though she either doesn't seem to notice or doesn't point it out.
Enid beams back at me, rubbing her hands together, excitedly. She asks me what it is, but that would ruin the surprise. So, I shake my head and hold my ground. Once again she deflates, sighs, and turns her attention back to her cup of tea. Things have changed between us and I can't help the guilt creeping up on me.
Grin and bear it, even if it kills me.
One of the benefits of having an inheritance at such a young age is to do with it whatever you like, and what I like is to repay Enid for her kindness.
I haven't stepped out of the academy in months, but I know that Micah is lurking in the shadows biding his time. The seals of Yaruun are another piece of the puzzle but I need Mason for that, but that time is not now, not yet. Soon, though.
My mother never mentioned them in her journals or perhaps she wasn't aware of them. For now, I am waiting, and soon I'll be able to roam free once again. I'm well aware that kind of freedom will come with a hefty price but I'm willing to pay it.
Mason has four seals but I also know he would never give them to Micah. At least I hope he wouldn't.
As soon as my inheritance came through one of the first things I did, was to donate to Mason's cause with Emmeline's help. I used her name because I was afraid he wouldn't take the money if he knew they were from me. But I also knew that the money would be put to good use, I wanted to be a part of it, and for now, that is all I can do.
Laira tells me that Mason is planning to move some of his operations into the Quarter to create jobs and help the people. I know he isn't doing it for his benefit. If it weren't for his past the man could easily be considered a saint.
A saint that hates me, might I add.
Sleep is still fleeting and I go for days without getting a wink of sleep. I'm not exactly bothered because sleeping is just as torturous as being awake. He haunts me. The memory of us does as well.
I try my best every day to forget him, but the wound he'd inflicted when he rejected me is still bleeding profusely and I don't know how to make it stop.
Laira keeps telling me that it will get better with time, but somehow I have trouble believing that. This feeling of barely being able to breathe, strangely comforts me, because no matter what I tell myself every day, I don't want to forget any of it, I'm holding onto those feelings with my teeth because I know I'll never be able to feel it again if I let go.
A few weeks ago, I was offered a room in her dormitory but I chose to stay in the loft. Even though it creeps out the other students, they find me weird and unproacheable, except for Tyler.
Tyler seems to be a nice boy. He is short with crazy curls and thick glasses. He sits between me and Riley, who has finally loosened up a bit after a few evenings spent between me and Laira. Even though everyone seems to push her aside, she has an ear on the ground constantly and knows the best and juiciest gossip circulating in the academy.
In spite of that little fact, I find that she is nice a girl with crystalline laughter and thirst for life that is almost inspiring.
Breathe in the world, it is full of aches but it is also full of wonders. My father used to say that to me when I struggled to keep my angst under control.
I had forgotten how much he taught me. I had forgotten about his loving embrace because it's easier to forget than live with the pain.