After a relatively short drive from Morston Quarter, back to Northenhay, I pulled in front of the house, trying to find the courage to go back inside.
I needed to make peace with myself, first and foremost. Heaving a heavy sigh, I leaned back in the chair and stared at the large Masion webbed in red ivy.
Letting go of him, was one of the hardest things I've ever done to date. It was about time. I needed to declutter my mind, that was the only way I could carve a clear path through all the mess that I had made.
I was to blame just as much as he was for what occurred behind bedroom doors late at night. Inhaling, I pushed the car door open and climbed out of the car with a heavy heart. No matter how I felt regarding the matter and him, he'd made the right decision. A sensible one. Credit must be given, where credit is due.
For once, I wasn't seeking, not wanting to see him. Not because, I hated him or held a grudge against him. I need time as well to get a clearer view of the bigger picture. And sort through my own internal struggles and emotions. Internalising every feeling wasn't good for me. I needed to find a way to stop living inside my own head.
I sighed, that was a difficult task to accomplish.
When I opened the bedroom door, the smell of rotting fish hit me and made me gag. I had no idea how I had managed to spend an entire day without, vomiting.
That alone was sufficient to kick my self-deprecating ass into high drive. Before anything, I needed fresh sheets and a clean room.
After, tearing the room apart piece by piece, I was finally satisfied with the result and breathed in the fresh sea air. Much better, I thought and made my way to the veranda to watch the twilight.
The reddish-orange sky, and the few clouds dotting the sky, painted a breathtaking picture. Change was inevitable, you either adapted to keep up or remained in a state of suspension, stuck in a place where you didn't quite fit in any longer. I was in the latter category.
Self-evaluation and scrutiny provided a deeper insight into what I needed to do in order to grow.
I gravitated towards Mason for so long, that I no longer recognised myself.
One last deep breath before I made my way to bed. I needed to sleep, recover and reassess my values. It was a sad realisation, that willingly, I had let myself drift into a space where I sacrificed who I was in order to gain something that I wanted.
Love is a beautiful sentiment when is reciprocated, alas mine wasn't. I was swimming against the current and brought myself nothing but misery. It had to stop.
It wasn't who I was, and it wasn't how my parents had educated me to be.
Curling up in bed, seeking some solace in the arms of sleep. At that thought, the memory of the dream I had in the morning, came back to me. The long list of elusive mysteries in my life needed to be solved.
I briefly pondered whether I should take my medicine but after a few moments, I decided against it. Whatever was happening to me, it happened when I wasn't medicated. So, I was willing to take a risk and find out where the trail would lead me. I still didn't know what triggered it. Nonetheless, I had to try.
When I eventually managed to fall asleep, I found myself in the same snowy landscape. Fun, I thought to myself.
Fortunately for me, I was wearing thicker pyjamas this time around, and the cold didn't prickle at my skin as harshly. In an attempt to avoid falling into the freezing water, I chose to walk in the opposite direction this time around, in the hope to uncover a clue, that would indicate what or where that place could be.
Hugging myself to stave off the cold breeze that swept over the land, I walked as fast and as farther away as I could from the starting point. It was deserted. I raised my eyes, to look at the sky, but there was none. Intriguing, I thought.
So where did the snow come from? No, sky. No atmosphere. The air was breathable. Like every other human, I needed oxygen.
Well, that complicated things. Magic, was the only explanation, that made sense.
Then again, I had none and I never believed it existed. Myths and stories, about powerful beings create a world where a superior being watched and held the reigns of destiny. So much for free will. I inwardly scoffed at that thought.
My father, on the other hand, believed that once, gods and goddesses walked among humans. And other beings capable of manifesting incredible powers. My parents were firm believers in God. Sadly, I wasn't.
A rumble echoing through the air broke my train of thought, and once again made me look up. What on gods name? There was no sky.
And before I even had a chance to finish that thought, icicles began falling from above, sharp as a needle, at incredible speed.
I froze, unable to decide. Run or stay still. Running wasn't an option, it increased the probability of me getting stabbed.
"Careful what you wish for, Lily", I said to myself, looking up, and watching a needle-sharp icicle approaching at a dizzying speed. Oh, boy.
Next thing, I was sitting up on the bed with an icicle lodged in the palm of my hand. Oh, no.
" How is this even possible?" I was scrambling for answers. It wasn't. There was no logical explanation. Nothing could cross the barrier between the physical world and the dream world. The plot thickened even further. I wondered what else could cross over. The monster that I had seen before in there....that thought worried me the most.
Raising my other hand, I reached to pluck the needle-sharp icicle from my hand but when I touched it, turned into shimmering dust just like the butterfly did. Strangely it didn't feel cold, nor did it melt. I needed help.
Puzzled, I laid back on the bed, hoping that I wouldn't get transported again to the same place. Glancing out the window, I noticed that it was still twilight. It felt a lot longer. Maybe time passed differently in the dream world, I told myself.
It was mind-boggling. It made no sense. A place like that couldn't possibly exist. Not according to the laws of physics.