Rose has a little smirk on her face, so I give her an expectant look and she says, "So, you made a friend?"
"Yeah, I guess," I respond. "Sort of."
Sort of? Maybe? I don't fucking know. How do you decide when someone's your friend?
"Who?" she asks. "Rudolf?"
"Yeah," I say with a shrug. "We've been seeing him a lot. I don't think he has any friends at all."
"Poor kid," Rose murmurs. "That's kind of sad."
I think Rudolf has some issues, to be honest. What kind of person has literally no friends? He says he's never had a friend. I can't even imagine that.
"I feel bad for him," I admit. "But that's not why I want him to keep hanging out with us."
"Oh no?" Rose asks.
"Nah," I shake my head. "He's actually nice and pretty damn funny. I think the reason he doesn't have other friends is that he's shy, not because he's a dick or anything."
"Well, that's good," she says, patting the spot on the couch next to her to tell me to sit down. "Think he'll keep hanging around?"
"Maybe…" I answer unsurely.
"Why maybe?"
"I don't know," I shrug. "I kind of get the feeling that Cameron's into him. It's weird though because he's not usually the one pursuing, you know? Usually, he just lets guys pine after him until he finally wants to agree to a date."
"Right."
"It's different with Rudolf," I say, but I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing. I feel like it could go either way. Maybe Cameron will fuck him and chuck him, but maybe not. Maybe Cameron's interest in Rudolf is less shallow. Maybe he wants an actual relationship.
I don't know. I'll ask Cameron next time we're hanging out. He might tell me. We'll see.
"Are you worried?" Rose asks.
"I don't know. I mean, if they're gonna hook up, I want them to be on the same page, y'know?"
"Yeah," she says with a nod. "Hopefully Cameron won't lead him on."
That would actually really piss me off. It always pisses me off when people do shit like that, but Rudolf seems so naive. It would be like kicking a puppy.
"Yeah, I hope not," I repeat, giving Rose a sort of dejected look. "That would suck."
"Let's not worry about it," she smiles. "We'll deal with things if they get weird. For now, let's just hang out. What do you have to do today?"
"I'm trying to get a website set up."
"Want help?"
"I could probably use it," I confess.
"Well, get your laptop and come sit down."
So, that's what I do. I pick up my computer and hunker down. Having her here is helpful. It forces me to stay on track. Having her opinion is nice too.
We spend most of the day working but I still don't feel like we make much progress. For some reason literally every single one of my pieces looks crappy once it's digitized.
"I liked that last one," Rose tells me after I change the photo on the homepage for what feels like the millionth time. I have to force myself not to roll my eyes.
I'm getting frustrated and I think she can tell. I suddenly feel like I'm going nowhere, stuck in a void that's my crappy art.
"I don't," I say. "I don't like any of these."
"Why not?" she asks. "What don't you like?"
"They just look shitty," I explain.
She tilts her head, staring at me. "Why do you say that?"
"Because they just do!" I exclaim.
It's like I'm being forced to look at them through a different lens and I'm seeing them in a less personal way, more objective.
"Avery," Rose says my name in that tone. The one that means she's annoyed.
"What?"
"Can you at least try to give me an answer that's less vague?"
"I don't know what you want from me," I shrug sharply.
Rose lets out a huff and shifts to the other side of the couch, looking away from me. Part of me wants to ignore her and keep working but I know that I can't. I'll feel guilty later and she's only going to get angrier.
"Rose," I say.
She doesn't reply.
"Seriously?" I ask, getting annoyed. "You're going to give me the silent treatment?"
"Well, I don't know what to say!" she exclaims, still staring off and away from me. "I'm trying to help you feel better and you won't let me!"
"You don't have to help me feel better," I shoot back. "I'm whatever! I'm fine!"
She groans. "Avery, don't you see how ridiculous that sounds?" she asks. "I'm your girlfriend! You should let me in some of the time! When you don't it takes a toll."
"Takes a toll?" I quote, wanting to know what the hell she means by that.
She puts her head in her hands and lets out another groan. "Yes!" she says, staring back at me. "Communication is important, Avery. How the hell will we know if we're on the same page?"
"What does that have to do with me talking about my fleeting feelings over dumb shit?"
"Because I want to know these things," she explains, sounding impatient. "Why won't you tell me anything?"
"It's just not important. None of it's worth mentioning or dwelling over."
"It is important," Rose insists. "I don't care if you think it's not. When you get in moods like this you take it out on me and that's not okay."
