At night, he haunts my dreams like he has done for so many nights. He calls for me, reaching for me, begging me to go back to him. To come back home. I don't dare take his hand. I'm scared. Not of him. I'm scared that if I do, I won't be able to let go. I never wanted to let go. Being far away from him hasn't made it any easier. There is a pit in my stomach that weighs me down day and night, and I know that it's for him. My heart is aching for him. I've swallowed enough tears to flood the entire Helej Norun, at least three times since I arrived. Living with constant longing isn't exactly living. It feels more like scrapping by, barely. A step above, just surviving.
I tell myself that I chose to stay away to keep them safe, but deep down I know I'm being selfish. He deserved to know. I've left him to deal with the aftermath and that makes me a terrible person. This time the tears flow unfettered and I don't have the strength or the will to stop them. I make a conscious effort every day not to think of him because if I do, I undoubtedly know my feet will carry me to him. But, for as long as I can I'll stay away.
I haven't slept much. I don't remember the last I actually had a good night's sleep.
The moon is still smiling down on Helej Norun and Denmar is still snoring loud enough to shake the little house to its foundation.
Stroking Shay's paw to find some comfort, I watch Shay's chest rise and fall with each breath he takes. That's the only way I know he is alive. He is the only thing that keeps the homesickness at bay. Shay is a part of my home that I selfishly kept with me.
I've gone through this back and forth in my head more times than I can count.
Tonight is the fight. Taethi trained me more viciously than ever in the past week. She has done her best to hurt me in the worst possible ways. There are a few bruises on my stomach and my ribcage. I have split lips and a black eye from her brutish training but I managed to defeat her in the end. After all, that is all that counts.
Dawn creeps in unnoticed and Denmar and Nareen awake for a new day.
I help Denmar make breakfast and prepare lunch to take with us at the little shop. We have been following the same routine for almost a year now.
We don't speak much. I'm still learning their language and the Monite dialect is a tongue twister.
" Denmar, lashi var der anahi," I say and she nods. I told her that I was going to wash quickly. It is also a habit that I picked up from living with them. They wash before leaving the house and when they come back. Helej Norun is hot no matter what time of the year it is. Sweating profusely comes second after breathing. So washing often is a must.
Unless you want to stink up every room you enter. Water is strictly rationed, and every single drop of rain is collected, then filtered and stored for later use.
We leave the house, just as the sun is about to rise. Today is usually my day to help Taethi with the children, but not today. I'll spend the rest of the evening preparing for the fight. That thought nags at me since the moment Taethi told me about it. I need to prove to myself that I can beat this man they call a demon.
The day goes by quickly, as is the day when Denmar and Nareen stock up on their spices. Everything gets weighed and allotted a number before being stored for later use. And that is my job for the day while Denmar and Nareen deal with the customers. There is more buzz in the air than usual and I know why because my name keeps popping up in conversations throughout the day. After a few tries, Denmar settled on Lele, as my name. And had stuck throughout the Monite colony.
When I'm done, I go up to Denmar and tell her that I've finished in a broken monite dialect. She nods and smiles and stretches my lunch on the counter.
Today is sahin balls, which are made of a mix of grains and spices and then fried. They are delicious and each time I eat I can't help but think of Shay. He hasn't eaten anything since that night we both disappeared.
After I finish my lunch, I clean up the store room, restock the shelves and then head back to the house to get ready for the fight. I'm filled with trepidation and anticipation by the time I walk through the door and drop my bag onto the seat.
Courtesy of Taethi, I'm the proud owner of new fighting attire. Something light that won't restrict my movements, and make me sweat every drop of water I have drank in the past year.
I stare at the unusual attire, it shines like leather but it's not leather. The fabric feels soft to the touch but it's thick, and not in a crusty way. I find it strange that it doesn't stretch. It has metal inserts on the side of my thighs, around the ribcage and on my chest. The colour is an almost exact match with the colour of my eyes, cerulean. It has leather straps crisscrossing around my waist. A few daggers straps on my thighs and it comes with little strips of light blue and mauve gauze.
Tonight is a fight based on only hand-to-hand combat so the blade straps would be for later use. As a precaution, I tuck a blade in the sole of my boot. I have two but one is just to be safe. I don't know my opponent. He might share my thoughts and do the same. He has earned his reputation somehow, and I'm pretty sure it wasn't by shaking hands and drinking with his opponents.
One last look at the spotted mirror, hanging on the wall, and I begin climbing the steps that lead to the roof.
From here to Ghedi market is only a twenty-minute walk.