Borrowed time, was all we had. I couldn't quite comprehend in those moments what pushing forward would entail. No matter what happened behind closed doors, the facts remained. We wouldn't be able to exist outside the bedroom doors of Northenhay.
Factually, the controversial affair would affect both of us. It was a conundrum, that I had gone over back and forth countless times, without any feasible results.
I had a vague idea of the toll it would take on me if it would ever come to light, however, I had no clue whatsoever how would impact him.
As those thoughts swirled relentlessly in my head, overshadowing the tender moment we shared, I realized that there was only one way to find out. I had to take a leap of faith. Finally, we were standing on even ground.
" What's the plan?" I needed to know, what will happen next, before I gave a definite answer.
With a deep drawn out breath, he pulled away from the embrace," If we are going to do this, might as well do it right," He smiled, placing his hands on either side of my neck," For the time being, we need to keep our distance. Carry on as we were before all of this started. Unfortunately, that means that I will be going out with other women," He paused when I pulled away and took a few steps back. I knew what that encompassed. It was hard to watch for two years, and nothing was going on between us.
" I can't do that," I was in disbelief, bewildered at the blatant audacity.
" Not quite the same, but something close. It will be only once in a while, just to keep up appearances. I won't be sleeping with any of them," He paused when I lowered myself on the bed, downcast. I wasn't quite sure if I could do that either.
" It will be hard. I know. Can you trust me on this?" That question made me laugh.
" No....maybe...I don't know," It was too much to ask. My amusement dissipated just as fast as it appeared.
" I need you to work with me. There are too many whispers," He closed his eyes, raking his hand through his hair," I need to address it before it gets out of hand. I can't think of anything else at the moment. This is only temporary. I will come up with a better long-term plan,"
" It complicates the situation," I whispered and raised my eyes to meet his gaze," I'm not sure," If I can trust you, I wanted to say, but I didn't quite have the strength to utter those words.
" Whilst you think about it. You should get ready. Enid will be home in less than half an hour. She will have questions about how you got hurt," He glanced at the door, making me follow his line of sight. There was a lot to consider. I had to choose between him, the academy, and whatever happened to me once I slipped into the realm of dreams.
I wasn't sure what I was, but clearly, I had limitations.
" Give me some time," I said as pushed myself up to stand. The gravity of the situation surpassed my capabilities of reaching a conclusion at that very moment.
" You have it," He reached his hand for me to take, but since we weren't neither here nor there, I looked at his hand and then at him.
" No, I can do this by myself. You should go," I glanced at the door, apprehensive.
Nodding, he lowered his hand to the side," I will see you a bit. You can have elevenses since it's quite late for breakfast," He said with a crooked smile and slowly made his way towards the door with a certain reluctance in his gait.
The fear of not being able to competently handle all of which would come our way sent shivers down my spine making me shudder as he pulled the door behind him to a close.
Taking risks had never boded well for me. It was a difficult decision.
Most and foremost, I needed to take one problem at a time. Looking back at the girl in the mirror who viciously glared back at me, I slipped out of my pyjamas and stepped into the shower.
My nights were tormented enough, but also if there was a possibility to be at his side, then I needed to make a sacrifice. Wrapping myself in a towel, I opened the cabinet and picked up the bottle of medicine. It all began when I stopped taking it, and that should put an end to it. Satisfying my innate curiosity had to wait a little longer. I looked at my blackened shoulder and realised that there was a good chance that I might get killed in the process of finding out who I truly was.
Uncertain, I placed the bottle back in the cabinet and stepped into the bedroom to dress myself.
Opening the little brown bag, I took two tablets of the pain medication Mason had brought back, for me to take. I was in desperate need of relief.
Glancing out the fogged-up sun, I turned on my heels and made my way out of the bedroom. It was time to put on my big girl pants.