This time I really do roll my eyes.
"I do not take it out on you," I argue. "It's not about you. It's about my stupid fucking shitty art."
"I know it's not about me," she hisses. "But you still get snappy and treat me like crap. I spend a lot of time with you. This stuff wears on me, okay?"
Oh, great. Glad to know I wear on her. I don't know what the hell to say to that.
"Well jeez, sorry," I snort sarcastically.
Rose scoffs. "Yeah, you really sound sorry."
She's right. I'm not sorry. I'm mad. Mad at her for trying to pin all of this on me like I'm ruining everything. I don't know what her problem is. If I'm fine with the way things are, then she should be fine, too. It's not like this is wearing me down. I don't want to talk to her about my stupid feelings about dumb shit. I don't know why she's trying so damn hard to force it all out of me.
"Well, I don't really know what to say to satisfy you right now," I respond tersely.
"Yeah, I can see that," she sighs and then asks me. "Why do you think your feelings aren't important?"
"Ugh! That's not what I'm saying!"
Why can't she let this go?
"Yes, you are," she insists.
"I'm fucking not!"
She puts a hand up and then rises from her seat. "I'm leaving."
"Rose, come on!" I try to reason, but she gives me a look that tells me she's not having any more of my shit.
"I'm frustrated," she explains, taking a deep breath and hovering over me. "I'm going to go home and make myself some dinner. It's fine. I'll cool down and call you later."
"No," I groan. "Stay here. We'll make dinner together. We don't have to talk about it anymore. Let's just drop it."
"I don't want to just drop it, Avery," she scowls. "I want to talk about things."
"Don't leave," I say pathetically.
God, I fucking hate when she takes off like this in the middle of a fight. It makes me feel like scum.
"I want to," she states firmly. "It's okay. I love you. I'll call you later."
I don't bother walking her to the door. Instead, I watch her turn around and leave. Then I flop down on the sofa and lie still as I hear the door open and close.
I hate when she does this. I don't get why it's so important to her. I don't have any desire to open up. It's not like it's affecting me in any sort of negative way. I'm seriously fine. I feel fine. What does she want me to do? Half of the time I can't even explain my own feelings in my head. I don't know how she expects me to get it out and talk to her about it all. It's just not necessary. Some things are better left alone. The same goes for people.
Rose is the first person to put this sort of pressure on me. None of my friends have ever cared that I didn't want to spill my guts to them and my dad and I just never really talked about this sort of shit while I was growing up. He wasn't good at dealing with his feelings and neither was I, and honestly it was fine that way. The fact that Rose won't let this go is really fucking me up.
Her persistence is annoying, but I just need to get over myself and stop getting so worked up over dumb shit around her. It's probably annoying for her to watch me be such a baby. It's fine. It's seriously fine. I just have to shut up and stop complaining.
Ugh. I feel like I should text her, but she literally just left. I just hate feeling like she's mad at me. She said she'd call later but I don't want to wait that long. I keep trying to work on my website, but going through my artwork just ends up pissing me off all over again. So, I set it aside for now. I need a fucking break.
I head to the kitchen and get some water before making a sandwich. This dumb thing with Rose will blow over. It always does. I just need to ride it out and let her be mad.
I sit at the kitchen table and eat my sandwich, trying not to think about it anymore. Instead, I think about school on Monday. I'll see Rudolf. I'll have to remember to ask him how he is doing.
I want to find out how he felt about Friday night and if his answer will change when Cameron's not around. That shit with Jackson was scary.
Really what I need to do is gauge if Cameron is Rudolf's type, or whatever the hell is going on there. He seemed like he was trying hard to play it cool at the end of the night which is funny because if I were him I would have wanted to hop, skip, and jump the fuck out of there.
I guess he sort of did try to leave now that I think about it, but coming back to my place was more convenient. Oops. I hope he and Cameron really didn't hook up in my bed. I didn't really get the vibe that they did, but I offered up my room without thinking.
They were both pretty out of it in the morning, but in a way that made me think they were hungover. Not in a way that made me think they'd messed around. I'll ask Cameron, though. He'll give me an honest answer, I'm sure. He'll probably make some lewd joke about it or something. That's how Cameron rolls.
I'll be mad if Cameron hurts this kid. Sure, maybe Rudolf's not as innocent as I thought he was, but he still seems naive. He seems especially naive to the way guys like Cameron work.