I don't remember a time when I didn't love Mason. A time when my thoughts didn't belong to him, just like every part of me. It may be foolish, but I always knew that Mason was destined to be mine. I don't know how, but that feeling hasn't left me since the day we met four years ago.
They say you keep coming back until you get it right. That thought makes me believe that maybe once upon a time we have met before and fucked it up along the way. No surprise, there. I can easily see that happening.
My head is spinning as I step onto the roof, and find him looking over Helej Norun.
" Can we talk," I sheepishly say but he doesn't turn around. And Jude's words come to mind.
Mason is not the forgiving kind.
Mason remains quiet, still as a damn statue.
" You know," I begin, but I don't know what to say to make it better. I'm scrambling for the right words.
" I didn't mean to hurt you," And that is the truth," I thought you would be better off without me," I take the gauntlet off, and place it on the edge of the roof. Mason follows me with his eyes but he remains quiet, still. The man can hold a grudge like nobody's business.
" All I wanted was to keep Enid safe. And you. I don't know what would happen.." I try not to think about the moment when he died in my arms. I swore that I would do anything in my power to avoid it at all costs.
" When you died in my arms that day, " He turns his head to me and our gazes collide, " I was ready to tear apart the universe to bring you back to me. I did not care if everyone else lived or died. All I cared about was you. And I would do it again in a heartbeat. I would do it a thousand times over, no matter the consequences. Because if I can't have you, then none of this is worth it. I never told you this but I believe you already know, " He nods and turns to face me.
We take each other in and I'm lost in the storm that rages within his eyes. We are chaos. We are just as tumultuous as the stormy sea.
He raises a hand but changes his mind, drops his hand back to his side and turns once more to look over the District.
He scoffs lightly, and shakes his head," You should've trusted me," He begins quietly and I feel like someone just stabbed me a thousand times in the heart. That would be bearable compared to the ache that unfurled within me at his words.
" I trust you," I retort and that was the truth. He scoffs again and turns to leave.
" I'm leaving in the morning. I'm taking Shay and Graham home," He takes a deep breath," You wanted to do this alone. Congratulations, you are alone. That armour might protect you but it is also your prison," He coldly adds and descends the steps.
And just like that, my heart was ripped out of my chest and somehow I knew that this time might be for good. Alone. That word resonated within me long after he left the house. And as he said he took Shay and Graham. I was truly alone.
That was the price I paid for being selfish. I watched him as he turned around the corner and disappeared out of sight. And my heart feels cold and solid as a rock. I knew Mason wouldn't take very kindly to my decision but I never expected him to go this far.
Around me, the world lights up and I know it's not some unusual occurrence. It's because I'm drawing too much energy out of my surroundings.
The pulse within me quickly reaches the same speed as my heart and I already know what comes next. I can level the entire colony from where I'm standing in one single breath if I'm not careful.
Breathing in and out to steady my emotions, I let it out slowly and I see it pulsing in waves outward in a circle tuning solid building into a fluid. The power flows out, wave after wave until I see the light around me dim.
It's an exercise of will that I have to exert each time I reach a critical point, and I know I can't contain it any longer.
My current predicament isn't exactly helping me. Once more I find myself faced with another decision. It's time I head back home and face the ugly truth that is my life. If Eagan has found me then Micah will come for me. And once again, the lives of those around me will be in danger. No matter how far I run, he will find me. You can run all you want but you can't hide forever. And once again I did just that. I ran and hid away from my troubles.
With a heavy heart, I push myself off the ledge and collect my gauntlets. It was time to pack and return home. Everything has a time limit and mine has just expired. It was time to say goodbye to Helej Norun, to the red sands and to everyone in the Monite colony.
When I reach downstairs, Denmar hugs me and pats me on the back," Jarai fiom," Home, darling. She knows that I'm leaving. Nareen nods and makes his way towards the bed and Denmar follows.
I strip out of the armoured suit, put on the airy clothes that I usually wear, and take my place on the kitchen floor.
Sleep will evade me once more, but I try nonetheless. It's pointless. I spend the next hours of the night staring at the night sky and thinking about Mason. Perhaps it is in my fate to spend the rest of my life longing for him. He was the first man I ever loved, and no matter what he did, it will always remain so.
He might find another. Perhaps so will I but he will always be my one and only.